https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-qqf77-b3e424
This week’s double-feature includes: Day 865–The Dread Sullivan Show … The Emmettsullivan dino judge attacks the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) prosecutor in the Flynnhasbeen case. Also, in Day 869–The Truth Hurts … The Jillfilipovic, a Mediacircustops who calls them as she sees them, takes down the Kushneratops.
“Profoundly clueless?! She called my profoundly clueless! How dare she!”
The Kushneratops’ face cork-screwed into a cruel scowl as he and the Tyvankanatrix stared down at the footprints in the sand, the latest report from the Mediacircustops, the Jillfilipovic.
“Relax, dear. It’s just more fake news,” said Tyvanka.
“I wish it was. Except that … I resemble that remark.”
“No, not you, sweetheart. Perhaps she’s referring to father. She did say the next battle campaign could restore competence, stature and sanity to the Oval Dwelling.”
“Don’t patronize me. You know how I hate being patronized. Look, right here,” he said, pointing at a telling footprint. “… this under-qualified senior advisor. Hah! Name me one dino — just one — who hasn’t had a mediocre academic career, a massive condo cave failure and purchased a Mediacircustops footprints in the sand venture as a vanity project and watched it disappear in the quicksand.”
“Your logic is s-o-o-o very sound, dear. I love it when your little attitude voice speaks up. You don’t look like a little dino anymore.”
He gave her a hurt, wounded look.
“Oh, no. I’m sorry, dear. I called you little in back-to-back sentences, didn’t I? Fear not. You did marry a Tyrumposaurus and daddy likes you.”
“That’s what the Jillfilipovic said.”
“Oh.”
He gulped anew. She looked at him with genuine caring.
“Get it out, Kush-Kush. Get it all out.”
“She called me rich dolt! A rich dolt for crying out loud!”
“Try and remember what father said.”
“What you see and hear isn’t really happening?”
“No. Any publicity is good publicity. At least they’re talking about you.”
“Yes, but … she didn’t call you a rich dolt that’s profoundly clueless. I don’t know if I can take this.” He dabbed at his right eye. “I think … I think I’m going to cry.”
“Cheer up, sweetheart. Look, right here. She says you occupy one of the most powerful positions on earth.”
“Even though I’m ignorant, middling and amoral,” he finished reading the footprint and sniffed back tears.
The Tyvankanatrix frowned.
“Jared. Stop reading. Just stop. You can’t do this to yourself.”
“But I want to be like your father, to be able to lie at will, double down, and come up with an ingratiating nicknames like Nervous Nancy. Pure genius.”
“But that’s not who you are, my little Kush-Kush. I mean tall, skinny … I mean. Never mind. My father has no soul. And you’re not mean like him. It’s not in your nature. You’re an endangered species, dear.”
“You’re not helping matters.”
She smiled at him.
“I’m kidding. I love it when you flash your smug, sly, self-serving smile.”
“You do?”
“Sure, it tells everyone you know more than they do, even when you don’t.”
“You think so? You really do? Don’t lie to me like your dad now.”
“Of course.”
“You don’t know how convincingly fraudulent that makes me feel. I love you, Tyvanka.”
“I love you, Kush-Kush.”
“Even when the Jillfilipovic calls me a whole lot of nothing?”
“Of course. Because you’re a whole lot of … something.”
“Like?”
She struggled for words, her eyes falling, finally finding the footprints, frantically skimming them. “Here, it says good thing.”
He sighed and read the full footprint.
“She says I manage to spin my utter incompetence as a good thing.”
“Jared, I know we don’t do this very often, but let’s look at the facts. You protected my father when she called him racist.”
“I did, didn’t I?”
“And you made a beautiful dodge when she pressured you on father’s whole campaign to say the Obamarus wasn’t born in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”
“And the dino abortion issue,” said Kushner, gaining confidence. “Don’t forget that. When they asked me if I supported dino abortion rights, I told them I’m here to enforce the T-Rump’s positions. His position is one that as a dino member in the Oval Dwelling we’ll work to push.”
“That was impressive. What does it even mean?”
“Precisely.”
They smiled and any other dino couple might have laughed. Not these two. They’d tried that once. Hers was a tittering lilt, his a nasal guffaw. When combined it grated nerves and threatened their social status. So, there was no laughter for them. Besides, laughter wasn’t part of the T-Rump credo. Only deriding sarcasm and verbal attacks. Laughter was for weak dinos, the second class, the caring, the vulnerable. Laughter was for losers.
Thankfully, those ‘losers’ do have a sense of humor because they aren’t profoundly clueless.
