David Belisle

The Tymelania looked scornfully down her long, scaly snout at her husband, the Tyrumposaurus.

“I cannot … I will not take this any more. I am tired of the way the other dinosaurs treat me. I say Be Best and they laugh. That is not Be Best. That is Be Wildly Wicked. Wildly wicked, I’m telling you.”

With her thick accent, her w’s sounded like throaty, drawn-out v’s. Wildly wicked sounded like ‘vildly vicked.’

“Vickie? Vicky who? I’m sorry, Tymelania. What were you saying?”

“T-Rump, you are not even listening to me! What is wrong with you?”

“Well, excuse me. There’s this little thing going on right now — an impeachment? Only the third time in history. That’s me, thank you very much. Could you maybe cut me some slack. Just a teensy little bit?”

She had to give him that. Still, the way he treated her. She felt like she’d been tossed out of the Oval Dwelling herself a long time ago. About two days after moving in. Think of Baron. Think of Baron. Her mind played over those three words, her soothing, daily mantra.

“What can I do for you? What is? I will listen. I will be best.”

“What is it? Are you blind?”

“I think you mean deaf.”

“I’m being impeached for crying out loud. And I didn’t even do anything wrong! It was the perfect conversation.”

“You mean like the one we’re having now? Okay. I listened to you. Now you will listen to me.”

God, he hated when she said it like that. Like he owed it to her. He didn’t owe her anything. He’d beat the damn pre-nup. No, he didn’t owe anybody anything. The authorities were idiots. They were all wrong.

“Okay, okay,” he said, in a fake attempt to calm things down. “You’re right. I should probably listen to you more. I just need you to listen to my new song first. Then I will give you some moolah-moolah and meet with you later.”

“This is me you’re talking to. Not the Zelensky! And I am not going to listen to your song. It only makes me angry. How can you sing when I’m so upset? Do you even see my frown?”

She turned in a huff and left.

“Fine!” He hollered after her. “I will sing it myself. And listen to it myself. I’m doing everything by myself. Because I am the stable genius. Remember?”

With that he was in the perfect mood. A melancholy state that lent itself to the low-key mental state required for his latest musical lamentation.

Well I need more lawyers to talk more smack 

Waitin’ on Giuliani

But Mitch don’t want Rudy here no more

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor pitiful me

Why are they doin’ this to me?

They’re all dopes and babies!

Woe woe is me

Well, all my cronies, the swamp neighborhood

We’re all just playin’ games

Well, Pelosi worked me over good

Just like Letitia James

Yes, they said impeachment was for good

They are a disgrace to their gender

If I change one falsehood, Lord

My base will go on a bender

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor pitiful me

Levparnas won’t let me be

Get Williambarr for me

Woe woe is me

Well, I had a bad dream the other day

Caused me lots of trauma

McCain picked me up and threw me down

He said “You ain’t no Obama.”

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor pitiful me

Adamschiff won’t let me be

Dershowitz works for free

Woe woe is me

Poor poor poor me

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor poor me

Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor poor me

Poor poor pitiful me

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Igorfruman looked outside his cave and sighed. He was under cave arrest. His wife had left him the week before, leaving him with their three children in this dank 200-square foot cave. He couldn’t even take his kids to school. He worried about having to home-school them. If he taught them, would that necessarily lead them to a life of crime?

He kicked a stone in frustration. That damn Levparnas. Oh, sure, they’d once been good buddies. He’d introduced Lev to all his Ukraine Plain contacts who then immediately fell in line when the Rudygiuliani told them that Lev was working on behalf of the Tyrumposaurus himself. Part of the T-Rump team. Part of the cult.

Everything was sailing along until he and Lev were busted for bringing moolah-moolah leaves into the Milkanhoney Preservation and spreading them amongst eager Grandoldparty dinos. Dinos who even more eagerly gave the moolah-moolah back after he and Lev were popped.

But then the Levparnas had done something strange. He decided to talk. No sane dino with Russodino ties ever talked. It was a surefire recipe for extinction. Except history would be recorded differently. The Levparnas spoke with the trail-blazing Mediacircustops dino, the Rachelmaddow, and became an overnight sensation. So much so that Grandoldparty dinos were quaking in their footsteps. It was Levparnas this, Levparnas that. They were even singing songs about him now. Well, one song anyway. But they sung it a lot. Every hour on the hour, some new hip, young group of dinos would saunter past his cave, wailing away. This of course made it rather difficult to get the song out of his mind.

He heard footsteps coming down the path. Yep. Top of the hour. More Levparnas. Look out.

