Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Reaper …

The dino governor, the Andrewcuomo, sized up his special audience in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.

“So I’m asking you, Moscowmitch, if you could see it in your, um … one of your incredibly rare instances of good judgement, to convince the Sin Hut dinos here to help out the dinos in the Big Apple Orchard in our desperate time of need, I might even say something nice about you.”

“On the contrary, Gov’nor, I’m not in the mood to begin bailing out the blue dinos. You’d think this was a national calamity. It isn’t. Why, pretty soon, we’ll be going back to our daily lives with or without you. Hopefully without. But here’s an idea. Why don’t you just tell everyone you ran out of moolah-moolah leaves and are just plain broke?”

“Broke, are you kidding me? I think that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And you’re one dumb dino.”

“Now, now. Here me out, Gov’nor. You see this Coronavirus here seems to be attacking you big rock dinos, not the plain, simple dino folk out in the sticks and stones, like me. What I’m trying to say is you Donkeykongrus dinos need to get your nests in order.”

“I find that comment really offensive. Such pettiness. It’s repugnant. And then there’s your logic. I ask you, how do we get moolah-moolah if we’re broke?”

“How should I know? Why don’t you ask that nice dino mayor from Vague-as-Vegas. I’m sure she could help you.”

“You know, Moscowmitch. I’m going to haunt you til the day you die because like the dinos back home, we are Big Apple Orchard tough. And smart. We’re Big Apple Orchard disciplined … and unified, dammit. And loving. Did I say loving? So very loving. I wish I could show you some tough love right now. Because you, Moscowmitch, you’re the exact opposite.”

“Well, thank you for the compliments. Need I remind, everyone, I’m not here to win friends and influence dinos. I’m just here to win.”

The Andrewcuomo knew when he was banging his head against a wall. He rose from his squat and exited the cave.

A smiling Moscowmitch turned to his 52 Grandoldparty Sin Hut followers.

“That felt good. Nothing beats stepping on a Donkeykongrus throat when they’re down and out. Makes me feel like that Rocky dinosaur. But I need a song.”

Say no more. The Sin Hut dinos couldn’t agree on how to best keep Dino Nation from dying but if Moscowmitch needed a song, they’d get right on it. Within hours, dino tails across the land were tapping along with it.

 

All your times have come

Here now under my thumb

The House should fear the Reaper

Under the moon and the sun I reign … Don’t you be like they are 

Never agree … They fear the Reaper 

You just take my plan … They fear the Reaper 

We’ll be able to lie … They fear the Reaper 

Let’s just kick the can

 

La la la la la

La la la la la

 

Coronavirus fun

If you’re blue, you’re done

Show me dough and then we’re set

Together in prosperity … Show me dough and then we’re set 

2,000 deaths and more everyday … Show me dough and then we’re set 

2,000 deaths and more everyday … Redefine happiness 

Another 2,000 dying everyday … Don’t you be like they are 

Never agree … They fear the Reaper 

You just take my plan … They fear the Reaper 

We’ll be able to lie … They fear the Reaper 

Let’s just kick the can 

 

La la la la la

La la la la la

 

I control everyone

I’m in this for the long run

Came my fake day of sadness

Like when Merrick Garland couldn’t get on

So this virus came and then Cuomo appeared

He asked for help and then I sneered

No, no, Cuomo, go to Kokomo … Go to Kokomo 

No, no, Cuomo … Go to Kokomo 

And he ran away … Then they started to die 

I’m the Grim Reaper, don’t ask why … Don’t become like they are

The perfect partisan .. Don’t become like they are

Never agree … They fear the reaper

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Liberation …

“That left coast tree-hugger, the Jayinslee, said I was fomenting a domestic rebellion. Fomenting, he said. Do I look like I’m foaming at the mouth?”

He knew dinos in the audience would go bonkers if he did. The Tyrumposaurus looked out over the crowd of his unwashed, unfathoming faithful at this hastily called rally in Michigonia at Lansing-Boils. All the experts said he absolutely, positively should NOT be holding this rally in the middle of the Coronavirus outbreak. But it was an itch he simply HAD to scratch. He’d gone weeks without mass adulation. Pandemic be damned. He was just getting started.

