Tag: Political Satire

The muddied waters of Vanity Pond before them, the Huckabeecyclops and the Hopehicksbagotrix reclined luxuriously in the dinosaur spa. Alas, this was a working spa day. The two dinosaurs were entrusted with coming up with a letter of support from the Marinegunkelly for the disgraced Robporter, the Marinegunkelly’s right-hand dinosaur. The Robporter had been accused by two ex-wives and his current girlfriend of throwing them around their jungle home.

“Honestly,” said the Huckabeecyclops, “it seems like we’re cleaning up an Oval Dwelling mess every day.”

“We are,” replied the Hopehicksbagotrix, examining a cracked claw. “But we need to protect the T-Rump. He’s the only dinosaur that matters.” She gnawed on another claw. “I can’t believe the Robporter was two-timing me.”

“Well, she was living with him.”

“Whose side are you on? Wait til I get a hold of that waddling wench.”

“You’ve been through so much, Hope. First the Michaelwolff had to go and tell the world about your affair with the Lewandowski. That wasn’t fair at all. The Lewandowski’s wife and four kids … that Michaelwolff wrecked their home. … Um, did you ever, you know, see the Scaramoochkin?”

The Hopehicksbagotrix frowned.

“He was only here for ten days.”

“You poor dear. How are you holding up?”

“I’ll be okay. Somebody has to point the T-Rump in the right direction.”

“I think you’re wonderful, Hope. You could have it all, y’know.”

“I’m working on it. Now, about the Robporter. We need to come up with a story that puts this all in a positive light.”

“Have you seen the ex-wife number one?” asked the Huckabeecyclops. “That was some shiner.”

“That was no shiner. Dizzy dino stuck her head in some poison ivy. The Robporter said so and I believe him because the T-Rump only surrounds himself with the best dinos. I mean, look at us.”

“Oh, I wish I could be like you, Hope. You came in here with no political experience whatsoever and I, well …”

“Now, now. Never underestimate the power of nepotism.”

“How do you do it, Hope?”

“Listen, if you want to walk the walk and rock the block, you’ve come to the right place. Did you have any particular dino in mind?”

“Hope, I’m married.”

“And so are they. How do you expect to rise in this place?

“Well, I am tired of lying all the time.”

“Don’t say that. I didn’t hear it.”

“I’m sorry, Hope. It’s just that, I’ve been having problems with …”

“I know, I know. Your self confidence, isn’t it? Look, you just have to start small. Okay?”

“Well, if you say so. You are closest to the president. So you do know what’s best.”

‘Exactly. Now, take the Stephenmillerus. Do you know why he’s always looking at the ground?”

“He doesn’t know where he’s going?”

“Some times. But mostly because he’s lonely.”

“Really?”

“Yes, he’s playing the woe-is-me-take-me-home-so-I-can-yell-at-you card. But you can do better.”

“I can?”

“Sure. There’s you know who.”

The Huckabeecyclops gasped.

“You mean …”

“Sure, girl. That debonair dino. The Reedcordish.” The Hopehicksbagotrix deliciously drew out the Trump assistant dino’s name. He was an absolute hex. That is, handsome with extra smarts.

“The Reedcordish doesn’t know I exist,” said the Huckabeecyclops, a claw burrowed up her nose.

“You just have to be picky and play hard to get.”

The Huckabeecylcops extended her claw further.

“Don’t worry,” said the Hopehicksbagotrix. “I’ll put in a good word for you. They don’t call me the gossip girl for nothing. Now that we’ve worked ourselves into a Reedcordish frenzy, let’s knock off that letter for the old rattletrap. Give me the dirt.”

“Okay. Well, the Robporter’s accused of beating up an ex-wife.”

“He’s a strong man for the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“Don’t forget the second ex-wife. He was beating up two lady dinos.”

“He’s an extra strong man …”

“And the ex-girlfriend. She had issues with him too.”

“He’s an extra strong man who does not know what three-strikes-you’re-out means. He always comes back for more. And that’s why I back him 100%. Close and insert name here, Marinegunkelly.”

