Category: Political Satire

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house of the Grandoldparty — whose young tot shall remain anonymous lest the Tyrumposaurus feel the need to upstage said party member’s young dino by bringing his own innocent offspring into the fray, at the consuming, fuming consternation of the Tymelania. But I predictably digress … as does any Trumpassic Period timeline.

The Grandoldparty dino’s tot couldn’t sleep. Visions of slow-running red meat and funny-looking leaves not to be run through were interrupted by the sudden pride he felt for his father. Daddy. Who made sure they still had a cave roof over their heads, better than so many dinos on the other side of the jungle tracks these days. Daddy only had to work one job. That made Daddy important.

As did all dino tots, he looked up to his Daddy. Sure, the other dinos in the school yard picked on him sometimes and called his Daddy names but what did they know? He wished he knew. Daddy was a good dino. His hero. He was there when things were bad, like when he kept wading into water and it suddenly was over his head. Daddy was good for noticing that. Daddy he could turn to. Mommy was always worrying about him getting eaten. Daddy said what didn’t kill you, you should kill. The dino tot could share his feelings with Daddy on anything. Daddy always put him on the right path. Especially when they were hungry. Daddy knew best. Daddy wouldn’t let him down. That’s why he loved him with all his heart. Every bit of it.

The dino tot’s stomach gurgled, growled, gurgled and growled some more. He rose from his sleep. He must be hungry. Yeah, that was it. His sleepy eyes brightened. Maybe Daddy would take him down a path that led to a nice, big, tasty late-night snack. He got out of his nest and wandered outside their cave into the darkness. 

What happened next would be frozen in his mind for years to come.  Wise old dinos would later take him under their wing, urging him to sing about his ordeal to help ease the bitter sting of such trauma. All part of the recovery process of course. The song? It went something like this …

I saw Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt

Squatting beside Crapper Creek last night

He didn’t see me weep

At the thought of him so cheap

It was therapy I’d seek

To forever fall asleep

Then I saw Daddy drop to T-Rump’s knee 

And look up at him, eyes wide with fright

Oh, it was a pathetic scene

And it made my face turn green

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night

Then, I saw Daddy licking T-Rump’s feet

Between all his toes, oh, what a sight!

It was the grossest thing I’ve seen

How he sucked and licked them clean!

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night

Oh, how could one man be so mean? 

He made Daddy look obscene 

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night
………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-5k3wx-cc2f23

Welcome back! This week’s two T-Rump tracks include: Day 1061 — “Your Cheatin’ Heart” … Can the Moscowmitch find time for the Hogangidley? … and … Day 1065 — “Everything I Do” … The impeachment dust has finally settled and the Moscowmitch has some cheering up to do. Enjoy!

“Abandoned! He abandoned me! How could he? I ask you, where’s the loyalty? Huh, where is it?”

The Moscowmitch knew better than to answer right away. It would just send the Tyrumposaurus around the bend if another dino happened to slip and fall into the conversation.

The T-Rump was fuming at the Markmeadows’ sudden announcement that he would not be seeking another term. Something about having something else to do. Like renovating his split-level cave or languishing belly-up in the lagoon. The Grandoldparty brass expressly stated it had absolutely nothing to do with the T-Rump being impeached the day before. Many in the Oval Dwelling staff had been given the day off following that landmark meltdown.

The Moscowmitch swallowed hard. His job these days was three-fold: hand-holder, butt-kicker and back-stabber. 

“Don’t worry, T-Rump. Everything’s going to be okay. You’re taking this impeachment thing much too hard. I mean, it’s only happened three times in history. Oh sure, It may seem like the worst impeachment. Okay, I admit it. It is. But here, to show you how much I’m on your side — because I know you’ll forget about all this tomorrow, I got the Bryanadams to write a song from me for you. He finally agreed after I took my foot off his neck. He said he was uncomfortable about doing it. I suppose from trying to capture my feelings for you in such a personal way, but I always get my way.”

The Moscow Mitch smiled with glee. The T-Rump was confused. 

“Your way? You’re not trying to upstage me, are you?”

“No, no. I got my way for you.”

“Because it’s my way. Always my way, right?”