The dino judge, the Emmetsullivan, squatted upon his judicial bedrock. It was Monday morning. Following a nice, leisurely weekend dining on Denversaurus sandwiches in Hell Creek, it was back to work. First up on the docket was the matter of the Flynnhasbeen sentencing. The court case was over. The former dino national security adviser had plead guilty to lying to the Muellersavus.
The Friday deadline had come and gone, when the prosecutor for the DOJ — Dinos Open Jawed — was to provide information on three key elements to the Flynnhasbeen’s case before the Emmetsullivan would proceed with sentencing. The dino judge had left his court cave early Friday afternoon before close of biz due to the high demand for Denversaurus sandwiches. He peered out at the DOJ prosecutor, the Brandonvangrack and motioned for him to approach the rocky bench.
“What do you have for me?” asked the Emmetsullivan, his brow at the ready to furrow.
“We’re delivering footprints in the sand of the conversation the Dowderpuff had with the Flynnhasbeen’s legal dino. The Dowderpuff basically threatened the legal dino to spill the beans on what the Flynnhasbeen told the Muellersavus … if the Flynnhasbeen wanted to remain in the T-Rump’s good graces. I suppose one might call it obstruction of justice.”
“And?”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“You had a Friday deadline to produce three items. I see only one. Can you count?”
No response.
“Did your little dino doggy eat your homework?”
The Brandonvangrack gulped, then feigned surprise.
“O-o-o-o-h! You mean the unsmudged footprints in the sand of the Muellersavus’ report pertaining to the Flynnhasbeen.”
“And?”
“Are you talking about the public release of footprints in the sand of what the Flynnhasbeen said in conversations with the Russodino, the Sergeykislyak?”
“Right on both counts. Where, pray tell, are they?”
“Oh. Well, you see, we at the DOJ decided they were, um … irrelevant.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t believe I heard you correctly. Did you say Irrelevant?”
“Yes, your honor.”
The Emmetsullivan’s eyes narrowed.
“Do you know who I am?”
“A, uh … Milkanhoney Preservation district dino judge?”
“And I am looking at …”
“A lowly Dinos Open Jawed prosecutor looking to move up a notch on the legal dino ladder by licking the feet of the attorney dino general and T-Rump’s most significant suck-up, the Williambarr.”
“Precisely. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t ask for this information or tell you that, ahem … if you could find it in the goodness of your heart, would you so mind providing me with this. Counsel, it was an ORDER!”
The roar from the judge knocked the Brandonvangrack off his feet, sending him crashing against the cave wall, leaving a mark forever known as the Brandonvan Crack. For now, the legal dino picked himself up off the ground.
“Oh, yes. Heh-heh. Well, since you put it that way. … Perhaps now would be a good time to share the legal argument we spent 20 minutes working on but billed 20 hours for, so the Williambarr and the T-Rump wouldn’t know we spend most of the day scratching our nether regions.”
“Perhaps,” the Emmetsullivan said with a yawn.
“Here goes … The T-Rump government represents that it is not relying on any other conversations, of any dinosaur, for purposes of establishing the defendant’s guilt or determining his sentence, nor are there other conversations that are part of the sentencing record. Uh, like I said before, this is irrelevant.”
“If you say that word one more time, I will find you in contemptible, blatant stupidity.”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Now then, perhaps you missed the first day of legal dino school. It clearly states in the dino code under factors for determining sentencing in section 3553, sub-section A: the nature and circumstances of the offense and the history and characteristics of the defendant. Does that or does that not sound relevant to the Flynnhasbeen’s offense?”
“Okay, you got me. The Williambarr told me to tell you he has a problem with the interpretation of that line.”
“Oh he does, does he?”
“Yes. He said nature, circumstances, history, and characteristics are all pretty vague terms. He also said the Muellersavus never said boo about them.”
“This has nothing to do with the Muellersavus!”
The Emmetsullivan was hyperventilating but it felt good. Anything to shake up the Milkanhoney Preservation.
The dino judge’s eyeballs drilled a hole through the DOJ prosecutor.
“I know what you’re trying to do. You want to delay my court, don’t you?”
“Is it that obvious? Now I’m embarrassed. Court cases by definition drag on forever.”
“Not in my cave. I’m going to fast track this so fast you’ll be breaking bones with the Brettkavanaugh this afternoon.”
“Could, um … you just find me in contempt instead?”
“I’m warning you, counsel. Don’t mock me,” the dino judge growled.
