Category: Political Satire

“Where’s Rudy?” 

It was the popular refrain these days. The Impeachment Days. Or the salad days for unsuspecting herbivores who once trusted their governing dinos. The Grandoldparty defense of whataboutism-hearsay-bad process-repeat had done little to allay the Donkeykongrus’ overland, hill and dale, methodical, calculated attack on the Tyrumposaurus, who squatted nervously in the Oval Dwelling with the Devilnunes, the Jimjordan and the Dougcollins at his tail. The Mickmulvaney had been given another week off. Something about a long walk-about for the ol’ walnut.

The T-Rump’s tongue slithered out and snapped back in his mouth. He wasn’t about to ask again.

“The Rudygiuliani?” scoffed the Dougcollins. “Who needs him?”

“Don’t talk about my lawyer that way. We wouldn’t be here without him.”

“Uh, that’s not a good thing, boss. Rudy’s nothing but trouble. He’s going to be in the Solitary Sinkhole by the end of the month.”

“I give him two weeks,” said the Jimjordan. “Any takers? How ‘bout you, Devil?”

The Devilnunes didn’t answer. He was sulking under a cloud of embarrassment since it had been discovered he’d traveled to the Ukraine Plain prior to the scandal and had then kept quiet about it during the committee hearing even though it was a blatant conflict of interest.

“Where’s Rudy?” asked the Jimjordan before remembering where he was. “Oh, sorry. This distraction-obfuscation thing, been doing it for three years now. Kind of forget where I am sometimes.”

He put a short arm around the Devilnunes.

“Don’t take it so bad, Devil. Hey, how about Dougie here? That Rhodescholarus dino, the Pamelakarlin, she really gob-stomped you yesterday, didn’t she? You insulted her, Dougie! Insulted her!”

The Jimjordan and the Dougcollins exchanged high- and low-fives … about eight inches apart.

“I oughta give you a raise, Doug,” said the T-Rump. “Except, well, you know.”

“I know, I know. You don’t have any moolah-moolah handy.”

The T-Rump never had any moolah handy.

“It’s all tied up on the banks,” he explained for the thousandth time. “Drying out. Should have some leaves for you soon. Next week maybe.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

The Stephaniegrisham poked her nose into the Oval Dwelling. The T-Rump’s nose rose.

“What is it, doll?”

“That, that old battle-dino, the Nancypelosi. She announced that they’re drawing up articles for your impeachment. How dare she! I mean, who does she think she is? That’s not in the Continental Divide!”

“Actually, it is,” said the Dougcollins. “This is getting serious, boss. Who are we gonna call?”

“Where’s Rudy?”

Miles away the Rudygiuliani muddled through his own walk-about. But his was no ordinary walk-about. He was a dino on a mission with just one thing on his mind. A light rain began to fall, the raindrops dancing off the leaves around him. His thoughts turned melodious and he began to sing … 

 

The ugliness of this farce, it seems more baseless and malicious

Than their first attempted coup — a take-down so fictitious!

Fuhgeddabowdit, I can’t lay low, forgotten in Manhattan

I’m going home to find more willing prey 

I left my heart in Kiev, Ukraine

Deep in a cave, Shokin calls to me

To be where my little smear and clear got Yovanovitch outta here

And even though I’m under investigation, I don’t care!

I would love to shift the focus to Kiev, Ukraine

And those bad Bidens, unlike my pals, Igor and Lev

When I come home to you, Kiev, Ukraine

Your golden dirt will set the T-Rump free!

 

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“This is one big Picklesaurus we’re in,” the Rudygiuliani said with his freakish grimace —  his googly eyes bouncing around his forehead. He’d been doing this a lot lately.

“Did somebody say Picklesaurus?” asked the Tyrumposaurus. “I’m hungry. I’m always hungry. Why do I have to tell dinos that? Don’t they know? Stephanie,  you do know I’m hungry don’t you? Do something!”

