Category: The T-Rump Dig

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Should I Stay or Should I Go? …

It was a tense morning in the Mincepencenow cave. Mike and Mother had slept little the previous night. The naming of the Kamalaharris as the Joebiden’s running mate in the upcoming November battle weighed heavily upon their minds. Mother looked at her husband of 35 years and steeled herself to press forward no matter what Q-Anonymousarus dino had entered the Grandoldparty swamp water circles or however many key Postalsaurae dinos were told to go home and stay in their caves until further notice.

There would be three debates between the T-Rump and the Joebiden but only one between their right-hand dinos, the Mincepencenow and the Kamalaharris.

“Only one debate, Mike. Only one.”

“You say that so easily. You don’t have to debate her. What am I going to say?”

“What you always say.”

“That I worship every square inch of the ground the T-Rump walks on?”

“It’s worked so far. Look, by the time your debate rolls around in October, there will be no Postalsaurae left. Our word-of-mouth early voting system will effectively be shut down. Couple that with the Covid virus ravaging Dino Nation and the dino tots all cave quarantined because the T-Rump purposely did nothing to try and save 165,000 dino lives. This perfect storm gets more perfect by the day. No, the Joebiden and that phoney-boney Kamalaharris will be too late with all their late game magic to try and turn this thing around. The T-Rump has laid the nation’s carcass bare and we will be there to smell, lick and devour the spoils. You can talk about the wonders of slurping that yucky pond scum Hydroxicholorquine for all I care, this is a done deal.”

“But I don’t know anything about Hydroxichloroquine.”

“Oh, that’s right. Even though you’re the lead dino on the Covid task force, you apparently can’t delegate in a debate. We’ll have to work on that one. No problem. Just start blaming the Obamarus and whatever you do, don’t stop. The Donkeykongrus have caused every problem known to the Dino Nation for the past 50 million years. You hear me?”

“Yes, mother. But …”

“But what?”

“The T-Rump is going to want me to, you know …”

“Talk about him?”

“That’s all I do. That’s all I’ve ever had to do. It’s worked so far, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, dear. But these are tough times.”

“With Covid?”

“No, the general distaste for the T-Rump. But we must keep our eye on the prizes corruption brings us and forge ahead.”

“I guess. I’ll try. I know. I’ll work through the debate issue. I can set it to music to help me focus better.”

“That’s the ticket. Let me know when you’re done.”

“Oh, I’m done right now. I stayed up all night, remember? It’s all pretty crystal clear.”

 

Mother, you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

If you say that I’ll be fine

You haven’t seen her tackle crime

I didn’t sign up for this show

Should I stay or should I go?

Life was a breeze, breeze, breeze

T-Rump just liked me on my knees

One day it’s Joe and then she’s back

She will expose me as a hack

Why can’t I just tell her no?

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?

Should I debate? I don’t know how.

Kamala will give me trouble

That’s why I’ll need to find a bubble

Can’t get sick so I can’t go

This near collision’s bugging me

Just thinking of her makes me pee

She already sees right through me

I’m just your wannabe vee pee

A yes man can’t say no

I know they’re gonna think I’m slow

O-o-h, n-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Should I stay or should I go now?

Should I debate? I don’t know how.

Kamala will give me trouble

That’s why I’ll need to find a bubble

Will we land out on skid row?

She has a much better bi-oh

Should I stay or should I go now?

Kamala will give me trouble

That’s why I’ll need to find a bubble

A yes man can’t say no

Should I stay or should I go?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Fix is In …

The Tyrumposaurus gripped the flat rock lectern, grinned smugly and pointed to the Lauracotes for the next question.

“T-Rump, the Dino Nation is on the verge of 5 million Coronavirus cases and has suffered over 160,000 deaths. And yet you decide to hold a Mediacircustops briefing not at the Oval Dwelling but here at your Bedminster Bedrock, thus roping in a bunch of your flogging buddies. This is nothing but a campaign appearance. And oh, by the way, I don’t see any social distancing.”

