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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Blinded by Science …

The ever-glib Mediacircustops, the Johnberman, was speaking with that Tyrumposaurus’ Wheelin’ Dealin’ special advisor you can’t keep down try as you might — the Peternavarro. The special advisor was harping about a new potential cure from the hopeful-but-still-sour end of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.

The Johnberman sized up the Peternavarro. This was like raiding a dodo bird’s nest in broad daylight.

“Peter, the good dino doc, the Tonyfaucci, said that the data at best is merely suggestive. There may be an effect. Maybe no effect. You can’t definitively say this.”

“John, the doctor can speak for himself but I would have two words for you. Cash cow. Let’s just not mention the bad stuff, okay? There are numerous studies that show a slurp or two of this just may be good for what ails you. Like Coronavirus. Sounds kinda like Crohn’s Disease, doesn’t it? Heck, it just might cure that too.”

“Hang on, hang on, Peter. Inquiring dino minds want to know. What weeds on God’s green earth have you been eating to make you think you can for one instant question the medicine of Doctor Faucci?”

“It’s not just about me. Let me put you in touch with a few dino docs on our side of the fence, if you promise not to dig too deep into their credentials. They can speak a lot more eloquently than me on this.”

“I’ll bet.”

“It’s like this, John. Dino docs disagree all the time. That gives me every right to enter the fray because I’m a social scientist, a PHD …”

“I’m sorry, did you say PHD?”

“Post Hyper Dementia. You see, I understand how to read statistics — I call’em stats for short — I know how to read’em whether they’re in medicine or law, economics or whatever, astrology or women’s issues, feng shui or fictional characters …”

“I’m sorry, that doesn’t qualify you to treat patients. You know it doesn’t qualify you.”

“Hang on, John. John, John, John, John. … John. All I’m asking is for you to understand. Just think a little outside that square thing, okay.”

“Dinos are going to be buried in that square thing.”

“Okay, okay. I admit it. You’re backing me into a corner now. My teeth are showing, John. Hear me growl. There are down sides to this. In some cases there are — God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, the T-Rump is going to kill me — negative effects.

“Not to put too fine a point on it. You mean deadly.”

The Peternavarro shrugged.

“Heart, vision, probably a few other things as well. Of course, the dino patient and doctor might want to talk it over first. I’m just here to get w-a-a-a-y out in front of it.”

“Peter, I’ve spoken with a few dino docs and they have been unanimous in their response. We don’t know. So, let’s be clear here, you are a social scientist dino with no medical training whatsoever who says that this is the cure. Why should we listen to you and not Doctor Faucci?

“Because it takes two dinos to have a debate and you know what, that reminds me. I’m gonna go and give that Doctor Faucci another piece of my mind. So you have a story for tomorrow. Did I tell you I know the finer points of publicity?”

With that, the Peternavarro up and left, a sneer on his face he couldn’t wait to put to good use.

The next day the Johnberman was strolling down a path in the neighborhood when he caught sight of a familiar image. It was the Peternavarro off to the side of the path downwind. As the Mediacircustops veteran drew closer, he saw that the Peternavarro appeared agitated. He also looked a little rough around the gills. The Johnberman paused. Was the Peternavarro talking to himself? The Johnberman suddenly felt a pang of guilt for raking the special advisor over the coals the previous day. He reached out to him.

“Peter, are you okay?”

Startled, the Peternavarro jumped back a foot. There was a wild look in his eyes as he looked past the Johnberman, seeing him but not seeing him, raising his short arms to the sky.

 

Ha!

It’s hydroxychloroquine

T-Rump’s doctors said to me

As sweet as any potion

So I spoke to Doctor Faucci

But he blinded me with science

He blinded me with science! 

He told me to efficacy

 

Yeah

Second opinion, right here

Science! 

I know nineteen chemicals

Science! 

Science! 

 

No, but it’s hydroxychloroquine

T-Rump’s doctors said to me

As sweet as any potion

When I spoke to Doctor Faucci

He blinded me with science

He blinded me with science! 

What’s therapeutically?

 

Did you know I’m a P–H–D?

