https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-rnsns-f38972
This week’s double T-Rump Traxx include: Day 1404 — “Me and You and a Dad-Blamed Coup” … The Lobosaurus takes the pulse of Dino Nation. … and Day 1408 — “I Pardon That Commotion” … The Flynnhasbeen received a full pardon. That can only mean one thing. … Dino tail wags to Lobo and Smokey and the Miracles. Enjoy!
The Oval Dwelling was positively swelling. Dinos jostled for position in the latest negotiations on PPE. The POTUS Pardon Extravaganza, that is. The Tyrumposaurus had just granted the Flynnhasbeen a full pardon. Word traveled like a Pterodactyl mating call. All dinos looking for a pardon and or their representatives had quickly assembled. The process had turned into a full blown auction with the dino auctioneer in rapid-fire mode, droning on to the perky ears of all participants.
“The Manaforta. What’s the Manaforta gonna give? Gonna keep quiet. Like a possum. Dead quiet like a possum. Dead quiet. Possum quiet. Dead possum quiet. He’s playin’ dead possum quiet. Keepin’ quiet. Dead quiet. Playin’ dead. Keepin’ quiet. Gosh, I’m a quiet possum. Possum quiet. Dead possum. Is he keepin’ quiet? Is he dead? Like he’s dead? Possum dead? Keepin’ quiet? Dead quiet?”
A nod from the Manaforta’s legal dino.
“He’s keepin’ quiet. Need a no Russodinos. Need a no. A no-no-no. Not a one. No-no Putin. No Putin. No puttin’ in a Putin. No Putin puttin’ in. No, no Putin? Do I gotta undying devotion? Need undyin’ devotion. Devotion the notion. Undying. No dyin’. Notion devotion. Devotion promotion. Undyin’ devotion. Needin’ devotion before dyin’. Don’t die, no dyin’ before devotion. Gotta devotion notion? Undyin’ devotion?”
Another nod from the legal dino.
“Sold! Manaforta gets the pardon. Big pardon. Full pardon. Pardon you. Pardon me. Pardon garden company. Who’s next?”
His eyes picked out …
“The Rogerstone! I need a tricky Dicky. I’m a picky, picky on my tricky Dicky. Picky, picky, tricky Dicky. No nicky-picky, no picky-picnic-nicky on my tricky Dicky. Need a tricky Dicky. Dicky tricky. Tricky Dicky. Prickly, prickly. Sticky, sticky. No picky-nicky. Prickly, sticky, tricky Dicky? Tricky Dicky? Dicky tricky?”
The Rogerstone flashed a grin.
“You’re my tricky Dicky! Need election spin. Need to say I win. I win, election spin. Need to win, spin, spin to win. Not a sin. Who says I’m in? Spin I’m in. Say I’m in. Say I win, spin the spin. Rin-tin-tin. Win, spin, win, spin. Sayin’ when I spin to win. Election win. And the spin. Then a win. Win, spin, not a sin. Spin to win, election win?”
Another grin from Stone.
“Sold! Rogerstone gets the pardon. Big pardon. Full pardon. Pardon you. Pardon me. Pardon garden company. Who’s next?”
A short arm went up.
“The Kushneratops wants a pardon. What’s he gonna give? What we gonna need? One-two-five-ten-twenty-fifty-hundred-more. Gotta count some more. Goin’ higher. Higher. Higher like a fire. Hire. Fire. Hire. Fire. Don’t fire me. Thousand, million, billion. Did ya bring a trillion? Countin’ more. T-Rump wants more. Add a zero. Zero, zero. Be a hero with a zero. Hero. Zero. Zero hero. Not the boss. No sirree. Not the boss. Don’t look at me. Billion with a B. Thousand million. Need a billion with a B.”
A nod from the Kushneratops.