The power of Lev is a bombshell thing

Lev Parnas secrets to expose the king

Make them squawk, make their heartbeats rev

Send them all reeling, that’s the power of Lev

The Ukraine scandal, spillin’ the beans

Now we know who’s on the B-L-T team

Yovanovitch, you see, was followed that night

Power of Lev, it brings the truth to light

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

It’s wrong, it’s corrupt, Lev knows it’s showtime 

Comin’ clean just saved his life

That’s the power of Lev

That’s the power of Lev

First time Pence felt it, mother got so mad

Pompeo felt it, he’ll lose all he had

But we’re all so glad for what Lev found

That’s the power that brings T-Rump down

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

It’s wrong, it’s corrupt, Lev knows it’s showtime

Comin’ clean just saved his life

We all want a trial that’s fair

But Mitch doesn’t care

So he can only spew

Every word so untrue 

Then with a little help from Kiev

You feel the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

Can you feel it?

Hmm-Hmm

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

Which big pig will be the first to squeal?

And Bolton, what will he reveal?

You feel the power, just feel the power of Lev

That’s the power, that’s the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

Feel the power of Lev

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Mikepompeo peeked over the endless rows of corn, in the heart of Kansas-of-Dorothy. At last. He’d maintained a low profile and managed to get out of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, putting plenty of swamp miles behind him.

He cursed his bad luck. The Rickwilson was right, everything the T-Rump touches dies. The Mikepompeo may well be dino enemy number one. Why hadn’t he stayed with the Langleyops dinos? Life was so much easier then. There it was his job to do shady dealings under the cover of night. Now he was exposed, out here in the daylight. He couldn’t cope. And the T-Rump brought out the worst in him. In everybody. Like a plague of angry, infested locusts that only knew one thing. How to lie. Lying was good. Lying saved your bacon. Lying kept you in the T-Rump’s good graces. Anything to continue the cover-up. The cover-up was all that mattered. He paused. How many cover-ups were they involved in? Too many. He’d cover up all right. Cover himself up with these husks and stalks of corn so no one would ever find him again. Ah, blessed quiet.

“Found you!”

Huh? Who was that? He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes of …

“The Mincepencenow? What are you doing here?”

“The same thing as you. Hiding.”

“Well, You can go find your own spot. This is my corn hole, dammit. Wait a minute, you’re alone. Did you run away from …”

“Mother?” The Mincepencenow hung his head. “Well, yes. At least for a little while.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, with this whole kerfuffle over the Iranosaurus thing, who knew what and when, the justification for killing the Soleimani …”

“Stop it, you’re driving me mad having to relive it again and again. Look around, I’m trying to get away from it.”

“Me too, but here’s the crazy thing, as to why I’m here. You see, there’s this song that I can’t get out of my head. Mother used to sing it to me … when I was younger.”

“You mean last week.”

“Okay, you got me. And well, it’s strange but the words have changed in my head to something new and it’s driving me batty. Like some stupid strawberry alarm clock.”

“You are nuts. What the hell is a strawberry alarm clock?

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. But the song, it goes, it goes …”

“You really don’t have to do this, Mike …”

“Oh, but I do. You know what they say. Misery is being away from mother. Move on over. Ahem.”

The corn stalks wavered, whisked and bent in the breeze as the Mencepencenow let loose the voices in his head.

Poor sense, negligence, government blind 

Briefings, messaging they can’t define

Embassies, number please, make up your mind

Intent and imminence, the color of crime

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

Little to win, but your job to lose

Intent and imminence, send in the clowns

Next day, next week, next time T-Rump’s down

Look at yourself, crook on the shelf, Pompeo

Look at yourself, crook on the shelf, Pompeo

Completely contradictory, they all knew

Benghazi, Soleimani, embarrassment due

Past event or Prince lament, wrong point of view 

Movements and all proof sent, nothin’ was new

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

You have to sin, with your soul to lose

Poor sense, negligence, government blind 

Briefings, messaging they can’t define

Embassies, number please, make up your mind

Intent and imminence, the color of crime

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

Once you’re in, you can only lose

Intent, imminence

Intent, imminence

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a 

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Oval Dwelling dino staffers scampered in all directions — away from the cantankerous commander in chief, the Tyrumposaurus. He was a dino not to be stifled or trifled with as he paced the large cave in front of his second in command. No, not THAT second in command, the Mincepencenow, but the senior Kentucky Gobbler, the Moscowmitch. Think less yes-dino, more you-gotta-be-kidding-me.

“When are you going to start the damn impeachment trial?” asked the T-Rump.

“I told you. We have to wait for the Nancypelosi to give us the two articles of impeachment.”

