https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-5ae8q-b570f4
In this week’s two-fer podcast, on Day 879–Cybersaurus? What Cybersaurus? … the T-Rump faces the wrath of his handler, the Putinodon. Then, on Day 883–My Wedding and Maria … a high-ranking dino under secretary has her wedding crashed by a Russodino!
Branches snapped and wildlife scattered. The Joshrogin dino, Sub Family of the Washingtonpostian, was chasing down a big story. He traipsed through the underbrush, pausing to sniff, then doggedly continuing along, breaking trail as only a Washingtonpostian could. While the Tyrumposaurus’ time in the Oval Dwelling guaranteed a daily crisis or a weekly earthquake event, this was a dino nation colossal calamity he was bent on uncovering. It connected on seedier, more sinister levels — than even a hike to the top of the T-Rump Dump luxury caves.
The dots the Joshrogin had connected thus far were not fake news or a hoax or T-Rump harassment. There was the Andreathompson, that is, the under secretary dino of state for short arms attack and international security affairs, having her wedding to the Aussie-Barbieshrimp dino, the Davidgillian officiated by the Grandoldparty dino, the Paulerickson. The same Paulerickson who was bungling in the jungle with the recently convicted Russodino spy, the Mariabutina.
But dot-connecting was for spotted dinosaurs, the Joshrogin was looking for that piece of evidence that could topple a dino dynasty. He stopped on the beach of Spoonsoon Lagoon and scratched his noggin. Now where would a dino hide footprints in the sand from her wedding day?
Aha! Of course. The Joshrogin peeled back the long, low-hanging, Honeysuckle branch of the Honeymoon Tree. The footprints were two years old but the special day’s moments had been perfectly preserved in the Honeysuckle shade. The unmistakably lady-like footprints from the Andreathompson read …
What a day. What a simply incredible day. You never know how your wedding day will turn out. You lie awake at night worrying about every last little detail. From the edible flowers to the guest list, you can only hope and pray things go according to plan. But it was perfect. Because, when it comes right down to it, what happens happens. So you leave it to fate. Yet you know in your heart there’s one dino who’s joining you that day. The dino that’s showing up just for you. Only you. And that dino was … Maria. I was so impressed with her.
From the moment she arrived on Paul’s arm, she came right over to me. I still remember her freckled red-skinned frame bouncing across the lagoon to visit with me. She had that fun, carefree look in her eye and that oh-so sweet, innocent face. And that knowing look, that almost sly smile, the kind that exudes confidence, so much so you feel compelled to let your guard down. And so help me, I did. Her kind, generous nature made me completely forget the 100,000 moolah-moolah leaves that our marriage official Paul had stolen from David. I mean, Paul officiating our wedding was the least he could do. If things don’t work out with David, he owes me at least three more.
But back to Maria. Sigh. My Maria. She was the most curious dino. She wanted to know all about me! Such interest! She played my emotions like, well, like I wish David would. We shared our secrets like two teenage dinos crunching, munching through a pair of Chocolatotops. She told me about the work she’d been doing with the Gunsandmoregunz dinos. After dinner, she even taught me a few Russodino words. She said they might come in handy later. I had no idea she was a Russodino! Who knew?
She asked me about my boss and his boss and on and on. She wanted to meet all of them. What ambition! I told her I’d see what I could do. After all, she’s not a Donkeykongrus, so I promised her transparency. You should’ve seen her face. She was so happy, she began crying. And since the day already had me so emotional … hey, it’s my wedding and I’ll cry if I want to!
After we wiped our happy tears away, things got a little strange. Like intriguing. In a good way. She began saying things like counter intelligence and asking me if I’d like to speak with dinos in the Putinodon’s inner circle, under the pretense of eventually speaking with him. It all sounded very exciting. She spoke very highly of him, making him sound like a really nice dino, a dino worth knowing.
It was then I could sense a little voice in the back of my head speaking up. Like that feeling you get when you’re downwind from a starving Stegosaurus? Or maybe just the anxiety of the upcoming conjugal jungle bungle with David kicking in.
