Today was the big day. The bold, unabashed words from a mountain-top manifesto. The Muellersavus was finally going to speak before the Kongrus Kave and bring to life his 448 footprints in the sand report. Only 3% of the dino nation had made it their civic duty to venture down that eye-straining path.
The Adamschiff’s tail pounded the flat rock lectern and dinos of all stripes soon found their ground to squat.
“The Kongrus Kave will come to order. We want to thank the Muellersavus for coming to answer our judiciary intelligence questions today. That may sound like an oxymoron but that’s where we are. My opening remarks? I just want to say this is the first meeting in months where we have a dino who has actually shown up and is going to be truthful. Imagine that. What you’re about to hear, if our prayers are indeed answered, will put us one large footprint toward ending this tragic travesty we know as the T-Rump’s reign. Special counsel? Regale us, if you will.”
There came the slow, see-saw sound of snoring. The Muellersavus had fallen asleep.
“Well,” said the Aaronzebley. “It’s a good thing I showed up.”
“Objection!” shouted the Devilnunesmemo. “This is not Bring Your Kid to Work Day. We’re not going to ask this, this marginal minion a single question.”
The Aaronzebley bristled.
“What are you afraid of?”
“Na-na-na-na-na-na-na … I can’t hear you. … Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.”
The Adamschiff’s tail came crashing down.
“That will be quite enough, thank you. Don’t make me take off my smiley face.”
He frowned anyway at the Devilnunesmemo.
“Did you read the Muellersavus Report?”
“Of course not.”
The Langleyops boss, the Christopherwray, rose from the audience.
“Me too!” I didn’t …” He noticed every dino looking at him strangely. “… read … it … either.”
Blushing beet red, he returned to his squat. The Adamschiff shook his head in disbelief.
“Some things are better left unsaid. But that’s not why we’re here today.” He turned to the Devilnunesmemo. “I understand you didn’t read the report for fear of being brainwashed, but I’m the presiding chair dino here today. So I want you to behave yourself and if you don’t use your five minutes, I’ll give them to a Donkeykongrus member and you can just squat there and listen to us roast the T-Rump for the next two hours. Capiche?”
“Well, since you put it that way.”
“Let’s begin,” said the chair dino. “To show you there’s no hard feelings, in true Donkeykongrus take-a-tail-lash-to-the-face fashion, I will let you go first, Devil.”
“It’s Devin.”
“Not for the past two-and-a-half years it isn’t.”
The Devilnunesmemo smirked, reveling inside at the infamous Satan-like kinship he shared with the Stephenmillerus. The ranking Grandoldparty member put on his best scowl for the Aaronzebley.
“The Josephmifsud.”
“Who?”
“You know damn well who.”
“I know, I just wanted to see your reaction. What about him?
“He was the epicenter of this whole investigation linking the Donkeykongrus with the Russodinos.”
“Surely you jest.”
The Devilnunesmemo’s face flamed on.
“Who are you calling Shirley!?”
“Time out!” said the Adamschiff.
“But I just started.”
“I will recognize you when you stop thinking murderous thoughts. The Pramilajayapal.”
“Thank you. Where do I begin? I’ll just boil it down to my favorite T-Rump crime. Witness tampering. Two instances here. Both obstructions of justice. To confirm, with the Manaforta and the Michaelcohen?”
“Right you are.”
“Please tell us you will put him away in the Solitary Sinkhole for a very long time.”
“Long enough to catch up with the Jeffreyepstein on the gay, old times.”
“I yield my time to any Grandoldparty dino who wants to make a complete fool of their self.”
“Hah!” said the Johnratcliffe. “I resemble that remark. So, which DOJ policy or principle sets forth a legal standard that an investigated dino is not exonerated if their innocence from criminal conduct is not conclusively determined?”
“Come again? You didn’t actually just say that, did you?”
“Answer the question before I bite you.”
“Could you, uh … rephrase the question, please? Heh-heh.”