“You do this so well, Hope.”

“It comes with the territory. Stick with me, Huckabee. This is just the beginning. Pass the mud … and how about that Reedcordish? You better grab him or I will. Whatta dino dish.”

The two lady dinos blissfully curled their toes, sinking deeper into the mud.

The Tyrumposaurus squatted at the edge of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. He lowered his cagey mug close to the water, pursed his lips like a baby dino and, using his short arms, flicked the water repeatedly toward his mouth. Much of it missed. He coughed and sputtered as water went up his nose. Eventually he swallowed a meager gulp, wheezed loudly and sat back exhausted on his haunches. Drinking was so tiresome. The T-Rump turned to his legal dino, the Dowderpuff.

“Let me get this right, you’re telling me that if I lie, there are consequences? Since when?”

“Since the Muellersavus is acting as special counsel. You are walking straight into a perjury trap.”

“Perjury trap? What the hell is that?”

“Remember how we agreed you would simply deny, deny, deny everything about the 14 lady dinos who accused you of sexual assault … and the Stormydaniels Pornodactyl whom you did. Er, consensually.”

“You’re losing me. One word at a time. You know I don’t read.”

“The ‘D’ word, T-Rump.”

“Donald?”

“No. Deny. Unfortunately this time that’s not going to work. To quote the Puerto Rikiricardo, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.”

“Since when has that been a problem? You know I can get away with … with … eating my young.”

“Of course. But one small slip-up with the Moscovian Bluffs and you could wind up in the Solitary Sink Hole.”

“Ha-ha. You’re funny.”

The smug grin fell from the T-Rump’s face as he realized the Dowderpuff was serious.

“But we’ve got the questions, right? Tell me we’ve got the questions. We haven’t been playing this Devilnunesmemo game for the time-wasting, evidence-gathering farce it is, right? Bless his courageous, patriotic, only-once-besmirched heart.”

“No questions, but we do have the topics.”

“Great. I’ll just deny the topics.”

“You can’t deny a topic.”

“Watch me.”

The Dowderpuff shook his head.

“My rate just went up another caveful of moolah-moolah leaves.”

“Whatever. I just borrowed a trillion, remember? One Trillion,” he said, putting a claw to his lower lip.

“Wonderful. As your legal dino however, I’m making the call on this one.”

“Fine. Just tell the Mediacircustops that I made the decision. You know how fragile my ego is.”

“On the bright side,” said the Dowderpuff, “you may not even have to meet with the Muellersavus. To justify your being there, we can say his evidence hasn’t met a high-enough threshold.”

“Ha!” said the T-Rump. “I knew a low-level Oval Dwelling was the way to go.”

“One last consideration. He can still send the Subpoenaraptor after you.”

The T-Rump harrumphed.

“If the Bannoncanon can get away with it, so can I.”

“On the other claw, all the Oval Dwelling dinos agree that the Muellersavus won’t have the guts to do it.”

“So, no Subpoenaraptor?”

“Probably not.”

“But I want the Subpoenaraptor. If it’s good enough for the Bannoncanon …”

“Trust me, you don’t.”

“Hey. I’m the counter-puncher. And I watch my Foxsquawkbox friends religiously. I’ll show that Littleadamschiff, the Cryingchuck and the Nancypelosionyx for sitting on their claws for my Great List of Excuses Address. The Dacadreamers can wait, the whole damn lot of Dowjonestickers, every one of’em can wait … and this gawd-awful government-thing can just shut right down, because I’m tired of being number two in any Mediacircustops news cycle. Bring on the Muellersavus. Bring on the Subpoenaraptor. Bring on the sun to shine … on … me.”

He clapped his legal dino on the back.

“I’ve got this, Dowderfluff.”

“Ahem. That’s puff.”

“Total vindication! That’s right,” said the Seanhannity, “You heard it here.”

