Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Bye-Bye, Priebusunderbus …

Today I ventured into the west side of the oval dwelling and was able to trace more of the Priebusunderbus, you guessed it, from the Trump Dump. The technology is so good these days, we can go back 70 million years to a particular day. Which enables me to recreate the last meeting between the Tyrumposaurus and the Priebusunderbus. It went something like this …

“You’re always at the door,” said the T-Rump. “I wanted to talk to you. Come on in.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. That Scaramunchkin got the drop on me yesterday, but I’m okay. I still have my family.”

The T-Rump ignored him. He nodded to the water trickling down the dwelling’s walls. I still see leaks around here. Leaks!

“A dinosaur can only do so much.”

“How many times do I have to say it? I want to make this oval dwelling great again.”

“Of course. That’s great. Right on.”

The T-Rump yawned.

“Without you.”

The Priebusunerbus was visibly shaken, quaking the earth.

“Oh. You want me to leave? But I just got here. The family’s still at Cheesehead Formation.”

The T-Rump nodded to the leaks. The Priebusunderbus bowed his parrot-like beak.

“Okay. Right. I, I just wanted to thank you for everything. I’m still your number one dino. I’ll be off now. Any particular direction you want me to go?

“That’s a good idea.”

“Glad I could help. Er, … whatever it was I said.”

“Different direction. What do you think about the Marinegunkelly?”

“Marinegunkelly? He’ll be extinct before me. You don’t want to hit that reset button. Believe me.

“Answer the question!”

The Priebusunderbus was dying inside but he wouldn’t let the T-Rump see it.

“He’s great. Just great. Any reset button is fine. Any time. Any place. Any dinosaur.

“Are you done?”

“Yeah, sure. But before I go though, I just wanted to share my favorite moment. It was right here on the west side of the oval dwelling. The majesty of this place. The smell of your first kill, that single-billed Orderexecutivus. You did it all on your own, no help needed from the other Tyrumposaurae or Donkeycongrus. That, that was special.

The T-Rump flashed his toothy grin.

“That was a big one. A great one!”

The only one, thought the Priebusunderbus as he slowly turned and slogged away to greener flatlands.

Categories
Rants & Raves

U.S. Health Care Solution — CHINUP

The Republican health care disaster this week, culminating seven years of failed proposals, prompted my wife and I to sit down and offer a hand. I set a timer for seven minutes, in which time we came up with the following. The CHINUP plan for America.

  • Everyone is covered
  • Health care is virtually free
  • Insurance companies no longer sell health insurance
  • 25-30% of federal government’s tax revenue goes to CHINUP
  • CHINUP money is distributed to the states on a per capita basis
  • Medicaid and Planned Parenthood are included in CHINUP
  • Each state sets up its own health care, doctors and hospitals
  • Each citizen makes additional token contribution to their state
  • State issues health card to each person with proof of citizenship
  • The state’s doctors have a salary cap that the feds oversee
  • The state’s hospitals are non-profit, also overseen by the feds
  • Privatization is available for certain elective services

CHINUP is basically a model observed by industrialized nations worldwide. It is immoral to capitalize on a person’s health. There is no magic formula to satisfy doctors, hospitals and insurance companies all focused on increasing their respective profit margins. The past seven years and Obamacare have taught this to Republicans and Democrats alike.

Health is the one item capitalism cannot — and shouldn’t — conquer.

Categories
Satire

King Crushing Republican Congress …

Seven years ago, the Republican Party promised a new health care package to replace Obamacare the minute they were elected.

During that time, Stephen King has written 9 novels totaling 4,823 pages. All by himself.

 

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Will Scaramunchkin Throw Priebusunderbus?

You recall in my last report there were leaks in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir attributed to the Crookadillary. With today’s discovery of two new dinosaurs — that’s 40 if you’re keeping score at home* — there are new talons pointing to the cause of these leaks.

The most vocal tail-wagger is the Scaramunchkin, a small Minnymeesaurid from Lower Mongolia. He has a stout body with a short, thick neck, short forelimbs and tall hind legs. The dome of his head has a row of small bony spikes and bumps. Absent from all other species, the Scaramunchkin has a posterior parietal (rear skull bone) that restricts his frontal dome.

Again, this is after careful paleo-political analysis, but the Scaramunchkin was basically calling out all senior members of the Tyrumposaurae, particularly a member of the Sub Family Underbus.

I’m referring to the Priebusunderbus, a lactosian dinosaur originally found in the Cheesehead Formation of present-day Wisconsin. This species has a parrot-like beak and is a fierce gate-keeper of his oval dwelling.

The Priebusunderbus has thus far remained silent but make no mistake, the Scaramunchkin is making direct communication and moving in with a vengeance.

* We have now uncovered more skeletons at Puhl-DePlugg than the infamous dig at Trickydick-Milhouse Mud Flats.
Categories
Satire

Revised Yardbirds Lineup Now Available!

They’re all here. The front page faces, the hard-to-spell names and the incredible Russian-American comradery on the day most say “it all came together.” Relive all the drama from June 9, 2016.

Soon to be available in a 24” x 36” authentic regulation welcome mat. You’ll be the envy of your neighborhood as you arrive home every day to wipe your feet on your favorite Yardbirds!

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

The Pond Talk …

If I could read dinosaurs minds, what a tale they’d tell. Maybe it’s because I fell asleep last night listening to Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind. At any rate, today I found tell-tale bones from fossils T-Rump, Sessionsopus, Crookadillary, Comeyonius, Putinodon and Muellersavus landing in my lap. I quickly pieced together the story.