“Damn, I knew you’d ask that. Okay. Which DOJ policy investigates the legal standard of a conclusively determined innocent dino if exonerated by criminal conduct?”
“One more time.”
“Uh, what’s the legal standard for a DOJ policy that exonerates the conclusively criminal dino of the innocently conducted investigation?”
“I don’t know. You tell me, funny guy.”
“Huh, you think I’m funny? Do I amuse you?”
The chair dino interrupted.
“And you get a time out too, Ratcliffe. The Mikequigley. Go right ahead.”
“Thank you. Aaron, how would you characterize the fact that the T-Rump Jr. readily accepted stolen secrets from the Wikileakibeak and promoted them further?”
“In the words of the Muellersavus, and let me say this is about as animated as he gets, he said, problematic is an understatement. That’s like really bad.”
“You just sent a shiver down the spine of dino nation. I yield my time to the next T-Rump sycophant.”
“The Michaelturner.”
The heavyset Grandoldparty dino eyed the smaller Aaronzebley.
“I need your help with something. This word ‘exonerate.’ I’ve looked all over for it. I read footprints from my legal dino school, your legal dino school. Not there, so you can’t use it. Nope. It’s not a legal term.”
“It’s not meant to be a legal term. Just like collusion isn’t. Tell you what, we’ll stop saying ‘not exonerated’ when the T-Rump stops saying ‘no collusion.’ Gee, isn’t the T-Rump saying ‘complete exoneration’ himself? Maybe you should’ve flapped your gums at him before you came here. I believe the legal term for that is priority, pal. I’m done with you.”
“The Valdemings.”
“Thank you, chair dino.” She turned to the Aaronzebley. “Lies, lies and more lies. Let’s talk about lies, shall we?”
“Yes, let’s. The Muellersavus would agree with me that there are a spectrum of witnesses who are not telling the full truth and those who are outright liars.”
“Did they obstruct your investigation?”
“Every time they opened their mouths. Allow me to share this investigative nugget. With the T-Rump having lied over 11,000 times, it sets a bad example.”
“The Jimjordan. You’re up.”
The Jimjordan tugged at his short arms to roll up several folds of skin. It was a nervous habit he had whenever he knew he was up to no good.
“Remember the Josephmifsud! He lied 3 times. Count’em. One. Two. Three lies. Incredible. How come he wasn’t charged, huh? How come?”
“You’re obviously not paying attention, are you?”
“What?”
“The T-Rump lied 61 times last week.”
“Oh. Wow. That’s a lot.”
“The Karenbass.”
“Your team found 10 instances where the T-Rump obstructed justice. We only have time for five here. Allow me to tee up the third one for you. Why doesn’t the T-Rump want the former Oval Dwelling legal dino, the Donmcgahn, to come speak before the committee?”
“Because we have the T-Rump dead to rights that he ordered the Donmcgahn to have the DOJ fire the Muellersavus, then the T-Rump’s legal dino told the Donmcgahn to put out a statement denying that the T-Rump told him to fire the Muellersavus. Then the T-Rump had the Robporter try to convince the Donmcgahn to make a false denial. It goes on and on. Pathetic really, for the leader of the free-running dino world.”
“The Kellyarmstrong.”
“How many dinos on your staff were fired during the course of your investigation?”
“A couple. How many of the T-Rump’s cabinet have been replaced. 43?”
“You’re good, I’ll give you that. You’re good.”
“The Madeleinedean.”
“When the Muellersavus heard the Williambarr’s initial response about your report, your boss said the Williambarr’s response did not fully capture the context, nature and substance of your office’s work and conclusions. Would you care to comment?”
“Don’t get me started. The Williambarr is a two-bit charlatan masquerading as the law of the land. As the T-Rump’s legal dino, he has ground the dino courts to a halt. He scours the Pit of Disgustingly Shameful to its deepest depths.”
