Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Rip It Up …

The crowd of dinosaurs gazed at the darkening sky overhead. There was a fabulous thunderhead cloud out of which flew an equally fabulous thunderbird. It was going to be one of those days. Such was the weather for the state of the dino union address from the leader of the free-running dino world, the Tyrumposaurus, freshly acquitted from his impeachment trial.

He stepped up to the Flat Rock Lectern, pausing first before the Nancypelosi who squatted one level higher behind the lectern. He handed her a paper-like sheet. It was the latest dino invention, happening quite accidentally when a dino had inadvertently stomped upon the pithy stem of a water plant. Voila, papyrus. Coupled with an ink-like substance from the darker end of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir and the Dino Nation now had the words of the T-Rump to cry themselves to sleep with at night. Footprints in the sand had been much less grating.

The T-Rump handed his speech to the Nancypelosi. She extended her hand to shake his. He ignored it.

“Hang onto this,” he said. Better than anything you’ve ever come up with.” 

“Won’t you be needing it? It’s the only copy.”

“Hell, no. I’m just going to ramble on as I normally do. Straight from the gut.”

He turned to his captive audience of stumble-bums and sycophants.

“Vindicated! That’s me. You can’t convict what the Williambarr can protect. Just like the Muellersavus investigation. Total exoneration. I’m a free dino and watch me roar. We’ll see what the Hunterbiden was up to, just you wait. But first I have to throw the Mittromney under the Priebusunderbus. How dare he vote against me. What’s my world coming to?”

And so it went for the next 90 minutes. A vitriolic spew chastising every dino who had crossed his path in the past two weeks. There was a promise to look after sick dinos, something he’d neglected to do for three years. As he neared the end of his speech, he found religion. Not that it found him.

“And in closing I just want to say God bless me and the ground I walk on. Oh, I almost forgot. Any dino who prays for me is against me. That’s right. They’re fakes. Because I know what they’re praying about. Only I can answer their prayers. Because they don’t now what they’re praying for if they’re not praying for me. You got that, all you prayers out there?”

An ensemble nod from his dino cult. The Nancypelosi rose from her squat, holding the T-Rump’s speech. The Adamschiff raised a hand.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

“Yes?”

“Before you leave I wanted to say something.”

“To me?”

“No, to the dino behind you, the Nancypelosi?”

“Before I leave, huh? I heard what you said about me in the Sin Hut trial. You were trying to sound important. I don’t need that around here. I will let you speak because everyone here knows this day is all about me and nothing you can say will change that, you shifty-shift-shift Schiff.”

“Thank you.” 

The Adamschiff focused on the Nancypelosi. He smiled at her then looked overhead at the fabulous thunderbird reappearing out of the equally fabulous thunderhead. Thunder rang out and the Adamschiff sang.

 

I’ve been watching you for months, my lady

Thank you for his impeachment, my lady

T-Rump may think he’s outta reach, my lady

Just wrap your hands around his speech, my lady

 

Rip it up, I hate it

Rip it up, I hate it

 

He’s tryin’ to divide this town, my lady

You know he likes to double down, my lady

He talks about charity, my lady

Still nothin’ for you an’ me, my lady

 

Rip it up, we hate it

Rip it up, we hate it

Rip it up, we hate it

Rip it up, we hate it

 

Well, we gotta treat him like the clown he is

Cuz he thinks that everything is his

You’ve got tricks you ain’t never used

Give it, give it to him, he’s still the accused

 

We’ll get through this together, my lady

Impeachment is forever, my lady

T-Rump may think he’s outta reach, my lady

Just wrap your hands around his speech, my lady

 

Rip it up, I hate it

Rip it up, I hate it

Rip it up, I hate it

Rip it up, I hate it

 

Rip, rip

Rip, rip, rip

Rip it up, we hate it

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

T-Rumper …

The Grandoldparty Sin Hut dinos looked at one another in the Sin Hut Caper-Cave, a private setting off from the main chamber where they could grin their greasy grins at one another and count their lucky twinkling things in the sky that they had actually pulled it off. A “No” vote of 51-49 had barely carried the day to not allow dino witnesses or any evidence into the Sin Hit’s impeachment trial of their esteemed leader, the Tyrumposaurus. The Marcorubio raised a hand.

“What we accomplished today we can be very proud of. I managed to say with a straight face that even though they had the goods on the T-Rump and they met the level of impeachment, it just isn’t in the best interest of removing the T-Rump because we already have a divided Dino Nation, a division largely caused by the T-Rump himself.”

The other dinos in the cave looked at him blankly, unsure if every time he opened his mouth he wasn’t actually making things worse.

“Ahem,” said the Joniernst. “I don’t want to put too fine a point on it because every time I veer from the T-Rump calling his conversation with the Zelensky the ‘perfect call’ I run the risk of him ripping me to shreds. So I’ll just say that maybe what he did was wrong. Oops, too strong a word. Improper. Let’s go with improper — for him to be seeking dirt from a foreign dino for his own personal gain. And his penalty? Perhaps just a slap on the wrist. A little slap.”

She made like she was brushing a fly off her arm for emphasis. Not a big fly. A little one.

“You got that right, Joni,” said the Lamaralexander. “Improper. I like that. Not too brazen. An after thought almost. Like burping at the side of a carcass. There is no way it rises to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors. Who even knows what those are, anyway?”

Shrugs all around.

“Because we know the T-Rump would never do those things. Therefore, in the interest of all of us keeping our jobs in the Sin Hut, we must agree to never dig further, okay?”

Nods from every dino. The Lisamurkowski raised her hand.

“Um … I just want to point out that I’m all set to go out there and defend my decision to not have witnesses and evidence because this whole process set up by the Kongrus Kave was a disaster from the start. There was never a chance that we were going to have a fair trial in the Sin Hut. It was their fault. Only theirs. Is everyone okay with that?”

The other dinos puzzled.

“Well,” said the Lamaralexander, “we are the Sin Hut. That makes us superior. We don’t have to explain our actions to the lowly Kongrus Kave. Blame everything on them. Partisanship is all their fault.”

With that the Sin Hut dinos adjourned their tail wagging and exited the cave, right into the path of the Tyrumposaurus.

“Well, well, what are you doing for me now? What do you have to say that will be music to my ears? Anything. Hurry up. I need praise, glorification and gratification. Instant, you know. Be quick about it.” 

Fortunately they were. A Sin Hut dino always had to be ready for whatever bizarre mood the T-Rump thrust upon them. The Marcorubio held up his hand. The others watched as his tail twitched, then began slapping the ground, counting them all into an old Beatlemaniac’s number, a number they knew by heart.

 

Got a good reason for taking the easy way out

On his impeachment, I’m taking the easy way out now

I am a T-Rumper, a phony crony yeah

And it was so wrong to bow out, and I bowed out

 

I’m not uneasy, he told me to never care

I’m a bit sleazy, he told me to touch his hair now

I am a T-Rumper, a corrupt cohort yeah

And it was so wrong to sell out, and I sold out

 

Tried to please him, he only called me bad names

Lied to please him, he only picked me to blame now

I am a T-Rumper, a stumbling crumb-bum yeah

It took me so long to get in, and now I’m out

 

T-Rumper

T-Rumper, yeah

T-Rumper

T-Rumper, yeah

T-Rumper

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!