The Sour Palooka was joined by fellow Foxsquawkbox, the Jeaninepirro and the Bradwenstrup, a Grandoldparty dino from Cincy-Pattycake Stakes. The Seanhannity had just received privileged, advance knowledge of the release of the dreaded Devilnunesmemo details. The Foxsquawkbox were bipedaling, er … running with it in front of a large dinosaur audience.

The Devilnunesmemo had shared top secret dino info with the Mediacircustops in the past and was at it again. This time, it was about the Langleytips having the audacity to listen in on the Carterpagealpha converations with the Kayjeebeeops. Their dialogue had only been going on for four years.

The Jeaninepirro leaned forward with her hairy eyeball stare.

“The pillars of our institutions are cracking, crumbling even. Knock’em down and … LOCK’EM UP!”

“That’s all well and good,” said the Seanhannity. “But let’s unpack the meat from the Devilnunesmemo — in all its tasty glory. Our mandate is to show the dinosaurs across the land — and the despicable liberal left Mediacircustops — that this skeleton of information fully exonerates our faithful — most of the time — leader, the Tyrumposaurus. He shouldn’t have to sit through any meeting with the Muellersavus. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, because that isn’t what this is about.”

The Seanhannity smiled broadly at the Bradwenstrup.

“The average dinosaur wants transparency, doesn’t he, Brad?”

“He sure does. We need to see what we’re eating. I’ll use the food analogy here to keep things simple. What we’ve done is cherry pick the information. Oh, sure, the Donkeykongrus may say the Devilnunesmemo is devoid of substance, that there’s no meat on the bones and it’s a two-bite snack causing massive indigestion …”

“LOCK’EM UP!”

“Please, Jeanine, let the Bradwenstrup finish.”

“As I was saying, even though we can’t see all the intestines, the innards, you know, the real guts behind this thing, I’m confident that the devil is in the details. So, logically speaking, that makes the Devilnunesmemo the devil before us.”

“That makes perfect sense,” said the Seanhannity. He turned to the Jeaninepirro who was hyperventilating and hopping on both feet. “Go ahead, Jeanine. Let’er rip.“

She glared at her audience anew.

“I too was a legal dino once upon a time. Then I saw it for the corrupt and unjust system it was. So now I’m just a celebrity judge. I like to mix my serious with pretend. You don’t need all the facts. The Donkeykongrus say they can’t tell you all the details because they’re top secret. Oh, boo-hoo. Do you hear that? They’re keeping secrets,” she hissed. “What are they hiding?”

“Exactly,” said the Bradwenstrup. “We just need to keep up this inquiry. The longer we string this out, the more evidence we allow the T-Rump to see, evidence the Muellersavus is lining up against him in the Russia investigation.”

“No collusion,” said the Seanhannity and the Jeaninepirro on cue.

“Yes,” continued the Bradwenstrup, “just because the T-Rump told some friends that he was releasing the Devilnunesmemo to interfere with the Mueller investigation, that’s no admission of obstruction of justice. He did not say obstruction.”

“Anybody,” said the Jeaninepirro, “and I mean anybody, who dares telling me that interference is the same as obstruction … LOCK’IM UP.”

“Of course,” continued the Seanhannity. “Yes, they could have held the hearings in broad daylight like Water-Floodgate and everybody would know exactly what is going on. But where’s the conspiracy in that? Better to keep this all behind doors in private where you, the audience, allow us to piece it together for you.”

“You heard the Mincepencenow,” said the Bradwenstrup. “He says this raises serious concerns about decisions made at the highest levels of the Deeohjayfolks and the Langleytips.”

“Serious,” echoed the Jeaninepirro, “I love it when the Mincepencenow says ‘serious.’ I lied to him once … just to see him serious. Okay, twice.