“Right. That’s right. You mean so much to me, T-Rump. I can’t believe we’re still here. Me, you. Especially you. In some crazy way, I owe it all to you. So this song is from me to you. Respect, loyalty, call it what you want. It really all comes down to how I feel about you and this, this past week. Helluva week.”

“Everybody else is writing songs about me. So many songs. Too many. I get tired of listening to them. Still, they write them for me. What took you so long?”

“I just told you. The Bryanadams. Personal. My feelings? For you? Remember? I told him everything he needed to know.”

“Everything?”

“Well, not everything. Plausible deniability is the hallmark of any corrupt dino government if they are to succeed. If you recall what the Putinodon told us.”

“Huh? Oh, sure. Of course.”

“So when the Bryanadams is singing, just remember, the song? It’s from me to you. Me to you. Like I was singing it. Pretend I’m singing it. Okay?”

“Alright already. Get the Bryanadams out here. Sing the song. My song.”

The Moscowmitch raised a thumb to the Bryanadams and the warm wind suddenly changed and the leaves fairly tickled the breeze.

“Me to you.”

“Shut up!”

Look into my eyes — you will see

What you’ve done to me

Sold my heart, sold my soul

Forgot the oath I swore

Trust me no more

Don’t ask for witnesses. What for?

I’m an impartial juror to the core

And though I’m screwed

Everything I do, I do it for you

If you had a heart — you would find

We have so much to hide

She made me what I am, take my wife

If it came to her, I would sacrifice

You want to know our latest moral score?

Just lower the Williambarr to the floor 

And though they boo

Everything I do, I do it for you

There’s no shove like your shove

And no other tweet from above

We’re nowhere because you’re there

All the time, in the way

Could you once be smart, maybe? 

Oh, you may think a show trial is in store

But I want this quick and done forever more

I would wait for you, I’d wait for you

Like Merrickgarland, yes, I’d wait for you

It sucks. It’s true

Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Mediacircustops elbowed each other for position. It was another impeachment scrum and the news was positively juicy. Dinos couldn’t wait to take a bite out of it.

The Moscowmitch stepped up to the rocky lectern.

“I just want to remind our Grandoldparty dinos that we will be staying lock-step with the Tyrumposaurus, the Oval Dwelling and all his legal dino hangers-on throughout the upcoming Sin Hut trial. No surprises. Everything I do, we will be coordinating with the Oval Dwelling, every single step of the way.”

“Excuse me, Moscowmitch?”

It was the Hogangidley, a Mediacircustops sub-species on the T-Rump communication team.

“Not now, Hogan. I’m in the middle of some quality shock-and-awe news. Please be quiet so they can feel the full affect.” He turned back to the Mediacircustops melee. “Again, we already know the outcome. There is positively no way the T-Rump will be impeached.”

“We’ll see about that!”

The Jerrynadler jumped up onto a nearby rock that gave him a leg up on the Moscow Mitch.

“You took a special oath to the Continental Divide when you sit in a dino impeachment trial. You pledged to do impartial justice and you just said you’re going to work with the T-Rump and his team? That’s a violation of your oath. A complete subversion of the Continental Divide scheme. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Now, now, Nadler, don’t get your tail in a knot. I do recall the …”

“Moscowmitch?” It was the Hogangidley again.

“Hogan! Don’t you have a home to go to?”

The Hogangidley withdrew somewhat.

“As I was saying, the Duckbill Clintonsaurus spoke a couple of times with his Grandoldparty dinos when he was being impeached for lying.”

“While the T-Rump is approaching 15 thousand lies,” said the Jerrynadler.

“Ah, but not one under oath.”

“Because you won’t let him talk under oath. You know he would perjure himself in three syllables.”

“Moscowmitch?” asked Hogan.

“What in bluegrass blazes is it, Hogan?”

“I – I … well, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you.”

“Well, uh … that’s nice, Hogan. I don’t know if this is the time or place for it.”

“I wrote you a song.”

“You did. Well, imagine that.” The Moscowmitch paused. No one had ever written a song for him. He perked up and forgot about dino party biz for a minute. “Maybe that’s what we need,” he said, warming to his audience. “A little pick me up from these past few weeks of negative, partisan division. Go ahead, Hogan. Let’s hear it. Ahem. Sing it loud now so the dinos in the back can hear you.”

