The Oval Dwelling dino aides sitting off to the side of Monday’s Coronavirus briefing nervously nibbled their claws down to the bone. What jaw-dropping words would come from the Tyrumposaurus’ yap today? There had been much discussion over the weekend that after Thursday’s crackpot theories for a virus cure and Friday when he’d been stone cold mum, that maybe trotting the leader of Dino Nation out to these briefings was a bad idea getting worse. The T-Rump empire was on shaky ground. But there he stood at the flat rock lectern, ready to bamboozle the assembled Mediacircustops.
“I know many of you thought I wasn’t going to be here today. So, because I always do the opposite of what you expect, here I am. Change is good. Chaos is better. I said last week I wasn’t serious. I was being sarcastic. Just because dinos are dying doesn’t mean I can’t crack a joke.”
“T-Rump,” asked the Jimacosta. “Where are the Tonyfauci and the Deborahbirx?”
“They are not here because if they were … well, you know … I might start m-u-u-u-u-s-i-n-g again and you all know where that got us. Me and my musing.”
“But they’re the experts on the virus. Especially how to stop it.”
“Hold on. You stop right there. You will speak when spoken to. Got that? I am the expert.”
“T-Rump.” It was the Kaitlyncollins.
“What is it? I thought I put you in the back row.”
“I’d like to ask a question of the Mincepencenow.”
“Well. I suppose.”
The T-Rump gave way at the lectern to his second in command. The T-Rump didn’t stray too far however, able to jump in at the slightest vanity.
“Mincepencenow,” began the Kaitlyncollins, “Do you think the T-Rump is crazy? As in being unfit to be the leader of Dino Nation?”
The Mincepencenow visibly winced, his face registering shock and awe. It took a second for him to regain his composure.
“How come you paused?” snapped the T-Rump.
“I’m so very sorry, dear, respected T-Rump of triumphant proportions. The question threw me.”
“I’ll throw you alright.”
“I have a follow up question,” the Kaitlyncollins said hopefully. “At what point, let me rephrase that. Ahem. How bad does it have to get before you and Mother seriously consider moving into the Oval Dwelling? Have you had that discussion yet?”
“Uh … Mother, uh …” The Mincepencenow was seriously sidetracked because he had had that conversation with her. Only yesterday.
The T-Rump jumped to the lectern.
“Don’t ‘mother’ me. How can you think about her at a time like this? My starring role is in peril here.”
The Kaitlyncollins was on a roll. The other Mediacircustops all had their short arms down in solidarity. She was front row center.
“Excuse me, T-Rump. Dinos are dying and you’re just worried about your popularity? Again?”
“I can worry about two things at once. Like my ratings yesterday.”
There was an awkward pause.
“And?”
“Oh. Well. My ratings two days ago of course.”
“T-Rump, you claim to have 29 million slurps in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir of your one-time game-changing cure. What are you going to do with it now that –”
“Don’t say it. Don’t you say it. Fake, fake, fake-ity fake fake news.”
“Well?”
“I’ll tell you what.”
He puffed out his chest and began moving his short arms emphatically in front of him, as if measuring the size of a fish he caught. A similar thought raced through the minds of those present. Here we go again.
“I’ll have you know, I have a very tough job up here. The toughest job a dino has ever had in several lifetimes. But I never complain. I just have to get the word out. That’s all. Because it’s all about word-of-mouth. Look, I’ve been squatting here for five minutes. You know what time that makes it? Self-promotion time. Listen up …”
You know, I’ve got bad medicine
Bad medicine is what you need
Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine
I’m the only one to cure this disease
Bad medicine
I’m a stable genius, this comes natural to me
And injecting disinfectant may be just the remedy
And I got great ideas because they are what you need
Like taking some bright light and shining it internally
In case you got the symptoms, count’em 1, 2, 3
It’s my greed
That’s what you get for listenin’ to me
Pee-Pee-Eee
You get a little, not a lot from me
I hear you beggin’, “Please!”
That’s what you get for listenin’ to me
Hy-droxy-chloro-quine, gonna give you the shrug
Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine
Bad medicine is what you need
Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine
I’m the only one to cure this disease
Bad, bad medicine
Now that I have these doctors with me here up on the hill
So while I may talk for hours, they are only here to fill
A word for all those down in front — the ones I’d like to smack
Just look at all these doctors here who pat me on the back
You’re dyin’ anyway, so what’s a heart attack?
It’s my greed
That’s what you get for listenin’ to me
Pee-Pee-Eee
You get a little, not a lot from me
I hear you beggin’, “Please!”
That’s what you get for listenin’ to me
Hy-droxy-chloro-quine, gonna give you the shrug
Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine
Bad medicine is what you need
Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine
Let me play doctor, I’ll cure this disease
Bad, bad medicine
Is what you want
Bad, bad medicine
Is what you need
You need a ventilator ‘cause you’re gettin’ close to death
I’ll see if I can find one, then I’ll send it somewhere else
So for now I’ll try to find some kinda pill for you
You should try it, you may like it … just your life to lose
Wo-oh-oh, you know, I’ve got bad medicine
Bad medicine is what you need
Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine
I’m the only one to cure this disease
I’ve got—bad medicine
Bad medicine is what you need
Wo-oh-oh, talk it up, this is bad medicine
I got the notion I can cure this disease
Bad, bad medicine
Is what you want
Bad, bad medicine
It’s bad, really bad
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 