“Foaming at the mouth. I think I’d look okay foaming at the mouth. … Then there’s the dino mayor, the Billdeblasio. He accused me of waiting for Manhattinhand to drop dead. I used to live in Manhattinhand. Nobody’s going to drop dead. Some dinos are going to get a little sick. A few may drop dead. Just a few. But hey, what is the governor going to do about it? I don’t talk to mayors. Okay, I talk to them. But I don’t listen. The Andrewcuomo, he needs to be nice to me. Maybe then I’ll be nice to him.”

 “And the Fridaghitis. Poor, poor Fridaghitis. She can’t help herself with the fake news. What did she say, you ask? I’ll tell you. We’ve got all night. I want to get Dino Nation life back to normal, get out of our caves. She accused me of undercutting the guidelines I put in place yesterday with the dino health experts. That I was contradicting my own guidance and undercutting — there’s that word again, such a cruel, nasty word — that I was undercutting the credibility of the entire mitigation effort. Blaming me for telling dinos it was safe to ignore the stay-in-your-cave order, blaming me for more dino deaths to come. Who, me? Please.”

“Wait, there’s more. Frida was having a field day with the fake news. Ol’ Fake News Field Day Frida. She said I was calling for disobedience during a most unstable time, was how she put it. Look. I’m standing right here. I ask you, how can you have an unstable time with a stable genius like me? You can’t. She says you dinos are angry and frustrated and that violence is looming. O-o-o-o-o-h. Looming. Scary stuff. … Well, guess what. I don’t see anger and frustration. I see thousands of …” the T-Rump sighed, “… peaceful dinos. Peaceful dinos like swans in a placid lagoon. It’s the Donkeykongrus dinos who are raving, extreme lunatics.”

“Just like Fake News Field Day Frida … she finished her fake news by saying that I was inciting you and that once you acted, I wouldn’t be able to rein you in. Emotions running high and all. No guarantees that I could control you. Well, guess what. I don’t control you. You’re responsible dinos able to make your own decisions. I understand that depends on what day you’re listening to me. New day. New decision. My decision. Your decision. There’s a link in there somewhere. A tiny link. But don’t just take my word for it. Would you like some real news?”

The resulting dino roar shook the jungle to its damp, soggy roots.

“The Lauraingraham — bless her heart — she said it’s time to get your freedom back. And the Jeaninepirro, the great judge who likes to lock bad Donkeykongrus dinos up, she said that the Dino Nation spirit is too strong, that the Dino Nation is not going to take it. She also said that protests like the one we’re having here, they may spread across Dino Nation. Now before the fake news Mediacircustops go crazy, let me just remind everyone, it’s not my fault. Who am I to stop you? So in closing, you’re just going to have to do what’s best for you. And me. Remember November? Of course you do. So I have a little song for you to help, uh … steer you in the right direction. A cool direction since the gang’s all here. Like my Trollertweeties flying overhead this week. Just an opinion. Complete with lyrics. And a beat.”

 

Yahoo!

This is your liberation

Yahoo!

This is your liberation

 

Liberate, showtime, come on!

Let’s liberate

Liberate full-time, come on!

Let’s liberate

 

There’s Michigan right here beside us

A liberation to last through the virus

So bring Minnesota and Virginia too

We gonna get them in our back-to-work coup 

 

Come on now, liberation

Let’s all liberate, I say it’s high time

Liberation

We gonna liberate, and build me a shrine 

 

It’s time to divide an’ conquer

It’s up to you, blame the gov’nor

Everyone get somethin’ to hurl, come on!

 

Yahoo!

It’s a liberation

Yahoo!

 

Liberate your dime, come on!

It’s a liberation

Liberate my dime, come on!

Let’s liberate

 

There’s Michigan right here beside us

A liberation to last through the virus

So bring Minnesota and Virginia too

We gonna get them in our back-to-work coup

 

Come on now, liberation

Let’s all liberate because it’s high time 

Liberation

We gonna liberate because it’s high time

 

It’s time to divide an’ conquer

It’s up to you, blame the gov’nor

Everyone get somethin’ to hurl, come on!

 

Yahoo!

It’s a liberation

Yahoo!

It’s a liberation

 

Liberate some crime, come on!

Let’s liberate, come on now

Liberate, it’s fine, come on!

Let’s liberate

 

We’re gonna fight the Corona fight

Let’s liberate, it’s our right

You’re gonna maybe get sick tonight

Let’s liberate, it’s our right, baby

 

We’re gonna fight the Corona fight

Let’s liberate, it’s our right

You’re gonna maybe get sick tonight

Let’s liberate, it’s our right

 

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

 

Liberate, showtime, come on!

Let’s liberate

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!