Category: Political Satire

The Igorfruman looked outside his cave and sighed. He was under cave arrest. His wife had left him the week before, leaving him with their three children in this dank 200-square foot cave. He couldn’t even take his kids to school. He worried about having to home-school them. If he taught them, would that necessarily lead them to a life of crime?

He kicked a stone in frustration. That damn Levparnas. Oh, sure, they’d once been good buddies. He’d introduced Lev to all his Ukraine Plain contacts who then immediately fell in line when the Rudygiuliani told them that Lev was working on behalf of the Tyrumposaurus himself. Part of the T-Rump team. Part of the cult.

Everything was sailing along until he and Lev were busted for bringing moolah-moolah leaves into the Milkanhoney Preservation and spreading them amongst eager Grandoldparty dinos. Dinos who even more eagerly gave the moolah-moolah back after he and Lev were popped.

But then the Levparnas had done something strange. He decided to talk. No sane dino with Russodino ties ever talked. It was a surefire recipe for extinction. Except history would be recorded differently. The Levparnas spoke with the trail-blazing Mediacircustops dino, the Rachelmaddow, and became an overnight sensation. So much so that Grandoldparty dinos were quaking in their footsteps. It was Levparnas this, Levparnas that. They were even singing songs about him now. Well, one song anyway. But they sung it a lot. Every hour on the hour, some new hip, young group of dinos would saunter past his cave, wailing away. This of course made it rather difficult to get the song out of his mind.

He heard footsteps coming down the path. Yep. Top of the hour. More Levparnas. Look out.

The power of Lev is a bombshell thing

Lev Parnas secrets to expose the king

Make them squawk, make their heartbeats rev

Send them all reeling, that’s the power of Lev

The Ukraine scandal, spillin’ the beans

Now we know who’s on the B-L-T team

Yovanovitch, you see, was followed that night

Power of Lev, it brings the truth to light

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

It’s wrong, it’s corrupt, Lev knows it’s showtime 

Comin’ clean just saved his life

That’s the power of Lev

That’s the power of Lev

First time Pence felt it, mother got so mad

Pompeo felt it, he’ll lose all he had

But we’re all so glad for what Lev found

That’s the power that brings T-Rump down

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

It’s wrong, it’s corrupt, Lev knows it’s showtime

Comin’ clean just saved his life

We all want a trial that’s fair

But Mitch doesn’t care

So he can only spew

Every word so untrue 

Then with a little help from Kiev

You feel the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

Can you feel it?

Hmm-Hmm

Poor Zelensky, T-Rump’s game

Pompeo, Pence, Barr; they all share the blame

Which big pig will be the first to squeal?

And Bolton, what will he reveal?

You feel the power, just feel the power of Lev

That’s the power, that’s the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

You feel the power of Lev

Feel the power of Lev

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Mikepompeo peeked over the endless rows of corn, in the heart of Kansas-of-Dorothy. At last. He’d maintained a low profile and managed to get out of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, putting plenty of swamp miles behind him.

He cursed his bad luck. The Rickwilson was right, everything the T-Rump touches dies. The Mikepompeo may well be dino enemy number one. Why hadn’t he stayed with the Langleyops dinos? Life was so much easier then. There it was his job to do shady dealings under the cover of night. Now he was exposed, out here in the daylight. He couldn’t cope. And the T-Rump brought out the worst in him. In everybody. Like a plague of angry, infested locusts that only knew one thing. How to lie. Lying was good. Lying saved your bacon. Lying kept you in the T-Rump’s good graces. Anything to continue the cover-up. The cover-up was all that mattered. He paused. How many cover-ups were they involved in? Too many. He’d cover up all right. Cover himself up with these husks and stalks of corn so no one would ever find him again. Ah, blessed quiet.

“Found you!”

Huh? Who was that? He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes of …

“The Mincepencenow? What are you doing here?”

“The same thing as you. Hiding.”

“Well, You can go find your own spot. This is my corn hole, dammit. Wait a minute, you’re alone. Did you run away from …”

“Mother?” The Mincepencenow hung his head. “Well, yes. At least for a little while.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, with this whole kerfuffle over the Iranosaurus thing, who knew what and when, the justification for killing the Soleimani …”

“Stop it, you’re driving me mad having to relive it again and again. Look around, I’m trying to get away from it.”

“Me too, but here’s the crazy thing, as to why I’m here. You see, there’s this song that I can’t get out of my head. Mother used to sing it to me … when I was younger.”

“You mean last week.”

“Okay, you got me. And well, it’s strange but the words have changed in my head to something new and it’s driving me batty. Like some stupid strawberry alarm clock.”

“You are nuts. What the hell is a strawberry alarm clock?

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. But the song, it goes, it goes …”

“You really don’t have to do this, Mike …”

“Oh, but I do. You know what they say. Misery is being away from mother. Move on over. Ahem.”

The corn stalks wavered, whisked and bent in the breeze as the Mencepencenow let loose the voices in his head.

Poor sense, negligence, government blind 

Briefings, messaging they can’t define

Embassies, number please, make up your mind

Intent and imminence, the color of crime

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

Little to win, but your job to lose

Intent and imminence, send in the clowns

Next day, next week, next time T-Rump’s down

Look at yourself, crook on the shelf, Pompeo

Look at yourself, crook on the shelf, Pompeo

Completely contradictory, they all knew

Benghazi, Soleimani, embarrassment due

Past event or Prince lament, wrong point of view 

Movements and all proof sent, nothin’ was new

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

You have to sin, with your soul to lose

Poor sense, negligence, government blind 

Briefings, messaging they can’t define

Embassies, number please, make up your mind

Intent and imminence, the color of crime

Who dares T-Rump to choose?

Once you’re in, you can only lose

Intent, imminence

Intent, imminence

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a

I-oh-w-a-a-a, I-oh-w-a-a-a 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Oval Dwelling dino staffers scampered in all directions — away from the cantankerous commander in chief, the Tyrumposaurus. He was a dino not to be stifled or trifled with as he paced the large cave in front of his second in command. No, not THAT second in command, the Mincepencenow, but the senior Kentucky Gobbler, the Moscowmitch. Think less yes-dino, more you-gotta-be-kidding-me.

“When are you going to start the damn impeachment trial?” asked the T-Rump.

“I told you. We have to wait for the Nancypelosi to give us the two articles of impeachment.”

“Only two? Hell, we can beat that.”

The Moscowmitch looked at him as one might a dino preparing to jump off a cliff boasting they will fly like a Pterodactyl.

“I’m sorry, T-Rump, I truly am, but we can’t allow the Donkeykongrus to have witnesses and evidence. We won’t stand a chance.”

“I’ll tell you who doesn’t stand a chance. That damn Whistleblower dino. That’s who. Expose him. I want a name. Make him an example for all Whistleblower dinos. Make them extinct. Extinct, dammit!”

“I – I hate it when you talk this way. It makes me question my own mortality.”

“Oh, don’t go getting religious on me.”

The Moscowmitch could only shake his head at the empty walnut before him. The T-Rump glared at him.

“What? What is it?”

“Why, nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Oh, it’s something alright. It’s the Iranosaurus thing, isn’t it?”

Three days before, on the T-Rump’s orders, the battle-hardened Iranosaurus guru, the Soleimani, had been killed in the Middle Eastlands.

The T-Rump huffed and puffed.

“It was the right thing to do. He was a b-a-a-a-d dino. The Obamarus had his chance and blew it. Not me. I took care of business. It was the perfect opportunity to make this impeachment trial. Go. Away.”

The Moscowmitch cringed and cast a wild glance around them.

“Forgive me, T-Rump, but are you insane? If any dino hears you say that …”

“What’s going to happen? Huh? What’s going to happen?”

The Moscowmitch could only go mum and stare at the ground in disbelief. The T-Rump smirked.

“That’s what I thought. And you know me. Time to double down.”

“Double down?”

“You’re going to squat right there and listen to my song about it.”

“You made a song about it?”

“Is there an echo in here? My vanity demanded it.”

“But, you can’t sing. I mean, I’m trying to forget the last time I … I mean, if you want me to listen to you, I guess I’ll have to … I mean, I will.” A deep sigh. “I will.”

“Well, don’t look so beat up about it. Oh, and hold onto your heart, Moscowmitch. I’m not taking any prisoners.” 

The Moscowmitch grimaced, the ground shook and the T-Rump sang. In no particular order.

I took down Soleimani

Cut him off at the knees

Yeah, I took down the devil

Cuz my religion agrees

Oh, they’re callin’ me crazy

This damn impeachment won’t die

Now I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head 

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Yes, I’m waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

Oh, I’m nobody’s angel  

I’m no Middle East star 

But I’ll send you to heaven

Because I have Williambarr

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Oh, just waggin’ the dog at home 

I’ll be the Tower of Babel, 

Cuz I do talk a lot

If I don’t like what you’re doin’

I’ll make it get hot — give it everything I got

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog

O-o-o-o-h, I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

Ow!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1075 & 1079

This week’s T-Rump twofer features: Day 1075 — “The Waiting” … It’s a game the Moscow Mitch loves to play! … and Day 1079 — “I Think Alone” … The Rudygiuliani sidles up to the swamp and lets fly. Enjoy!

A wag of the tail to Tom Petty and George Thorogood.

A burp broke the still night, reverberating off the Rudygiuliani’s bottom lip, startling a flock of Pterodactyls from their nearby perch and launching them into the darkness.

The Tyrumposaurus’ infamous legal dino squatted at the edge of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, his tail lolling about in the water. He looked up at the star-studded sky and blinked. Was that the Big or the Little T-Rumper constellation? Or did he simply have a splitting headache?

Whatever it was, it was the last time the stars would be twinkling this decade. The impeachment trial in the Sin Hut continued to loom as the Nancypelosi and the Moscowmitch drew their lines in the sand. Lines that spelled fair-trial-justice-served and when-my-daddy-and-I-are-extinct. The Rudyguliani was keeping his fingers crossed that a scrum of Mediacircustops would happen upon him any moment now. He knew just what he would say.

He took another slurp of scummy swamp water and smacked his lips. His belly burned with the toxic algae content. He couldn’t wait. The Rudygiuliani cleared his throat and urgently flicked his tail back and forth in the water.

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Now, every morning I will testify

I don’t want no questions, you see

About Maduro, Venezuela

That’s all, we are agreed?

‘Cause I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

Yeah, the other night I was demonstrating

And I showed this big terrible scheme

So I called up my pal Levparnas

And his partner, Igor, I mean

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Yeah, the other day I gave a long lecture

Or maybe it was in my head

Just me and pal Viktorshokin

Can’t remember what I said

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I drink alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

Yeah, I’ll do summations, just leave it to me

I’ll try the case, I’m not too bad

I know it’s been an eternity

But this case’s ironclad

And I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

I think alone

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Moscowmitch squinted down into Looking Glass Lagoon. He grinned his best wide, yellow tooth grin and flinched at his reflection. He needed to put up a brave front for another day in the good ol’ Impeachment Impasse. Or impass-ay as the Francophonosaurae were calling it. 

He gritted his teeth. The Tyrumposaurus wanted to turn the Sin Hut impeachment trial into a kangaroo court. That of course could only give a bad name to kangaroos. The T-Rump wanted his name cleared, which could only be done by presenting several witnesses and too much evidence — a big no-no in Moscowmitch’s mind.

Better to whip this trial through the Sin Hut faster than a T-Rump vanity pang. Get this behind them as soon as possible so it would be nothing more than a burp in the dino court of public opinion. Sure, the T-Rump was being impeached for abuse of power and obstruction of the Kongrus Kave. That didn’t mean he had to actually leave his leadership role. The timid, T-Rump-fearing Grandoldparty dinos in the Sin Hut would line up lock-step with him in their quest for complete dino domination. He’d remind them of that.

The Moscowmitch’s eyes glared back at him for the lagoon. Was that a ripple? A ripple in his confidence? Certainly not. But the ripple gained strength, cascading through his mind. He needed to do more. That court of public opinion may just think the pressure was now on him with the Nancypelosi having held onto the articles of impeachment — those dadblamed footprints in the sand — for two whole weeks. That simply wouldn’t do. He was of venerable Kentucky Gobbler ancestry. When the going got tough, it was time to gobble gobble.

Thirty minutes later the Moscowmitch squatted outside the doorway to the Nancypelosi’s dwelling. He rapped his tail against the wall, announcing his arrival. A moment later the Nancypelosi appeared in the entrance.

“Moscowmitch, to what do I owe this visit?”

“Madame Speaker, I’d like to tell you something.”

Oh, maybe, I must be in heaven right now

Not because I’m older than I seem

Yes, I’m famous for my long good-bye kiss

It feels like Merrick Garland once again 

You have no leverage, you can only pretend

Just watch this ol’ trial fall into the abyss

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart, 

The waiting is the easy part

Well, yeah, I hold the record now for waitin’ around. 

At least til Job’s patience wore down

Your muddling through all this makes me feel good

Just last month you said you need it right now

Maybe your case is weak, you’ve got cold feet somehow

I say no witnesses, like no witnesses now

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart

The waiting is the easy part

Oh, if you find courage, maybe, my mind’s made up for you

No timeline’s fine, lady, my mind’s made up for you

I’ll be your dumb ol’ fart, I’ll be your smilin’ fool

No such thing as too far

My mind’s made up for you

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart

The waiting is the easy part

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!