Finally, capping the end to this wonderful day, Maria said she and the Paulerickson had to be on their way. She winked at me and told me this day would be our little secret. I said of course. She told me she wanted to keep in touch. Be still, my pounding heart. I promised her I would!
A nervous humility settled over the Tyrumposaurus, his smug pomposity leaving him for its rightful owner, the resolute puppet master squatting nearby.
“You have a Cybersaurus sniffing in my backyard,” said the Putinodon. “Deep in my backyard.”
The Russodino leader swished his tail across the ground in a slow, steady motion … kindling the tension … stoking the suspense … firing the fear. The short Putinodon squatted on a rock three higher than the T-Rump, glaring down from a position of authority. For his latest burn.
“I didn’t know about it. Honest,” pleaded the T-Rump.
“You gave your Cybersaurus command dinos the go ahead on this a year ago. Are you telling me you forgot about it?”
The T-Rump gulped. How could he tell the Putinodon that he forgot a lot of things? Like … everything.
“The Langleyops, they don’t tell me anything. I don’t think they respect me. I have no idea why.”
“Enough! It’s done. Your Langleyops minions leaked it to the Mediacircustops. You left me no choice.”
“To do what?” asked the T-Rump.
“Argie-Bargie, Para-Uruguay. 50 million dinos. Powerless.”
“That was you?”
Normally, the Putinodon’s knowing smirk said it all. But his Kayjeebeeops dino background told him the T-Rump would always need things spelled out.
“That was I. The dino you answer to. I suggest you go back to the Oval Dwelling and put your rhetoric on high flame against the Mediacircustops or the next story they tell will be …”
“Uh, the Moscovian Bluffs luxury cave? The multi-dino bungle in the jungle? Not my special pee tree?”
“There are so many to choose from,” the Putinodon said with a wry smile. “The Christophersteele barely scraped the surface …”
Within hours the T-Rump’s Trollertweety had practically morphed into a fire-breathing dragon …
“Squawk! Mediacircustops! Virtual act of treason! Desperate! Squawk! Also, Not True! Anything goes! Squawk! Not even the slightest thought of consequence! Unlike the T-Rump. Squawk! True cowards! Enemy of the dinos! Squawk!”
The T-Rump arrived back at the Oval Dwelling, but not before the Jimacosta caught up with him.
“T-Rump! Did you read the Dinos Open Jawed legal opinion refusing to hand the Mytaxes Returnus skins you’ve shed for the last six years over to the Richardneal?”
“Of course I have.”
The Jimacosta’s jaw hit the ground.
“All 33 footprints in the sand?”
“What? If I’m going to lie about reading the Muellersavus’ Report’s 448 footprints, then of course I’m going to lie about 33. You’re not too bright, Jim.”
“T-Rump, the legal opinion said the committee lacks a legitimate, legislative purpose but the Richardneal said they’re conducting oversight to keep future dino leaders from hiding their skins.”
“This would set a dangerous precedent. Very dangerous.”
“What precedent? You’re the precedent for NOT providing your Mytaxes Returnus. Every other dino leader has. You claim the Richardneal is acting pre-textual.”
“Pre-textual? Don’t give me pre-textual. I already told you I read the damn thing. The request is unauthorized, okay?”
“Unauthorized? It’s the law! As in shall furnish.”
“Don’t be a wise guy, Jim. I’m just obeying the Dinos Open Jawed and my Attorney General. What was that? Did somebody just cough? I hate it when I’m interrupted by a cough. Mickmulvaney! It was you, wasn’t it? Get out of here! And take the Jimacosta with you.”
A moment later, the T-Rump squatted in the Oval Dwelling. Alone. This wouldn’t do. He had to be seen.
“Mick! Get back in here!”
The Mickmulvaney arrived out of breath.
“Yes, T-Rump?”
“Go get the Huckabeecyclops for me.”
“She left.”
“Whaddaya mean left?! She owes me two weeks!”
“Uh, T-rump. She said that since she’s done nothing for three months, why wait another two weeks?”