The Stephaniegrisham knew better than to ask where she was going to find a Picklesaurus at this time of the night. Were Picklesaurae nocturnal? She didn’t know. She cursed the Huckabeecyclops and her long laugh that had echoed through the Oval Dwelling when she’d left. 

The T-Rump and his cavalcade of legal dinos had gathered to discuss their strategy. The dino depositions were over. The Grandoldparty dinos had complained long and loud about all the witnesses’ hearsay and how the T-Rump had been shut out of the process. Never mind that this was the very definition of how dino depositions had been carried out down through the ages. These days if you looked at the Lindseygraham wrong you were accused of dino-slaughter.

Next up in the impeachment process was the dino judge committee hearing. The Jaysekulow rose from his squat.

“Sorry to say, but it looks like we’re screwed. If we participate, we legitimize the process and just make the T-Rump look guilty. If we don’t participate, we could continue our story that there has been no due process and the whole thing is just a hoax. But the Donkeykongrus will nail us then for more obstruction and call it a big cover-up.”

“That’s it?” gasped the T-Rump. “And you’re working for me for free? You should be paying me to squat here and listen to this garbage. I’m a sick dino, you know. Not that kind of sick. You’re killing me here!”

Legal dino after legal dino rose from their squat, raised a short arm, remembered they had nothing to say and squatted back into languishing embarrassment. How did a dino defend the T-Rump? You may as well try to put the lava back in the volcano.

A tail whack at the entrance caused them all to breathe the sigh of reprieve. It was their arch-enemy. The Jerrynadler.

“What are you doing here?” snapped the T-Rump. “Don’t I see enough of you at work?”

“Yes. Be that as it may, I’m here to let you know of this week’s plans, what with the hearing we’ve planned. Ahem. You know, for your impeachment?”

“You had to remind me. Hurry up. Get it over with and be on your way.”

“Uh … do you mind if I sing it to you?”

“Every dino’s a musician this month. Well, I know you won’t be singing like the Gordonsondland. Or the Mickmulvaney if he ever thinks I can’t keep my fat foot on his scrawny little yellow neck. Did I just say that? I, uh … didn’t know you could sing, Nadler.”

“I can’t. I just like the tune.”

The Jerrynadler tapped his tail on the ground and outside the wind in the woods arrived with such brass.

 

I can see we’re thinking about the same things

Yes, I see your worry when a crony sings

We both know there’s an impeachment happening here

There’s no sense dancing around the subject

Immune you’re not, you simply cannot deflect 

Well, you know now.

There’s something here to fear.

 

You can talk to us.

Talk to us.

You can talk to us.

You can understand the fuss, maybe

 

Now is your chance for your story to be heard

There’s a deadline to participate inside

Again, this means you

I know you think it’s hard

To come out of hiding

But just so you know who’s barred

No, Hunterbiden

No Whistleblower, but there’s something you can do

 

You can talk to us

You can talk to us, I know you’re down now

You can talk to us.

T-T- ahem … Talk to us.

 

Now, you may lie to our face, we’ll turn the other cheek

So the legal dinos can find the penalty they seek

Your wall runs high against what we hold dear

Let that wall come down

Seems right to me

You can make amends or get the third degree

You need some friends who see the danger here

 

You can talk to us

Talk to us, time to take your bow

You can talk to us

You can one day be free. Maybe.

Well, just remember that I’m pulling the strings

And like the judge said, we don’t need any kings

 

Do not disregard. We’ll just call this tough love.

Because we know of all your schemes, that should be enough

You want to see who? Maybe.

Some advice for you? Maybe.

Talk to us. Yes.

Sorry to say, no, you can’t have everything.

 

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You can hear the musical version of this post this Saturday — and other past T-Rump Dig posts — at Podbean. Enjoy!

 

Within his bloated stomach, his intestines growled angrily erupting with a long-drawn-out, guttural burp. The Tyrumposaurus had eaten a bad Cheezbuggabugga and been forced to make an emergency visit to his dino doc. Following a healthy sip of unhealthy swamp water, the T-Rump was recovering in the dino “Be Better Den”. He looked up, recognizing the other dino beside him.