“That’s great, Jeanine,” said the Seanhannity. “Remember, it’s just obstruction wrapped in opposition research hidden inside a rabbit hole. That means no one’s talking about the T-Rump and a day without the T-Rump and the Putinodon in the same sentence is a sunny day for all dinosaurs. We’ll leave you now with our humble chorus because, propaganda science being what it is, we need to say it every hour …”

“The Devilnunesmemo is not an attempt to discredit the Mueller investigation,” the good ol’ Sour Palooka, the Jeaninepirro and the Bradwenstrup sang together in perfect harmony, smiling smugly at the audience.

He was a former Grandoldparty dinosaur gone rogue. The Langleytips called him ‘extremely reckless.’ He was the Devilnunesmemo. He’d taken a giant leap for the Tyrumposaurus’ team and cratered bigly. Huge bigly. Ground shaking bigly. When his foot fell from his mouth, it was felt throughout the Milkanhoney Preservation, rattling the very underpinnings below, along the once clean-slate line of the Foundation of Demawkrussy.

The Devilnunesmemo had gone off half-cocked like a stumbling, bumbling, old Milwaukeeraptor, thinking he had so much intelligence when he was still half a walnut shy of a brain.

The Donkeykongrus knew better. They were well aware that many of the Grandoldparty dinos had yet to make it through the age-old evolutional phase called Kommonsense. This was particularly true of the Sayheytreygowdy and the Ronconjobjohnson, who were telling any Mediacircustops they could run down that the Langleytips group was a deep state and secret society — not just the Strzokpeter turning the Lisapagemetonite over .. and over … deep in the bushes.

The Nancypelosionyx was livid. She called it a cover-up. The deadline for the T-Rump to holler, “Release the Sanctionsaurus!” on the Putinodon and every Moscoligarchshark had come and gone. The T-Rump had called the Sanctionsaurus seriously flawed, though the big dino’s bite never failed to leave a mark. The Donkeykongrus were left taking names and pointing claws instead of seeing dismembered limbs strewn about.

Mediacircustops everywhere were left once again scratching their scaly noggins. What did the Putinodon have on the T-Rump?

The Andrewmccabe, the veteran Langleytips, had left town. He’d taken an early retirement, tired of the constant sniping and Trollertweety attacks against him and his wife from the T-Rump. With the news of the Andrewmccabe departure, the Comenyonus had even weighed in, calling the Grandoldparty dinos “small.” This was indeed a stinging rebuke, considering the average dino tipped the scales at twenty tons. Still, the Andrewmccabe pitied the Sessionsopussum and the Rodrosentstein who were left as the T-Rump’s numbers one and two whipping dinos whenever the Winds of Muellersavus whipped up anew.

This was the backdrop for the Tyrumposaurus’ Great List of Excuses Address later that night.

But the antsy Nancypelosionyx had one last thing to say. Regarding the T-Rump, she remarked, “let the attention be on his slobbering self. If his nose isn’t running and he isn’t burping, he did a great speech.”

“What do you mean, no?”

The Tyrumposaurus looked apoplectic.

“What I’m saying,” said the Oval Dwelling’s legal dino, the Donmcgahn, “is that if you fire the Muellersavus, every Donkeykongrus and bipedaling dino from here to the Watergate Strait  will revolt. Unconditionally. It’s called obstruction of justice.”

“It’s called fighting back!”

“It’s called a death march,” said the Rodrosenstein under his breath.

“I don’t believe this,” said the T-Rump. “Are the Cottonmouth and the Purduechicken the only dinos who will defend me?”

The remaining dinosaur in the den, the Sessionsopossum, considered raising a short arm, but thought better of it. The T-Rump would only jump up and down on him repeatedly for recusing himself from the investigation.

“You’ve been telling me no for months,” said the T-Rump. “I hate that word. Has nothing changed?”

“Collusion and conspiracies don’t just, um … go away,” said the Donmcgahn.

“Hey, you’re on my team, remember? There’s no collusion. No conspiracy. Why,” the T-Rump scanned the ground for something small and insignificant. He spotted an acorn. “There’s as much chance of a conspiracy here as this acorn having a monopoly on stairlifts.”