“Gotta billion with a B. 2B or not 2B? Shakespeare is shakin’ free. What we gonna see? 2B will set you free. 2B the price, you see. Gettin’ free. With 2B. To be free. 2B free. Too be free. Two’s a number and also, it be. I need 2B. 2B, I need. I need 2B. Say 2B for me. 2B for me. Me with 2B? I don’t see. 2B, 2B, you’ll be free. Free for 2B. Give me 2B. 2B to be free. To be Scooby-Doo. Free for 2B? 2B is 2B. Say 2B for me.”
The Kushneratops smirked.
“Sold! Jared gets the pardon. Big pardon. Full pardon. Pardon you. Pardon me. Pardon garden company. Who’s next?”
The auctioneer spotted T-Rump with his short arm raised.
“Stop. Stop the show. Stoppin’ pardons, don’t ya know. Stop. Don’t pass go. Stop. Stop. I say so.”
“Dinos! My crony friends. Thanks for coming out. I’m getting bored though. This is taking way too long. So, call it a miracle, the best miracle in the history of miracles, but I have Smokey here to sing a song. Especially for those of you I haven’t pardoned yet. Just listen to it … and consider yourself pardoned. Gotta go. I’ve got a lot of accidents that need creating.”
Maybe you’ll wanna come and kiss my feet
Because you don’t wanna be in my next tweet
And maybe someday you’re gonna take the fall
What a waste of time in jail for you all
Oh, whatta world, in Flynn’s case, he’s gotta new start
He won’t forget that, and you, yes, you can take part
So, if you feel like pumping me
If your funds aren’t frozen
I pardon that commotion
So, if you will just guarantee
A lifetime of devotion
I pardon that commotion
Maybe you think that I am just a clown
And you know my favorite color is nose brown
Maybe you think I didn’t finish school
And this is the shallow end of the gene pool
Oh, whatta world,
In that case, I don’t give a fart
I’ll just make you that, that new greeter at Wal-Mart
Oh, but if you feel like pumping me
If your funds aren’t frozen
I pardon that commotion
So, if you will just guarantee
A lifetime of devotion
I pardon that commotion
Oh, whatta world, in that case I don’t give a fart
I’ll just make sure that, that your life will fall apart
Oh, but if you feel like pumping me
If your funds aren’t frozen
I pardon that commotion
So, if you will just guarantee
A lifetime of devotion
I pardon that commotion
Oh, whatta world,
I pardon that commotion
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
The lone Lobosaurus stopped and looked around. He’d been trudging along head down for some time and evidently strayed from the Michigonian neighborhood path. He was nearsighted and a little hard of hearing, a dino with pre-existing conditions, if you will. He focused as best he could on his new, foreign surroundings. What he saw gave him immediate pause and his tail a quick, defensive twitch.
Before him was a pack of over 200 angry, phlegm-spewing, knuckle-dragging Militiasaurae dinos who looked like they were angry at the world for most of the day. Uh-oh. Lobo was definitely on the wrong side of the path. He’d accidentally stumbled into a Stop the Steal rally for dinos who were positive in their beliefs — based on no evidence — that the Joebiden had stolen the election from the T-Rump. The Lobosaurus quietly turned about face and begin to slowly slink away. Too late.
“You there!” hollered one of the Militiasaurae. “Where do you think you’re going?”
The big dino had a long scar along his chin, caused the week before when he’d tried to eat a Raptor that wasn’t dead yet. The Lobosaurus tapped his own lower lip thoughtfully.
“I – I think I’m in the wrong place.”
“Is that so? Is there something wrong with this place?”
“Pardon?”
“Who did you vote for?”
“I’m sorry, but that’s privileged information.”
“Aha! You’re a Joebiden dino. You’re in the wrong place, pal.”
“That’s what I was saying. S-o-o-o, I really should be getting back to my cave before another dino moves in. You know how tough finding a cave is these days.
The Militiasaurus held up a hand.
“Not so fast.” He looked around. “Hey, guys! We got a live one here.”
In the dino world, that pretty much is the last thing one hears before being eaten alive.