“Oh, yeah? Well, you track her down and tell her she’s paying me back two weeks moolah-moolah or she can kiss that little rock in Arkansas she’s gonna hide behind good-bye.”
“Very well, T-Rump. Oh, I’ve taken the liberty to line up the best dinos we have for her vacant position, you know, doing her best to keep the Milkanhoney Preservation informed.
“She’s going to be so difficult to replace. Who do we have?”
“The Stevecourtes and the Hogangidley.”
“And?”
“Uh, that’s it.”
“No women?”
“There were three who showed an interest … but they backed out, afraid you’d show an interest in them.”
A frown from the T-Rump.
“Fine. Send’em in.”
The Stevecourtes stomped in, the expression on his face saying he was happy and looking for a fight at the same time. The Hogangidley ambled in behind him, not quite as confident. More of a bewildered whimp of a dino, one that a stiff breeze might deposit elsewhere.
The T-Rump sized up his two candidates.
“Steve, Hogan, I’m getting nailed out there. Who wants the job? Who’s going to protect me, spread the lies? Can you throw yourself off a cliff for me and kick the Mitchgetbacktowork in the teeth if need be? Well?”
“Excuse me, T-Rump,” said Hogan. “I don’t think I can rightly kick Mitch in the teeth if I just threw myself off a cliff.”
Idiot, thought the T-Rump. That’s what I’m down to.
“Steve, you’re first.”
“T-Rump, thanks for this golden opportunity. Look, you know I know migration. I’m what they call specialized. So let me tell you this. I just came up with it a minute ago, so yes, I can think and speak at the same time. I’m telling you, this Great Tex-Mex Divide crisis, it’s a cyber-migration conspiracy. That’s right. And we can blame it on the Africanamerica dino. I mean, what are they even doing there? It makes no sense at all … but very good sense for my latest conspiracy theory.”
The Stevecourtes smug smile was met with the T-Rump’s scrunched face of confused disbelief. The dino leader nodded for the Hogangidley to hop in.
“Ah, thank you, T-Rump. I want you to try this one on fer size. Yuh see, we’re used to seein’ the men messin’ around with the moolah-moolah what with the corruption an’ all. But now yuh see the wife of the Netan-yee-haw over in them Middle Eastlands and the Duncanhunter’s wife spendin’ other dino’s moolah-moolah like it’s goin’ outta style … and the Mitchgetbacktowork’s wife, the Elainechao helpin’ him out with a million here and there … an’ the Stevenmnuchin’s wife puckerin’ up now fer a quick fix on her trashy-trash image …”
“Exactly what are you trying to say, Hogan?”
“Oh, I was just ramblin’ on. … No, hold on. What I’m sayin’, boss, is blame the wife! Why not? You’re married, ain’t yuh?”
The smallest walnut turned slowly in the T-Rump’s brain.
“If I may,” said the Stevecourtes. “The Tymelania did say ‘Be Best.’ So, you’ve gotta ask yourself, T-Rump. Who’s the best in your family?”
https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-i52i8-b4ac65
This week’s double-feature includes: Day 872–D-Day Disaster … Sparks fly when Foxsquawkbox dino, the Lauraingraham, sits down with the Tyrumposaurus in Normandia … and … Day 876–Filler Words … The Ricksantorum blindly races to the T-Rump’s defense for the umpteenth time.
The Ricksantorum looked across the flat rock at the hard-staring Mediacircustops dinos before him. There was the deep-digging Andersoncooper, the legal expert Lauracoates and the Davidgergen, he of four-dino-regime fame. Seven years previous, the Ricksantorum had battled for Grandoldparty leadership of the free-running dino world against the Mittromney, eventually crying wolf and not much more when he got his at some nondescript Gettysburg address.
The Ricksantorum was now reduced to playing a steady role as defender of the Tyrumposaurus or hinging the unhinged as it were, for the main path Mediacircustops, who prided themselves on presenting both sides of the story as opposed to the typical Foxsquawkbox dino who had long since become the T-Rump’s Trumpeter Swamp Swan.
