Author: David Belisle

The lone Lobosaurus stopped and looked around. He’d been trudging along head down for some time and evidently strayed from the Michigonian neighborhood path. He was nearsighted and a little hard of hearing, a dino with pre-existing conditions, if you will. He focused as best he could on his new, foreign surroundings. What he saw gave him immediate pause and his tail a quick, defensive twitch.  

Before him was a pack of over 200 angry, phlegm-spewing, knuckle-dragging Militiasaurae dinos who looked like they were angry at the world for most of the day. Uh-oh. Lobo was definitely on the wrong side of the path. He’d accidentally stumbled into a Stop the Steal rally for dinos who were positive in their beliefs — based on no evidence — that the Joebiden had stolen the election from the T-Rump. The Lobosaurus quietly turned about face and begin to slowly slink away. Too late.

“You there!” hollered one of the Militiasaurae. “Where do you think you’re going?” 

The big dino had a long scar along his chin, caused the week before when he’d tried to eat a Raptor that wasn’t dead yet. The Lobosaurus tapped his own lower lip thoughtfully.

“I – I think I’m in the wrong place.”

“Is that so? Is there something wrong with this place?”

“Pardon?”

“Who did you vote for?”

“I’m sorry, but that’s privileged information.”

“Aha! You’re a Joebiden dino. You’re in the wrong place, pal.”

“That’s what I was saying. S-o-o-o, I really should be getting back to my cave before another dino moves in. You know how tough finding a cave is these days.

The Militiasaurus held up a hand. 

“Not so fast.” He looked around. “Hey, guys! We got a live one here.”

In the dino world, that pretty much is the last thing one hears before being eaten alive.

A minute later the Lobosaurus was surrounded by 200 sinister-looking, freely salivating dinos. Chin Scar nudged him with his tail.

“Okay, Joebiden guy, admit it. Your guy’s a fraud. He stole the election. He robbed us blind.”

“Well, if what you say is true, why would he go to all that trouble and not change any dinos in the Sin Hut?”

200 pairs of Militiasaurae eyes en masse rolled one way, then the other in communal consternation. Chin Scar stamped his big foot down.

“Don’t listen to him. That’s Mediacircustops fake news.”

“You can’t change the facts.”

“Except we don’t like your facts. We’re doing quite nicely playing connect the dots with QAnonymousarus theories. Venezuela-Wayla, socialism … and that dead Hugochavez dino. You guys are guilty as sin. So guilty we don’t need that Sidneypowell dino any more.”

“Guilty of what? I’d welcome any evidence.”

“Don’t get smart with us.”

“But the dino authorities, that’s what they go by … you know, legitimate authority?”

Lobo didn’t like the look in the Militiasaurae eyes. Chin Scar chuckled.

“Let’s just say we’re standing by, as the T-Rump called it.”

“Uh, before you all run off and do something you might regret, if I might offer some advice?”

“Oh, and what would that be?” 

That November came a day

When T-Rumpers tried to sway

And how frauds, cheats and liars

Was their common refrain

All the courts told them where to go

For attempted recount overthrow

Cuz they only wish

T-Rump was back in power again

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Evil spreadin’ across the land

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

How did this get so out of hand?

Now they did try to stall

But ol’ Judge Brann, he made his call

Said they stitched theories together

Just like Frankenstein’s friend

Six million voters they would shirk

Then call it a Pennsylvania quirk 

Pass the bananas

We have a republic to mend

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Evil spreadin’ across the land

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Whatever happened to the master plan?

Now America had its say

But Missus Murphy’s still in the way

Though it was Esper and Krebs got fired

Cuz they complained

Covid’s killed a quarter million or so

So now we gotta turn to Joe

Forget their brazen bid, how to tell’em

This is insane

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Evil spreadin’ across the land

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Time to stand up, Republicans

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Evil spreadin’ across the land

Me and you and a dad-blamed coup

Democracy to beat the band 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“C’mon, Emily. Ya gotta do it. It’s been twelve days for crying out loud.”

The Emilymurphy shook her head as she had for each and every one of those twelve days. As the administrator of the Gee-Yes-Aye Swamp Dino Work Force, it was her duty to give the go-ahead, allowing the new leader to access all the dino necessities before moving into the Oval Dwelling in two months.

That new leader would be the Joebiden, who was standing before her.

“Here’s the deal, Emily. If you recognize me as your leader we can get this show on the road and I can begin helping dinos of all stripes.”