“The Rickwilson? What are you doing in here?”

“Doc said I had an acute attack of Snarkiness. And I think I’m about to relapse.”

“No, why are you in here? I should have my own den. You know I don’t share anything.”

“Don’t worry, the doc said I wouldn’t be here long. Something about laughter, however sarcastic, still being good medicine. My therapy dino is arriving shortly.”

There was a tap-tap tail rap at the entrance and a handsome dino, the Stingosaurus entered the den.

“Here he is now. Sting!” the Rickwilson greeted him. “How’s our project coming?”

“Great. I was just putting the finishing touches on it.”

“What project is that?” asked the T-Rump.

The Stingosaurus looked at the Rickwilson.

“You didn’t tell him?”

“About what?” asked the T-Rump.

“We wrote a song for you,” said the Rickwilson.

“Isn’t that a coincidence?”

“You’re all I think about,” the Rickwilson said with a cheesy grin. 

“That’s great. Just great. I’ve been meaning to commission a song about me for a long time. Nobody would do it. I mean, I just never got around to it. I mean, look at all the great things I’ve done. So many great things. And how I’ve made the Milkanhoney Preservation a better place for every dino.”

“There are so many,” said the Stingosaurus.

“Well, what are you waiting for? I don’t have all day. Sing, dammit. Sing me my song.”

 

Everything you touch and every move as such

Every useless crutch, every tweet too much, all are dead from you

Every single day with every boast you bray

Every law you slay, every name betrayed, all are dead from you

Oh, can’t you be locked up, toss the key 

How this green earth quakes with every hand you shake

Every rep your snake, and every swamp your lake

Every day you wake, every oath you break, all are dead from you

 

Since day one you have been a huge disgrace

That ugly smirk crawls again right up your face 

As you pull the wool o’er your sheepish base 

I feel so bold, we have your impeachment case

I keep crying, “Maybe, maybe, please”

Oh, can’t you be locked up, toss the key

How this green earth quakes with every hand you shake

Every Sean Spicer and every McMaster

Every Bob Corker, every Kurt Volker, all are dead from you

Every smug Kushner, every T-Rump Jr., all are dead from you

 

All are dead from you

Every Chris Christie, every James Comey

Every John Kelly, every Rick Perry (all are dead from you)

Every Ryan Zinke, every Mulvaney

Every Sally Yates, every Ricky Gates (all are dead from you)

Every poor McCabe, every weak Ukraine 

Every sad Jeff Flake, every heaven’s sake (all are dead from you)

Every Reince Priebus, every James Maddis

Every Don McGahn, every Lindsey Graham (all are dead from you)

Every Gary Cohn, every Pompeo

Every Jeff Sessions, every Tillerson (all are dead from you)

Every Steve Bannon, every John Bolton

Every McFarland, every Jim Jordan (all are dead from you)

Every Mark Meadows, every Navarro

Every McCarthy, every McKinley

The Levparnas was in dino jail. The Solitary Sinkhole, where bad dinos whiled away the time wondering where exactly they should leave their fossil footprint in the floor. Left side? Right side? In profile, what was their best side?

But all was not lost. The Levparnas had a good legal dino. Nay, a great legal dino. One that was savvy enough to perhaps get even this low-level shenanigan shyster out of the clink. Apparently Lev’s lawyer, the Josephbondy, had caught wind of a conversation the Devilnunes had had with a shady prosecutor in the Ukraine Plain the year previous about — guess who? — the Joebiden. Dinos everywhere were aghast. N-o-o-o-o. Say it ain’t so. Not the Devilnunes!

Which is why the Donkeykongrus Intelligence Committee convened a first-thing-Monday-morning emergency meeting to discuss this latest-breaking bombshell. 

The dino chair the Adamschiff whacked his tail against the flat rock ledge and the meeting came to order. The dino chair gazed around the cave.

“I hereby recognize the Josephbondy, the legal dino for the Levparnas.”

“I object!” said the Devilnunes.

“Why am I not surprised? The ranking dino is not recognized.”

