I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.
Seven years ago, the Republican Party promised a new health care package to replace Obamacare the minute they were elected.
During that time, Stephen King has written 9 novels totaling 4,823 pages. All by himself.
You recall in my last report there were leaks in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir attributed to the Crookadillary. With today’s discovery of two new dinosaurs — that’s 40 if you’re keeping score at home* — there are new talons pointing to the cause of these leaks.
The most vocal tail-wagger is the Scaramunchkin, a small Minnymeesaurid from Lower Mongolia. He has a stout body with a short, thick neck, short forelimbs and tall hind legs. The dome of his head has a row of small bony spikes and bumps. Absent from all other species, the Scaramunchkin has a posterior parietal (rear skull bone) that restricts his frontal dome.
Again, this is after careful paleo-political analysis, but the Scaramunchkin was basically calling out all senior members of the Tyrumposaurae, particularly a member of the Sub Family Underbus.
I’m referring to the Priebusunderbus, a lactosian dinosaur originally found in the Cheesehead Formation of present-day Wisconsin. This species has a parrot-like beak and is a fierce gate-keeper of his oval dwelling.
The Priebusunderbus has thus far remained silent but make no mistake, the Scaramunchkin is making direct communication and moving in with a vengeance.
They’re all here. The front page faces, the hard-to-spell names and the incredible Russian-American comradery on the day most say “it all came together.” Relive all the drama from June 9, 2016.
Soon to be available in a 24” x 36” authentic regulation welcome mat. You’ll be the envy of your neighborhood as you arrive home every day to wipe your feet on your favorite Yardbirds!
If I could read dinosaurs minds, what a tale they’d tell. Maybe it’s because I fell asleep last night listening to Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind. At any rate, today I found tell-tale bones from fossils T-Rump, Sessionsopus, Crookadillary, Comeyonius, Putinodon and Muellersavus landing in my lap. I quickly pieced together the story.
The Sessionsopus had been a trail blazer for the T-Rump, parting the weeds across the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. The T-Rump took him under his tail and they happily coexisted — until the day they came across the Crookadillary at a pond behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. These bones speak to me. Here’s what they say:
“Ohmigod,” said the T-Rump. “The Crookadillary! On my pond. Can you believe it? Prove your loyalty. Attack!”
“But look at her, she’s beaten already. What’s the point?”
“And you call yourself a saurapod? You’re just another quadrupedal herbivore. A herbivore with no teeth. Face it. You’re beleaguered! BE-LEE-GRRED!”
“I have friends on the Hill. Right over there.”
The T-Rump rolled his eyes. The Sessionsopus pushed on.
“I did help you beat the Comeyonius.”
“You’re my assistant gofer. My A.G. What have you done for me lately? Remember the Putinodon? One look and you hid in the bushes. You HID. Out of sight.”
“Excuse me, I excused myself.”
“What kind of dinosaur excuses himself? Why are you even with me?”
“I play nice with the other Donkeycongrus.”
“That’s a weak answer. VERY weak!”
“You can bully me all you want. I’m not going anywhere. I owe it to the Continental Divide.”
“Isn’t that sweet?” said the T-Rump. “You sound just like the Muellersavus.”
The Crookadillary straightened and lumbered away from the pond.
“Look what she did!” the T-Rump bellowed. “She destroyed my pond!”
“It’s leaking.”
“And you just stand there. I’m disappointed. I wanted you to be tougher on leaks. They’re leaking like rarely have they ever leaked before.”
The T-Rump watched the departing Crookadillary.
“That’s it. Run! A pox on you of 30,000 snails!”
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Snail fossils are so very small.
More news for my unique sedimentary layer classification process known as the T-Rump Tower Profile. I struck pay dirt at the lowest level of dirt. I’m calling it the T-Rump Dump. These are the skeletons of dinosaurs that simply got in the T-Rump’s way. For several it was a fall from grace, when they were fully grazing on the Steppes of Liberteez Shield —the site of present-day Puhl-DePlugg. These dinosaurs were chewed up and spit out. The jaws of the T-Rump were merciless. Each of the specimens I discovered had mostly crushed vertebrae. It’s clear the Tyrumposaurus backed up and walked over them again.
Thus far, I emphasize thus far, the T-Rump Dump dinosaurs include …
The Flynnalexus — a bipedaling herbivore with a small head and a long neck. His name is derived from the Latin word for “pickle.”
The Sallyatesaur — a small sauropod with a short neck and stubby limbs who got in the way of the T-Rump’s migratory patterns and paid dearly for it.
The Comeyonus — a carnivorous theropod with an elegant, refined jaw. This turkey-sized prey looked to be easy pickings for the T-Rump, but must have caused massive indigestion.