Your cheatin’ heart

For all us sheep

We lie and lie

Then buy some creep

That creep’s so dumb

What can we do?

Your cheatin’ heart is right on cue

When T-Rump gets down

And acts insane

I hit the ground

And find no shame

To pout some more

The way I do

Your cheatin’ heart looks good on you

Your cheatin’ heart

So much to say

Push comes to shove

You’ll save the day

Their facts, ho-hum

Impeach? Can’t do!

Your cheatin’ heart, our world view

Ukraine shake-down

Seems pretty plain

Corruption found

Cuz that’s our name

You’ll walk next door

To T-Rump’s crew

Your cheatin’ heart will see us through 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“In conclusion,” said the dinosaur inspector general, the Michaelhorowitz, “Our investigation of the investigators showed that while they made a few mistakes in their treatment of that vapid vagabond, the Carterpage, that otherwise it was a perfect process with no bias, no spies, literally nothing of what the Grandoldparty was grandstanding upon. No witch hunt. No hoax. No deep state. I trust they will finally stop beating this dead dinosaur.”

The Williambarr raised a short arm.

“With all due respect, dear dino whom I might yet dismiss, I disagree on principle and the very fact this is how I intend to keep my job. I will hereby be launching an investigation of the investigators’ investigators’ investigators.

“Uh, that’s one too many investigators.”

“You might think so. I’m just staying one step ahead of the deep state.”

“I just said there is no deep state.”

“I’m not listening.”

“I’m listening.” The Jimjordan jumped in. “And I can’t believe my ears. Let’s repackage this right now so we can feed it to our friends, those good ol’ Foxsquawkbox dinos. Your report, Horowitz? News flash. We don’t care what you found out. Whatever it is, I officially declare a stunning victory for the Grandoldparty faithful and a colossal defeat for the Donkeykongrus. Got that? Now then. I have four facts here I need to drill into the Milkanhoney Preservation because you know what they say about confirmation bias. It wears off! Hah! Here goes. Fact number 1. The T-Rump is a great dino. He’s lied 13,400 times so, yes, of course he’s a pathological liar. To quote the Mickmulvaney, get over it! Number 2. The Ukraine Plain interfered in our election even though they desperately needed our military aid to avoid extinction at the hands of those pesky Russodinos. Don’t you see it? The fact they interfered makes no sense at all. Absolutely none. At. All. That’s why they did it! Fact number 3. That’s right, we have three facts. The Rudygiuliani was over in the Ukraine Plain again. And he’s going to keep going back. That little dino may cause a lot of trouble for us, but hot damn, tell me if deep, deep down beside those little butterflies in your gut you don’t feel something, I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy, right? And finally, fact number 4, this just in. One of Giuliani’s grubby, I mean, buddy dinos, the Levparnas, okay, he did receive a million moolah-moolah leaves from the Russodinos. But just hold on there. Before you go pointing fingers, you just give Rudy a fightin’ chance to go and find the Ukraine Plain link, okay. Because he’s a dino on a bloody bone. You owe him at least that.”

“Are you done?” came a voice from the side.

“Am I done? Don’t start with me, I’ll kick your …”

The voice belonged to the T-Rump.

“I’ll kick myself right in the teeth … before I ever use that tone again with you. Good to see you, boss. Have I groveled enough? You just tell me to roll over and I’ll play dead.”

But the T-Rump had already forgotten him. He turned to the rest of the Kongrus Kave.

“I saw some snow outside and there were some dinos exchanging gifts. It must be the holiday season and I remembered that its been awhile since you all have shown your loyalty to me. And gratitude. Don’t forget the gratitude.”

“We’re doing our best to save your bacon,” said the Moscowmitch.

“Do I look worried?  Oh, sure, I may have grumbled a bit. But I decided to do something about it. Fight fire with fire, so I wrote a little song.”

He looked around the Kongrus Kave. Nobody was going to ask him to sing it. They needed his backing. Not his voice.

“Alright then. Thanks for asking.”

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

I won’t cop a plea

It will be a great big show

To suit my vanity

Kim Jong Un will send me

A nice big gift that gleams

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

Just listen to those screams

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

When the Zelensky

Will finally come to know

That Putin is with me

Abuse of power. Who me?

Obstruction? In your dreams!

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

It’s just not what it seems

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!