“You know who I am!”

“That’s not what I meant. Please refer to your committee clause six-sixty. That’s six-six-zero.”

“Oh. Here we go again with the two plus two. How dumb do you think we are?”

“Funny you should ask. I think we’ll just let the legal dino before us tell his story.”

The Josephbondy blinked twice and licked his lips. He raised his short arm to the Adamschiff.

“Yes, what is it?”

“I was just wondering. Could you, um … before I speak, could you get the dinos in the audience to hum in the key of C-major?”

“Excuse me? Did you say C-major?”

“Yes, it will provide the atmosphere, the, um … backdrop I’m looking for during my presentation.”

“It’s a trick!” hollered the Devilnunes. “No humming, dammit!”

The Adamschiff ignored the ranking member, instead nodding to the dino audience and their humming began. 

 

His glare is hollow bold 

His deflections unwise

His digging dirt now told

We got Devilnunes lies

He’ll turn the music on you

The hypocrite’s device

He’s sick as a mad cow

We got Devilnunes lies

And he’ll seize you, he’ll displease you

All the better just to sleaze you

He’s atrocious, and he knows just what it

Takes to make T-Rump gush

All the legal dino’s can now rise, we got Devilnunes lies

 

He sometimes likes to roam

To T-Rump at midnight

At the mouth, he may foam

We got Devilnunes lies

He’ll break a promise to you

They got caught, he denies

Shame a patriot too

We got Devilnunes lies

It just shows you, when he throws you 

Off the trail with the bums he goes to

He’s atrocious and he knows just what it

Takes to make T-Rump gush

Now we know that he’s a spy, we got Devilnunes lies

 

And he’ll seize you, he’ll displease you

All the better just to sleaze you

He’s atrocious and he knows just what it 

Takes to make T-Rump gush

Now we know that he’s a spy, we got Devilnunes lies

He’ll seize you

He’ll displease you

Just to sleaze you

We got Devilnunes lies

It just shows you

When he throws you

He hosed you, we got Devilnunes lies

 

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You can catch the above musical version in this Saturday’s podcast at Podbean.

The Nancypelosi smiled fitfully in her sleep, eyes rolling behind eyelids.

She was dreaming and in her dream she found herself in her favorite place, prancing up a hill in the Salzburg-Alpine Meadowlands. She said a silent prayer, thankful for how surprisingly nimble her joints were today. A cool breeze washed over her as she spun around, taking in the vast countryside, a continent of dandelions dwarfed by the scenic, snow-capped Hossenfeffer Mountains. Her heart soared just as high at the joy enveloping her, a happy parade that not even the Jimjordan or that uppity dino tart, the Elisestefanick, could rain upon.

Yes, the Nancypelosi knew she deserved this break from the cantankerous Grandoldparty dinos — walnut brains that on a good day couldn’t uncross their eyes. But now, with the impeachment hearings seemingly complete, the Devilnunes and company were still willing to dive head first into Kookoo-for-Cocopuffs Chasm in their defense of the Tyrumposaurus’ bribery of the leader of the Ukraine Plain for dirt on the Joebiden. Even after the Fionahill, a dino expert in all matters ripe with Russodino poop, had testified that the Ukraine Plain meddling in the T-Rump’s victory was a woefully false narrative, incredibly, the Grandoldparty still lined up lock-step with the Putinodon’s platform.

But there had been a break. A big, monumental break. The kind of break that made a dreaming dinosaur believe there was truth, justice and a backbone somewhere within the Grandoldparty. 

And with that sensational thought bursting to the surface, the Nancypelosi crested that Salzburg-Alpine hill, practically scampering, spinning with her short arms outstretched, fresh dandelions tangled between her not-so-fresh toes, the Hossenfeffers high over her shoulders and a song leaping from her lips …

 

The Hill is alive with the Sondland singing

In the hand he played as a millionaire

The Hill fills my heart with the Sondland singing

Everyone’s in the loop, no surprise there

 

My heart is a twitter with all these jailbirds

That shook down the poor Zelensky

Directions came from T-Rump, with the cry  

Go! Go talk to Rudy!