“I’m not, your honor. That glare you just drilled into my brain … well, I must confess, I’ve seen the light. I’ve had my Michaelcohen moment. I – I miss working for the Muellersavus. I really do. I miss the respect, the integrity, the – the common sense. If you find me in contempt, I may lose my career as a legal dino but at least I can sleep at night. I’m tired of this assault on our institutions. You know, the assault the Williambarr says isn’t happening?”
The Emmetsullivan’s hard face softened.
“Well, you’re no Emmetflood — he exited stage left rather gracefully … but maybe I can help you.”
“Please.”
The dino judge locked eyes with him.
“I know you’re better than this. No former Muellersavus legal dino deserves this fate. You need to recuse yourself from this case because of a conflict of interest.”
“With the Flynnhasbeen?”
“No. With the Williambarr. His obvious politically motivated interference comes straight from the Oval Dwelling. This clash of the separation of powers is unprecedented. We are on the very cusp of a Continental Footprint Crisis!”
“Meaning?”
“Don’t you see? The DOJ is choking the system. An impeachment case against the Williambarr can only be a week or two away. Meanwhile, you go tell the attorney dino general that in addition to the two aforementioned items, I’ll be needing one more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“His resignation.”
“Can you do that?”
The dino judge shrugged.
“Why not? The Williambarr has been making up the rules as he goes along. My truth and justice ultimately lies in the real court. The court of public opinion.”
The Muellersavus took one last look at Impeachment Pond. It shimmered in the late afternoon sun, begging dinosaurs of any stripe to stop and dip their feet in its cool, cleansing waters. But were they? The ever-present Muellersavus had skirted the pond for too long, studying instead the troubled waters feeding into the pond, tributaries finally settling in a slough of mystery and wonder.
Some dinos called a dip in Impeachment Pond the cure for what ails you. A golden opportunity to put things right. But the Muellersavus knew in his heart it was not his call to make. He could only bring dinos so far. It was not his decision to make them drink. He turned to the other dinos.
“No questions.”
And with a wave of his short arm, he departed toward the sunset.
The Nancypelosi’s gaze followed him.
“Where’s he going?”
“He’s done,” said the Adamschiff. “He said all he had to say.”
“22 months,” said the Jerrynadler. “That’s a lot of footprints in the sand. And dare I say you’re looking at the only dinos who read them.”
The three veteran Donkeykongrus dinos stood on the bank, looking over Impeachment Pond and the 50 dinos having taken the plunge. 50 dinos whose eyes fixated upon the Nancypelosi and her steady, stern gaze. She was hesitant about joining them.
The Coreybooker caught her eye.
“We have a legal and moral obligation to be in here,” he said.
The Buddhajudge held his hands a foot apart.
“You’re this close to Impeachment, Nancy. Into the pond, out of the swamp.”
“I – I want to thank you for not pushing me.”
“C’mon, girl,” the Kamalaharris urged her on. “Just another step. You can do it.”
“I take back what I just said.”
“Just so we’re clear, everyone,” the Elizabethwarren shouted. “I was here first!”
“No you weren’t,” said the Rashidatlaib. “We’ve been in here for two months. Haven’t we, guys?”
She and the Alexandriaocasiocortez, the Ilhanomar, the Ayannapresley, the Filemonvela and the Jaredhuffman all hooted and hollered, waving to the other dinos.
“You all are just gettin’ your feet wet.”
All eyes turned to the Algreen.
“We’ve been treading water for two-and-a-half years. Ain’t that right, guys?”
His hearty group raised their short arms in triumph, punching the air. They included the Stevecohen, the Marciafudge and the Adrianoespaillat.
“Nancy.” It was the Kirstengillibrand. “The Muellersavus led us here. We have the authority to take this leap of faith when he could not. It’s what he wanted. For us.”
“She’s right,” said the Betosaurus. “I’ve been here for ten days. It just looks like I’m sinking.”
Head down, the Nancypelosi paced along the bank.
“I’m still investigating. I want to go where the facts take me.”
“And here you are,” said the Berniesanders. “We are all here thanks to the T-Rump. Let’s talk accountability. Gee, I wonder how we can thank him.”
The pond rippled with it’s occupants’ laughter.
“Heck,” said the Ericswalwell, “while we’re at it, we should, ahem … thank the attorney dino general Williambarr as well.”
The Sethmoulton splashed the water.
“I second that emotion.”
“Nancy.” It was the Veronicaescobar. “I know that if you were in here with the rest of us, you’d see that we cannot tolerate this level of obstruction. Ow! Speak of the devil, I just stubbed my toe on another one.”