A minute later the Lobosaurus was surrounded by 200 sinister-looking, freely salivating dinos. Chin Scar nudged him with his tail.
“Okay, Joebiden guy, admit it. Your guy’s a fraud. He stole the election. He robbed us blind.”
“Well, if what you say is true, why would he go to all that trouble and not change any dinos in the Sin Hut?”
200 pairs of Militiasaurae eyes en masse rolled one way, then the other in communal consternation. Chin Scar stamped his big foot down.
“Don’t listen to him. That’s Mediacircustops fake news.”
“You can’t change the facts.”
“Except we don’t like your facts. We’re doing quite nicely playing connect the dots with QAnonymousarus theories. Venezuela-Wayla, socialism … and that dead Hugochavez dino. You guys are guilty as sin. So guilty we don’t need that Sidneypowell dino any more.”
“Guilty of what? I’d welcome any evidence.”
“Don’t get smart with us.”
“But the dino authorities, that’s what they go by … you know, legitimate authority?”
Lobo didn’t like the look in the Militiasaurae eyes. Chin Scar chuckled.
“Let’s just say we’re standing by, as the T-Rump called it.”
“Uh, before you all run off and do something you might regret, if I might offer some advice?”
“Oh, and what would that be?”
That November came a day
When T-Rumpers tried to sway
And how frauds, cheats and liars
Was their common refrain
All the courts told them where to go
For attempted recount overthrow
Cuz they only wish
T-Rump was back in power again
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Evil spreadin’ across the land
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
How did this get so out of hand?
Now they did try to stall
But ol’ Judge Brann, he made his call
Said they stitched theories together
Just like Frankenstein’s friend
Six million voters they would shirk
Then call it a Pennsylvania quirk
Pass the bananas
We have a republic to mend
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Evil spreadin’ across the land
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Whatever happened to the master plan?
Now America had its say
But Missus Murphy’s still in the way
Though it was Esper and Krebs got fired
Cuz they complained
Covid’s killed a quarter million or so
So now we gotta turn to Joe
Forget their brazen bid, how to tell’em
This is insane
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Evil spreadin’ across the land
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Time to stand up, Republicans
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Evil spreadin’ across the land
Me and you and a dad-blamed coup
Democracy to beat the band
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-mxxxc-f2ee9d
This week’s two T-Rump Traxx include: Day 1397 — “Fantasy” … The charade thickens over the T-Rump camp … and … Day 1401 — “Maybe I’m Amazed” … The Emilymurphy struggles with her decision that has ground Dino Nation to a halt. … Big dino tail wags to Aldo Nova and Paul McCartney. Enjoy!
“C’mon, Emily. Ya gotta do it. It’s been twelve days for crying out loud.”
The Emilymurphy shook her head as she had for each and every one of those twelve days. As the administrator of the Gee-Yes-Aye Swamp Dino Work Force, it was her duty to give the go-ahead, allowing the new leader to access all the dino necessities before moving into the Oval Dwelling in two months.
That new leader would be the Joebiden, who was standing before her.
“Here’s the deal, Emily. If you recognize me as your leader we can get this show on the road and I can begin helping dinos of all stripes.”
She frowned. The pressure on her was unbearable. The T-Rump had told her he would make her life a living hell if she so much as lifted a finger for the Joebiden. She hadn’t signed up for this. She brightened. That was it. She’d find a new job. She knew the T-Rump had threatened to run any dino out of the jungle if he caught them looking for a new job. No, instead they had to plan events for months down the road that weren’t even going to happen.
“Emily, speak to me. Dinos are dying. I can help them. My whole team wants to help them. It’s up to you, Emily.”
She bit her lip. She was getting a migraine. Dino migraines were extra bad because their brains were smaller. Less space, more intense. No room for guilt. Only pain.
“Why are you doing this, Emily? The past four transitions have gone fine. Face it. The T-Rump lost. It’s time to hit the road, Jack. Not you, I mean the T-Rump. Sure, he can stay for another couple of months. You know what I mean.”
