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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Under Testing …

The Jaredkushner raised his haughty, haute couture snout.

“The extreme liberal left is railing against us when they should be celebrating our impeccable performance and saying lots of nice things about us. Everybody knows this is a great success story.”

“Excuse me?” It was the Jeremydiamond, raising his short arm in protest. “You aren’t trying to white wash the deaths of 60,000 dinos, are you?”

“Oh, I hardly think it was that many. When numbers get that high, I can only think of moolah-moolah. Let’s not get lost in the facts when I can go on at length with vague innuendo, half-baked hutzpah and plenty of partisan spin.”

“That’s great, just great, Jared.” The T-Rump beamed to the gathered Mediacircustops. “Isn’t he the perfect son-in-law?”

“T-Rump,” asked the Jeremydiamond.

“No can do. I know what you’re going to ask me about. That damn testing.”

“Dinos want to know, when is it going to ramp up? We need to get to 20 million tests per day.”

“Didn’t you hear the dino doctor Admiralgiroir here? He said we couldn’t do 5 million tests per day if our lives depended on it. They do, so we won’t. Actually, we’re getting close to 20 million tests per day now.”

“You’re only at 300,000.”

“Oh, we’ll be there pretty soon. 20 million. I just have to keep saying it because my dinos believe anything I say. … Now that you mention it, do we really need all this testing? I mean really. What’s in it for me?”

“Responsibility? Stewardship? Your re-election?”

“Now you’re talking. The Mincepencenow. Mike, isn’t it time for you to step in here and prove your gratuitous, lapdog dependence upon me?”

“Of course, my esteemed, brilliant leader. I remain at your beck and call. Thank you for allowing me to get those 4 million tests out.”

“And they’re still out there,” the Jeremydiamond piped up. “They haven’t been completed yet.”

“Ahem, like I said, they’re out there. I’m sure you can understand, whatever difficulty may arise, this really isn’t my area of expertise, but I am in charge. Just listen to my stern, grave voice when I tell you quite frankly, there are a lot of moving parts.”

The T-Rump jumped in.

“Yes, s-o-o-o many moving parts. We’re not a shipping clerk. Or an order clerk. Or some kind of national supply chain organizer. Are you kidding me? That’s for all the 50 regions to figure out on their own. But we are cheering for dino regions everywhere. Just the red ones. Go, Grandoldparty, go!”

“Bum-budda-bum-bum.”

The T-Rump looked at the Jeremydiamond.

“Are you humming?”

“It’s known as scat singing.”

“Sounds terrible. You should have music with it.”

“Okay.”

And the music came.

 

Boom-boom-bah-bay … boom-boom-bah-baby … ba-ba-boom-ba-baby

Testing! … tracing down from me

Tracing down from you, we need much more

Under testing with numbers always down

Splits our nation in two

T-Rump with his tweets

 

Boom-bah-bah babe, boom-bah-bah babe, bee-deh-deh, bee-deh-deh

Not okay!

This virus is knowing

Just when you’re stepping out

While deep inside you’re screaming

“Stamp it out!”

 

Tomorrow gets more dire

Testing our patience, patients’ heart beats

 

Deh-deh-deh

Puh-deh-deh-puh-puh 

Okay.

Slippin’ around, social distance some more

Those were the days, we could just walk out the door

 

Bee-doh-ah-buh, bee-deh-up-bup-bup

Bee-doh-uh … bell-up!

Patience with tweets … be-duh-bee-ah-day

Patients heart beats … be-duh-bee-ah-day

 

This virus is knowing

Of when you’re stepping out

While deep inside you’re screaming

“Stamp it out!”

 

Tomorrow gets more dire, dire!

Testing our patience, patients’ heart beats

 

Turned off … by fake positives and leaders

T-Rump and Pence … two Grade-A jerks

Lies coming from above, always released with scorn

W-h-h-h-h-y, why, w-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!?

 

Test, test, test, test, test, test

His vanity laughs under testing

We’re dying

 

Can’t we test more, let’s take a stance

Why can’t we test more, no song and dance

Why can’t we test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more, test more?

Cuz test’s such a challenging word

And test dares T-Rump to care for those who are all caught up in this blight

And test dares T-Rump to stop the deaths he has caused on his watch 

This is his last dance

This is our best chance

This is insane

 

Under testing

Under testing

Testing

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Bad Medicine …

The Oval Dwelling dino aides sitting off to the side of Monday’s Coronavirus briefing nervously nibbled their claws down to the bone. What jaw-dropping words would come from the Tyrumposaurus’ yap today? There had been much discussion over the weekend that after Thursday’s crackpot theories for a virus cure and Friday when he’d been stone cold mum, that maybe trotting the leader of Dino Nation out to these briefings was a bad idea getting worse. The T-Rump empire was on shaky ground. But there he stood at the flat rock lectern, ready to bamboozle the assembled Mediacircustops.