Who laughs like a crook when he slips and his cover’s

Blown everyday

To fight the good fight; Mulvaney, Pompeo, Pence put away

 

I go to the Hill when I sense a phony

The Oval Dwelling is filled to the core 

T-Rump is now cursed with the Sondland singing

Kick him out the door!

“Are you sure you want to say that?”

The Devilnunes glared at the Gordonsondland who was sweating profusely. 

The dino ambassador wiped his dripping brow. This may have merely been a dress rehearsal, a mock impeachment hearing the Grandoldparty dinos had put together in the subterranean chamber below the one where the Donkeykongrus had held their deposition proceedings. But having a conversation with the Devilnunes on a good day was a daunting task.

“I’m sorry, Devil, I’m just saying I already changed my story once. You want me to change it again?”

“Woah. Stop right there. I never said that. I’m just saying you need to be very careful with what you say. You don’t want to incriminate you know who.”

“But I was there when he shouted into my ear and three other dinos heard that all he cared about was the Joebiden and he didn’t give a platypus poop about the Ukraine Plain.”

“Way too much info,” said the Jimjordan. “I’m getting a headache just listening to you. The average dino at home doesn’t want to know anything about the Muellersavus probe.”

“Uh, this isn’t about the Muellersavus probe.”

The Jimjordan snickered.

“C’mon. Don’t start that one. Don’t go there, Gordie. It’s been well documented by every long-tailed conservative dino in the land that everything — and I mean everything — stems from the bogus Muellersavus probe. Facts, facts and more facts. All the facts. Right there.”

“Thanks, Jim,” said the Devilnunes, who turned to the Gordonsondland. “Look, we can’t have any more … ahem, loose testimony. Where do you squat on this? You’ve got to let us know here and now ..”

“Here and now!” snapped the Jimjordan.

“Shut up, Jim. I’ve got this. Don’t you have another skin to shed? Ahem. What’s it going to be, Gordon? Are you with us or not? Are you playing with that idea of the sickly truth or are you willing, like our martyr-like muckrakers — the Papadopoulus, the Manaforta, the Flynnhasbeen, the Rogerstone — to take one for the team and spend a piece in the Solitary Sinkhole, waiting for a pardon from the T-Rump? You can do it, Gordo. You know the T-Rump will go bonkers if you shed any more light on this … this … big stuff.”

Another dino entered the cave. It was the T-Rump.

Hi, there! 

I’m on my way I’m faking it 

I’ve got to make more dough yeah

So much larger than life

Cuz that’s all I care about

 

The Zelensky comes from the weak Ukraine

They are so weak, they’re for the birds

And so me, I can jump on that

I worked it out

He’ll be stretching his mouth to love my ass, and there’s no doubt

Anything or he’s shut-out

Not one but two, investigations

I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys, so much stuff I will own

And I will stay as the big dog, as you kneel to my big perch

 

Big stuff, I’m on my way I’m faking it, big stuff

Big stuff, I’ve got to make more dough yeah, big stuff

Big stuff, so much larger than life

Big stuff, cuz that’s all I care about, big stuff

 

My rallies have all the big names and I fleece them with the widest smile

Tell them how my life is one big impeachment

And always they say yes when I tell them to hold the assistance

I have it made in the mountain shade with my loud voice ringing in my big fat head

And my long reign will be the longest reign, I’ll just say the Bidens once more

 

Big stuff, I’m on my way I’m faking it, big stuff

Big stuff, I’ve got to make more dough yeah, big stuff

Big stuff, so much larger than life

Big stuff, cuz that’s all I care about, big Stuff

Big stuff, my star is getting bigger, big stuff, my cave is getting bigger

Big stuff, my lies are getting bigger, Big stuff

And my mouth

Big stuff, my crowd’s are getting bigger

Big stuff, I am paramount

Big stuff, my emergency grants

Big stuff, and the bulge in my big big big big big big big big big big big big big big stuff 

Hi there!