The Coronavirus had come to Dino Nation. Big time. Schools were closing, long-haul dino migration was frowned upon and major events were being canceled, such as March Madness — the tournament where dinos took a round rock to the hole. Any hole.
The Tyrumposaurus, the Mincepencenow and the few dinos who knew little or nothing about dino sneezes and coughs stood before the hastily called scrum of Mediacircustops. The Andersoncooper raised a short arm.
“T-Rump, you’ve been exposed to several dinosaurs who tested positive for the Coronavirus — including that Neverglades ne’er-do-well, the Mattgaetz. You and the Mincepencenow are the most important dinos in the land. Why in the world is it that you two haven’t been tested?”
The T-Rump grinned back his smug Cheezbuggabugga grin.
“I know I’m supposed to stand up here and say the right things to unite Dino Nation in the face of this national disaster, but you know I’m a real germaphobe. I don’t want to have anything to do with this virus. Including testing. I don’t even like saying the word.”
“Could it be that you’re dodging my question because you and the Mincepencenow have actually been tested, you both proved positive for the virus … but you don’t want that to get out so you’re sticking with the no-we-haven’t-been-tested message.”
The Mincepencenow’s expression changed to surprise for a brief second as if the Andersoncooper had exposed their ruse. The second dino in command shot a nervous glance to his leader whose eyes now narrowed at the scrum.
“No, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Fake news.”
“You’re the top two dinos in the land. Of course you’ve been tested. If they came back negative you’d be shouting it from the mountaintops.”
“Excuse me,” said the T-Rump, looking for the exit. “I’ve got to see a dino about a Horseysaurus. For my next parade.”
“You haven’t had one yet.”
But the T-Rump had already disappeared. Down a path, around a corner, through the brush and into an open clearing popular with dinos looking to score a cheap-but-meaty deal, the Walmart Parkland. The T-Rump however, wasn’t looking for a deal. He was looking for a certain dino and he spotted him immediately. The Mattgaetz.
The Neverglades nincompoop was on his knees, holding his head in his hands, weeping, wiping his dinosaur tears away, then weeping some more. It was a woefully pathetic sight. The T-Rump approached, standing over him.
“And don’t expect any sympathy from me. I’m probably going to die now — all because of you. After I’ve done s-o-o-o-o much for Dino Nation, ten times more than the Obamarus, to be knocked down in my prime, just before I was going to take this whole thing to the next level and make some real moolah-moolah leaves.”
“T-Rump, I — I don’t know where to begin. I can’t believe this happened. One minute I’m mocking this thing and the next … I — I’ve given you a death sentence.”
“Thanks for putting a fine point on it. You’re going to have to do better than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“This is uncharted territory for me. I should kill you because you’ve basically killed me. But I abhor violence. Still, somehow you managed to get the drop on me. I don’t like that. I refuse to believe that. You’re going to spend the night here in this godforsaken place. Sleep here like a dog. Do you understand that?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Now grovel some more.”
“Oh, I can do better than that.”
“Eh?”
The Mattgaetz was ready to do anything — absolutely anything — to get back in the T-Rump’s good graces, if only for a limited amount of time. And with that the Mattgaetz wiped his wet eyes dry and sang a song …
Everybody needs a little time away
I heard that came from your mother
I was with you for that entire day
I love you like a brother
Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry
I just wanted to play
After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew?
And after all that near-instant karma
You’re just the part of me that sank so low
Couldn’t stand to be kept away from the grifting you embody
Didn’t wanna be swept away, but I know your push comes to shove me
Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry. You can tell me I blow
Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry. I’m just a stupid side-show
After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew?
And after all that near-instant karma
You’re just the part of me that sank so low
After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew?
You’re gonna be the unlucky one.
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 