“I know many of you thought I wasn’t going to be here today. So, because I always do the opposite of what you expect, here I am. Change is good. Chaos is better. I said last week I wasn’t serious. I was being sarcastic. Just because dinos are dying doesn’t mean I can’t crack a joke.”

“T-Rump,” asked the Jimacosta. “Where are the Tonyfauci and the Deborahbirx?”

“They are not here because if they were … well, you know … I might start m-u-u-u-u-s-i-n-g again and you all know where that got us. Me and my musing.”

“But they’re the experts on the virus. Especially how to stop it.”

“Hold on. You stop right there. You will speak when spoken to. Got that? I am the expert.”

“T-Rump.” It was the Kaitlyncollins.

“What is it? I thought I put you in the back row.”

“I’d like to ask a question of the Mincepencenow.”

“Well. I suppose.”

The T-Rump gave way at the lectern to his second in command. The T-Rump didn’t stray too far however, able to jump in at the slightest vanity.

“Mincepencenow,” began the Kaitlyncollins, “Do you think the T-Rump is crazy? As in being unfit to be the leader of Dino Nation?”

The Mincepencenow visibly winced, his face registering shock and awe. It took a second for him to regain his composure.

“How come you paused?” snapped the T-Rump.

“I’m so very sorry, dear, respected T-Rump of triumphant proportions. The question threw me.”

“I’ll throw you alright.”

“I have a follow up question,” the Kaitlyncollins said hopefully. “At what point, let me rephrase that. Ahem. How bad does it have to get before you and Mother seriously consider moving into the Oval Dwelling? Have you had that discussion yet?”

“Uh … Mother, uh …” The Mincepencenow was seriously sidetracked because he had had that conversation with her. Only yesterday.

The T-Rump jumped to the lectern.

“Don’t ‘mother’ me. How can you think about her at a time like this? My starring role is in peril here.”

The Kaitlyncollins was on a roll. The other Mediacircustops all had their short arms down in solidarity. She was front row center.

“Excuse me, T-Rump. Dinos are dying and you’re just worried about your popularity? Again?” 

“I can worry about two things at once. Like my ratings yesterday.”

There was an awkward pause.

“And?”

“Oh. Well. My ratings two days ago of course.”

“T-Rump, you claim to have 29 million slurps in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir of your one-time game-changing cure. What are you going to do with it now that –”

“Don’t say it. Don’t you say it. Fake, fake, fake-ity fake fake news.”

“Well?”

“I’ll tell you what.” 

He puffed out his chest and began moving his short arms emphatically in front of him, as if measuring the size of a fish he caught. A similar thought raced through the minds of those present. Here we go again. 

“I’ll have you know, I have a very tough job up here. The toughest job a dino has ever had in several lifetimes. But I never complain. I just have to get the word out. That’s all. Because it’s all about word-of-mouth. Look, I’ve been squatting here for five minutes. You know what time that makes it? Self-promotion time. Listen up …”

 

You know, I’ve got bad medicine

Bad medicine is what you need

Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine

I’m the only one to cure this disease

 

Bad medicine

 

I’m a stable genius, this comes natural to me 

And injecting disinfectant may be just the remedy

And I got great ideas because they are what you need

Like taking some bright light and shining it internally

In case you got the symptoms, count’em 1, 2, 3

 

It’s my greed

That’s what you get for listenin’ to me

Pee-Pee-Eee

You get a little, not a lot from me

I hear you beggin’, “Please!”

That’s what you get for listenin’ to me

Hy-droxy-chloro-quine, gonna give you the shrug

 

Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine

Bad medicine is what you need

Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine

I’m the only one to cure this disease

 

Bad, bad medicine

 

Now that I have these doctors with me here up on the hill

So while I may talk for hours, they are only here to fill

A word for all those down in front — the ones I’d like to smack

Just look at all these doctors here who pat me on the back

You’re dyin’ anyway, so what’s a heart attack?

 

It’s my greed

That’s what you get for listenin’ to me

Pee-Pee-Eee

You get a little, not a lot from me

I hear you beggin’, “Please!”

That’s what you get for listenin’ to me

Hy-droxy-chloro-quine, gonna give you the shrug

 

Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine

Bad medicine is what you need

Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine

Let me play doctor, I’ll cure this disease

 

Bad, bad medicine

Is what you want

Bad, bad medicine

Is what you need

 

You need a ventilator ‘cause you’re gettin’ close to death

I’ll see if I can find one, then I’ll send it somewhere else

So for now I’ll try to find some kinda pill for you 

You should try it, you may like it … just your life to lose

 

Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine

Bad medicine is what you need

Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine

I’m the only one to cure this disease

 

I’ve got—bad medicine

Bad medicine is what you need

Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine

I got the notion I can cure this disease

 

Bad, bad medicine

Is what you want

Bad, bad medicine

It’s bad, really bad

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!