There came a chorus of boos from the crowd. The T-Rump smirked.

“No, they don’t have to because it’s a political activity. They have exceptions. It’s also a peaceful protest.” 

“Peaceful protest? What are they protesting? The Caviarraptor legs? I thought it was a Mediacircustops briefing? So then, peaceful protests justify breaking the rules? What about Lafayette Park?”

The T-Rump pretended he didn’t hear.

“Moving right along, I will be taking executive dino action on payroll moolah-moolah taxes, extending unemployed dino benefits, and extending the moratorium on dinos being dragged out of their caves.” 

“Excuse me, T-Rump.” The Lauracotes was one spirited Mediacircustops. “But that’s a lot of promises with no action. Shouldn’t you leave it to the Kongrus Kave to make a deal on Covid relief? As the leader of the free-running dino world, you don’t really seem to care. And it’s not at all clear if you even have the authority to do any of the things you just said. Are you concerned about the legality of your executive orders?” 

“No, not at all. No. You always get sued. Everything you do, you get sued. Me, anyway. Especially me. I was sued on the immigration travel ban and we won. I was sued on a lot of things and we won. So sue me. I’ll just wait’em out like I always do. I can wait. Boy, can I wait.”

The T-Rump’s new battle campaign manager, the Billstepien sensed things going south in a hurry. He jumped in. 

“Ahem, our goal is to win every day between now and November.” 

“To be clear,” said the Lauracoates, “Your goal is winning days instead of saving lives? There is nothing in the Grandoldparty’s Covid relief package about testing, safety measures, Covid anything.”

“It’s the economy, stupid,” said the T-Rump. “I’ve added nine million jobs.”

“You lost 22 million to begin with.”

“Let’s not forget the veteran dinos I took care of in one fell swoop. That was all me. The Donkeykongrus couldn’t get it done. Nope. They tried for decades and decades and decades. And one more decade.” 

“Congratulations. That’s the 150th time you’ve told that lie. The Obamarus took care of the dino vets six years ago. You only tweaked it. A little tweak. A teeny, tiny tweak.”

The T-Rump released the flat rock lectern.

“That’s it. I’m outta here. But before I go, I just want to leave you all with some more good news. Call it a good prediction. No, a great prediction. A great, safe prediction.”

 

The fix is in, can’t be beat

It’s like I said in every tweet

And the tweets are loud, to divide

I cannot lie, what have I to hide?

‘Cause the fix is in

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

Bought up all the action, there’s nothing you can do

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

The fix is in, the fix is in, the fix is in

Oh, it’s in the bag, the fix is in

 

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

Bought up all the action, there’s nothing you can do

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

The fix is in, the fix is in, the fix is in

Churning, earning, burning

I can’t be beat, the fix is in

 

Kanye con job, with Putin my guide

I’ll sabotage, blame the other side

I can move the date to one I choose

Make your ballot late, so I cannot lose

When the fix is in

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

Bought up all the action, there’s nothing you can do

Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

I’m a-gonna steal it

The fix is in, the fix is in, the fix is in

Churning, earning, burning

I can’t be beat, the fix is in

Never catch a liar

The fix is in

Barr is my umpire

The fix is in

I’m a gonna steal it

Yeah, I can’t be beat

The fix is in

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1292 & 1296

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-8ej4a-e62d97

This week’s double feature of T-Rump Traxx: Day 1292 — “Loathsome Loser” … The Stevencalabresi sees the light … and Day 1296 — “Like Things Go Away” … More T-Rump throw-away lines. He has a million of’em. Big dino tail wags to the Little River Band and Fleetwood Mac.

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Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Like Things Go Away …

“The science is on our side. Always has been. Always will be. Face it, science just doesn’t like the Donkeykongrus.”

