Tag: Politics

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

You Got It …

There was a tail tapping at the doorway to the Oval Dwelling. The newly installed dino Chief of Staff, the Markmeadows answered it.

“The Tedcruz?”

“Hi, Mark. I’ve got to see the T-Rump. Just for a minute, that should do it. I mean, can I see him?”

“Well, he’s kinda busy right now.”

“He is not. This is me you’re talking to. He’s on executive time the entire morning. As in … Doing. Nothing.”

“You got me there. Come on in.”

The two dinos approached the Tyrumposaurus. The Tedcruz stepped in tight and kneeled beside the squatting T-Rump, who looked up from his latest Cheezbuggabugga.

“Gee, Ted. You’re kind of in my face. You’re gonna get splashed with the flying juice.”

“Oh, that’s okay. What’s a little juice between friends?”

The T-Rump put down his Cheezbuggabugga. He looked flushed. Eyes weary.

“What do you want?”

“Well, you know how you said that this whole Coronavirus was a hoax being put on by the Donkeykongrus to damage your leadership battle campaign?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I thought I’d follow your great master plan and make a little moolah on the side.”

“Doing what?”

“Oh, just being here with you.”

“I, uh … don’t follow.”

“It’s like this. A dino who, uh … shall remain nameless, paid me a very healthy amount of moolah-moolah leaves to come stand close to you. Real close.”

The T-Rump leaned back a bit.

“Well, you are pretty close.”

“I have to be.”

“Because?”

“I was at that big dino shindig ten days ago and I probably caught the Novel Coronavirus. I remember him coughing on me three times.”

“Oh.”

“And well, there are dinos out there that, believe it or not, don’t like you and since — as you just confirmed — hey, it’s all just a hoax, well … it can be our little laugh.”

“Oh, ha-ha. Funny.” The T-Rump turned to the shocked Markmeadows whose eyes were hanging out of their sockets. “Isn’t that funny, Mark? Laugh with us.”

“I – I’m sorry,  T-Rump. I hardly find this amusing. In fact, I’m sorry that my first act as your chief of staff will be to, uh … I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you — no, I’m going to demand that you place yourself under quarantine.”

“Mark, nobody is putting me under quarantine. I’m as healthy as a big, bad Brontosaurus.”

He coughed, then sneezed. Followed by a fart and a dribble.

“Okay, so I’m a little off today. Just because I’ve been holding big rallies with no testing. My fans have been coughing on me, I’ve been coughing on them. Now that’s democracy. This virus thing will never catch me. It’s too warm, it’s been contained and I told you there’s a miracle on the way, right? Now get the hell out of here before I start looking for chief of staff number five.”

But the Markmeadows wasn’t budging. He wanted this job badly. He’d do whatever it took to keep it. Just to get his message across. This message. Even if he had to sing …

 

Every day I look, the number’s on the rise

This virus is something you just can’t buy

One look … at you … you’re sick … Okay?

I say … that you … are here … to stay

 

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

 

The tests aren’t perfect, you need to understand

Numbers shouldn’t be a part of your campaign plan

They’re up … not down … no thanks … to you

So now … just sit … shut up … can you?

 

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

Every sneeze tells me 

Every doctor says 

Everything is clear

 

I’m mad … as hell … at whom? … at you

You went … so slow … without … a clue

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

 

Everything is clear

Stay here!

You got it

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1138 & 1142

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-p4ppk-d5aed8

This week’s two T-Rump Traxx feature: Day 1138 — “South Carolina” … the Joebiden has a big day with those down-home Dixie dinos … and Day 1142 — “Super Tuesday” … the Tulsigabbard wonders what could have been. Ahem. She’s spent a lot of time wondering. Tail wags to Neil Diamond and the Rolling Stones!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Super Tuesday …

What the hell was that? Would somebody please tell her what had just happened? The Joebiden, the Berniesanders, the Elizabethwarren – face it, every dino with a pulse – had roared past her in yesterday’s big day of Donkeykongrus leadership races.

It was The Wednesday After and the Tulsigabbard stared in wonder at her soul mate and pet rock Lulu, who sat there stone-faced.

“I feel your warmth and sympathy,” she said, stroking Lulu’s smooth side.