She knew the T-Rump wanted to stay in the Oval Dwelling forever. Would he ask her to hold out for an end to term limits? It would make her job easier. Her stomach growled. It was after lunch and she hadn’t eaten yet. She looked the dino leader-elect up and down. He was skinny, but there was still meat on the bone. Two burly dinos lurked in the background. Damn his security detail.
“Emily, I’ll stand her all day if I have to. You know why? Because all I can otherwise do is meet with dinos who aren’t in the right position, talk about anything except the things I want to talk about and generally keep losing valuable time I need to get this Dino Nation back up and running by the time I move into the Oval Dwelling. It’s called a transition, Emily. Not cool-your-heels-while-I-sit-on-my-butt.
Her face flushed. Oh, he was asking for it. But she wouldn’t say a word. No way. If she opened her mouth she had no idea what she would even say, she’d be so embarrassed she’d burst into tears and it would get back to the T-Rump that she was weak and …
“Emily, I took the liberty of bringing an old friend with me.”
Uh-oh, what was he up to now? Was this some kind of trick? He smiled that gracious, exuberant 78-year-old Joebiden grin at her.
“I’d like you to meet my good buddy …”
Out of the bushes stepped the Paulmccartney.
The Emilymurphy’s heart skipped a beat. And two. And three.
Maybe I’m amazed at the way he deludes his mind
And maybe I’m afraid of a way he won’t lose
Maybe I’m amazed at they way he turns things on a dime
He has us on the line
Maybe I’m amazed at the harm he really could do
Maybe Lindsey Graham, maybe he’s the biggest fan
Who’s in Cruz and Pompeo’s ring
They’ve fallen under his dark command
Maybe that’s the plan
And maybe he’s the only liar who leaves them lingering
Maybe sow the bitterness, fire-fanned
Maybe that’s the plan, maybe he has more to ban
Who refuse to soothe his ego
That is his only true demand
Maybe that’s the plan
And maybe he’s one who’d lay waste to democracy
Maybe we need to all join hand-in-hand
Maybe I’m amazed at the way my questions come to mind
Maybe I’m amazed at the urgency too
Maybe I’m amazed at the way he won’t sing his swan song
We’ve waited oh-so long
Maybe I’m amazed at the way his power grew
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
The Rudygiuliani peeked into the Oval Dwelling for a moment, withdrew and returned to his conversation with the Markmeadows.
“He’s been in there a long time. You sure he’s okay?”
“I think he’s working up the courage to concede. I mean, I certainly hope so. Don’t you?”
“Good gawd, no. He just hired me to defend him. Take the lead on all his legal stuff. Whatever comes down the pike. Lord knows I need the work. To keep ahead of my own legal bills. By the way, when’s the last time he ate?”
“He hasn’t eaten all day.”
“This must be really hitting him hard.”
“It’s tragic. His skin is even changing colour. He’s turning grey. Looking old. It’s doing him in, I tell you.”
“Well, he did have a lot of power.” The Rudygiuliani sighed. “Ah, I used to have power. Now I’m just a glorified, googly-eyed, rabbit hole diver.”
“And a legal dino.”
“Oh, I’m afraid those days are long gone, brother. But don’t tell him that.”
“So, let me get this right. You’re … grifting a grifter?”
“I learned from the best. It’s all in the cheesy grin, bravado and hand-waving. Especially the hand-waving.”
“Did you know he lost 9 court cases yesterday?”
“Well, it’s a good thing I wasn’t representing him yesterday then, wasn’t it?”
“Tell me you’re not going to use the ‘non-zero number’ defense for Grandoldparty dino witnesses to ballot-counting.”
“Damn! They’re onto that one?”
“And please, no more Mediacircustops events at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
“But their rates were so good.”
“Rudy, tell me you have a strategy to defend the T-Rump.”
“Well, heh-heh, between you and me, I’m just planning to wing it, go with the flow, y’know.” He paused to look around. “Because when you get right down to it, we don’t have a bloody prayer. C’mon, Mark. Be realistic. If he thinks he can get away with this, the T-Rump is living in a fantasy world.”