“We’re surprised to see you here, Rick,” said the Andersoncooper. “The Davidgergen said he’d take a flying leap in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir if you had the nerve to show.”
“You’re too old to fly, leap or swim,” the Ricksantorum said with a nervous laugh.
“And here you are,” said Anderson, “the very day after the T-Rump says to the dino world that it is a-okay to receive dirt on your opponent from a foreign dino nation, the November Battle dino chair, the Ellenweintraub left footprints in the sand saying, let me make something 100% clear to the Milkanhoney Preservation and any dino running for a public post: It is illegal for any dino to solicit, accept, or receive anything of value from a foreign dino in connection with our November Battles. … Oh,” said Anderson. “And she added, this is not a novel concept. … Oh, and this too, I would not have thought that I needed to say this.”
The Andersoncooper eyed the Ricksantorum warily.
“I don’t know which leaves me more incredulous, this audacious — illegal act — being promoted by the T-Rump or your sitting across from me ready to, dare I say, defend it?”
“Well, actually, Anderson, the explanation is easy. Look, the president throws terms maybe … uh, he has sort of as we all do … we have filler words that we throw out there … and … that, that don’t mean what they say like, you know, I think.”
“I think?” said Anderson. “So the T-Rump is just saying … I think?”
“Pretty much.”
“I think I’m going to go throw up a Turkeysaurus. Filler words, you say. Wow. That’s a new one. You didn’t get that from the Kellyanneconvixway, did you?”
“Oh, no. I came up with this on my own.”
“You know, Rick,” said the Lauracoates, “I’m pretty sure the dino court judges are not going to buy your argument of, ahem … filler words … when the impeachment inquiry comes down the pike any day now. It begs the question that, if the T-Rump throws out these filler words, as you say we all do, perhaps you can enlighten us as to what he was really trying to say when he spoke of wanting to rip baby dinos from their mothers’ arms at the Great Tex-Mex Divide …”
“Well, uh … you see …”
“Or when he said there were good dinos on both sides of the Charlottesville Divide.”
“Uh, um, I suppose …”
“And what about throwing all his Langleyops dinos under the Priebusunderbus at Smelstinki at the smelly, stinky feet of the Putinodon? More filler words you say?”
“Okay, okay. He uses filler words to … Fill. His. Sentences. They don’t make rhyme or reason. They just … fill in the sentence. There, I said it. Sheesh! Are you happy now?”
There was tittering and giggling on the stage between the Mediacircustops at the Ricksantorum’s latest failed attempt to explain away the T-Rump’s third crisis of the day. The other two were waiting off stage.
The Kellyanneconvixway and the Huckabeecyclops watched the Mediacircustops intently. Kellyanne nudged her one-eyed colleague.
“Have you heard the latest?”
“No, what?”
“The Hatch Act …”
“You’re pregnant again?! Oh, Kellyanne! I’m so happy for you! You’re going to lay an egg!”
“No, no. It’s not that.”
The Huckabeecyclops hadn’t briefed the Mediacircustops on Oval Dwelling matters for 94 days and had long since lost interest in keeping up with politics, laws and all things Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. Kellyanne tried explaining.
“The Hatch, it …”
The Huckabeecyclops froze, no longer paying attention to what Kellyanne was saying. Hatchet? Ohmigod. He’s firing me. The T-Rump is letting me go. It’s those 94 days. I know it is. I should’ve said something. Anything. But I couldn’t. Those were the orders. His orders. Damn it.
“Huckabee?” asked Kellyanne. “Is something wrong?”
The Huckabeecyclops could only leer back at her. That smug, little fussbudget. That’s her, alright. Get the news from the T-Rump. No Mediacircustops. No Trollertweety. The little Lizardface has to come and tell me herself … so she can revel in my pain. We’ll see about that!
“Don’t,” she said to the Kellyanneconvixway with a killer look in her eye. “Just don’t.”
The Huckabeecyclops stormed past her and onto the flat rock to squat beside the Andersoncooper. She glared at the Ricksantorum.