They sat quietly ruminating in Tulsi’s makeshift battle campaign headquarters. It was a small dank cave they shared with Sluggo, a four-foot-long, one-foot-wide slug. Rent was cheap, fifty moolah-moolah leaves a month. The only drawback was that Sluggo was always under foot. He claimed to be a Waikiki Leech but Tulsi knew better. Poor Sluggo sucked at sticking to anything. Hence he was always on the ground. In the way. He inched her way now.

“So? You pullin’ out?”

“What do you think?”

“You really think the Putinodon is going to come waltzing in with a million dinos at the last minute to carry the day with you?”

“Nothing’s impossible. I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Sluggo nodded to Lulu with a smirk.

“Because Lulu hasn’t told you yet to get out.”

“You leave Lulu out of this.”

“She can’t talk, Tulsi.”

“Lulu’s a selective mute.”

“Lulu’s a rock.”

“I told you not to call her that. You know she’s my therapy pebble.”

Tulsi wanted to kick Sluggo right in the … wherever. Except her foot might get stuck. She cringed at the thought.

“Sluggo? You suck.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Just then a stone rolled into the cave.  The slug brightened.

“Hey, a rolling stone.” He looked to Lulu. “Someone you know?”

More stones rolled in.

“The whole gang’s here now.”

The incoming stones were the result of a passing entourage of dozens of Donkeykongrus dinos.

“Aren’t you going to go see who it is?” asked Sluggo.

“I know who it is. Another stupid parade for some damn Donkeykongrus dino not named me. What do I  have to do to get my message through to all these walnut brains?”

Sluggo looked from her to the stones around them and back to her.

“I’m going to guess that was a rhetorical question?”

Tulsi shook her head and sank dejectedly back into her squat, burying her head in her hands. Sluggo inched his way through the stones.

“Hey, guys. Since we’re all here. Let’s sing her a song. To cheer her up.”

Tulsi, doubtful, looked up from her funk. Nobody sang to her any more. Something about the angry glare in her eyes.

But real stones don’t sing of course. A song however did reach inside the Tulsigabbard headquarters, a song sung by the Donkeykongrus faithful outside as they tromped down the path. Their song came in loud and clear. Too clear.

 

He’d forever say his time would come

They’d say his chances were slim and none

Fourteen states in sight

His future once so bright

Then from south

This phoenix rose

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Don’t question why he leads good ol’ Bernie

It’s Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee 

It just seems insane

The T-Rump did sprain his brain

The smallest cost

For nothing lost

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Bloomberg knew he’d lose, to Joe he’ll say

Catch your dreams because I’ll pay your way

Trying all this time

Warren wonders how she was left behind

Ain’t life so kind?

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

South Carolina …

There was a dull roar coming from inside the Charleston Cavern, the main cave for the Joebiden supporters. It was official. The Berniesanders had not made it close like the so-called Wise Old Walnuts had projected. No, the Joebiden had just won the Donkeykongrus battle for Lower Carolina handily. One of every two dinos had lined up behind Joe. Dinos inside the Charleston Cavern were slapping tails, grinning scary grins and slobbering profusely at their newfound success.

Maybe the Berniesanders revolution wasn’t the earthquake-shaking-volcano-erupting-lava-in-your-face groundswell the Wise Old Walnuts had been making it out to be. The Joebiden had come through, giving his camp the much-needed shot in the arm following dismal turn-outs in the first three battles of the Donkeykongrus leadership campaign. Dino brains were small however. Maybe they’d just forgotten?

The Jillbiden approached her husband at the side of the flat rock lectern.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. I knew you could do it. Do you have your speech ready?”

“Do I? Oh, I’m ready to give a speech alright. This has been a long time coming. A l-o-o-o-n-g time.”

“Joe, dear. Are you okay? You’re looking a little peaked around the eyes.”

“Are you kidding. I’m always peaked around the eyes.”

“Well, I know that, sweetheart. But today, especially so. You didn’t partake in some weeds I don’t know about?”

“Good gosh, no.”

She gave him a comforting nod and grasped his short arm in hers.

“I guess it’s understandable given the excitement. It’s been a whirlwind day. Are you sure you’re feeling fine, though?”

“Hey, I didn’t have the stroke. You should go ask Bernie.”

“Okay, okay. Point taken. You’re right.”

She looked around at the dino multitude and beamed.

