Tag: Humour

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Satire The Trump Dig

Sessionsopus & Muellersavus!

Sometimes the bones whisper. Sometimes they scream. Today was a screaming day at Puhl-DePlugg. These weren’t shouts of jubilation at the discovery of yet two more dinosaurs. This brings the total to a staggering 35. The fossilized commotion instead had the T-Rump appearing to snipe back at the two new dinos: the Sessionsopus and the Muellersavus.

The Sessionopus was a maximus-justis sauropod with a relatively complete skull. The Muellersavus meanwhile, was a titano-investigatis ankylosaurid whose bones offer a pristine view into the intricate strata of the Kremlinville Close-Mouthed Plot — the latest sedimentary layer in my T-Rump Tower classification. Its dark depth is massive.

It appears, in paleo-political parlance, that the Sessionsopus had, as a matter of course, recused himself outside of the T-Rump’s reach. This obviously left the T-Rump seething and taking aim next at the Muellersavus. There’s a curious red line in the sand between them. This may have something to do with their mytaxes returnis. This is the thick layer of green skin that dinosaurs shed each spring. It’s a painful process that all dinosaurs must undergo. Except for the T-Rump.

Walnut-sized brains aside, I can’t explain why the dinosaurs close to the T-Rump are okay with this. It can only mark the first contagious psychological disease of the Trumpassic Period. Following extensive rock-turning analysis, I have dubbed it the Lost Our Logic Syndrome or LOL.

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Then There Were 8 …

How many dinosaurs can you fit in a phone booth? We’re now up to eight. That’s the problem with the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. I was hoping for more transparency between the T-Rump and the Mediacircustops because the T-Rump is indeed cratering. Tis better to laugh than cry however. Sift on, Macduff! That would be my trusty dirt box. (Sift. Sift. Sift.)

The eighth dinosaur is the Kaveladzoma, yet another member of the Sub-Family Kayjeebeeops. Yes, you guessed it. He’s linked closely to the Agalarovenator. They’re both Lamborghinius — racing field lizards — from the Mid-to-High Crustaceous-Crocus Group Period. The Kaveladzoma, a voracious but tidy herbivore, was known to have washed his greens 1.4 billion times on 2000 different banks of the Russo-Delaware Broker Ridge.

The T-Rump may have thought this was merely an instant in time but why so many Kayjeebeeops in one place? Were the Akhmetshinesia, Kaveladzoma and Goldsopranos, a ten-ton sycophantae sauropod from the Jersey Shore Shelf all there merely to facilitate a meeting regarding baby dinos the Veselnitschemus and the T-Rump’s horde? Did this have anything to do with her being mere dirt-throwing distance from the Crookadillary?

Downward ho, Macduff! That’s paleontology! That’s politics!

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

The Smoking Bone …

 

LarsonFarSide_DinosaursSurely this couldn’t be. It made me recall the classic Gary Larson Far Side cartoon included here. No, the dinosaurs didn’t smoke cigarettes, so how did I come across the smoking bone? Allow me to recap this landmark day, a turning point in the Trumpassic Period. I’ve of course had no time to continue work on the Obamacarus and Economonyx, two duty-bound Dryosauridae that remain stuck in the mud.

No, there were bigger Pholidophorus* to fry.  Like the forensic unit of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I always get my bone. And we have a whopper for today. Little T-Rump Jr. gave up a big one. In his “skeleton closet” or backbone, I found a rather long goldstona emailia —  a gold-like chain of linked little bones that when combined made a great tail.

Inside these bones, I found the rampant signs of osteocollusionitis, a rare dinosaur bone disorder only found in the Trumpassic Period. These findings were confirmed by my Russian ex-pat colleague, Fedya Fibsulov.

To what extent the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir is infected remains to be seen, but after discovering and having the privilege of naming 23 new dinosaur species, this major dig is finally coming together.

 * The Pholidophorus was a teleost fish from the Triassic and Jurassic periods.

Categories
Satire

Amazing New Drug for PSB …

Sitting there with nothing to do? Feeling like your imagination has left you?
You may be one of 143 million Americans who suffer from PSB. Plain Simple Boredom. Fortunately there is relief for your lackadaisical ways. Screwitol.

This new drug has been clinically proven in double blind tests on three blind mice. Screwitol was designed when, on a lark, the makers at Freemoney harmaceuticals mixed an intense anti-laxative with highly concentrated prune juice. The result is Screwitol — an internal smoldering volcano that will get you out of your chair within minutes. You may want to consult your physician or put your affairs in order due to the following side effects:

  • Upon taking your first horse pill of Screwitol, consider yourself screwed.
  • In most cases your boredom will initially increase before you suffer excruciating, mind-numbing, wish-you-were-dead pain … like giving birth and passing a kidney stone at the same time.
  • Blood will indeed come out of your eyes and ears.
  • Genetic defects from your ancestry will quickly return.
  • Do not take with food or water unless you want to projectile vomit.
  • You will wish you had a shattered knee cap instead.
  • Other symptoms include Black Plague-like lesions, goosebumps that giddily turn into warts in a rapid onset of leprosy that would give even Mother Teresa pause.
  • You will experience Buyer’s Remorse and want to give away all your money.
  • You will find yourself clipping coupons that expired 20 years ago.
  • You will believe you’re a zombie from Walking Dead.
  • You will go blind.
  • Your toes will curl up and fall off.
  • Your belly button will blast off, mortally wounding a friend or someone close.
  • You will consider self-immolation.
  • All your appendages will fall off one by one.
  • Your flatulence will be chemical weapon calibre.
  • Doctors recommend not blowing your nose. Your head will explode.
  • You will grow a Siamese twin.
  • Your tongue will no longer taste and your teeth will fall out.
  • You will enter a hypnotic state and not lawyer up whenever you hear the word Screwitol.
  • You will lose all sensory perception.
  • Your pets will no longer love you.
  • You will never sleep again.
  • You will never eat again.
  • You will never love again.
  • You will never do anything — worthwhile — again.
Fight back against PSB and end your boredom now with Screwitol. Your last week of life depends on it. Ask for it by name and say it loud. Prices will increase upon reading this.
(This is a satirical piece. Please like, follow, or comment. Do not send money.)