“I hear you,” said the Joeneguse. “There’s a pattern of obstruction here.”
“Feels like a stonewall to me,” said the Dianadegette.
“Julian,” Nancy asked the Juliancastro. “Why are you in there?”
“It’s perfectly reasonable.”
“Hmm,” she replied. “I’d still like to speak with the Donmcgahn.”
“That’s why I’m in here!” said the Davidcicilline.
“Me too!” said the Markpocan.
The Johnyarmuth eyed the Nancypelosi with a smirk.
“Face it. Your joining us is going to be inevitable.”
“That logic is pretty overwhelming at this point,” echoed the Jamieraskin.
“It’s a hard fact,” said the Valdemings. “You’ve run out of options.”
The Nancypelosi maintained her stiff upper lip.
“I want to do what’s right. What gets results.”
“Jump in the lake already!” came the voice of some dinosaur far off in the bushes awoken from his nap.
She ignored the intrusion and repeated herself.
“What gets results.”
“You want results?” It was the short, squat, smiling Mikequigley. “When you looked the other way. I jumped in. Hah! Beat ya! Number 51, baby!”
It was too much for the Nancypelosi. Young whipper-snappers, she muttered to herself. New progressive dinos. Well, they’d just have to wait. She was still cold to the idea. She turned on her heels and slowly ambled off after the Muellersavus.
A worried, jittery Jerrynadler and the wistful Adamschiff looked after her.
“Don’t worry, Jerry. She’ll come around.” The Adamschiff cast an eye toward Impeachment Pond. “C’mon, let’s test those waters. Last one in is a T-Rump Dump!”
The Stephenmillerus peered out at the overflowing dino crowd and frowned. He had a bad feeling about this. The Tyrumposaurus had wanted to do yet another vanity roadshow to augment his base with any middle-of-the-rock and left-leaning dinos.
But here at the biggest Feminist Movement in the Milkanhoney Preservation? The air was thick with estrogen. Thanks to two huge female groups, each 5000 strong. There was the cramped, angst-ridden Give Men Pause with Menopause. And of course, in light of recent events, there was Get Crackin’!, a pro-abortion group vowing to drop their eggs at any time during the three-to-six month gestation period.
Now there’s a win-win situation, thought the Stephenmillerus. If illegally migrated Latinonachos did manage to hatch any eggs, we’ll be right there to snatch their dino tots away from them.
The T-Rump sauntered onto the stage. Two dinos clapped, then stopped when they realized this wasn’t the warm-up act. A dino in the front row rose from her squat.
“What are you even doing here?”
“Wow. Tough crowd. I promise you it’ll get better. Greetings, ladies. Don’t worry, I’ll behave. I don’t want you all to get upset like that Megynkelly, bleeding from her eyes, bleeding from wherever.”
Shock and awe from the audience. Boos and angry hisses filled the air.
Behind the T-Rump, off to the side, the Kellyanneconvixway squatted, resolute, almost regal, like a prom queen waiting for some dino to ask her to dance.
“Sexist!” came a loud cry from the crowd, wiping Kellyanne’s smile from her face.
“I can’t believe this!”
She rose from her squat and strode to the T-Rump’s side.
“Listen to yourselves! Just listen. How dare you boo the leader of the Dino Nation. Where were you when the Timkaine interrupted a female debate moderator? That’s right. Interrupted. Now that was sexist.”
The apples and oranges gender-switch threw the women in the audience off-guard. The Kellyanneconvixway took this as instant victory. She motioned for the T-Rump to continue as she returned to her squat.
“Thank you, Kellyanne.” He gave the audience a smug grin. “Now then, where were we? Oh, yes. Whenever it hits, menopause or abortion, you know you love me. All the women love me. Well, maybe not the Rosieodonnell … or the Carlyfiorina. But I mean, c’mon … Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?”
Fresh, loud boos and yells from the crowd. Jaws snapped. Nostrils flared. Several dinos were foaming at the mouth. Some respectfully headed for the exits before they did something they’d regret. Menopause does affect each dino differently. Kellyanne scampered back beside her boss.
“Hey! Where are you going? Have you no respect? You can’t just leave. That – that … whatever you just heard, that wasn’t sexist. Remember the Maziehirono verbally attacking the Brettkavanaugh–”
Boos drowned her out at the mention of the new conservative Supreme Dino Court judge. It was an ominous warning that female dinos may be forced to hatch any and all of their eggs. The Kellyanneconvixway gave the women her tired, put-upon look guaranteed to draw a response of silent, wide-eyed incredulity.
