Satire The Trump Dig

Total Vindication …

“Total vindication! That’s right,” said the Seanhannity, “You heard it here.” …

“Total vindication! That’s right,” said the Seanhannity, “You heard it here.”

The Sour Palooka was joined by fellow Foxsquawkbox, the Jeaninepirro and the Bradwenstrup, a Grandoldparty dino from Cincy-Pattycake Stakes. The Seanhannity had just received privileged, advance knowledge of the release of the dreaded Devilnunesmemo details. The Foxsquawkbox were bipedaling, er … running with it in front of a large dinosaur audience.

The Devilnunesmemo had shared top secret dino info with the Mediacircustops in the past and was at it again. This time, it was about the Langleytips having the audacity to listen in on the Carterpagealpha converations with the Kayjeebeeops. Their dialogue had only been going on for four years.

The Jeaninepirro leaned forward with her hairy eyeball stare.

“The pillars of our institutions are cracking, crumbling even. Knock’em down and … LOCK’EM UP!”

“That’s all well and good,” said the Seanhannity. “But let’s unpack the meat from the Devilnunesmemo — in all its tasty glory. Our mandate is to show the dinosaurs across the land — and the despicable liberal left Mediacircustops — that this skeleton of information fully exonerates our faithful — most of the time — leader, the Tyrumposaurus. He shouldn’t have to sit through any meeting with the Muellersavus. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, because that isn’t what this is about.”

The Seanhannity smiled broadly at the Bradwenstrup.

“The average dinosaur wants transparency, doesn’t he, Brad?”

“He sure does. We need to see what we’re eating. I’ll use the food analogy here to keep things simple. What we’ve done is cherry pick the information. Oh, sure, the Donkeykongrus may say the Devilnunesmemo is devoid of substance, that there’s no meat on the bones and it’s a two-bite snack causing massive indigestion …”


“Please, Jeanine, let the Bradwenstrup finish.”

“As I was saying, even though we can’t see all the intestines, the innards, you know, the real guts behind this thing, I’m confident that the devil is in the details. So, logically speaking, that makes the Devilnunesmemo the devil before us.”

“That makes perfect sense,” said the Seanhannity. He turned to the Jeaninepirro who was hyperventilating and hopping on both feet. “Go ahead, Jeanine. Let’er rip.“

She glared at her audience anew.

“I too was a legal dino once upon a time. Then I saw it for the corrupt and unjust system it was. So now I’m just a celebrity judge. I like to mix my serious with pretend. You don’t need all the facts. The Donkeykongrus say they can’t tell you all the details because they’re top secret. Oh, boo-hoo. Do you hear that? They’re keeping secrets,” she hissed. “What are they hiding?”

“Exactly,” said the Bradwenstrup. “We just need to keep up this inquiry. The longer we string this out, the more evidence we allow the T-Rump to see, evidence the Muellersavus is lining up against him in the Russia investigation.”

No collusion,” said the Seanhannity and the Jeaninepirro on cue.

“Yes,” continued the Bradwenstrup, “just because the T-Rump told some friends that he was releasing the Devilnunesmemo to interfere with the Mueller investigation, that’s no admission of obstruction of justice. He did not say obstruction.”

“Anybody,” said the Jeaninepirro, “and I mean anybody, who dares telling me that interference is the same as obstruction … LOCK’IM UP.

“Of course,” continued the Seanhannity. “Yes, they could have held the hearings in broad daylight like Water-Floodgate and everybody would know exactly what is going on. But where’s the conspiracy in that? Better to keep this all behind doors in private where you, the audience, allow us to piece it together for you.”

“You heard the Mincepencenow,” said the Bradwenstrup. “He says this raises serious concerns about decisions made at the highest levels of the Deeohjayfolks and the Langleytips.”

“Serious,” echoed the Jeaninepirro, “I love it when the Mincepencenow says ‘serious.’ I lied to him once … just to see him serious. Okay, twice.

“That’s great, Jeanine,” said the Seanhannity. “Remember, it’s just obstruction wrapped in opposition research hidden inside a rabbit hole. That means no one’s talking about the T-Rump and a day without the T-Rump and the Putinodon in the same sentence is a sunny day for all dinosaurs. We’ll leave you now with our humble chorus because, propaganda science being what it is, we need to say it every hour …”

“The Devilnunesmemo is not an attempt to discredit the Mueller investigation,” the good ol’ Sour Palooka, the Jeaninepirro and the Bradwenstrup sang together in perfect harmony, smiling smugly at the audience.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s