“You did it, Joe. You really did it. And I’m right here beside you. Look at them. They’re all yours, like birds waiting for you to sing them out of a tree.”

“Eh?”

“Never mind, just get out there and do your thing.”

“Uh, okay. Sure.”

He gave her a peck on the cheek and he approached the flat rock lectern. Sing to them? Really? He mulled it over. His wife wasn’t just right. She was always right. Oh, well, when in Rome. He smiled, waved to the crowd, his thoughts crystallized and he lowered his gaze in his trademark all-seriousness approach and began.

 

Where it began

Kinda thought it was goin’

And then I prayed it wasn’t gone

 

Iowa sting

Nevada made me number 

And then Jimclyburn came along

 

Fans huggin’ fans

Reachin’ out, gettin’ real, here’s the deal

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

I was behind 

Obama likes me, knock on wood

Steyer’s out

 

Bernie’s right there

And for those who like lonely

There’s poor Tulsi with under two

 

And when I hurt

Hurtin’ cuz I’m much older

But I’m still alive, how ‘bout you?

 

Warren, that damn Warren

Reachin’ out, gettin’ real, here’s the deal

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

I’ve been behind

Obama likes me, knock on wood

I hope so.

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

South Carolina

Obama likes me, knock on wood

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1131 & 1135

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ie4vz-d517ca

Today’s T-Rump Traxx are a British invasion of sorts. In Day 1131 — “Revolution” … The Berniesanders dinos are chomping on grass roots. That is, becoming a grass roots movement. Then on Day 1135 — “Bye, Corona” … The Tyrumposaurus has a dino world calamity to take on as only he can. A tap of the tail to the Beatles and The Knack. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire

Bye, Corona …

The Tyrumposaurus, his mighty minions and a smarter-than-the-average dino or two sat back-cave. They were awaiting the T-Rump’s first address to Dino Nation’s Mediacircustops in over a year. The situation was dire. The Coronavirus was sweeping the dino world and had finally landed — with 60 cases — in the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump had briefed his heartless hangers-on of what he planned to say and they all wished he hadn’t.

“T-Rump, blessed T-Rump,” said the Mincepencenow. “I – I really don’t think it’s a good idea to go out and tell Dino Nation what you’ve shared with us. You’re a great leader, and I’d swim to the bottom of the worst smelling swamp for you, but …” He trailed off.

“Sure you would,” said the T-Rump, eyeing him with contempt. “I just bet you would. Why, I’ve a good idea to make you the dino czar of this whole thing.”

“No, please don’t. Mother wouldn’t like that.”

“Hey!” It was the Alexazar. “You said I could be the czar of this whole, uh … thing.”

The T-Rump frowned. 

“I don’t like your tone. How’d you like to be acting czar?”

The surprised expressions from his dino sycophants surprised even the T-Rump.

“Okay, maybe that straight-from-the-gut decision wasn’t the greatest decision ever. But it was good. Wasn’t it?”

Coughing up of phlegm all around. The Tymelania saw this as her chance.

“Donald?”

“Yes, what is it?”

“I only listen to one thing that Rickwilson says.”

“That’s good.”

“He says everything you touch dies. Don’t do this. You are playing with death. I don’t want to die. You, well. What can I say? Be best.” 

“Okay, I guess.”

He turned to the Anneschuchat, a dino who knew her way around sick dinos and then some. 

“Anne, what do have to say on this. Maybe more than me?”

“Maybe. But you see, the less I tell you, the better. You’re just going to say what you’re going to say, right?

“Straight from the gut. You know it.”

“So, T-Rump. I will speak after you. The clean-up will be much easier this way.”

“Clean-up? Did you say clean-up?” The germaphobe checked his hands. “What are you cleaning up? I don’t have the Coronavirus already, do I?  Do I?” 

Shrugs all around. Worried, some not-so worried and a couple surprisingly gleeful.

“Have you been to see the Chopstickchowmein?” asked the Anneschuchat.

“No.”

“Then you’re fine.”

“Oh.” A sigh of relief and long inhale of bravado. “Of course I am.” 

Flustered, he jumped up from his squat. There was no holding him back. As usual. He signaled for the intro and it began. He entered the briefing cave, dino tails raining blows against the wall. They soon had the knack.

 

Hoo, my little pretty sun, my pretty sun

Are you gonna burn up in time, Corona?