There came a collective roll of the eyes from the gathered Mediacircustops at the Kayleighmcenany’s 1,000th bald-faced lie. It was the latest impromptu meeting of the Coronavirus Patty-Cake Party, a briefing that was part virus update, part mumbo-jumbo and all partisan politics.

The Betsydevos stood in the background, holding her breath to change her skin color, allowing the consternating chameleon to go camo against the cave wall.

“But Kayleigh,” said a Mediacircustops in front. “The math says there are 160,000 dead dinos. Are you sure the science is with you?”

“It sounds like you’ve been listening to the Anthonyfauci again. Look, the good dino doc means well, but who are you going to listen to, him or our esteemed leader, the Tyrumposaurus? And don’t let all those deaths fool you. Like the T-Rump said in his incredible quote, if I remember correctly, I want to get it right. It is what it is. Think about that. I’ll wait so you can just let that sink in. I’ll bet the Obamarus never said anything like that.”

“Most dinos wouldn’t. I have more numbers for you, Kayleigh. 338,000 dino youngsters are plodding around with the virus and there are still 21 hot zones in Dino Nation. Do you still think it’s a good idea to open the schools?”

“That’s a lot of numbers you’re throwing at me. It’s a good thing we have the education lizard …”

“Wizard.”

“Oh, right. Heh-heh. Sorry, Betsy. The Betsydevos, everyone. If any dino knows the difference between science and math, it would be Let’s See Betsy. Step right up, Betsy.”

The education dino timidly stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Look, I’m really not supposed to be here. The T-Rump thinks that if you see me you’ll start asking questions about my brother the Erikprince … and if it’s his Blackwater dinos who are rampaging through Sportland and Chicagoland. Oops. Did I say that? The kiddos need to be in school. Really. Bye-bye.”

With that, she scurried away, disappearing into the bushes. A Mediacircustops waved a short arm at the Kayleighmcenany.

“Kayleigh, it appears the science and the math just left the meeting. How can dino mothers feel safe about sending their dino tots off to school?”

“Excuse me, Kayleigh, I’ll take this one.” 

It was the make’m queasy Steveyscalise.

“Listen, this has the makings of a generational catastrophe!”

“You mean they’re all going to die? Good lord.”

“No. No. Don’t you see? They’re going to die inside. After their home, school is the most important place for dino kids to be. Fifty million of them. And let’s be serious. Can we? Children only make up seven percent of the Coronavirus cases. And deaths? A measly one percent. C’mon, dinos. One percent.”

“One percent?! One percent of what? I’d better be getting a cut of this.”

It was the T-Rump. The Mediacircustops brightened and cringed at the same time. Such was the whiplash effect of a T-Rump quote of the day.

“Did I tell you that the Joebiden is against religion? He’s trying to hurt God. And me. Why does nobody like me? How’s that possible?”

“Uh, T-Rump,” asked another Mediacircustops. “We were, um … talking about your thrust to reopen dino schools. When all the indicators suggest otherwise, what makes you think it’s safe?”

“Safe? Well, I mean, if you look at the numbers, the numbers of, in terms of mortality, fatality, the numbers for children under a certain age, meaning young. Look, I sometimes sing to help me focus better on what the numbers are saying. Do you mind?

 

Open schools

It is the right thing to do

Don’t ask why … let’s not make this too real

If I could

Maybe I would be concerned

How can I

When I get nothing in return

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

It’s no lie

Every statistic found

Backing up

Packing them in, the right thing to do

Cuz I heard

Not much impact on their world

Open up

Children are almost immune

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

 

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

 

This thing will go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Loathsome Loser …

The Kushneratops had on his haughtily-elite-yet-blithely-cheap expression of ‘I know you are but what am I?”

The only problem was that he was staring into the beady, bloodshot eyes of senior dino judge, the always right honorable Josephputzpath, a.k.a. Death Row Joe. In the Vague-Hague no less, the international crimes court where dinos were tried when their acts of death and destruction were particularly nasty.