“Ladies,” she said in her favourite condescending tone. “The Brettkavanaugh did not physically attack the Christineblaseyford. Traumatic experience. Great memory. Wrong face. So, while you’re sitting there, hatching any of your dozen eggs, just remember it was the Maziehirono who was sexist. Maziehirono. Sexist.”
She glared at them for good measure, then gripped the arm of the T-Rump, signalling he was good to go.
“You ladies are sure ramped up tonight. I see that look in your eyes. That heat of the moment anger that says you smell blood. My blood. Say, I could make some moolah-moolah off this. Two moolah-moolah leaves to smell my blood. Reminds me of the last time I saw the Mikabrezinski. She was bleeding badly from a face lift. Craned her neck too high. Very sad.”
The crowd erupted with howls and screams. The ladies were livid. Several rushed the stage but their short legs were unable to scale the rocks to reach the T-Rump. The Kellyanneconvixway was having none of it.
“Oh, come on. You think that’s sexist? What about … That’s right. It’s What About Time. Already. What about the Coreybooker? Don’t look at me like that, 10,000 female dinos. You do remember. All of you. The Coreybooker had the gall, the unmitigated audacity to announce he was running for leader of the Dino Nation when there were already women in the primary field. How about that, ladies? Can you believe it? Can you? Out and out sexism!”
https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-dum4g-b26522
This week’s double-feature … Day 851–One for the Exodus … Justin-the-Amash breaks ranks with the Grandoldparty dinos! … and … Day 855–The Intervention … Yes, it’s THAT time. Time to step in to try and save the Tyrumposaurus.
“He’s coming!” hissed the Linseygraham. “Quick! Everyone, hide! And wait for my signal.”
A dozen dinos scurried for cover in the Oval Dwelling behind large rocks and piles of discarded Cheezbuggabuggas and soggy Dietcoker leaves.
The Tyrumposaurus sauntered into the cave humming some raunchy Pornodactyl dance number. He stopped in his tracks.
“Linsey? What are you doing here?”
“T-Rump. It’s time.”
“Time for what?”
The Linseygraham gulped. How did you tell the most powerful dinosaur in the world that he needed an intervention? Like two Skunkasaurae making love. Very carefully.
“Uh, time I paid you a visit to point out … not only that you’re very calm and an extremely stable genius … but that what the Donkeykongrus are doing to you … well, they’re just trying to destroy you and your family.”
“They are, aren’t they? Well, me anyway.”
“And I’m concerned about the terrible toll it’s taking on you and the, uh … affect …”
“Nothing affects me.”
“Okay then. The, uh … ominous outgrowth of …”
“Linsey, my bone spurs are just a ruse.”
“But the Nancypelosi isn’t.”
The T-Rump’s double-blink and triple-flinch wasn’t lost on the Linseygraham. He had work to do. Lots of it. There were too many fine careers of good ol’ Grandoldparty dinos riding on this.
“I hate that woman,” growled the T-Rump.
“Send in the clowns,” Linsey remarked. “Foreign clowns.” Foreign was such a tough cue to work in on the fly. “I said foreign.”
The Larrykudlow finally ventured out from behind a rock.
“Larry?” said the T-Rump. “You’ve been here the whole time?”
“Just wrestling with another Tarrifraptor. You’ve given me so many. Yet you remain so very calm because you are the extremely stable genius here, there, everywhere. If I may digress from your loftiness …”
This was going to be a long intervention, thought the Linseygraham. His frantic eyes told the Larrykudlow to move it along.
“Foreign, yes. Your foreign trips, T-Rump.”
“Japa-yama-haha and Europa?”
“You remembered. Nicely done. But I’m sorry, you see, we — that is, Linsey and I — we need you to stay right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation, to tend to the home fires of course.”
“But we don’t make fires.”
“We don’t know how to do a lot of things but we’ll learn. From you, our extremely stable genius.”
“It is to legislate,” came the crisp cry from the Linseygraham.
“Not now,” said the T-Rump. “Can’t you see I’m on executive time?”
The Mercedeschlapp appeared.
“Impeccable timing, Mercedes,” said the T-Rump with a sly smile.
“Oh, T-Rump, it’s so good to see how very calm you are and I’m sure you’re still the extremely stable genius you’ve always been because, well … you of all dinos should know there are dinos on the other side of the path that can indeed legislate and investigate at the very same time. I mean, we can’t stop everything.”
“Oh, yes we can. Do. Nothing.”
“You’re doing my job for me,” said the Linseygraham. No dino appeared. The Linseygraham raised his voice. “What he said.”