“Rick, take a hike. Filler words. Hmmph. You’re an embarrassment to the Grandoldparty.”
“What?!”
His face froze as her eyes narrowed. His mother told him about female dinos with narrowing eyes. He quickly exited stage left.
“The Huckabeecyclops,” said the Andersoncooper. “What a pleasant surprise.”
“I wish it was under better circumstances, Anderson. I’m here to tell you I’ve been axed. Canned. Dirted down the road.”
“Do tell.”
The Kellyanneconvixway rushed up behind her.
“Huckabee!”
“Still trying to steal the spotlight, are you? Go! Get away from me!”
With that, her long tail lashed out, following through and launching the petite Kellyanne into a deep shrub of Thornberries some forty yards away.
God that felt good, she thought. I can only ask myself … why did I wait so long? She turned back to Anderson.
“I lied.”
“We know.”
“No, I really lied.”
“We really know.”
“The Mueller Report finally got me. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been lying so long it feels like the truth to me. Honest.”
“O-k-a-a-a-y. But Huckabee, why are you coming clean now? Is it the guilt? A clearing of your conscience perhaps? Concern for your family?”
“I’m not so much coming clean, Anderson … as I am ready to embark on my next career.”
“As …”
“Oh, I’m sure you can guess. For a dino like me who’s fibbed enough to impress even the exalted T-Rump.”
“Wait, are you talking about a career in … politics?”
“I’m going to be the best damn governor behind a little rock in Arkansas.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’ll see you for who you are. Say, while we have you here, any comments on the federal dinos saying the Kellyanneconvixway should be removed because of the Hatch Act?”
Her eyes went wide.
“Did you say … Hatch Act?”
The Lauraingraham shifted her slim hips on her rocky seat in heightened anticipation. A sly grin crossed her lizard lips. Things couldn’t be more perfect. Here she was, squatting with the Tyrumposaurus on the 75th anniversary of the great Dino Day invasion. On these hallowed grounds, tens of thousands of allied dinosaurs invaded Normandia to push back the overzealous Nazisaurae’s quest for dino dominance.
This was the T-Rump’s 55th interview with the Foxsquawkbox dinos. That was 55 more than he’d had with that other Mediacircustops outlet catering to the Andersoncoopers and Jimacostas of the dino world.
The Lauraingraham looked over the T-Rump’s shoulder at the stunning backdrop, a dinosaur burial ground that 75 years had done little to change. Skeletal remains protruded from the ground as far as the eye could see, a vivid reminder of the courage, the discipline, the massive scope of the endearing principles these fallen warriors displayed so that all dinos could be free to live in harmony.
“So glad you could join me, T-Rump. Great weather, huh?”
“Yes. I understand the Dino-Day invasion was delayed by a day because of poor weather but … not for me! I’m here so the weather is outstanding.”
“Have you enjoyed your visit thus far with the royal dino, the Elizabethantwo?”
“Fantastic. Automatic chemistry, I tell you. Auto-matic. I’m the carbon. She’s the oxygen.”
“I believe that makes carbon monoxide.”
“Great chemistry. We need more of it. She took one look at me and fell right into line. She has never had a better time than this time she’s had with me. Never before. Just don’t tell the Tymelania, okay? I’ve really got to look into this royal dino thing. There’s something to it. We wouldn’t have to deal with any more term limits, would we?”
“Afraid not. T-Rump, the Great Tex-Mex Divide remains your number one priority and three years later those left-wing radical Donkeykongrus remain incredibly slow on the uptake. Do you think that siccing five Tariffraptors on the Mexicodinos will do the trick?”
“Laura, you don’t know how badly I want to shout, Release the Tariffraptors!”
“Oh, my. T-Rump. You made my skin crawl. In a good way.”
“I have that effect on dinos. The Tariffraptor is such a beautiful dino. No, Laura, I just did the math this morning so the fake news Mediacircustops will of course get it wrong — but the migrating Latinonachos killed 100,000 dinos and ruined one million dino families. Don’t bother looking it up. You won’t find it. Just trust me on this.”
