Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Seth’s Profound Proof …

“Why the glum face?”

The Tyrumposaurus looked across the Oval Dwelling at the Williambarr squatting in the entrance. The top legal dino in the land had on an especially sour puss.

“It’s not good news.”

“What, did the Brettkavanaugh assault another dino?”


“Did the Mediacircustops accuse me of assaulting another dino?


“Well, it’s a great day then, isn’t it?”

“Not quite. Come with me.”

A few minutes later the attorney dino general and the T-Rump stood on the First Amended Path, staring down at fresh footprints laid down by the Sethabramson, a Rhodescholarus-like dino from the Newhamp Shires. The T-Rump turned his head cockeyed.

“What’s it … what is it …”

“What’s it about? Oh, right. You can’t read. The footprints here are titled, Proof of Conspiracy.”

“Hah! Conspiracies. Fake news.”

“Uh, not really. I’ve just read a few footprints …”


“It’s bad. Real bad.”

“How bad?”

“So bad the Foxsquawkbox won’t even touch it. The Putinodon says turn away. No peeking allowed.”

“Then why in god’s green swamp are we here?”

“Because, as your personal legal dino, I mean the dino nation’s number one legal dino, I need to know what we’re up against.”


The Williambarr looked at the initial footprints. 

“Oh, my. … My word.” His eyes moved down the footprints. “Oh. My. God.” 

“What? What? WHAT?!”

The top legal dino suddenly found himself wondering if his own job was in jeopardy. How was he going to defend the T-Rump with these footprints after footprint — a veritable highway to hell that drove home the point in startling, shocking details that the T-Rump was the most corrupt leader since … the Williambarr could only stammer in awe.

“This, this is worse than the Ferdinandmarcosaurus.”


“Sorry, I forgot. You don’t know history.”

“I don’t need to. History begins with me. I’ve lied at every turn. My dinos have destroyed evidence. The Muellersavus admitted as much in his report and look, I’m still here. Keep lying. Keep delaying. We’ll be fine.”

“I wish I could say that but …”

The Williambarr looked around to make sure they were alone. He then leaned in close to whisper in the T-Rump’s bright orange ear.

“He knows about the Grand Dino Basement Bargain.”

The T-Rump pulled back as if bitten.

“No. How can he know that? I don’t even know about all that. By design of course. Because I have this, you know … tendency to spill the beans.”

The Sethabramson footprints told how the bargain’s beginnings were born in the wee minds of the Georgenader, the Erikprince and the Elliottbroidy. Their criminal conniving culminated in a meeting on the banks of the Red Sea bringing together the Saudisaurae, the Emiratisaurae, the Israelisaurae, the Egyptiansaurae and the Russodinos. After a large meal of Caviaraptors, they all agreed to support the T-Rump in the November Battle so he’d become the leader of the Milkanhoney Preservation. In return, the T-Rump would call off the deadly Sanctionsaurus on the Russodinos. The Milkanhoney Preservation would then take the Nuclearsaurae away from the Iranasaurae and give it to the Saudisaurae and Emiratisaurae, thereby pointing to the Iranasaurae as the big, bad dino bully of the block.

“You’ve had the Manaforta living in your T-Rump Dump for 13 years?”

“Time does fly. He kind of grows on you, y’know?”

“Not that you’d want him to. It says here the Olegderipaska gave him 10 million moolah-moolah leaves and the Manaforta turned around and threw about 4 million to you to move into your Dump.”

“And what’s wrong with having Russodino agents for neighbors? The more the merrier.”

The Williambarr turned back to the footprints.

“You do remember our cold-blooded feelings toward the Russodinos, don’t you? It says here all that changed in the Grandoldparty Shindig in the Cleaved Land three years ago thanks to a plan put forth by the Jaydeegordon, the Sessionsopposum, the Sergeykislyak, the Carterpage, the Kushneratops and the Dimitrisimes.”

“Woah,” said the T-Rump. “You just said the dino who should not be named.”

“But he knows, T-Rump. He knows. You’ve never mentioned the Dimitrisimes but he was in the Muellersavus report 134 times.”

“Hmph. Just because the Muellersavus says it 134 times doesn’t make it true.”

How many times would make it so, wondered the Williambarr. Having a pathological liar for a boss was a tough gig. But the fringe benefits, oh the fringe benefits. He had the power to look into anything purely as a stalling tactic while not actually accomplishing anything. It was a great way to while away the day.

“Holy Toledosaurus!”


“He has all of your joint defense agreements. The Manaforta, the Michaelcohen, the Jeromecorsi …”

“Corsi? I don’t even know him.”

The Williambarr shook his head.

“Your legal dinos spoke with his legal dinos for months. How can you possibly say that?”

The legal dino knew better than to wait for an answer. He plunged back into the Sethabramson’s damning footprints.

“The year you sold your Everglades luxury cave to the Rybolovlev, the Larisamarkus, the Bedzhamov and the Ilyabykov …”

“Nice Russodinos. All of them.”

“They were washing moolah-moolah leaves on the wrong banks for several Russodinos, including the oily-skinned Rosneftaurus. The Larisamarkus and the Bedzhamov were caught and thrown in the Solitary Sinkhole.”

“Did I say that they were both great dinos?”

“Apparently the Ilyabykov was also working for you and your luxury cave partners, the Felixsater and the Arasagalarov.”

“Didn’t I already tell you that I have no dealings with Russodinos?”

“Or is it that you never met a Russodino you didn’t like?”

“That to.”

“Uh-oh. There’s more here on your dino who should not be named. I don’t believe this.”

“I’m telling you,” said the T-Rump. “It’s fake news.”

“Unfortunately no. All these facts have been verified by Mediacircustops we need to worry about. The respected ones. It says that the Dmitrisimes was with a Russodino think tank and he became your Russodino advisor a few days after the Samclovis brought in the Papadopoulos. A few days later the Dmitrisimes and the Kushneratops convinced you to create a national dino security advisory committee.”

“They told me it would make me look good. Smart too. I mean genius. Definitely genius.”

“So you proudly announced the Papadopoulos and the Carterpage being on this committee but you didn’t want the Milkanhoney Preservation to know that the real brains behind it were the Dmitrisimes, the Flynnhasbeen and the Erikprince. Their names were never publicly mentioned.”

“Modest dinos,” said the T-Rump. “Nice, modest dinos.”

The Williambarr continued.

“They worked in the shadows. Swampy dinos in the know called the Dmitrisimes ‘completely pro-Russodino’ or probably a Russodino spy.”

The attorney dino general looked up at the T-Rump.

“You and the Kushneratops knew?”

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t tell me you still care about the law. I bought you.”

The Williambarr nodded his head. The T-Rump had indeed. Whatever remaining moral fibre in the legal dino’s spine keeled over and died. The T-Rump had that effect on dinos. Still, the Williambarr could not take his eyes off the footprints of Sethabramson. They were hypnotizing in their dizzying depths of corruption and guilt.

“The Marcmukasey? Your family’s legal dino is in here?”


“He was also the legal dino to the Rudygiuliani and the dirt-digging Psygroup dinos using intel to help win the November Battle for you.”

“Yes, it was a true team effort. I told you I had the best dinos. All working hard, doing whatever it took, breaking laws for me to win. What can I say?”

The T-Rump held out his short hands and grinned.

“Everybody loves me.”