“Only two? Hell, we can beat that.”

The Moscowmitch looked at him as one might a dino preparing to jump off a cliff boasting they will fly like a Pterodactyl.

“I’m sorry, T-Rump, I truly am, but we can’t allow the Donkeykongrus to have witnesses and evidence. We won’t stand a chance.”

“I’ll tell you who doesn’t stand a chance. That damn Whistleblower dino. That’s who. Expose him. I want a name. Make him an example for all Whistleblower dinos. Make them extinct. Extinct, dammit!”

“I – I hate it when you talk this way. It makes me question my own mortality.”

“Oh, don’t go getting religious on me.”

The Moscowmitch could only shake his head at the empty walnut before him. The T-Rump glared at him.

“What? What is it?”

“Why, nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Oh, it’s something alright. It’s the Iranosaurus thing, isn’t it?”

Three days before, on the T-Rump’s orders, the battle-hardened Iranosaurus guru, the Soleimani, had been killed in the Middle Eastlands.

The T-Rump huffed and puffed.

“It was the right thing to do. He was a b-a-a-a-d dino. The Obamarus had his chance and blew it. Not me. I took care of business. It was the perfect opportunity to make this impeachment trial. Go. Away.”

The Moscowmitch cringed and cast a wild glance around them.

“Forgive me, T-Rump, but are you insane? If any dino hears you say that …”

“What’s going to happen? Huh? What’s going to happen?”

The Moscowmitch could only go mum and stare at the ground in disbelief. The T-Rump smirked.

“That’s what I thought. And you know me. Time to double down.”

“Double down?”

“You’re going to squat right there and listen to my song about it.”

“You made a song about it?”

“Is there an echo in here? My vanity demanded it.”

“But, you can’t sing. I mean, I’m trying to forget the last time I … I mean, if you want me to listen to you, I guess I’ll have to … I mean, I will.” A deep sigh. “I will.”

“Well, don’t look so beat up about it. Oh, and hold onto your heart, Moscowmitch. I’m not taking any prisoners.” 

The Moscowmitch grimaced, the ground shook and the T-Rump sang. In no particular order.

I took down Soleimani

Cut him off at the knees

Yeah, I took down the devil

Cuz my religion agrees

Oh, they’re callin’ me crazy

This damn impeachment won’t die

Now I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head 

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Yes, I’m waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

Oh, I’m nobody’s angel  

I’m no Middle East star 

But I’ll send you to heaven

Because I have Williambarr

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Oh, just waggin’ the dog at home 

I’ll be the Tower of Babel, 

Cuz I do talk a lot

If I don’t like what you’re doin’

I’ll make it get hot — give it everything I got

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog

O-o-o-o-h, I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

Ow!

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1075 & 1079

This week’s T-Rump twofer features: Day 1075 — “The Waiting” … It’s a game the Moscow Mitch loves to play! … and Day 1079 — “I Think Alone” … The Rudygiuliani sidles up to the swamp and lets fly. Enjoy!

A wag of the tail to Tom Petty and George Thorogood.

A burp broke the still night, reverberating off the Rudygiuliani’s bottom lip, startling a flock of Pterodactyls from their nearby perch and launching them into the darkness.

The Tyrumposaurus’ infamous legal dino squatted at the edge of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, his tail lolling about in the water. He looked up at the star-studded sky and blinked. Was that the Big or the Little T-Rumper constellation? Or did he simply have a splitting headache?

Whatever it was, it was the last time the stars would be twinkling this decade. The impeachment trial in the Sin Hut continued to loom as the Nancypelosi and the Moscowmitch drew their lines in the sand. Lines that spelled fair-trial-justice-served and when-my-daddy-and-I-are-extinct. The Rudyguliani was keeping his fingers crossed that a scrum of Mediacircustops would happen upon him any moment now. He knew just what he would say.

He took another slurp of scummy swamp water and smacked his lips. His belly burned with the toxic algae content. He couldn’t wait. The Rudygiuliani cleared his throat and urgently flicked his tail back and forth in the water.

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Now, every morning I will testify

I don’t want no questions, you see

About Maduro, Venezuela

That’s all, we are agreed?

‘Cause I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

Yeah, the other night I was demonstrating

And I showed this big terrible scheme

So I called up my pal Levparnas

And his partner, Igor, I mean

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Yeah, the other day I gave a long lecture

Or maybe it was in my head

Just me and pal Viktorshokin

Can’t remember what I said

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I drink alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

Yeah, I’ll do summations, just leave it to me

I’ll try the case, I’m not too bad

I know it’s been an eternity

But this case’s ironclad

And I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

I think alone

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!