“Tell me how it is again, Kushner, that you devised a national plan for fighting the Coronavirus but it suddenly went ‘POOF!’ into thin air because you realized that the immediate sickness and death count would be suffered in regions predominantly inhabited by Donkeykongrus dinos.”

“Your honor, I just want to point out the great success I enjoyed by not even issuing the plan.”

“You call 155,000 dead dinos a success?”

“The expendable spoils, I’m afraid,” he said, coughing into his hand. “That number could have easily been 155 million.”

“And what particular model are you basing that assumption upon?”

“Call it serendipity. An old buddy from high school I bumped into the other day. He pulled it out of thin air. Oh, and he’s not even a math dino. Surprising, isn’t it?”

“Not in the slightest. I will render my verdict and sentence now before I lose my lunch, my temper and my sanity.”

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.”

“Oh? The judge glared down at the Kushneratops. “And why is that?”

“Because the T-Rump is going to arrive any minute now to tell you we are — wait for it — stonewalling the proceedings and you will just have to retire to your quarters where your mental anguish can chafe at the piddling heart strings to your soul.”

The judge paused. He looked around. No T-Rump. Seconds passed. Still no T-Rump. A bead of sweat rolled down the normally unwrinkled forehead of the Kushneratops.

“Um … Could I take back the thin heart strings comment? Or the chafing? Especially the chafing.”

“Oh, you can take back the chafing because that’s what you’ll be doing between a rock and a hard place.”

“No, no! Not the rock and a hard place. My nails!”

“Kushneratops, on the charge of politico-ethno dino genocide numbering in the thousands, I find you guilty as charged. You are sentenced to 666 lifetimes in the Solitary Sinkhole. That number and address has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And before you ask, there will be absolutely no conjugal visits.”

“No conjugal visits? Dear God of Fraud.“

“Don’t worry. I will be sure and tell you the minute your wife finds somebody else.”

The Kushneratops was wide-eyed. How could this be happening? His life imploded spontaneously. He looked skyward and screamed.

T-y-v-a-n-k-a-a-a-a-a!

He awoke in a sweat. His wife leaned over him.

“Jared, you were having a bad dream. It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

“What time is it?”

“Well, it’s dark. And dank. Very dank. I’d say two in the morning.”

The Kushneratops shivered.

“It – it was terrible. Hold me, Tyvanka. Just hold me. Make it all go away.”

As they hugged, he noticed a dino standing at the end of their nest. 

“Stevencalabresi? What are you doing here? It’s two o’clock! Am I still dreaming?”

The Stevencalabresi was a respected Grandoldparty dino in charge of a hard-right, conundrum cave home to the Federal Fuddy-Duddies.

“No, sweetheart. Steven just arrived. He said he had some important news that couldn’t wait. I was just going to wake you but your bad dream took care of that. Call it serendipity.”

“There’s no such thing as serendipity.”

“What?”

“Never mind. What is it, Steven? Having second thoughts about the Muellersavus Report?”

“No, I was fine with the Williambarr white wash.”

“Then it must be the Putinodon paying bounties to Taliban dinos to kill our own dino fighters.”

“No. I’m okay with that. I can grin and bear it.”

“I know, I know what it is. You’re upset with the T-Rump and me because we did nothing about the Coronavirus and you just found out I even killed a Dino Nation plan that would’ve saved the lives of millions. There I said it. Don’t quote me or I’ll have the Williambarr on you like a dung beetle on, uh …”

“Dung, dear.”

“Right. Dung.”

“Uh, no. Your virus plan that went poof? That wasn’t it.”

“Then what?”

Just then the T-Rump arrived.

The Tyvankanatrix sprang from her nest.

“Daddy! Let me guess. You came to get some good cheer from Jared and me?”

“How’d you guess? Nobody likes me.”

The T-Rump looked at the Stevencalabresi.

“What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you know it’s two o’clock in the morning? Can’t you feel the dankness?”

“Actually, I had something to say that involves you.”