“O-k-a-a-a-y. The Debbielesko.”
“I’m just here to talk about your reliance upon the Mediacircustops. In your report, you quoted from the Washingtonpostian dino 60 times and the Newyorktimesian dino 75 times. But you only quoted the Foxsquawkbox 25 times. What’s up with that?! How can you even sleep at night? If you weren’t relying on fake news so much, I’d call you biased.”
“In the words of the Mikequigley, this too shall pass.”
“The Loucorrea.”
“I’d like to get right to the fourth instance of obstruction of justice. That is, the T-Rump protecting the Flynnhasbeen.”
“Why, sure. I have it right here, emblazoned on the forefront of my memory. We have substantial evidence that the T-Rump fired the Jamescomey because the Langleyops director would not tell the T-Rump that he was not under investigation. The very next day, the T-Rump bragged about it to Russodinos inside the Oval Dwelling, calling the Jamescomey crazy and a nutjob.”
“Can you add slander and libel to the charges?”
“Those — and treason — are all ongoing investigations.”
“The Willhurd.”
“Ahem, I know my Grandoldparty colleagues will want to throw me under the Priebusunderbus, but I just want to apologize in advance for the Mitchgetbacktowork and the Cindyhydesmith who are set to kill any plans we have for stopping the Russodinos from interfering in our upcoming battle plans.”
“Traitor!” shouted the Mattgaetz.
“Order!” said the Adamschiff. “You’ve already lost the Justinamash. Keep it up. The Sheilajacksonlee.”
“I just want to remind every dino who hasn’t seen the Muellersavus report, there are, believe it or not, ten instances of obstruction of justice. You have analyzed the three elements for the crime of obstruction of justice. Those would be the obstructive act, a nexus between the act and an official proceeding, and corrupt intent. Is that correct?”
“You bet. We stopped at ten obstructive acts because, let’s be serious. With this leader, we’d still be out there, right?”
“The Kenbuck.”
“C’mon, Aaron. With regards to obstruction, admit it, you threw a bunch of stuff up against the wall to see what would stick. So I’m just going to stick to this question. Could you charge the T-Rump with a crime after he left office?”
“Yes.”
“You believe you could charge the leader of the dino nation with obstruction of justice after he left office?”
“Same answer. I think you’re winning the other side’s argument right now.”
“Traitor!” It was the Mattgaetz again.
The Adamschiff tossed a rock at him, hitting him in the beak.
“Ow!”
“Idiot. Go ahead, the Joeneguse.”
“I’d like to point you to the fifth obstruction of justice case. What did the T-Rump tell the T-Rump Jr. and the Hopehicksbagotrix to say about the T-Rump Jr.’s meeting with the Russodinos?
“He told them to change their original story and lie.”
“Why are we not surprised?”
“The Chrisstewart.”
“I have 25 examples here of where you did not do a good job. That is, 25 leaks from your group.”
“You’re kidding me, right? The T-Rump has been in power for 918 days. That’s 918 leaks. Plus. My friend, there’s a Wikileakibeak and then there’s a weak leak. Guess which is yours.”
“Okay,” said the Adamschiff. “We’ve taken up enough of your time. I will keep my closing comments to a simple question for you, Aaron. What the heck do we do now?”
“I had a feeling you were going to ask that, even though the second part of our 448 footprints practically screamed it out loud. Impeach this sucker! We gave you the guidelines. Follow them. This is a defining moment in our history. Do we want every one of our dino tots to be a racist bully? Will we all become pathological liars? Does the new normal feature the T-Rump as our pride and joy? Will future leaders be expected to accept dirt on the opposition from foreign dino nations? How deep do you want the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir? Do we want a leader who places himself above the law? You took an oath to our Great Continental Divide. Big picture? Admit it, 300 million dinos did not watch today. They’re asleep in their dens. It’s now up to you to save dino democracy. In the words of the Chriscoumo, do your damn job.”
David Belisle 