And finally the Spicerator, a Mediacircustops-chasing malcontentian dinosaur. He had a very rough outer surface that rubbed the T-Rump the wrong way. They were never on the same page.
Waiting for the next dinosaur bone to drop. That’s the kind of watering hole Puhl-DePlugg was during the height — or depth — of the Trumpassic Period.
Sometimes the bones whisper. Sometimes they scream. Today was a screaming day at Puhl-DePlugg. These weren’t shouts of jubilation at the discovery of yet two more dinosaurs. This brings the total to a staggering 35. The fossilized commotion instead had the T-Rump appearing to snipe back at the two new dinos: the Sessionsopus and the Muellersavus.
The Sessionopus was a maximus-justis sauropod with a relatively complete skull. The Muellersavus meanwhile, was a titano-investigatis ankylosaurid whose bones offer a pristine view into the intricate strata of the Kremlinville Close-Mouthed Plot — the latest sedimentary layer in my T-Rump Tower classification. Its dark depth is massive.
It appears, in paleo-political parlance, that the Sessionsopus had, as a matter of course, recused himself outside of the T-Rump’s reach. This obviously left the T-Rump seething and taking aim next at the Muellersavus. There’s a curious red line in the sand between them. This may have something to do with their mytaxes returnis. This is the thick layer of green skin that dinosaurs shed each spring. It’s a painful process that all dinosaurs must undergo. Except for the T-Rump.
Walnut-sized brains aside, I can’t explain why the dinosaurs close to the T-Rump are okay with this. It can only mark the first contagious psychological disease of the Trumpassic Period. Following extensive rock-turning analysis, I have dubbed it the Lost Our Logic Syndrome or LOL.
How many dinosaurs can you fit in a phone booth? We’re now up to eight. That’s the problem with the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. I was hoping for more transparency between the T-Rump and the Mediacircustops because the T-Rump is indeed cratering. Tis better to laugh than cry however. Sift on, Macduff! That would be my trusty dirt box. (Sift. Sift. Sift.)
The eighth dinosaur is the Kaveladzoma, yet another member of the Sub-Family Kayjeebeeops. Yes, you guessed it. He’s linked closely to the Agalarovenator. They’re both Lamborghinius — racing field lizards — from the Mid-to-High Crustaceous-Crocus Group Period. The Kaveladzoma, a voracious but tidy herbivore, was known to have washed his greens 1.4 billion times on 2000 different banks of the Russo-Delaware Broker Ridge.
The T-Rump may have thought this was merely an instant in time but why so many Kayjeebeeops in one place? Were the Akhmetshinesia, Kaveladzoma and Goldsopranos, a ten-ton sycophantae sauropod from the Jersey Shore Shelf all there merely to facilitate a meeting regarding baby dinos the Veselnitschemus and the T-Rump’s horde? Did this have anything to do with her being mere dirt-throwing distance from the Crookadillary?
Downward ho, Macduff! That’s paleontology! That’s politics!
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A young homeless man and a stray black Labrador happen upon each other on the down-and-out streets of Calgary. The man doesn’t know it but the black Labrador is the reincarnation of his estranged father.
The Dog Behind Me is 225 pages long … Genre: Fantasy / Reincarnation … Price: $2.99.
More news on the heels of the osteocollusionitis outbreak here at Puhl-DePlugg. It came to me last night as I was nodding off, dreaming of Dino in the Flintstones. I remembered a 2-day workshop I took in dinosaur forensics. It was called “Follow the Marrow.” This morning that strategy led me to a nearby dinosaur, the Browdersaurus, a huge, 15-ton foreign investaurus.
In my last report, we learned the Putinodon, Akhmetshinesia, Veselnitschemus and other Kayjeebeeops all had osteocollusionitis raging through their bones. But not the Browdersaurus. Let’s recap an epoch or two and line up the three P’s — politico-paleo-psychoanalysis — to bring everyone up to speed.
It’s clear the Magnitskiactosaur had come between the Putinodon and greener pastures, namely Nest Egg Mountain in the distance. The Kayjeebeeops couldn’t travel freely. The Browdersaurus had close, personal ties to the Magnitskiactosaur in life and death, having shared the neighboring region of Leegull Grounds. The Browdersaurus thus put the other dinosaurs on red notice. That’s def-con 4 in dinosaur-speak. Combine this palpable pressure with the multiple bone stress fractures from his osteocollusionitis and one can imagine what a basket case the Putinodon must have been.
And what about the T-Rump? Will he intervene and provide the Putinodon safe passage to Nest Egg Mountain? Stay tuned. I have Disney on the phone. There’s money in this mud.
David Belisle