“O-o-o-o-h,” said Tyvanka. “Serendipity. I mean, a development of events in a happy way.”

“Wait a minute, Steven,” said the T-Rump. “Whatever you’re talking about, it doesn’t involve me. Whoever you’re talking about, they’re good people, but I don’t know them. Or I knew them a long time ago but we had a falling out because they said something very bad about me and you know I only do good things. Great things. It’s all their fault, whoever they are.”

“No, T-Rump. This only involves you. And this is something I’m extremely passionate about. So passionate, I’m going to sing.”

“Well, as long as it’s about me. Go right ahead.”

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Dismantling our faith, his power runaway

Haunting our dreams and taking our rights away

He’s overstepping, though there’s no line left

Time to rise as one, or we’ll have to pay the cost

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

“Stable genius,” he smiles and says

Though the Coronavirus shows he’s crazy

No one knows what goes on in his head

But if you know dictators, he wants it all

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Now tell me, have you heard about the loathsome loser?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1285 & 1289

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ncuig-e54c35

This week’s double dose of T-Rump features: Day 1285 — “Ride, Biden, Ride” … The T-Rump appears to be losing his foothold on Dino Nation … and Day 1289 — “Demon Semen” … There’s a new dino doc in town — the Immanuelquack. Big dino tail wags to Blues Image and Uriah Heep!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Demon Semen …

“This better be good,” said the Tyrumposaurus, settling into his squat. “It’s cutting into my valuable executive time.” 

The Markmeadows gritted his teeth. 

“It’s all we have at this point to try and distract from the Covid virus killing 150,000 dinos. That’s a grim, telling number. For some reason, it’s sticking in everyone’s craw.”

The church cave filled up quickly for the dino priestess-doc combo, the Immanuelquack, who appeared from the wings and approached the flat rock altar. The T-Rump nudged his dino chief of staff and sneered.

“You said she packed some real fire power. Melania’s headache is going on two years now, if you know what I mean.”

“No, no. Fire Power is the name of her ministry.”

“Jesus balls! I swear, I’m getting more misinformation than I’m dishing out.”

The Markmeadows motioned with his eyes that the Immanuelquack was ready to speak.

“Greetings my dino brothers and sisters and the awfully almighty Tyrumposaurus who has graced us with his perfectly pristine presence.”

The T-Rump turned to Meadows. 

“Great message. Just great.”

“We are gathered here today in the name of the Holy Trifecta to Be Sure an’ Fix Ya: Hydroxychloroquine, zinc and Zithromax. Hallelujah. The lofty lotions and potions that remain our three keys to pharmacy harmony.”

“Amen,” came a baritone in the third row.

The T-Rump nudged Meadows.

“She’s got such an important voice.”

“But you know nothing about her.”

“I know. It’s a miracle!”

The Immanuelquack’s tail flicked, her tongue licked the air and her eyes narrowed into the fire-and-brimstone a.k.a. Fire Power stare her congregation lined up around the cave for.

“Has anybody had a miscarriage?”

Silence from the audience. A walnut-brain in the back woke up and spoke.

“You mean … like a miscarriage of justice?”

“No! A real miscarriage. I’m talking gynecological problems, dinos! … Remember those evil spirits, everyone? Incubus! Uh-uh. That’s right. Succubus! Can’t forget her. They’re the ones that used to throw your lives under the Priebusunderbus. Only now they’re on our side. I mean, in case this Holy Trifecta to Be Sure an’ Fix Ya thing don’t work out. The new faith needs options. For when the fire power is sputtering.”

The Markmeadows brow furrowed.

“Uh, T-Rump. Are you sure you want to sign up for this?”

“Are you kidding me? Can’t you feel the chaos? She’s a tremendous success!”

She continued from the flat rock altar.

“Glory, praise be the all-powerful, the all-mighty spirits — though sometimes nasty they may be — swooping down into our bodies when we least expect it. Because maybe, just maybe, this is some o’ that good trouble.”