She frowned. The pressure on her was unbearable. The T-Rump had told her he would make her life a living hell if she so much as lifted a finger for the Joebiden. She hadn’t signed up for this. She brightened. That was it. She’d find a new job. She knew the T-Rump had threatened to run any dino out of the jungle if he caught them looking for a new job. No, instead they had to plan events for months down the road that weren’t even going to  happen.

“Emily, speak to me. Dinos are dying. I can help them. My whole team wants to help them. It’s up to you, Emily.”

She bit her lip. She was getting a migraine. Dino migraines were extra bad because their brains were smaller. Less space, more intense. No room for guilt. Only pain.

“Why are you doing this, Emily? The past four transitions have gone fine. Face it. The T-Rump lost. It’s time to hit the road, Jack. Not you, I mean the T-Rump. Sure, he can stay for another couple of months. You know what I mean.”

She knew the T-Rump wanted to stay in the Oval Dwelling forever. Would he ask her to hold out for an end to term limits? It would make her job easier. Her stomach growled. It was after lunch and she hadn’t eaten yet. She looked the dino leader-elect up and down. He was skinny, but there was still meat on the bone. Two burly dinos lurked in the background. Damn his security detail. 

“Emily, I’ll stand her all day if I have to. You know why? Because all I can otherwise do is meet with dinos who aren’t in the right position, talk about anything except the things I want to talk about and generally keep losing valuable time I need to get this Dino Nation back up and running by the time I move into the Oval Dwelling. It’s called a transition, Emily. Not cool-your-heels-while-I-sit-on-my-butt.

Her face flushed. Oh, he was asking for it. But she wouldn’t say a word. No way. If she opened her mouth she had no idea what she would even say, she’d be so embarrassed she’d burst into tears and it would get back to the T-Rump that she was weak and … 

“Emily, I took the liberty of bringing an old friend with me.”

Uh-oh, what was he up to now? Was this some kind of trick? He smiled that gracious, exuberant 78-year-old Joebiden grin at her.

“I’d like you to meet my good buddy …”

Out of the bushes stepped the Paulmccartney.

The Emilymurphy’s heart skipped a beat. And two. And three. 

Maybe I’m amazed at the way he deludes his mind

And maybe I’m afraid of a way he won’t lose 

Maybe I’m amazed at they way he turns things on a dime

He has us on the line

Maybe I’m amazed at the harm he really could do 

Maybe Lindsey Graham, maybe he’s the biggest fan 

Who’s in Cruz and Pompeo’s ring

They’ve fallen under his dark command

Maybe that’s the plan

And maybe he’s the only liar who leaves them lingering 

Maybe sow the bitterness, fire-fanned

Maybe that’s the plan, maybe he has more to ban 

Who refuse to soothe his ego

That is his only true demand 

Maybe that’s the plan

And maybe he’s one who’d lay waste to democracy

Maybe we need to all join hand-in-hand

Maybe I’m amazed at the way my questions come to mind

Maybe I’m amazed at the urgency too

Maybe I’m amazed at the way he won’t sing his swan song

We’ve waited oh-so long

Maybe I’m amazed at the way his power grew 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Rudygiuliani peeked into the Oval Dwelling for a moment, withdrew and returned to his conversation with the Markmeadows.

“He’s been in there a long time. You sure he’s okay?”

“I think he’s working up the courage to concede. I mean, I certainly hope so. Don’t you?”

“Good gawd, no. He just hired me to defend him. Take the lead on all his legal stuff. Whatever comes down the pike. Lord knows I need the work. To keep ahead of my own legal bills. By the way, when’s the last time he ate?”

“He hasn’t eaten all day.”

“This must be really hitting him hard.”

“It’s tragic. His skin is even changing colour. He’s turning grey. Looking old. It’s doing him in, I tell you.”

“Well, he did have a lot of power.” The Rudygiuliani sighed. “Ah, I used to have power. Now I’m just a glorified, googly-eyed, rabbit hole diver.”

“And a legal dino.”

“Oh, I’m afraid those days are long gone, brother. But don’t tell him that.”

“So, let me get this right. You’re … grifting a grifter?”

“I learned from the best. It’s all in the cheesy grin, bravado and hand-waving. Especially the hand-waving.”

“Did you know he lost 9 court cases yesterday?”

“Well, it’s a good thing I wasn’t representing him yesterday then, wasn’t it?”

“Tell me you’re not going to use the ‘non-zero number’ defense for Grandoldparty dino witnesses to ballot-counting.”

“Damn! They’re onto that one?”

“And please, no more Mediacircustops events at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”

“But their rates were so good.”

“Rudy, tell me you have a strategy to defend the T-Rump.”

“Well, heh-heh, between you and me, I’m just planning to wing it, go with the flow, y’know.” He paused to look around. “Because when you get right down to it, we don’t have a bloody prayer. C’mon, Mark. Be realistic. If he thinks he can get away with this, the T-Rump is living in a fantasy world.”

That same T-Rump appeared at the entrance.

“I resemble that remark.”

Sitting tight, as I please, it’s my regal rite 

Legal fight, I am tying up their hopeless plight

See me rant if only to incite

Count again til you get it right

Day and night, righteous battle, civil war tonight, yo 

Outta site, I’ll just hide til Covid hits its height

Biden slight, his transition, never see the light

See my guys bow, they don’t ask why 

Undermine, attack the truth and lie

What a life, would be cooler if you’d take my wife, take my wife 

All those votes belong to me

Defy reality

This is my fantasy

Can’t you see what that crazy Biden’s doing to me

Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life

Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life             

So forget all except me

What conspiracy?

This is my fantasy

Can’t you see what that crazy Biden’s doing to me

Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life

Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life

Life is just my fantasy, don’t you love my fantasy life

Life is evidence-free, don’t you love my fantasy life

Say so!

Say so!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“Daddy, listen to me.”

“Ahem.” The Tyvankanatrix glanced sideways at the Kushneratops, then back to her father.

“I mean us, listen to us. This has gone on long enough. It’s been ten days since you … how can I say this gracefully? You – you had 72 million dinosaurs line up behind you. You did wonderful. I’m so proud of you, daddy. But it just wasn’t quite enough. It’s obviously all those dinos’ fault that you … that you didn’t emerge victorious.”

“Are you trying to tell me I lost?” He fairly spat the word out.

“Oh, no, daddy. It was the 72 million dinos who lost. They’re going to lose a great, world-renowned leader.”

“Damn those dinos,” the Kushneratops sneered. “Those small, ungrateful, spineless tail-waggers who couldn’t drag nine neighbors to the polls like they were supposed to.”

“Don’t you two worry,” the T-Rump growled. “This isn’t over yet.”

“What are you going to do, daddy?”

“Fire them all! Every last one of them. Esper. Gone. Wray, Haspell, they’ll never know what hit them. I’ll get dinos in there so that when I say jump, they’ll be doing high dives into the lagoon.”

“Then what?” asked his son-in-law.

“What do you mean, then what? I’ll leverage my position to make maximum moolah-moolah leaves like I’ve been doing since day one.”

“Daddy, sorry to interrupt, but another 150,000 dinos got sick with Covid yesterday.”

“Yes, but did you see how bad the Foxsquawkbox dinos are now? They’re the sick ones. They are nothing without me. Nothing. Tell me again how I can be Dino Nation’s leader in four years.”

The Tyvanka and the Kushneratops looked at each other. They’d had The Talk, the one where they debated who was going to have to tell T-Rump he was going straight to the Solitary Sinkhole when he moved out of the Oval Dwelling. They hadn’t come to a final decision as yet, their most promising solution being pawning the task off on Eric. 

“Daddy, I know that Don Jr. and Eric are running around dino world making all kinds of claims about the Donkeykongrus stealing the election, but the longer this goes on, well … it’s going to make Jared and me look bad.”

The T-Rump frowned.

“And this affects me how?”

Before the Tyvanka could respond however, an exasperated Markmeadows burst into the room.

“They just projected Zona Canyon.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” The T-Rump pumped a short arm into the sky.

The Kushneratops raised his own short arm to correct him but it was no use as the T-Rump launched into song.

I’ve been your leader since way back when

Someday they’ll admit to my election win

I’m not ready to go

Let me make this clear

I’m still the one

I’m not going anywhere 

I’m still the one

Who only sees red

Still the one

Til I drop dead

I’m still on the run

And I’m still the one

I looked at this race every day

Until that stupid plague seemed far, far away

My lawyers explained

What I wanted to know

They were short and curt

They said take it slow

I’m still the one

Who likes riffraff

Still the one

Four chiefs of staff

I’m still the long con 

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

Knows right from wrong

Still the one

Telling Biden, so long!

They’re still counting, hon

And I’m still the one

Changing, their shove is getting old

Even though some aren’t told, it’s my coup 

I’m still the one

Who is so in dutch 

Still the one

You can’t send too much

I’m still staring at the sun

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

With the bait an’ switch

Still the one

Saying “voting glitch!”

I’m still banking none

And I’m still the one

I AM still the one

With all the clout

Still the one

They all talk about

I’m still not quite done

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

Yeah, still the one

I’m still saying I won

And I’m still the one

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!