Science!

I really like to study, you see

Science!

 

Ha! It’s hydroxychloroquine

A miracle, sure to be

No deaths in this promotion

But then that Doctor Faucci

He blinded me with science

He blinded me with science! 

You know I’m not some wannabe

 

Listen, I know medicine or law or whatever 

 

Cuz

Because I’ve got …

Qual-ifi-kay-shuns

I read for social, science and for fun!

Don’t call me a liar

For all my quotes

And all my crazy notions

But it’s Hydroxychloroquine

All these doctors said to me

As sweet as any potion

But then that damn Doctor Faucci

Huh, he blinded me with science

He blinded me with science! 

He blinded me with …

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Stayin’ Home …

It was a three-day trek that came off as more of a scamper. The Davidbelisaurus and the Mariabelisaurus scampered north from Cactazona through Keno-Reno, Utah-whut-utah, Idaholindaspud and Hannah-Montana to finally arrive home where the Albertasaurae roam and the deer and the antelope are basically nervous wrecks.

These were dangerous times. Being a dinosaur had its drawbacks. There was always a hungry Stegosaurus around the next corner looking for some fast food take-out-your-tonsils. Add to that a new invisible enemy, a silent killer … the Coronavirus. Some dino had munched on some bad grub and dinos worldwide were now paying the price.

The Trudeausaurus had instructed the Davidbelisaurus and his mate to stay in their cave for 14 days. The dino rationale was simple. If the virus couldn’t find you, you wouldn’t get sick. Dinosaur health care had come a long way.

“14 days?” said his wife. “What are we going to do? Can I go see my mother?”

“‘Fraid not. It’s too dangerous.”

They heard voices down the path by the Spring Break Lagoon. Voices, laughter and uproarious merriment. Those damn teenage dinos, oblivious to potentially catching the virus. 

“Hey,” said Maria, “Who do they think they are?”

“They’re going to be the death of us all. Young, dumb and about as invincible as the lunch menu.”

Maria turned to him with concern in her eyes.

“Tell me again that we’re doing the right thing.”

“Sweetheart, you know we’re doing what must be done.”

“I know. I just needed to hear your voice. We’re going to be staring at these walls for awhile. Look,” she said, pointing to the cave wall before them. “The previous tenants weren’t even civilized enough to write anything on them.”

Her husband stepped forward and patted the wall for good measure.

“That will come in good time. Maybe in a million years or so. Then, perhaps there’ll be some other walnut brain to come along and lead civilization to a better place.”

“You mean like the T-Rump? I pray it doesn’t get this bad ever again.”

They fell silent, contemplating their current plight. David wrapped his short arm around his wife. He nuzzled her ear.

“Cheer up. I’ll sing you a song.”

“I don’t know. You’re always singing about the T-Rump. The T-Rump this, the T-Rump that. You know it triggers my menopause.”

“Just doing my best to fight his overwhelming penchant for revisionist history. Somebody has to get the dino story straight.”

“I know, dear.

They looked into each other’s eyes. His gaze told her he’d temper his words as best he could. And he sang …

 

I’m weary of all the headlines 

As I self isolate

I’m stayin’ in the only place

Where feelin’ good never was right wing

And this virus, we gotta break the chain 

 

Well, I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

So I’m stayin’ home

Well, I’m stayin’ home

 

The lies are gettin’ longer, it seems

Corona’s not the flu

And T-Rump can’t tell us what we need to do

So who can we turn to?

And I don’t want to die

But we’re forever on stand by

 

So I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

 

Don’t you dare go out that door!

Cuz you’re headed for a fall

You’re headed for a fall

It’s no time for some jaunt

Don’t you dare go out that door!

Cuz you’re headed for a fall

You’re headed for a fall

 

Oh, well I’m stayin’ home

Safe in the place where I belong

And where the laughter has always been free

I’m not some crumb-bum

I’m right inside, outside is wrong

I don’t regret these four walls ‘round me

Cuz this place is, your face is solid gold

I said this place is, your face is solid gold

So I’m stayin’ home

I’m stayin’ home

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy. Sing along!