That must’ve been their cue, because the Uriahheep dinos in the choir — sub-family of the Southerngospel species — began to sing. 

 

This is a cure you’ve never known before

It’s called demon semen

From God’s battle axe and weapon of war

There’s no more dreamin’

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Incubus will come for astral love

 

It’s Fire Power and T-Rump who make her important

She warns tormenting spirits will make you impotent

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Succubus will come for astral love

 

Gasping, choking

Must be alien DNA

Needing, pleading

Praying for spirits all day

And some demon semen!

 

Somewhere inside some Houston clinic she will bear witness

That doctors are working on a vaccine so you won’t get religious 

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Incubus will come for astral love

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Succubus will come for astral love

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Ride, Biden, Ride …

The Tyrumposaurus entered the Oval Dwelling with a skip in his step. 

“Hey, 100 days til the big November Battle Royale. Can you stand it?  I can hardly wait to thrash that Sleepy Joebiden. He’ll never know what hit him. Because he’s asleep. Get it? Hold on. Uh, per-fume, wom-bat, man-fred, cam-ping, tee-thing. Hah! I still got it.”

The faces in the cave looked at him as a doctor might a patient who has an incurable disease but doesn’t know it yet. The Kayleighmcenany was the last-hired-first-required to tell the T-Rump the bad news. She cleared her throat as sweetly as possible.

“T-Rump, I don’t want you to panic now. We’re still working on how to spin this, but you appear to be trailing in popularity in several key battleground regions. In Michigonia you’re down 9 percent …”

“No problem. That’s only one poll.”

“I did say several, sir. In Pennsylvanus, we’re losing by 11 percent …”

“And what did I say about using the ‘L’ word around here?”

“In Mini-Soda-Can … you know, that region out west, then north.”

“Hang a right?”

“That’s right, sir. We’re down by 13.”

“Fake polls! These are all fake polls!”

“Sorry, T-Rump,” the Stephenmillerus jumped in. “They are Foxsquawkbox numbers. They’re rooting for us, sir.”

“Evidently not hard enough. We’re running on law and order now. Law and order! How are our little green dinos doing in Sportland and Chicagoland?”

“Not good, T-Rump. They’re dealing with several lines of defense from the locals.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, there are the Yellowmoms, the Papabellies, the Purplehearts and the Radiocityrocketz.”

“I hate the Radiocityrocketz,” the T-Rump growled. “Terrorists! They’re all terrorists!”

“The Radiocityrocketz?” said the Kayleighmcenany. “They’re dancing dinos, sir.”

The T-Rump waved her off.

“My big Grandoldparty Pow-wow. Have you found a place for it yet?”

“We had a line on the Bottomless Pit but, short answer … fraid not, T-Rump,” said the Stephenmillerus. “That Covid thing is still ravaging Dino Nation. Apparently those, ahem … embers became raging infernos. Spectacular, burning out of control, racing through the …”

“Okay, enough! I get the picture.”

“On the bright side, we are seeing more migrant dinos being evicted from their caves.”

“Dinos being evicted from caves. I love it. The Obamarus never did that, did he?”

“But …”

“But what?”

“But we’re also seeing our own less fortunate — but still supreme, white-striped dinos — looking for new homes. That’s not helping our cause, sir.”

“Wait a minute. You mean the virus is actually affecting our own dinos?”

“Well, yeah,” said the two dinos together.

“Hmm. I’ll have to give that some thought. … Done.”

There came a noise from outside the Oval Dwelling. The unmistakable sound of parading dinos in lock step.

“Anarchists!” came the T-Rump’s knee-jerk response.

The Stephenmillerus took a peek outside.

“Damn peaceful protesters. They’re a pox on us. They’re singing too. Gawd, I hate watching happy dinos.”

A pair of butterflies fluttered past his nose, flapping their wings in his face. Big wings. Loud wings. A song trailing behind them.