The Sessionsopus had been a trail blazer for the T-Rump, parting the weeds across the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. The T-Rump took him under his tail and they happily coexisted — until the day they came across the Crookadillary at a pond behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. These bones speak to me. Here’s what they say:

“Ohmigod,” said the T-Rump. “The Crookadillary! On my pond. Can you believe it? Prove your loyalty. Attack!”

“But look at her, she’s beaten already. What’s the point?”

“And you call yourself a saurapod? You’re just another quadrupedal herbivore. A herbivore with no teeth. Face it. You’re beleaguered! BE-LEE-GRRED!”

“I have friends on the Hill. Right over there.”

The T-Rump rolled his eyes. The Sessionsopus pushed on.

“I did help you beat the Comeyonius.” 

“You’re my assistant gofer. My A.G. What have you done for me lately? Remember the Putinodon? One look and you hid in the bushes. You HID. Out of sight.”

“Excuse me, I excused myself.”

“What kind of dinosaur excuses himself? Why are you even with me?”

“I play nice with the other Donkeycongrus.”

“That’s a weak answer. VERY weak!”

“You can bully me all you want. I’m not going anywhere. I owe it to the Continental Divide.”

“Isn’t that sweet?” said the T-Rump. “You sound just like the Muellersavus.”

The Crookadillary straightened and lumbered away from the pond. 

“Look what she did!” the T-Rump bellowed. “She destroyed my pond!”

“It’s leaking.”

“And you just stand there. I’m disappointed. I wanted you to be tougher on leaks. They’re leaking like rarely have they ever leaked before.”

The T-Rump watched the departing Crookadillary.

“That’s it. Run! A pox on you of 30,000 snails!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Snail fossils are so very small.

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

The T-Rump Dump …

More news for my unique sedimentary layer classification process known as the T-Rump Tower Profile. I struck pay dirt at the lowest level of dirt. I’m calling it the T-Rump Dump. These are the skeletons of dinosaurs that simply got in the T-Rump’s way. For several it was a fall from grace, when they were fully grazing on the Steppes of Liberteez Shield —the site of present-day Puhl-DePlugg. These dinosaurs were chewed up and spit out. The jaws of the T-Rump were merciless. Each of the specimens I discovered had mostly crushed vertebrae. It’s clear the Tyrumposaurus backed up and walked over them again.

Thus far, I emphasize thus far, the T-Rump Dump dinosaurs include …

The Flynnalexus — a bipedaling herbivore with a small head and a long neck. His name is derived from the Latin word for “pickle.”

The Sallyatesaur — a small sauropod with a short neck and stubby limbs who got in the way of the T-Rump’s migratory patterns and paid dearly for it.

The Comeyonus — a carnivorous theropod with an elegant, refined jaw. This turkey-sized prey looked to be easy pickings for the T-Rump, but must have caused massive indigestion.

And finally the Spicerator, a Mediacircustops-chasing malcontentian dinosaur. He had a very rough outer surface that rubbed the T-Rump the wrong way. They were never on the same page.

Waiting for the next dinosaur bone to drop. That’s the kind of watering hole Puhl-DePlugg was during the height — or depth — of the Trumpassic Period.

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Sessionsopus & Muellersavus!

Sometimes the bones whisper. Sometimes they scream. Today was a screaming day at Puhl-DePlugg. These weren’t shouts of jubilation at the discovery of yet two more dinosaurs. This brings the total to a staggering 35. The fossilized commotion instead had the T-Rump appearing to snipe back at the two new dinos: the Sessionsopus and the Muellersavus.

The Sessionopus was a maximus-justis sauropod with a relatively complete skull. The Muellersavus meanwhile, was a titano-investigatis ankylosaurid whose bones offer a pristine view into the intricate strata of the Kremlinville Close-Mouthed Plot — the latest sedimentary layer in my T-Rump Tower classification. Its dark depth is massive.

It appears, in paleo-political parlance, that the Sessionsopus had, as a matter of course, recused himself outside of the T-Rump’s reach. This obviously left the T-Rump seething and taking aim next at the Muellersavus. There’s a curious red line in the sand between them. This may have something to do with their mytaxes returnis. This is the thick layer of green skin that dinosaurs shed each spring. It’s a painful process that all dinosaurs must undergo. Except for the T-Rump.

Walnut-sized brains aside, I can’t explain why the dinosaurs close to the T-Rump are okay with this. It can only mark the first contagious psychological disease of the Trumpassic Period. Following extensive rock-turning analysis, I have dubbed it the Lost Our Logic Syndrome or LOL.

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Then There Were 8 …

How many dinosaurs can you fit in a phone booth? We’re now up to eight. That’s the problem with the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. I was hoping for more transparency between the T-Rump and the Mediacircustops because the T-Rump is indeed cratering. Tis better to laugh than cry however. Sift on, Macduff! That would be my trusty dirt box. (Sift. Sift. Sift.)

The eighth dinosaur is the Kaveladzoma, yet another member of the Sub-Family Kayjeebeeops. Yes, you guessed it. He’s linked closely to the Agalarovenator. They’re both Lamborghinius — racing field lizards — from the Mid-to-High Crustaceous-Crocus Group Period. The Kaveladzoma, a voracious but tidy herbivore, was known to have washed his greens 1.4 billion times on 2000 different banks of the Russo-Delaware Broker Ridge.

The T-Rump may have thought this was merely an instant in time but why so many Kayjeebeeops in one place? Were the Akhmetshinesia, Kaveladzoma and Goldsopranos, a ten-ton sycophantae sauropod from the Jersey Shore Shelf all there merely to facilitate a meeting regarding baby dinos the Veselnitschemus and the T-Rump’s horde? Did this have anything to do with her being mere dirt-throwing distance from the Crookadillary?

Downward ho, Macduff! That’s paleontology! That’s politics!