Out popped the Huckabeecyclops.
“Oh, T-Rump, you beat-back-the-ladies dino. You’re so calm even when I know you want to reach out and smack me. You’re the extremely stable genius I can’t take my one eye off of. It’s a big, big, bigly eye looking out for you.”
“Huckabee!” snapped the Linseygraham.
The T-Rump nodded to her.
“Huckabee, tell everyone here that the Donkeykongrus cannot walk and chew gum at the same time.”
“Oh, but they can. But that’s not the real reason I’m here.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
She gave him a sorrowful, tug-on-the-heart-strings, pitiful look of despair.
“I lied.”
“So? That’s what I’m paying you for.”
She looked at the Linseygraham and then back to her boss.
“I – I need to make you believe. The Donkeykongrus are not the Do Nothing Party. We are. The Donkeykongrus are getting everything done while we just … squat here.”
A scowl spread across the T-Rump’s lips.
“It’s enough to make you say the ‘I’ word,” said the Linseygraham.
“Aha!” said the T-Rump. This is an intervention, isn’t it?”
“No, this is a campaign rally stop. With only your closest sycophants.”
“Oh. Okay.”
The Kellyanneconvixway appeared.
“Oh, esteemed calm leader of most extreme stable geniusness. That’s my alternative fact of the day. I made it up just for you because you and I both know it drives my husband crazy.”
“How sweet.”
“You want it, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t?”
“The ‘I’ word, that is.”
“Intercourse?”
“Impeachment, you dirty old dino. And please tell me you don’t want to be impeached because I want to lead you in your next campaign. Please, please, please.”
“That next campaign could mean war,” said the Linseygraham.
The Mikepompeo and Johnbolton promptly rolled on the ground across the cave in a dino brawl with short arms grappling and tails flapping, churning up clouds of dust.
“Very calm!” the Mikepompeo yelled between blows.
“Extremely stable genius!” hollered the Johnbolton.
Out the doorway the two dinos rolled without another intervening word.
“Ha,” said the Linseygraham, “Look on the bright side. No investigation there.”
The Seanhannity bounced onto the scene.
“T-Rump, ol’ calm buddy, ol’ extremely stable genius pal. Good to see you. Hey, I just wanted to say that, uh … well, you know those investigations into your moolah-moolah at the Mazars and on the banks of the River Deutsche? Well, uh … those investigations, they, um … appear to be moving right along. Boom, tickety boom. Just saying. It’ll get worse, so feel free to call me.”
“But Lordy,” said the Linseygraham, “give us hope.”
“Hope?” said the T-Rump. “Oh, god, let it be the Hopehicksbagotrix.”
Blank stares from the female dinos. But it was another dino who emerged into view.
“Lewandowski?” said the mildly perturbed T-Rump.
“Good to see how calm you’ve remained since birth with your extremely stable genius still as stable as the rock that’s as dumb as the Saveyourenergyrex. I’m here … well, I’m here to let you know that I too was after Hope once, and then the Robporter was and now, well, it’s the Donkeykongrus turn. But it’s not what you think. So, don’t worry. You’ll get over it. … Okay, so I still think of her from time to time. That dazzling smile …”
“Corey!”
The Linseygraham could see it was time to play his trump card on the T-Rump.
“My, my, this has been a torture test, hasn’t it?”
All heads turned a wary eye to the next dino to arrive on the scene.
The Hogangidley.
“You’re calmer than an upside down pig in mud’n manure and you’re so extreme, so stable, so genius that I feel like a dog-eared country bumpkin squattin’ here in front of you. With that in mind, T-Rump, I want you to know that I’ve always been one to take one for the team.”
“Great, Hogan. That’s just great.”
“T-Rump,” interrupted the Linseygraham. “Now, I’ll admit I called in Hogan because you’ve been, uh … just a wee bit, shall we say … stressed … lately? Hogan will help you release that pent up frustration. Won’t you, Hogan?”
“I sure will. Cuz I’m your whippin’ dino, boss.”
“Oh, I would never whip you, Hogan. Not in a million years.”
We’ll see about that, thought the Linseygraham.
“Okay,” said the Hogangidley. “Here goes. You engaged in a cover up, threw a temper tantrum and hoo-boy, I pray for you.”
He then mercifully closed his eyes as the T-Rump’s eyes went bright red and proverbial smoke erupted from his ears. Tail lash after tail lash rained down on the poor, defenseless Hogangidley.
