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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Under Testing …

The Jaredkushner raised his haughty, haute couture snout.

“The extreme liberal left is railing against us when they should be celebrating our impeccable performance and saying lots of nice things about us. Everybody knows this is a great success story.”

“Excuse me?” It was the Jeremydiamond, raising his short arm in protest. “You aren’t trying to white wash the deaths of 60,000 dinos, are you?”

“Oh, I hardly think it was that many. When numbers get that high, I can only think of moolah-moolah. Let’s not get lost in the facts when I can go on at length with vague innuendo, half-baked hutzpah and plenty of partisan spin.”

“That’s great, just great, Jared.” The T-Rump beamed to the gathered Mediacircustops. “Isn’t he the perfect son-in-law?”

“T-Rump,” asked the Jeremydiamond.

“No can do. I know what you’re going to ask me about. That damn testing.”

“Dinos want to know, when is it going to ramp up? We need to get to 20 million tests per day.”

“Didn’t you hear the dino doctor Admiralgiroir here? He said we couldn’t do 5 million tests per day if our lives depended on it. They do, so we won’t. Actually, we’re getting close to 20 million tests per day now.”

“You’re only at 300,000.”

“Oh, we’ll be there pretty soon. 20 million. I just have to keep saying it because my dinos believe anything I say. … Now that you mention it, do we really need all this testing? I mean really. What’s in it for me?”

“Responsibility? Stewardship? Your re-election?”

“Now you’re talking. The Mincepencenow. Mike, isn’t it time for you to step in here and prove your gratuitous, lapdog dependence upon me?”

“Of course, my esteemed, brilliant leader. I remain at your beck and call. Thank you for allowing me to get those 4 million tests out.”

“And they’re still out there,” the Jeremydiamond piped up. “They haven’t been completed yet.”

“Ahem, like I said, they’re out there. I’m sure you can understand, whatever difficulty may arise, this really isn’t my area of expertise, but I am in charge. Just listen to my stern, grave voice when I tell you quite frankly, there are a lot of moving parts.”

The T-Rump jumped in.

“Yes, s-o-o-o many moving parts. We’re not a shipping clerk. Or an order clerk. Or some kind of national supply chain organizer. Are you kidding me? That’s for all the 50 regions to figure out on their own. But we are cheering for dino regions everywhere. Just the red ones. Go, Grandoldparty, go!”

“Bum-budda-bum-bum.”

The T-Rump looked at the Jeremydiamond.

“Are you humming?”

“It’s known as scat singing.”

“Sounds terrible. You should have music with it.”

“Okay.”

And the music came.

 

Boom-boom-bah-bay … boom-boom-bah-baby … ba-ba-boom-ba-baby

Testing! … tracing down from me

Tracing down from you, we need much more

Under testing with numbers always down

Splits our nation in two

T-Rump with his tweets

 

Boom-bah-bah babe, boom-bah-bah babe, bee-deh-deh, bee-deh-deh

Not okay!

This virus is knowing

Just when you’re stepping out

While deep inside you’re screaming

“Stamp it out!”

 

Tomorrow gets more dire

Testing our patience, patients’ heart beats

 

Deh-deh-deh

Puh-deh-deh-puh-puh 

Okay.

Slippin’ around, social distance some more

Those were the days, we could just walk out the door

 

Bee-doh-ah-buh, bee-deh-up-bup-bup

Bee-doh-uh … bell-up!

Patience with tweets … be-duh-bee-ah-day

Patients heart beats … be-duh-bee-ah-day

 

This virus is knowing

Of when you’re stepping out

While deep inside you’re screaming

“Stamp it out!”

 

Tomorrow gets more dire, dire!

Testing our patience, patients’ heart beats

 

Turned off … by fake positives and leaders

T-Rump and Pence … two Grade-A jerks

Lies coming from above, always released with scorn

W-h-h-h-h-y, why, w-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!?

 

Test, test, test, test, test, test

His vanity laughs under testing

We’re dying

 

Can’t we test more, let’s take a stance

Why can’t we test more, no song and dance

Why can’t we test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more?

Cuz test’s such a challenging word

And test dares T-Rump to care for those who are all caught up in this blight

And test dares T-Rump to stop the deaths he has caused on his watch 

This is his last dance

This is our best chance

This is insane

 

Under testing

Under testing

Testing

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Stayin’ Home …

It was a three-day trek that came off as more of a scamper. The Davidbelisaurus and the Mariabelisaurus scampered north from Cactazona through Keno-Reno, Utah-whut-utah, Idaholindaspud and Hannah-Montana to finally arrive home where the Albertasaurae roam and the deer and the antelope are basically nervous wrecks.

These were dangerous times. Being a dinosaur had its drawbacks. There was always a hungry Stegosaurus around the next corner looking for some fast food take-out-your-tonsils. Add to that a new invisible enemy, a silent killer … the Coronavirus. Some dino had munched on some bad grub and dinos worldwide were now paying the price.

The Trudeausaurus had instructed the Davidbelisaurus and his mate to stay in their cave for 14 days. The dino rationale was simple. If the virus couldn’t find you, you wouldn’t get sick. Dinosaur health care had come a long way.

“14 days?” said his wife. “What are we going to do? Can I go see my mother?”

“‘Fraid not. It’s too dangerous.”

They heard voices down the path by the Spring Break Lagoon. Voices, laughter and uproarious merriment. Those damn teenage dinos, oblivious to potentially catching the virus. 

“Hey,” said Maria, “Who do they think they are?”

“They’re going to be the death of us all. Young, dumb and about as invincible as the lunch menu.”

Maria turned to him with concern in her eyes.

“Tell me again that we’re doing the right thing.”

“Sweetheart, you know we’re doing what must be done.”

“I know. I just needed to hear your voice. We’re going to be staring at these walls for awhile. Look,” she said, pointing to the cave wall before them. “The previous tenants weren’t even civilized enough to write anything on them.”

Her husband stepped forward and patted the wall for good measure.

“That will come in good time. Maybe in a million years or so. Then, perhaps there’ll be some other walnut brain to come along and lead civilization to a better place.”

“You mean like the T-Rump? I pray it doesn’t get this bad ever again.”

They fell silent, contemplating their current plight. David wrapped his short arm around his wife. He nuzzled her ear.

“Cheer up. I’ll sing you a song.”

“I don’t know. You’re always singing about the T-Rump. The T-Rump this, the T-Rump that. You know it triggers my menopause.”

“Just doing my best to fight his overwhelming penchant for revisionist history. Somebody has to get the dino story straight.”

“I know, dear.

They looked into each other’s eyes. His gaze told her he’d temper his words as best he could. And he sang …

 

I’m weary of all the headlines 

As I self isolate

I’m stayin’ in the only place

Where feelin’ good never was right wing

And this virus, we gotta break the chain 

 

Well, I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

So I’m stayin’ home

Well, I’m stayin’ home

 

The lies are gettin’ longer, it seems

Corona’s not the flu

And T-Rump can’t tell us what we need to do

So who can we turn to?

And I don’t want to die

But we’re forever on stand by

 

So I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

 

Don’t you dare go out that door!

Cuz you’re headed for a fall

You’re headed for a fall

It’s no time for some jaunt

Don’t you dare go out that door!

Cuz you’re headed for a fall

You’re headed for a fall

 

Oh, well I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

I said this place is, your face is solid gold

So I’m stayin’ home

I’m stayin’ home

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy. Sing along!