Hoo, you know it’s one and done, it’s one and done

I’ll be comin’ off lookin’ fine, Corona

 

Never gonna stop, give it up, gotta get this right

And Larry said it, yup, said that it’s pretty much airtight

Fifteen, five, two, one. Woo!

 

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

 

Stay a little farther, huh, my wall, huh?

A quarantine I can walk by, Corona

Keepin’ it a mystery, it won’t get me

Findin’ you a nice, new fall guy, Corona

 

Never gonna stop, give it up, we’ve got brilliant minds

Nancy and that Chuck, just shut up, you should get behind

Fifteen, five, two, one. Woo!

 

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

 

When you gonna give to me, g-give to me

Is it just a matter of time, Corona?

Is it d-d-destiny, d-destiny

Or is it dementia of my mind, Corona?

 

Never gonna stop, give it up, til the cure we find

We’ll soon have it up, no mix-up, so just get in line 

Fifteen, five, two, one. Woo!

Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fifteen, five, two, one. Woo!

 

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

Buh-buh-buh-bye, Corona

 

Hoooooo … c’mon, Mike, bye, Corona

Hoooooo … don’t let me down, Mike, bye, Corona

Hoooooo … Hey, didya get your flu shot?* Bye, Corona

* flu shot: a potent slurp from the wrong end of Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire

Revolution …

A revolution was sweeping Dino Nation. The first three battlegrounds of the spring-summer campaign before the November Battle Royale had come and gone. History had been made. The Berniesanders had done something no dino had ever done before. Besides being trapped in amber for 99 million years. But that’s only how Bernie felt. He had triumphed in the Iowa Corn-cob-us, the Newhamp Shires and most recently the Reno-Keno Ruckus. It appeared that after being thrown under the Priebusunderbus four years earlier by the Crookadillary, it was finally Bernie’s time to come out. Time for his revolution.  

The Reno-Keno Ruckus had been especially gratifying. Dinosaurs of all stripes and colors, from all dino demographics, had come out to support him, proving the 78-year-old dino was not a one-species specialist. They all loved Bernie. Unlike the scrappy Donkeykongrus dinos competing for dino leadership. They’d once numbered in the twenties but were now down to single digits. Of those remaining, the Elizabethwarren had peeled away from him to lambaste every dino in site. The Buddhajudge pleaded with dinos not to fall for Bernie and his too-much, too-soon beastly social dino trap. The Michaelbloomberg had called Bernie a Commiedino but dinos with their feet on the ground knew better.

All these attacks fell by the wayside as Bernie’s message resonated with dinos who for too long had felt left behind in that wayside gully dinos referred to grimly as the Long, Long Lurch. 

Bernie stepped to the flat rock lectern to address his volunteers, his followers and his appetizer hunting crew. Every dino loved appies. He smiled out at the dino multitude contentedly licking their lips of some salty Salamander-Iguana fresh kill. Bernie stared his get-busy stare and raised a hand holding a short branch.

“I’ve got news for the Grandoldparty establishment. I’ve got news for the Donkeykongrus establishment. They can’t stop us!”

He dropped the branch. That was it. A branch drop. That was all it took. 

The dinos before him rose as one. A hush spread over the audience. Then came a rustling and a rising of voices, chanting, “Not me. Us. … Not me. Us. … Not me. Us.” It was a movement of many coming to fruition. To take back their beloved Milkanhoney Preservation from the T-Rump. Tails began banging against the nearest solid object and dino roars erupted heartily into their new anthem. Their calling. Their raison d’etre.

So Bernie’s got a revolution

Well, he knows

He’s all set to change the world

He cannot wait for evolution

Well, he knows

Fossil fuels will kill the world

The time is now for the election

Bernie will surely get the vote out

Don’t you know you feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

For health he has the real solution

Well, he knows

It’s not another T-Rump scam

The rich must make their contribution

Well, he knows

They should give more than we can

But isn’t it funny Nevada showed us how great

Bernie is one of us, you cannot wait

Don’t you know you feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

He will wipe out the destitution

Well, he knows

You need a bed for your head

And what about the institutions?