“Of course we do, T-Rump. Anything you want to get off your chest as we sit here looking over this vast memorial to dinos young and old who gave their lives so we could sit here and talk freely and frankly about the debacle that is the Donkeykongrus?”
“I didn’t come all this way for nothing. I think the Nancypelosi a disgrace. I actually don’t think she’s a talented dino. I’ve tried to be nice to her because I would’ve liked to have gotten some deals done. She’s incapable of doing deals. The thing is, she waits until I’m away from the Milkanhoney Preservation to say that I should be in the Solitary Sinkhole. Who me!? Now if I was to say anything bad about her on the dino world stage there would be major, major footprints in the sand for all dinos to see.”
“She had no right,” said the Lauraingraham. “Who does she think she is? Meanwhile you remain s-o-o-o leader-like.”
“And so I’d like to add that she’s a nasty, vindictive, horrible dino.”
“You’re on a roll, T-Rump. I’m just going to sit back and let you carry on as only you can.”
“Thank you. Now I know a month ago I said the long awaited Muellersavus footprints in the sand were gospel … but I take it all back.”
“Taking it all back,” she echoed. “Okay. Memory erase. Back track. Square one.”
“Because I can. Let’s remember where I was, ahem … before I misspoke. The Muellersavus and his 13 angry, horrible Donkeykongrus were totally biased against me. Totally. He even had to straighten out his testimony because his testimony was wrong.”
“Which is why you didn’t read it, T-Rump. Of course. You knew it was wrong all along. Never trust the boy scout dino when it’s the grifter dino in you that spots the mistakes. Enough admiring the landscape. The masses need a Cryingchuck blast, oh, esteemed leader of all things condescending.”
“You sounded there like you were treating me as royalty. Keep it up. Yes, the Cryingchuck is a disaster. He’s a total political, you know, jerk. Oh, before I forget. Just so you know, I’m actually holding up the Dino Day activities — they’re putting everything on hold so I can do your show. But that’s because I’m here with you. Congratulations on how popular you are. With me here. You and me.
“Uh … that came out of nowhere. T-Rump, as we look around during this solemn memorial, could you tell the dinos across the world what you pray for?”
“Of course. I pray for piece. You know, a piece of the action? Our dinos have to be in fighting shape. I’m responsible for putting the pieces in place there. And a piece of the moolah-moolah leaves that drive our strong dino nation. I want a big piece, I mean … I’m taking care of that too.”
“You’re the biggest, T-Rump. The best. I want to say a big thank you for visiting with us today.”
“Okay, did I say they’re holding things up for me?”
“Twice. You’ve made our day here so very special. Thanks again, T-Rump.”
The T-Rump rose and exited stage left. The Lauraingraham waited until he was out of sight. She turned to her audience of 13 lonely dinos.
“Some of you may have heard the T-Rump say he held up the Dino Day activities so he could do my interview. That is patently false. Fake news. The T-Rump can lie whenever he wants except when it makes me look bad!”
“Profoundly clueless?! She called my profoundly clueless! How dare she!”
The Kushneratops’ face cork-screwed into a cruel scowl as he and the Tyvankanatrix stared down at the footprints in the sand, the latest report from the Mediacircustops, the Jillfilipovic.
“Relax, dear. It’s just more fake news,” said Tyvanka.
“I wish it was. Except that … I resemble that remark.”
“No, not you, sweetheart. Perhaps she’s referring to father. She did say the next battle campaign could restore competence, stature and sanity to the Oval Dwelling.”
“Don’t patronize me. You know how I hate being patronized. Look, right here,” he said, pointing at a telling footprint. “… this under-qualified senior advisor. Hah! Name me one dino — just one — who hasn’t had a mediocre academic career, a massive condo cave failure and purchased a Mediacircustops footprints in the sand venture as a vanity project and watched it disappear in the quicksand.”
“Your logic is s-o-o-o very sound, dear. I love it when your little attitude voice speaks up. You don’t look like a little dino anymore.”