That same T-Rump appeared at the entrance.
“I resemble that remark.”
Sitting tight, as I please, it’s my regal rite
Legal fight, I am tying up their hopeless plight
See me rant if only to incite
Count again til you get it right
Day and night, righteous battle, civil war tonight, yo
Outta site, I’ll just hide til Covid hits its height
Biden slight, his transition, never see the light
See my guys bow, they don’t ask why
Undermine, attack the truth and lie
What a life, would be cooler if you’d take my wife, take my wife
All those votes belong to me
Defy reality
This is my fantasy
Can’t you see what that crazy Biden’s doing to me
Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life
Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life
So forget all except me
What conspiracy?
This is my fantasy
Can’t you see what that crazy Biden’s doing to me
Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life
Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life
Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life
Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life
Say so!
Say so!
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-m93qz-f244fa
This week’s double-shot of T-Rump Traxx are: Day 1390 — “If You Concede Right Now” … The Tymelania lays down the law … and Day 1394 — “Still the One” … The T-Rump has a hard time accepting reality. Major dino tail wags to Chicago and Orleans. Enjoy!
“Daddy, listen to me.”
“Ahem.” The Tyvankanatrix glanced sideways at the Kushneratops, then back to her father.
“I mean us, listen to us. This has gone on long enough. It’s been ten days since you … how can I say this gracefully? You – you had 72 million dinosaurs line up behind you. You did wonderful. I’m so proud of you, daddy. But it just wasn’t quite enough. It’s obviously all those dinos’ fault that you … that you didn’t emerge victorious.”
“Are you trying to tell me I lost?” He fairly spat the word out.
“Oh, no, daddy. It was the 72 million dinos who lost. They’re going to lose a great, world-renowned leader.”
“Damn those dinos,” the Kushneratops sneered. “Those small, ungrateful, spineless tail-waggers who couldn’t drag nine neighbors to the polls like they were supposed to.”
“Don’t you two worry,” the T-Rump growled. “This isn’t over yet.”
“What are you going to do, daddy?”
“Fire them all! Every last one of them. Esper. Gone. Wray, Haspell, they’ll never know what hit them. I’ll get dinos in there so that when I say jump, they’ll be doing high dives into the lagoon.”
“Then what?” asked his son-in-law.
“What do you mean, then what? I’ll leverage my position to make maximum moolah-moolah leaves like I’ve been doing since day one.”
“Daddy, sorry to interrupt, but another 150,000 dinos got sick with Covid yesterday.”
“Yes, but did you see how bad the Foxsquawkbox dinos are now? They’re the sick ones. They are nothing without me. Nothing. Tell me again how I can be Dino Nation’s leader in four years.”
The Tyvanka and the Kushneratops looked at each other. They’d had The Talk, the one where they debated who was going to have to tell T-Rump he was going straight to the Solitary Sinkhole when he moved out of the Oval Dwelling. They hadn’t come to a final decision as yet, their most promising solution being pawning the task off on Eric.
“Daddy, I know that Don Jr. and Eric are running around dino world making all kinds of claims about the Donkeykongrus stealing the election, but the longer this goes on, well … it’s going to make Jared and me look bad.”
The T-Rump frowned.
“And this affects me how?”
Before the Tyvanka could respond however, an exasperated Markmeadows burst into the room.
“They just projected Zona Canyon.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” The T-Rump pumped a short arm into the sky.
The Kushneratops raised his own short arm to correct him but it was no use as the T-Rump launched into song.
I’ve been your leader since way back when
Someday they’ll admit to my election win
I’m not ready to go
Let me make this clear
I’m still the one
I’m not going anywhere
I’m still the one
Who only sees red
Still the one
Til I drop dead
I’m still on the run
And I’m still the one
I looked at this race every day
Until that stupid plague seemed far, far away
My lawyers explained
What I wanted to know
They were short and curt
They said take it slow
I’m still the one
Who likes riffraff
Still the one
Four chiefs of staff
I’m still the long con
And I’m still the one
I’m still the one
Knows right from wrong
Still the one
Telling Biden, so long!