“Ouch! Thank you, thank you … Ow! That’s better … Ouch! Thank you, thank you …”
While the other dinos turned away from the dino debacle, the Linseygraham could only frown. A T-Rump intervention. Worst idea ever. He sighed, wondering to himself. Why won’t some dino — any dino — schedule an intervention for me?
The Amybermanjackson scowled down her snout at her prey. She’d just sentenced the Manaforta to an additional 43 months in the Solitary Sinkhole. Her nostril-flaring focus however, was on the Tyrumposaurus’ ex-battle campaign manager’s legal dino, the Kevindowning.
“Kevin.”
The judge motioned with her tail for him to step toward her rocky bench to be within tail and tongue-lashing distance. The Kevindowning straightened his shoulders and half-staggered, half-trudged before her. Her long tongue slithered out, touched her nose and quickly recoiled into her gaping mouth. This was dino legalese for showing who was boss. Her tone was gravel-raking serious.
“I want you to pay the utmost strict attention to what I’m about to say.”
The Kevindowning’s stare however, had already settled upon a nearby hummingbird lightly dancing, fairly flitting a few feet away, sucking in nectar, knocking back …
“Kevin! Look at me!”
Streams of saliva dripped from her juice-laden jowls.
“I’m only going to say this once. Your client, the Manaforta, was never, ever tried in my dino court for colluding with the Russodinos. No legal dino here referred to collusion, it was not discussed. Not. One. Peep. I’m telling you right now that you are NOT … look at me, Kevin … you are NOT going to stand on the ledge outside my dino court cave and have the audacity to tell the Mediacircustops otherwise. Do I make myself perfectly cave-your-head-in clear?”
“Well …”
“Kevin?”
“I’ll think about it.”
The Amybermanjackson’s fiery glare fairly seared into the eyes of the Kevindowning, searching for a soul she could sink her razor-sharp incisors into. After a few seconds she realized it was a wild goose chase.
Not three minutes later, on the ledge outside her dino court cave, the Kevindowning stood before a scrum of Mediacircustops, all chomping, molars grinding away, ready to digest his words. The Kevindowning stuck out his chest with confidence.
“I just want you all to know, the Amybermanjackson begged me to come out here to tell you that after — forget about the seven-year sentence — she has completely exonerated the Manaforta from all charges of collusion with the Russodinos.”
“She did not!”
It was a voice in the crowd. A voice of reason that, however anonymous, rang true, a voice of welcomed wisdom, heaven-sent to still the masses regarding the madness of all things Manaforta. Especially those he’d managed with the T-Rump — a mingling of two manic minds. Because pardons were the lowest dingleberries dangling from a branch that even a 70-year old Manaforta could reach.
“She never said that, Downing! You’re lying through your teeth! You call yourself a legal dino?! You’re an embarrassment to the rule of law!”
The anonymous voice of reason effectively drowned out the Manaforta’s lawyer. The next voice came from a Mediacircustops.
“Newsflash. The Manhatinhand dino court has just indicted your client on 16 counts. What do you have to say now that a T-Rump pardon for the Manaforta won’t keep him out of the Solitary Sinkhole?”
“Look,” said the Kevindowning. “I have it on very good authority that the, uh … Attorney General dino for the Southern District of Manhatinhand, is that still the Letitiajames?”
Confused nods from several Mediacircustops spurred him on.
“She told me the deepest darkest political secret which I’m now sharing with you …”
The Mediacircustops all leaned in close.
“She said there was NO collusion. That’s right, no collusion.”
“But you never met with her,” scoffed one Mediacircustops. “The case is months away.”
The Kevindowning cocked his head, dismissing the comment as trivial.
“Hey!” hollered another Mediacircustops. “Is that the Mattwhitaker?”
Sure enough. The one-time stop-gap, flop-sweat attorney general was squatting off to the side, wistfully recalling his glory days when the Mediacircustops hung on his every word. A Mediacircustops pounced on him nevertheless.
“You were just grilled by the Jerrynadler who says you did not deny that you spoke with the T-Rump about the Michaelcohen investigation. Why can’t you just give a straight answer?”
The Mattwhitaker opened his mouth and the pores on his forehead.
“You want a straight answer? Fine. I’ll give you one. Didn’t say didn’t doesn’t mean did. Okay? I did however speak with the Southern District Manhatinhand legal dino, the Geoffreyjackson.”
The Kevindowning jumped in front of him.
“The Geoffreyjackson said there was NO collusion!”
“Wrong jackson, you idiot!” bellowed the voice of reason.