Well, he knows

The ones T-Rump has left for dead

So if you are tired of pictures of Nunes’ cow 

You can turn to Bernie and take this vow 

Don’t you know you feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

Feel the Bern! Alright

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1124 & 1128

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-kcjr2-d484c1

A mixed bag this week for the hot mess that befell the Trumpassic Period. Up first: Day 1124 — “You Don’t Bring Me Justice” … the Williambarr receives some surprise visitors … and Day 1128 — “Undercover for the Rogerstone” … another T-Rump story that simply wrote itself. Dino tail wags to Neil Diamond and Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Undercover for the Rogerstone …

The Donkeykongrus debate had gone off the rails the night before with the skinny Elizabethwarren raking punishing, non-stop body blows upon the smaller Michaelbloomberg. Then there was the Buddhajudge and Amyklobuchar trading snappy, in your face one-two punches, rocking each other to and fro. But it was the 40-month sentence handed down by the dino judge, the Amybermanjackston to the Tyrumposaurus confidante and con-artist, the Rogerstone, that turned heads and served notice to all in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.

The T-Rump was as usual stomping mad. He stormed around the Oval Dwelling in front of his squatting sycophants, turning to his number-one henchman, the attorney dino general, the Williambarr.

“What the hell was that?! I thought you had things under control!”

“I – I can’t exactly tell the judge what to say.”

“Then what good are you to me? Huh?”

The T-Rump’s glare weighed upon him. The Williambarr again seriously considered quitting. But was this the truth or the party line? Reigning supreme over the DOJ to chaperone every T-Rump whimsy was surely ulcer-bound. The Mickmulvaney sensed this and thankfully intervened.

“He’s doing the best he can, T-Rump. I really think he is. Uh, hopefully, I mean.”

“What about that dino juror? She was totally tainted! Roger’s got a very good chance of exoneration. Doesn’t he, William?”

“Do you want me to lie to you?”

The Willliambarr winced. This false sense of bravado must be a byproduct of his inching toward quitting. Maybe he was serious. Maybe he was having a stroke.

“What did you say?” asked the T-Rump.

“Sorry, a feeble attempt at humor.”

“Not feeble. Weak. Very weak. I have an idea however to get to the bottom of this Rogerstone thing. Julian, the Julianassange.”

The Stephenmillerus cocked a sinister eye.

“Isn’t he kind of, uh … off limits right now? The Mediacircustops caught wind that we offered him a pardon if he would testify that the Russodino interference was a hoax.”

“Nobody is ever off limits to me. Remember that. Maybe ol’ Julianassange is going to get that pardon after all. But he’ll have to earn it. Here’s what I want.”

And so the plan was hatched. Dino news travels fast. Especially news that’s dastardly and despicable. The following morning, the dino guard at the Solitary Sinkhole at Thamesmead Belmarsh, where the Julianassange was holed up, informed him that the Wikileakibeak-disgraced dino would be going undercover for the Rogerstone. 

The Julianassange was positively giddy. He looked to the skies, raised his arms in sweet joy and danced a little jig. He had to dance on the spot however. It was after all a Solitary Sinkhole. But his voice rang out to nearby prisoners and faraway innocents alike …

 

Well, I’m a bombshell springer

I’m a big right-winger

And I’m loathed everywhere I go 

I stole messy secrets and I stole pressing truths

About a thousand leaks, y’know

I had all kinds of bills for Ecuadorian thrills 

But the thrill I’ve never known

Is the thrill when crap’s flowin’, when I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover?

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother … Yeah!

“Why’s my son a disgrace?” 

Undercover for the Rogerstone

 

He’s got a freaky ole lady name a Naughty Nikki

Who’s emboldened, yes, it seems

He’s a dirty shyster … oh, so tricky

The two make quite a team

Now seven years is a lot of time

To go without your mind bein’ blown

But the blow I’m knowin’ is I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

 

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover? 

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother 

“Why’s my son a disgrace?”

Undercover for the Rogerstone

 

Watch T-Rump roll!

 

I got a lot of little extradition matters

T-Rump said would go away

I’m like a genu-wine Indian Guru

With not really much to say

I’ve got no friends but I’ll never ask why

To T-Rump, I’m a welcome bone

And now he’s all crowin’ that I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

 

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover?

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother 

“Why’s my son a disgrace?”

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Undercover of the Roger

Wanna see me go undercover?

 

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother

Wanna see me go undercover?

Undercover for the Rogerstone

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!