They’re still counting, hon
And I’m still the one
Changing, their shove is getting old
Even though some aren’t told, it’s my coup
I’m still the one
Who is so in dutch
Still the one
You can’t send too much
I’m still staring at the sun
And I’m still the one
I’m still the one
With the bait an’ switch
Still the one
Saying “voting glitch!”
I’m still banking none
And I’m still the one
I AM still the one
With all the clout
Still the one
They all talk about
I’m still not quite done
And I’m still the one
I’m still the one
Yeah, still the one
I’m still saying I won
And I’m still the one
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
The Kushneratops paced the Oval Dwelling in front of his father-in-law.
“I know the staff have you out flogging on the back forty so you can calm your nerves, but two days in a row, and you are no closer to accepting the inevitable.”
“What? That my backswing isn’t what it used to be?”
“No, you lost the election, T-Rump. Yesterday. By tens of thousands of votes. Everywhere. It’s not even close.”
“They stole it. Like they stole everything. They’re thieves, they are.”
“We have no proof. We’ve been to court ten times. They’re beginning to get a bit P-O’d at the sight of us. You can’t stonewall an election, T-Rump. Dino Nation won’t stand for it.”
“Oh, they’ll be standing alright. I’m going to do what I do best.”
“What? Bait and switch?”
“No. Rallies. I’m going to tour the countryside and tell all the dinos how I was robbed and that thousands and thousands of votes were fake. Fraudulent!”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Who cares? They get to see me. They love me. They need me to keep this whole populist-conservative-carnival facade alive.”
“Are you trying to launch a revolution?”
“What have I got to lose?”
“Well, for one thing, we’ve had 120,000 or more Covid cases for the past three days in a row.”
“That’s all Biden’s fault. He was too busy counting his 75 million fake votes.”
“There you go again. You’re acting like Biden is the leader of Dino Nation when you want him to be … and refusing him that title when dinos across the land have spoken. T-Rump, I hate to say it, but you’re really beginning to make the Grandoldparty dinos look bad.”
“Hah! They’re nothing without me.”
“Except in two months you’ll be nothing too. They won’t have to listen to you any more.”
“Two months? A lot could change by then. I could fall in and out of love with the Kimjongadon. And I can certainly agitate the masses. Just watch me.”
“I’m getting a little worried about you. I’m calling …”
“No!”
“The Tymelania.”
Sure enough, his wife was in the Oval Dwelling twenty minutes later. The T-Rump sulked in the corner. He hated these conversations. That look she gave him always said the same thing. I know exactly how many times you’ve cheated on me.
“Nice to see you, dear,” he said, lying through his teeth.
She stared at him quietly but sternly. Yes, it was the Quietly Stern stare. Her secret weapon. He blinked and fired back.
“No, I’m not giving up. Biden can bite my butt.”
She said nothing. But she sang plenty.
If you concede right now, you can ask Putin to help you flee
Oh, Donald, it’s time to go
And if you concede right now, I won’t have to do f**king Christmas tree
Oh, yes
Donald, time to go
Oh, Donald
They don’t want you to stay
A lead like yours, Biden was so behind
How could you let it slip away?
No widespread fraud, no more votes to find
I knew it would always end this way
When tomorrow comes and you don’t quit yet
Give me a f**king break!
A pre-nup like ours, do you think I am blind?
Look at me, I am counting the days
To come this far, I am losing my mind
In two months, they’ll put you away
When tomorrow comes, you just have more debt
Give me a f**king break!
If you concede right now, you’ll soon be seeing the last of me
Oh, yes
Donald, you must go
Oh, Donald
I don’t want to be by your side
Oh, no
Donald, please, just go
Oh, Donald
I just got to get f**king out of here!
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle