Month: July 2019

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Lewd, Crude and Screwed …

The Solitary Sinkhole guard let out a low whistle.

The Jeffreyepstein had just checked in the day before. His new home was a hole beside the Georgenader, holed up himself beside the Michaelcohen. It was old home week and look who was coming to visit. The tyrant. The king of chaos. The Tyrumposaurus.

The T-Rump looked down at the Jeffreyepstein.

“Hey, Jeff. What’s the score?”

“I’ve still got you beat by a dozen, 36-24,” came the grinning response.

The Jeffreyepstein was referring of course to the number of female victims the two dinos had sexually abused or trafficked — allegedly — in the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump beamed back at him.

“You’re a terrific dino. Just terrific. So much fun to be with. You like beautiful dinos as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. Which brings us to why we’re here. You on the inside and me on the outside.”

“Being the leader of the free-running dino world does have its perks,” said the Jeffreyepstein.

“Oh, I have free run all right. And I want it to stay that way. Which is why you’re going to be very happy to see who I’ve brought with me.” He stepped aside, revealing the Alexanderacosta. “Your get out of jail card. Tell’em, Michael.”

The Michaelcohen shifted nervously in his squat.

“I don’t work for you anymore, T-Rump.”

“Nonsense. Fake news. Go ahead and tell everyone.” 

“Everyone already knows.”

The T-Rump’s face turned grim. His orange skin grew heated. His former legal dino knew the T-Rump would soon begin holding his breath. That or a temper tantrum was imminent. He sighed. His ex-boss was such an embarrassment.

“Okay, just so you can leave me alone as soon as possible, I’ll tell the story. 11 years ago, sexual relations with three dozen underage dinos had Jeffrey in deep, deep trouble. Allegedly. The Alexanderacosta brokered a deal with Jeffrey’s legal dino where Jeffrey pleaded guilty to two charges. He avoided a trial, served just 13 months in the Solitary Sinkhole instead of life, he registered as a DIP — a Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and paid some moolah-moolah leaves to the victims. It was the deal of a lifetime.”

“The greatest legal con job in dino history,” the T-Rump said glowingly, clapping the Alexanderacosta on the back. “How come you never did anything like that for me, Michael?”

“Uh, because I knew you’d never make me the Secretary of Labor?”

Awkward pause. In jumped the Georgenader.

“T-Rump, remember me? Your Saudisaurae-Russodino liaison dino?”

“Acting, right? Oh, George! What are you doing here?”

“I, uh … I don’t travel well.”

“That’s right. Now I remember. Last month. So long ago.”

“Can I play your game, T-Rump?”

“What game?”

“Your scoreboard game. Did you want to know how many young dinos I–”

“No! No, I don’t. Sorry, George. You’re disqualified. We’re keeping track of women only.”

“T-Rump?” The Jeffreyepstein raised a short arm.

“Right, Jeff. Young women do count. Because you and I go back 25 years. But only if they look like my daughter.”

The two dinos traded lecherous, sinister grins.

A pang of jealousy crept into the Michaelcohen’s head as he took in the Alexanderacosta. What was so special about this ex-legal dino? Not only was he being investigated for his plea agreement but he welcomed it. The legal dino shook his head in wonder. The Alexanderacosta was a reptile about to be crushed in Broncosaurus rush hour traffic.

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“Jeff, it’s been a few years and I need to know you can keep that Jane Doe thing hush hush.” 

“Don’t worry, T-Rump. We’ve got the Williambarr and the Brettkavanaugh on our side now.”

“And MBS and MBZ,” said the Georgenader. “And don’t forget the Putinodon.”

“George, I’m more concerned about myself than foreign policy. And it’s this dino I’m worried about.” The T-Rump pointed to the Michaelcohen. “You told the authorities about the hush payments to the Stormydaniels and the Karencdougal. You even implicated me, which is more fake news. And here I am. Still just visiting. So, Michael, what other beautiful dinos did you tell them about?”

“There were so many. The last week before the November battle was a blur.” The Michaelcohen was enjoying this, watching the T-Rump squirm. “All I can say is that they have all my footprints in the sand. Every last one.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I can sleep easy at night and you can’t. Speaking of which, just nine sleeps before the Muellersavus speaks before several committees. I’m sorry. Does that worry you?”

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“These young dinos and their accusations of death threats. How often are these coming up?”

“Pretty much every case.”

“Well, it’s not like we killed any dinos. Still, we need to get out ahead of it.”

“How do you plan on doing that?” asked the Jeffreyepstein.

“Easy. I don’t even need the Stephenmillerus on this one. For maximum play, I’ll just add it to my daily rant. No collusion! No obstruction! No death threats! What do you think?”

“Sounds great. Say, T-Rump. I was just wondering, Those young dinos you lost track of at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Where’d they wind up anyway?”

“Yes,” echoed the Georgenader, eagerly grasping his hands together. “Where are they now?”

In the background, the security guard had to turn away. He was sure he was going to be physically ill.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 893 & 897

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-dxbve-b6f4e1

This week’s double-feature includes … Day 893–The Price is Right Peace Plan … The Wolfblitzer tackles the Kushneratops on big dino dilemmas … and … Day 897–Winter’s Coming … How long can the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) play games with the district dino judge, the Georgehazel?

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Winter’s Coming …

The Georgehazel squatted atop Prudent Perch, a judicial weigh station on the side of Principled Peak, overlooking the Sane Plain. It was a small region growing smaller due to the encroaching swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, eerily coinciding with the Tyrumposaurus’ rise to power. 

The dino district judge glared down at the legal dinos he’d hastily summoned before him. There was the Joshgardner from the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) and his boss, the Jodyhunt, who was just one dino ambush away from replacing the Williambarr as the attorney dino general, the loftiest legal dino in the land. The plaintiffs were represented by the Shankarduraiswamy and the Denisehulett. At stake was indeed the law of the land. This was a bona fide Continental Divide crisis.

The Tyvankanatrix sauntered into the group, her carefree, gleaming smile leading the way. The judge looked up.

“What are you doing here?”

“The narrator said it was a Continental Divide crisis. Here I am,” she said, with a quick pirouette.

“To help solve it?”

“No. Just to be here.”

She batted her eyelids at the legal dinos and gave them a look of mock seriousness, trying to blend in. But still stick out of course. It was a delicate balance, like her leather skin maintaining that soft, puckered look.

“Get out of my court!” roared the Georgehazel.

“Hmph,” she sniffed. “Wait til I tell daddy. He calls me his princess and says I can go anywhere I want. By the way, there’s only one female dino here.”

She strode off, head held high. The dino judge calmed himself and turned to the Joshgardner.

“First off, Josh, I want to apologize for interrupting your vacation. I understand you were in the Yellow Buslands dining on Desegregators.” The judge smacked his lips. “White or Black-Striped?”

The Joshgardner shrugged.

“Whatever I could separate from the pack. Tastes like chicken, both of’em”

“I won’t keep you long. Now then, I was cooling my arthritic joints in the calming waters of Creaky Creek this morning when I heard T-Rump’s Trollertweety flying overhead. I’m sure you all heard it as well. The T-Rump’s, ahem … message from his throne directly contradicted what you told me yesterday. Is he playing some game? You told me the citizenship question will not be on next year’s dino census. I made myself perfectly clear. And now this. Short of biting your head off, Josh, what’s it going to be?”

“Uh, I just want to say, your Honor, that I’ve been with the DOJ for 16 years and … well, this is just bat-poop crazy. I watched the Wilburross put his footprint in the sand. Saw it with my own two eyes. No citizenship question. Honest. And if I may say, let me assure you, I am doing my absolute best to figure out what the hell is going on.”

“Your turn, Shankar.”

“Your Honor. This calls for a stipulated order …”

The Joshgardner cringed.

“N-o-o-o-o! Not a stipulated order!”

“Oh, yes,” continued the Shankarduraiswamy. “A stipulated order telling the T-Rump to stop his campaign of misinformation. And to tell the dinos that he’s very sorry and that he should never have sent that Trollertweety out in the first place.”

The dino judge frowned.

“You do know who we’re talking about here? … Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument … what am I saying? You don’t have to be a three-eyed raven. We know this is going to happen. The T-Rump will refuse to listen and he will double down per usual. What’s the basis for me to order him not to? Is this what we’ve come to? The T-Rump not respecting my authority? To run amok throughout the land. What then?”

“Um … that little thing called justice?” Shankar said in a tiny voice. “You can issue an injunction barring further inquiry. It’s appropriate and within your power. You can do it, judge.”

“Your Honor.” It was the Denisehulett. “If I may add something.”

“Please do. Our dino democracy stands at the very precipice.”

“It is nonsensical how the T-Rump continues to endanger the Latinonachos. He is driving them away as we speak. It doesn’t stop. It never ends. The T-Rump is violating our census and our senses. He’s a monster! Please, your Honor. DO something before he takes over the Milkanhoney Preservation!”

“Thank you. I’m well aware of our basic rights and needs as dinos. In the south and the north. Dare I say, winter’s coming for all of us. As for stopping the T-Rump’s Trollertweeties on this matter, I may as well ask him to stop lying.”

“Aren’t they one and the same?” asked Shankar.

The dino judge turned to the Joshgardner.

“Be that as it may, you’re the only dino here who appears to be more confused than I am. What say you to the plaintiff’s legal dino’s concerns?”

“Well, ahem … we have a very fluid situation here that we’re trying to wrap our short arms around. You know the T-Rump. I can’t possibly predict what he’s going to do next. But I do promise to keep an eye and an ear on the sky for his next Trollertweety and to get right back to you.”

“An eye and an ear to the sky? That’s where we’re at?”

“Your Honor.” It was the Jodyhunt. “I’d just like to remind everyone, I worked under the Sessionsopossum when the T-Rump called him beleaguered, when the T-Rump threw him under the Priebusunderbus daily, when the T-Rump fired him …”

“One case at a time,” said the judge.

“No, what I’m getting at here, your Honor, is that I’ve seen the carnage the T-Rump leaves behind. The stark fear and devastation.” He looked with pleading eyes up to the grizzled Georgehazel. “What we desperately need here is … is a path forward.”

“A path forward?”

“Yes, a near-term option, something viable, something possible — that’s consistent of course with the Supreme Dino Court’s decision, that would allow us to put the citizenship question on the census.”

“Dino dung!” snapped the judge. “I’m giving you two days to come up with a better response than this, this pathetic, poetic ‘path forward’ drivel.”

“But tomorrow’s the Fourth of T-Rump,” whined the Joshgardner.

The Jodyhunt quieted his colleague and turned to the dino judge. 

“Your Honor,” he said slowly. “We don’t need two days.”

The assistant attorney dino general eyed the dino judge gravely in the still mountain air. 

“Bend the knee.”

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Price is Right Peace Plan …

“Good evening. You’re in the Sit You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m the Wolfblitzer.”

The grizzled, grey-skinned Mediacircustops, looked around the cramped cave at his loyal, captive audience. That is, a dozen tree-rubbing herbivores who’d discovered a liberal patch of bluegrass in the corner two weeks before. They’d refused to leave, munching thoughtfully through each of his hard-hitting interviews.

“We have — you guessed it — breaking news or as I like to call it, Uh-Oh, What Did the T-Rump Do Today? The Tyrumposaurus slammed the Special Counsel dino, the Muellersavus yet again in his daily diatribe. This comes as the Muellersavus will be speaking before two Kongrus Kave committees next month. I’ll be talking about that with a key dino from the T-Rump’s inner circle and his family, proving once more that nepotism is not extinct. Welcome the son-in-law and Senior-Go-To-Dino for the T-Rump, the Kushneratops.”

The sound of munching in the background.

“Jared, before I rake you over the coals, I want to get your reaction to the T-Rump accusing the Muellersavus of harassment. This comes after the leader of the Dino Nation has been roaring from the Oval Dwelling that the Muellersavus’ Report exonerates him. What is the T-Rump afraid of that he doesn’t want the Muellersavus to say? What in the world is going on?”

“Honestly, Wolf. Collusion with the Russodinos? Please. Utter nonsense and a waste of time. But I was happy to cooperate with any investigations.”

“Does that include the investigation into the long list of reasons why you shouldn’t have received your security clearance?”

“I married his daughter, Wolf. I think he can trust me.”

“Getting back to the report. The Muellersavus did conclude there was Russodino interference. So it wasn’t a complete waste of time, was it?”

The Kushneratops put on his pouty face.

“I don’t think that’s why they’re calling him, but it’s kind of neither here nor there.”

“Then, ahem … where is it?”

The Kushneratops’ pouty face grew … poutier.

“What do you mean where? How dare you question my purposely vague and ambiguous response!”