He gave her a hurt, wounded look.
“Oh, no. I’m sorry, dear. I called you little in back-to-back sentences, didn’t I? Fear not. You did marry a Tyrumposaurus and daddy likes you.”
“That’s what the Jillfilipovic said.”
“Oh.”
He gulped anew. She looked at him with genuine caring.
“Get it out, Kush-Kush. Get it all out.”
“She called me rich dolt! A rich dolt for crying out loud!”
“Try and remember what father said.”
“What you see and hear isn’t really happening?”
“No. Any publicity is good publicity. At least they’re talking about you.”
“Yes, but … she didn’t call you a rich dolt that’s profoundly clueless. I don’t know if I can take this.” He dabbed at his right eye. “I think … I think I’m going to cry.”
“Cheer up, sweetheart. Look, right here. She says you occupy one of the most powerful positions on earth.”
“Even though I’m ignorant, middling and amoral,” he finished reading the footprint and sniffed back tears.
The Tyvankanatrix frowned.
“Jared. Stop reading. Just stop. You can’t do this to yourself.”
“But I want to be like your father, to be able to lie at will, double down, and come up with an ingratiating nicknames like Nervous Nancy. Pure genius.”
“But that’s not who you are, my little Kush-Kush. I mean tall, skinny … I mean. Never mind. My father has no soul. And you’re not mean like him. It’s not in your nature. You’re an endangered species, dear.”
“You’re not helping matters.”
She smiled at him.
“I’m kidding. I love it when you flash your smug, sly, self-serving smile.”
“You do?”
“Sure, it tells everyone you know more than they do, even when you don’t.”
“You think so? You really do? Don’t lie to me like your dad now.”
“Of course.”
“You don’t know how convincingly fraudulent that makes me feel. I love you, Tyvanka.”
“I love you, Kush-Kush.”
“Even when the Jillfilipovic calls me a whole lot of nothing?”
“Of course. Because you’re a whole lot of … something.”
“Like?”
She struggled for words, her eyes falling, finally finding the footprints, frantically skimming them. “Here, it says good thing.”
He sighed and read the full footprint.
“She says I manage to spin my utter incompetence as a good thing.”
“Jared, I know we don’t do this very often, but let’s look at the facts. You protected my father when she called him racist.”
“I did, didn’t I?”
“And you made a beautiful dodge when she pressured you on father’s whole campaign to say the Obamarus wasn’t born in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”
“And the dino abortion issue,” said Kushner, gaining confidence. “Don’t forget that. When they asked me if I supported dino abortion rights, I told them I’m here to enforce the T-Rump’s positions. His position is one that as a dino member in the Oval Dwelling we’ll work to push.”
“That was impressive. What does it even mean?”
“Precisely.”
They smiled and any other dino couple might have laughed. Not these two. They’d tried that once. Hers was a tittering lilt, his a nasal guffaw. When combined it grated nerves and threatened their social status. So, there was no laughter for them. Besides, laughter wasn’t part of the T-Rump credo. Only deriding sarcasm and verbal attacks. Laughter was for weak dinos, the second class, the caring, the vulnerable. Laughter was for losers.
Thankfully, those ‘losers’ do have a sense of humor because they aren’t profoundly clueless.
The Muellersavus took one last look at Impeachment Pond. It shimmered in the late afternoon sun, begging dinosaurs of any stripe to stop and dip their feet in its cool, cleansing waters. But were they? The ever-present Muellersavus had skirted the pond for too long, studying instead the troubled waters feeding into the pond, tributaries finally settling in a slough of mystery and wonder.
Some dinos called a dip in Impeachment Pond the cure for what ails you. A golden opportunity to put things right. But the Muellersavus knew in his heart it was not his call to make. He could only bring dinos so far. It was not his decision to make them drink. He turned to the other dinos.
“No questions.”
And with a wave of his short arm, he departed toward the sunset.
The Nancypelosi’s gaze followed him.
“Where’s he going?”
“He’s done,” said the Adamschiff. “He said all he had to say.”