 

Fifty-two senators up in their sycophantic way

Lies rolled off their lips as shallow minds had their say

“We’re callin’ every sin a lefty wrong — it’s another war 

They will throw your lives away so give us four more”

But no one heard them bawlin’, the nerve, all the gall

‘Cause we know a fear monger, we saw through it all

With Covid fears a-blowin’ a nation to its knee

Fifty-two senators slunk off in misery

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

To a date in a court that the T-Rump can’t skip

 

Fifty-two senators up in their sycophantic way

Shot off their lips as shallow minds had their say

“We’re callin’ every sin a lefty wrong — it’s another war

They will throw your lives away so give us four more”

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

To a date in a court that the T-Rump can’t skip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Free Bird …

“But your honor, you simply have to keep the Michaelcohen in the Solitary Sinkhole. It is absolutely necessary. Paramount, I say.”

The dino judge, the Alvinhellerstein, looked down his long snout at the dino probation officer before him, the Adampakula. 

“And why is that?”

“Because he will say bad things about the T-Rump. Bad, nasty, horrible things.”

“Isn’t that just a typical tweet on a typical day for the typical T-Rump?”

“I fail to see your point, your honor. The T-Rump can say and do whatever he wants.”

“Oh no, you don’t. Don’t you dare bring that clap-trap, revisionist history into my court cave. We just had a Supreme Dino Court ruling that decided the obvious one more time — the T-Rump is not above the law.”

“Damn, I thought you’d forget. … So, um … what do I have to say to keep Mister I Paid Stormy For Nothin’ in the Solitary Sinkhole?”

“You may want to rephrase that, counsel.”

“Sure. You will keep him locked up, with minimal provisions and make him feel as miserable as possible if I can come up with one good reason?”

“Pretty much.”

“Alrighty then. Just one? Easy peasy. Did you know about his, uh … father-in-law?”

“Irrelevant.”

“Okay … the Michaelcohen said he’s actually going to tell everything about the T-Rump’s personality and proclivities, his private and professional affairs, and his personal and business ethics. That’s got to be like, raping and pillaging the T-Rump’s privacy, your honor. At the very least.”

“Sorry, no can do.”

“Okay, okay. You forced my hand. I have to go for the jugular now. I didn’t want to go there but you’ve left me no choice. This is terrible, disgusting and not for the faint of heart.”

“I’m waiting.”

“The Michaelcohen … he was supposed to stay home, but he went for … a picnic.”

“A picnic?

“That’s right, sir. A picnic. I know. Terrible, isn’t it?”

“This has been one terrible picnic alright. Your very presence before me has screamed retaliation the moment you arrived. In all my 21 years of serving on the Dino Court, I’ve never seen such blatant buffoonery on display. This has been a colossal waste of time. You are a bozo, a clown and a boob. I should make you pay restitution to the hard-working dinos who pay your salary. Now get out of my court cave before I disbar your buttinski butt!”

The Adampakula slunk away with his tail between his legs. The judge turned to the Michaelcohen.

“You are hereby confined to your cave for the rest of your sentence. If Pakula or any other palooka bothers you, I need to hear about it. You can get back now to that tale you have the right to tell.”

 

If you hear me tomorrow

You’ll know free speech is still free 

For all T-Rump’s hangers on, now

‘Cause there’s so many faces you need to see

They’d love to throw my key away

But the judge wouldn’t play their game

‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now

And my words they cannot change

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And my words he cannot change

And I’ll discuss anything

Lord knows, he’s deranged

Why, why, shady pardon from above

Defend him and he’ll arrange

Flynn, Stone and Sheriff Joe gladly

All lied away their shame

But this is bigger than my world

We need our framers’ frame

‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now

And my words they’ll never change

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And my words he cannot change

And I’ll discuss anything

Lord knows, he’s deranged

Lord help us, he can’t change

Lord, he can’t change

I’m your fly guy, free bird, yeah

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!