The other dinosaurs had no idea what a stairlift was. They sighed and wrote it off as another ‘covfefe.’ The Sessionsopossum sought to end the awkward moment.

“Unfortunately, the Muellersavus lives such a squeaky clean life, we’ve been unable to add to the three bones of contention — vis a vis our entire conflict of interest case against him.”

“Refresh my memory,” said a bored T-Rump.

“Well, you said that when the Muellersavus goes flogging, he has a terrible back swing.”

“Just awful,” said the T-Rump. “The worst the world has ever seen. That’s one.”

“He was also once grazing in the same grassland as your son-in-law, the Kushneratops, though they never came within a mile of each other.”

“Close enough. That’s two.”

“And the Muellersavus was actually asked to return to the top job with the Langleytips the day before he became head honcho of the Moscovian Bluffs investigation.”

“There you have it,” said the T-Rump, staring down the Donmcgahn. “That’s three. Go ahead. Off you go. Fire him.”

“I will not. I’ll quit first.”

“Don’t stumble on your way out. Stumbling is for losers.”

The Donmcgahn picked up a couple of rocks he was partial too … and turned to exit.

“Wait,” said the T-Rump. “Okay, okay. I’m kidding.”

The Donmcgahn stopped and turned around.

“I’m kidding too. I was only going to the next den to see my legal dino.”

“Oh, well. Be sure and ask him who he voted for, okay?”

The Donmcgahn waddled out without replying. He made his way to another den a short distance away. The T-Rump’s newly opened Grand-Backwash Burrows was only steps away from the Oval Dwelling and had plenty of dens available for the politically powerful in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.

The Donmcgahn entered the den and stopped in his tracks. His legal dino, the Billyburck from Quinn-Manual-Layburr was not alone. The Bannoncanon and the Priebusunderbus were also in attendance.

“I, uh … thought we’d be alone,” said the Donmcgahn.

“At the moolah-moolah rate I quoted you? Not a chance,” said the Billyburck. “I’m killing a pair o’ pterodactyls with this one. You get a discount and we all keep our stories straight. Don’t tell the T-Rump, but I’m a stable genius too.”

“But you can’t represent us at the same time,” said the Donmcgahn. “It flies in the face of attorney-client privilege. We need confidential meetings.”

“Discount. Stories straight,” said the Billyburck. “Who’s calling the shots here?”

The Donmcgahn shared a worried look with the Priebusunderbus.

“Fear not, fellow dinos,” said the Bannoncanon. “I’m only here because it will stir things up. And I will be able to leak, I mean, speak to the Mediacircustops. About our confidentiality of course.”

More worried looks between the Donmcgahn and the Priebusunderbus and their audible, hollow, swallowing gulps.

Stepping lively down the path, a dino with a date, the Muellersavus approached the Langleytips Private Den. It was an area off the beaten dinosaur path, with nondescript bushes, trees and a few knee-deep swamps, the kind most dinosaurs avoided, save for snowflakes like the pampered Pamparaptor, destined to naively stroll into extinction.

The Muellersavus had no time for snowflakes. He was a member of the hard-shelled Titano-investigatus species, prepared to chew gaping holes in whatever defense the Tyrumposaurus had built through lies, deceit and his fleet of Trollertweeties. The Muellersavus vowed there would be dinosaur justice for all, or at least as far as the blood sprayed.

Today was shaping up to be a very juicy day. The Muellersavus looked forward to staring down the Bannoncanon, grilling the former T-Rump chief strategist about all things T-Rump.

Spotting his prey behind a bush at their designated meeting place, the Muellersavus licked his lips and flexed his pointy shoulder blades, a telltale sign that he was about to stick it to you. Accompanied by a Subpoenasaurus, the best tracking dinosaur in the land, the Bannoncanon stepped forward, cheeks flushed with the most peculiar, disarming smile.

“Tis a fine day for toppling a dynasty.”

The Muellersavus eyed the Bannoncanon carefully. Had he been nipping from the wrong end of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir already?

“Good morning,” the Muellersavus offered. “You’re here awfully early.”