“22 months,” said the Jerrynadler. “That’s a lot of footprints in the sand. And dare I say you’re looking at the only dinos who read them.”
The three veteran Donkeykongrus dinos stood on the bank, looking over Impeachment Pond and the 50 dinos having taken the plunge. 50 dinos whose eyes fixated upon the Nancypelosi and her steady, stern gaze. She was hesitant about joining them.
The Coreybooker caught her eye.
“We have a legal and moral obligation to be in here,” he said.
The Buddhajudge held his hands a foot apart.
“You’re this close to Impeachment, Nancy. Into the pond, out of the swamp.”
“I – I want to thank you for not pushing me.”
“C’mon, girl,” the Kamalaharris urged her on. “Just another step. You can do it.”
“I take back what I just said.”
“Just so we’re clear, everyone,” the Elizabethwarren shouted. “I was here first!”
“No you weren’t,” said the Rashidatlaib. “We’ve been in here for two months. Haven’t we, guys?”
She and the Alexandriaocasiocortez, the Ilhanomar, the Ayannapresley, the Filemonvela and the Jaredhuffman all hooted and hollered, waving to the other dinos.
“You all are just gettin’ your feet wet.”
All eyes turned to the Algreen.
“We’ve been treading water for two-and-a-half years. Ain’t that right, guys?”
His hearty group raised their short arms in triumph, punching the air. They included the Stevecohen, the Marciafudge and the Adrianoespaillat.
“Nancy.” It was the Kirstengillibrand. “The Muellersavus led us here. We have the authority to take this leap of faith when he could not. It’s what he wanted. For us.”
“She’s right,” said the Betosaurus. “I’ve been here for ten days. It just looks like I’m sinking.”
Head down, the Nancypelosi paced along the bank.
“I’m still investigating. I want to go where the facts take me.”
“And here you are,” said the Berniesanders. “We are all here thanks to the T-Rump. Let’s talk accountability. Gee, I wonder how we can thank him.”
The pond rippled with it’s occupants’ laughter.
“Heck,” said the Ericswalwell, “while we’re at it, we should, ahem … thank the attorney dino general Williambarr as well.”
The Sethmoulton splashed the water.
“I second that emotion.”
“Nancy.” It was the Veronicaescobar. “I know that if you were in here with the rest of us, you’d see that we cannot tolerate this level of obstruction. Ow! Speak of the devil, I just stubbed my toe on another one.”
“I hear you,” said the Joeneguse. “There’s a pattern of obstruction here.”
“Feels like a stonewall to me,” said the Dianadegette.
“Julian,” Nancy asked the Juliancastro. “Why are you in there?”
“It’s perfectly reasonable.”
“Hmm,” she replied. “I’d still like to speak with the Donmcgahn.”
“That’s why I’m in here!” said the Davidcicilline.
“Me too!” said the Markpocan.
The Johnyarmuth eyed the Nancypelosi with a smirk.
“Face it. Your joining us is going to be inevitable.”
“That logic is pretty overwhelming at this point,” echoed the Jamieraskin.
“It’s a hard fact,” said the Valdemings. “You’ve run out of options.”
The Nancypelosi maintained her stiff upper lip.
“I want to do what’s right. What gets results.”
“Jump in the lake already!” came the voice of some dinosaur far off in the bushes awoken from his nap.
She ignored the intrusion and repeated herself.
“What gets results.”
“You want results?” It was the short, squat, smiling Mikequigley. “When you looked the other way. I jumped in. Hah! Beat ya! Number 51, baby!”
It was too much for the Nancypelosi. Young whipper-snappers, she muttered to herself. New progressive dinos. Well, they’d just have to wait. She was still cold to the idea. She turned on her heels and slowly ambled off after the Muellersavus.
A worried, jittery Jerrynadler and the wistful Adamschiff looked after her.
“Don’t worry, Jerry. She’ll come around.” The Adamschiff cast an eye toward Impeachment Pond. “C’mon, let’s test those waters. Last one in is a T-Rump Dump!”
David Belisle