Suddenly two short arms rose above the crowd. They waved, outstretched, drawing attention, seemingly begging for it. It was the Rogerstone, coming from his own dino court date. It was open dino court season for all members of the T-Rump’s inner circle. These were his movers and shakers waiting to squat still in the Solitary Sinkhole. More gratuitous grandstanding from the Rogerstone.
“Hello, everyone! Did I tell you about my latest revised footprints in the sand? You know, the ones I’m not supposed to tell you about because my judge, the Amybermanjackson …”
“She said NO collusion!”
The Kevindowning jumped the Rogerstone and the two dinos fell to the ground, locked in a battle for the Mediacircustops attention. It was merely comic relief for the Mediacircustops. For they knew all too well, that while the T-Rump may call their facts fake news, the facts from the Amybermanjackson stayed facts. Tried and true. To the letter of the law.
A hopeful Kushneratops looked across the flat rock table at the Saudisaurus crown prince. The prince was addressed as Embee-Yes by special decree, given that every Saudisaurae dino and the Tyrumposaurus’ senior adviser had to agree with him. Embee-Yes had the Kushneratops’ bony tail firmly secured under his left foot.
“Ahem, Embee-Yes?”
“What is it?”
“I know our top secret deal is complete …”
“You mean the one your father-in-law overruled his experts so you’d have clearance? That is why you snuck back in here. Don’t grovel. Pay attention if you want to learn something about the Middle Eastlands.”
“Of course, your excellency, but the real reason I came back is because …”
The crown prince frowned at the skinny, weak-kneed dino before him.
“Well, out with it.”
“I – I was wondering if we could do a … high-five? You know, like the one you did with the Putinodon?”
Embee-Yes put a claw to his lips to stifle a laugh. How naive this Kushneratops klutz. Unable to realize the high-five in question was at his expense.
There was a sudden commotion outside, some dino yelps and nasty assertions to ancestry. The Qatarsaurus burst into the cave, followed by the crown prince’s dino guard in hot pursuit.
“How’d you get in here?!” boomed the Embee-Yes. The crown prince didn’t wait for an answer. He shot a look to his guard, quaking nearby with a horrified look on his face.
“Should I go Khashoggi on him, boss?”
Embee-Yes winced and turned to the Kushneratops, who waved it off with a swipe of his short arm.
“Didn’t hear a thing. Not a word.”
The crown prince motioned for the guard to wait outside and turned his attention back to the Qatarsaurus.
“To what do I owe this visit from the terrorist next door?”
“My dinos are not terrorists. This is the fake news you feed to the T-Rump. I’m here because I’m onto you. You blame us. You hate us. You used us!”
Embee-Yes yawned.
“Such is life in the Middle Eastlands.”
This only angered the Qatarsaurus more. Nostrils flaring, phlegm dripping, he had only just begun.
“We own 9 percent of Brookfield. We put a lot of moolah-moolah in there. We had no idea they were going to go and bail you out.”
He glared at the Kushneratops. Indeed, Brookfield a global dino cave investor, had rescued the Kushneratops who was in debt up to his eyeballs by paying 1 billion moolah-moolah leaves up front for a 99-year lease on the Kushnertops’ Manhatinhand cave. After all, every dino thought they were going to live one hundred years.
“What’s more …”
“I’m not sure I’m up for a ‘what’s more’ today,” said Embee-Yes. “There’s nothing I hate more than a dino who can think.”
Undaunted, the Qatarsaurus continued.
“Brookfield owns Westinghouse … breeding grounds for the dangerous Nuclearreactor. You know it’s only a matter of time before they have a Nuclearballisticus running around. This deal has been going on since the T-Rump came to power. The Flynnhasbeen was working on it. Why, only last month the T-Rump was meeting with you on this, wasn’t he?”
The white-faced Kushneratops was caught off guard. Think fast. Think like the T-Rump. Any response will do.
“Well, uh … the good crown prince here would then just go and get a Nuclearballisticus from the Russodinos or the Gaypareeweewee, wouldn’t you?”
Embee-Yes gave a whatcha-gonna-do shrug. The Qatarsaurus wasn’t buying it.
“You think you’re going to get away with this, don’t you? Both of you. You’re not because it makes no sense. It’s insane! The T-Rump says no to the Kimjongadon but it’s okay for you to have a Nuclearballisticus, another weapon to go with your Bonesawtooth dino.”
The crown prince flinched at the comment. The Qatarsaurus looked down his snout at the Kushneratops.
“When the Donkeykongrus gets through with you, you won’t have security clearance to dip your toes in your wife’s mud bath. That reminds me, why exactly does the Tyvanka need security clearance?”
“Because she’s … daddy’s girl?”
David Belisle