Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

I’ll Be Impeached by Christmas …

“In conclusion,” said the dinosaur inspector general, the Michaelhorowitz, “Our investigation of the investigators showed that while they made a few mistakes in their treatment of the vapid vagabond, the Carterpage, …

“In conclusion,” said the dinosaur inspector general, the Michaelhorowitz, “Our investigation of the investigators showed that while they made a few mistakes in their treatment of that vapid vagabond, the Carterpage, that otherwise it was a perfect process with no bias, no spies, literally nothing of what the Grandoldparty was grandstanding upon. No witch hunt. No hoax. No deep state. I trust they will finally stop beating this dead dinosaur.”

The Williambarr raised a short arm.

“With all due respect, dear dino whom I might yet dismiss, I disagree on principle and the very fact this is how I intend to keep my job. I will hereby be launching an investigation of the investigators’ investigators’ investigators.

“Uh, that’s one too many investigators.”

“You might think so. I’m just staying one step ahead of the deep state.”

“I just said there is no deep state.”

“I’m not listening.”

“I’m listening.” The Jimjordan jumped in. “And I can’t believe my ears. Let’s repackage this right now so we can feed it to our friends, those good ol’ Foxsquawkbox dinos. Your report, Horowitz? News flash. We don’t care what you found out. Whatever it is, I officially declare a stunning victory for the Grandoldparty faithful and a colossal defeat for the Donkeykongrus. Got that? Now then. I have four facts here I need to drill into the Milkanhoney Preservation because you know what they say about confirmation bias. It wears off! Hah! Here goes. Fact number 1. The T-Rump is a great dino. He’s lied 13,400 times so, yes, of course he’s a pathological liar. To quote the Mickmulvaney, get over it! Number 2. The Ukraine Plain interfered in our election even though they desperately needed our military aid to avoid extinction at the hands of those pesky Russodinos. Don’t you see it? The fact they interfered makes no sense at all. Absolutely none. At. All. That’s why they did it! Fact number 3. That’s right, we have three facts. The Rudygiuliani was over in the Ukraine Plain again. And he’s going to keep going back. That little dino may cause a lot of trouble for us, but hot damn, tell me if deep, deep down beside those little butterflies in your gut you don’t feel something, I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy, right? And finally, fact number 4, this just in. One of Giuliani’s grubby, I mean, buddy dinos, the Levparnas, okay, he did receive a million moolah-moolah leaves from the Russodinos. But just hold on there. Before you go pointing fingers, you just give Rudy a fightin’ chance to go and find the Ukraine Plain link, okay. Because he’s a dino on a bloody bone. You owe him at least that.”

“Are you done?” came a voice from the side.

“Am I done? Don’t start with me, I’ll kick your …”

The voice belonged to the T-Rump.

“I’ll kick myself right in the teeth … before I ever use that tone again with you. Good to see you, boss. Have I groveled enough? You just tell me to roll over and I’ll play dead.”

But the T-Rump had already forgotten him. He turned to the rest of the Kongrus Kave.

“I saw some snow outside and there were some dinos exchanging gifts. It must be the holiday season and I remembered that its been awhile since you all have shown your loyalty to me. And gratitude. Don’t forget the gratitude.”

“We’re doing our best to save your bacon,” said the Moscowmitch.

“Do I look worried?  Oh, sure, I may have grumbled a bit. But I decided to do something about it. Fight fire with fire, so I wrote a little song.”

He looked around the Kongrus Kave. Nobody was going to ask him to sing it. They needed his backing. Not his voice.

“Alright then. Thanks for asking.”


I’ll be impeached by Christmas

I won’t cop a plea

It will be a great big show

To suit my vanity


Kim Jong Un will send me

A nice big gift that gleams

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

Just listen to those screams


I’ll be impeached by Christmas

When the Zelensky

Will finally come to know

That Putin is with me


Abuse of power. Who me?

Obstruction? In your dreams!

I’ll be impeached by Christmas

It’s just not what it seems



You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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