“Welcome to the world of feet-to-the-fire questions. You’re in the Sit, You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m Wolf … Oh, I already said that. Let’s get to another sensitive issue where I’m sure you’ll give me that not-another-hangnail look. You began with no foreign policy experience in the Middle Eastlands and now the T-Rump has tossed the Migration Dilemma into your lap. You do know about the two Latinonachos who drowned at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Such deplorable conditions. You’re a father with dino tots. Why isn’t your father-in-law doing more to protect families?

“I don’t think that’s a fair question, Wolf.”

“Not fair? Forgive me for ruffling your feathers — again — but I’m not a Foxsquawkbox dino and your job description does include looking out for the welfare of any and all dinos who are on Milkanhoney Preservation soil.”

The Kushneratops bristled.

“The T-Rump has been very clear. It’s a dino-eat-dino world out there. This is where the moolah-moolah is and that’s why dinos want to come. The T-Rump wants them to come and their numbers are down thanks to his great leadership.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. But these dino tots, shouldn’t they at least be taken care of?”

“Absolutely. Wherever they are. We’re doing the best we can. But it’s obviously an unusual circumstance. We’re working hard to improve the situation.”

The Wolfblitzer scowled at him.

“That was another vague, ambiguous and dare I say cryptic answer.”

“Okay, Wolf, I’ll level with you in the vernacular our base has no problem following.”

“Please do.”

“I know it’s something the T-Rump’s looking at. There’s a bunch of different versions and a bunch of different clauses being discussed. A bunch of different, uh … stuff.  But I know he’s looking at it. I know that.”

“I’m sorry, Jared. You’re not giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling. But maybe it’s because I’m a reptile. Let’s move on to your long-awaited peace plan for the Middle Eastlands. You claim to have the hey-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer to stop dinos from attacking other dinos in the Middle Eastlands. Hmph. I understand nobody showed up.”

“That’s right. No Palestinos and no Israelisaurae. But everyone else was there.”

“Except the two parties that mattered the most.”

“The plan, Wolf. The plan! I spent two weeks, I mean … two years working on it. It got great acclaim. It’s ambitious. It’s thoughtful. Very thoughtful. And detailed. Lots of details.”

“Such as?”

“I can’t get into that now, but remember, the T-Rump is known for keeping his word. I can tell you he’s just put forward a very detailed 140-footprints in the sand How to Live plan with a lot of detail that’s getting very, very wide acclaim. Dinos think it’s very competent, very smart, very thoughtful.”

“How thoughtful?”

“Why, thank you.”

“No, I was asking … never mind. Will there be a two-dino solution, the Palestinos and the Israelisaurae, each with land to call their home?”

“Wolf, after we give them 50 billion moolah-moolah leaves, they would live in the same cave. I would.”

“Not so sure about that. What about security?”

“The T-Rump wants security for both parties. I don’t see why they can’t live side by side, together like we do right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“Not at all. We’re also rolling out a peace plan that will have all the details — about 60 footprints in the sand at this point. Again, it’s probably the most detailed proposal ever put out. Coming on the heels of the 140 footprints-in-the-sand Way of Life plan, that’s 200 footprints of plans, Wolf. Has to be the most. Has to.”

“So what you’re saying is that the Palestinos will not be independent.”

“Wolf, thanks to the T-Rump’s leadership we’re casting the Iranosaurus as the real enemy. I’m sure the Palestinos and Israelisaurae can put aside their differences to appreciate that. We didn’t pull out of the Iranosaurus deal for nothing.”

The Wolfblitzer shook his head in frustration.

“But all the dinos in the region, including those who will actually be providing the moolah-moolah, have insisted on a two-dino solution.”

“I guess you’ve been the Wolfblitzer because you’re not a patient dino.”

“And I guess you’ve been the Kushneratops because you believe moolah-moolah solves everything. Like the billion you received for your 666 Devil’s Lair from the hoodwinked Qatarsaurae. Have you no soul? Our bluegrass-chewing audience wants to know. Whose interests are you working for?”

“Wolf … heh-heh … too much information. What did I say about details? Look, we’ll just see what happens over the next couple of months. I think — I mean, I hope the next thing happening will be that we’ll release our peace plan and dinos will react to it accordingly. Because we know what’s best for them, right?”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one. Finally, with regards to foreign policy, is this the new T-Rump Doctrine?”

“Yes, of course. We’re a peace broker and I’m sure you know, Wolf, brokering peace comes with a price.”