“I’ve been waiting two hours … and I cleared out my schedule for the next week. I’m as eager as a Sessionsopussum saying he can’t remember. Say, thanks for sending the Subpoenasaurus after me. It’ll help make it look like I’m trying to get back in Trump’s good graces. For the umpteenth time. Fortunately, he can’t recall what happened yesterday. I’m sure he’s already forgotten everything I told the Michaelwolff. I was wondering …”

“Yes?”

“Could you say a few nasty things about me to the Mediacircustops, to show the T-Rump I’m not cooperating? And how much you hate me? You know, something like I’m a sh*thole in a sh*thouse. Nothing says loyalty like that, while reminding him I stand beside him on the migration route policy. He’ll eat it right up.”

“I’ll do nothing of the sort.”

“I’m Pocahantas living in a hut?”

“Now you’re mixing metaphors.”

“Like he’s going to notice.”

The Muellersavus’ grave face said not a chance. He waved off the Subpoenasaurus and the two dinos hunkered down to business.

“Let’s begin,” said the Langleytips  legend. “What did the T-Rump tell you about the T-Rump Jr. meeting taken with the Kayjeebeeops while the T-Rump was campaigning?”

“Oh, right. The babies. The T-Rump told me he didn’t want to get germs from kissing baby dinos but if the Kushneratops, T-Rump Jr. and the Manaforta could tell the Putinodon that the Milkanhoney Preservation would take all the Moscovian Bluffs baby dinos they could export, the T-Rump was positive the Putinodon would say something nice about him. That’s all he wanted. To be noticed by the Putinodon. What a maroon.”

“And what did the Kayjeebeeops say?”

“They told the T-Rump no dice. They had more dirt on him than they had on the Crookadillary and they wanted to keep it that way.”

“Were there any moolah-moolah leaves being washed here or the Cypress Spygrass, the in the Moscovian Bluffs?

“Moolah-moolah, here, there, everywhere … but don’t go looking at the T-Rump’s moolah-moolah. Don’t cross that line. Oh, no. Don’t you dare.” He jokingly waggled a claw at the Muellersavus.

“Ahem. I already did. In your mind, was there any collusion between the T-Rump and the Putinodon?”

“Let’s just say the T-Rump defines collusion as a solid working relationship.”

“Really?”

“As sure as the Dickydurbin tells the truth.”

“What about the Tyvankanatrix and the Kushneratops?”

The Bannoncanon fell back with a snorting laugh that led to a loud coughing fit. His nose turned a crimson red.

“You mean the answer to the Middle Eastlands? And the T-Rump Jr.’s sister, who threw him under the Priebusunderbus so she wouldn’t dirty her pretty claws? Those two only think about the common working dino when it’s time to collect the rent.”

“Is it true that the Stephenmillerus wrote most of the T-Rump’s speeches?”

“You’re going to throw him in the Solitary Sink Hole for that? Wow. I’ll set’em up, you knock’em down.”

“Why do you think the Stephenmillerus is so angry with the Mediacircustops?”

“You think he’s angry now? Wait til the Flakenator compares the T-Rump to the Stalinator.”

The Muellersavus knew he’d be here for days.

“Have you seen the Hopehicksbagotrix?” he asked. “She seems to have gone missing.”

“Are you kidding? Every dinosaur on the T-Rump team always looked to have one foot out the cave. Maybe she felt sorry for the Lewandowsky or the Scaramoochkin or the latest staff member with a failing marriage. They scraped the bottom of the food chain dry. It was beginning to look like the Fall of the Roaming Empire.”

The Muellersavus had long stopped shaking his head in disbelief. He had a mind like a steel trap that cracked all walnuts before him.

“Say,” said the Bannoncanon. “What do I need to tell you to get the Huckabeecyclops thrown in the Sinkhole until her eye is as red as my nose? I’m sure the Mediacircustops would then name me dino of the year.”

The Muellersavus allowed a rare smirk.

“We all know how that turned out.”