Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? …

“One last time. Who wants to sit beside him?”
The words from the host, the Emmanuelemacron hung in the air. The dinosaur leaders gathered around the dining rock looked down at the ground. They were at the Gee-Seven-Showed-Up dinosaur meeting at the seaside conclave at Buyritz-mais-oui. …

“One last time. Who wants to sit beside him?”

The words from the host, the Emmanuelemacron hung in the air. The dinosaur leaders gathered around the dining rock looked down at the ground. They were at the Gee-Seven-Showed-Up dinosaur meeting at the seaside conclave at Buyritz-mais-oui.

“Okay, I can see I’m going to have to choose two dinos.”

“I sat beside him last time, said the Angelamerkel, “Never again. How do the Milkanhoney Preservation dinos say it? What a maroon!”

“I live right beside him,” said the normally reserved Justintrudeau. “Please excuse me, but for me this is a much-needed holiday.”

The Emmanuelemacron turned to the T-Rump’s trade dino, the Larrykudlow.

“Oh, no you don’t.”

“But you work for him.”

“Your point? Hey, you’re the host. You sit beside him.”

“Fine then, I will. Another meal, wasted. Boris, you’re on the other side.”

The Borisjohnson blinked.

“I beg your pardon. Were you talking to me?”

The host pointed the Britwit leader toward his assigned seat.

“Alright, but the food isn’t even here yet.”

The leader of the free-running dino world, the Tyrumposaurus, soon arrived and squatted down between the Borisjohnson and the Emmanuelemacron. The host turned to the T-Rump.

“Would you like to lead us in prayer?”

“Emmanuele, just because I’m the Chosen One, let’s not be ridiculous.”

The host glanced nervously at his guests around the dining rock.

“Okay, you’re all welcome to make your silent intentions.”

The guests all cast hopeful prayers to the upcoming year and a speedy removal of the T-Rump from power.

The T-Rump pointed to the Borisjohnson.

“Who is this guy? He was a nobody five years ago and now he’s leader of the Britwits. Amazing! Do you have a plan for Brexit, Boris?”

“Uh, well … to put it mildly, no.”

“Put it there, pal.” The T-Rump slapped palms with him “That’s how I roll too. Who needs details? Plans are for suckers. We think alike. Welcome to the team.”

The T-Rump looked around the table.

“Just so there’s no misunderstanding, this team is just me and him. Emphasis on me.”

“T-Rump,” said the Emmanuelemacron. “Everybody here is worried that you’re upsetting the dino world with this feud you’re having with the Chopstickchowmein.”

The T-Rump felt the weight of the eyes around the table bearing down on him. God, how he hated these meetings.

“Okay, okay. I’ve been having some misgivings.”

“What kind of misgivings?” asked the host.

“Well, to tell the truth — and wouldn’t that be a red-letter day — I have second thoughts about everything. Everything.”

The Larrykudlow rose from his squat.

“Okay, that’s enough. Stop right there. It’s obvious because I’m right here. He didn’t hear your question properly and his answer will most certainly be taken out of context.”

“Excuse me,” said the Emmanuelemacron. “He heard me very well because his response of having second thoughts is the perfect definition of the word he used — misgivings. There is no context to get wrong. It’s a moot point.”

“Okay, okay. The second thoughts thing. He was actually thinking about making life tougher on the Chopstickchowmein. But he didn’t. Give him a break, why don’t you? So, in closing, I have no idea what this all means for the average dino family, but I feel a positive vibe, a truly positive dino vibe. I’m here. So I felt it.”

The smug Larrykudlow returned to his squat, believing his baffle-gab had successfully muddled another stunning turn of events in T-Rump world.

“Thank you, Larry,” said the T-Rump. “Why do you all look so surprised? I’ve heard nothing but good things about all the Tariffraptors I’ve sent out. Nothing but good things. They mean business. Mean business!”

“Excuse me, T-Rump,” said the Borisjohnson. “Just to register a faint, sheep-like note of our view on the Tariffraptors. But we’re in favor of peace on the whole. We think the Britwits have lived well the past 200 years. So, that’s what we’re keen to see. We don’t like Tariffraptors on the whole.”

“I’ll give you a whole Tariffraptor,” muttered the T-Rump. “So you’re a sheep, are you?”

“A faint sheep.”

“What the hell is that?”

“A sheep with bone spurs,” came a voice from across the dining rock.

“Who said that?!”

All mugs froze in silent glum.

“Well, be you a faint sheep or a sheep that faints, it’s good to have you aboard, Boris. Let’s call this the Faint Sheep Bi-Lateral Agreement, Larry.”

“A great title, boss.”

The T-Rump swished his tail in a haphazard manner, signalling to all that something most heinous was up.

“Now then, let’s get to the real reason we’re all gathered here. I — and several others — want to get the Russodinos back in these meetings.”

“Exactly who are the others?” asked the Emmanuelemacron.

“Easy, Emmanuele. I said our earlier meeting was our best ever. Do you want me to take it down a notch? You know how the Tymelania says ‘Be Best.” We wouldn’t want to upset her now, would we?”

“The Russodinos attacked the Creme-de-la-Crimea in direct violation of what this group of dinos stands for.”

“That was five years ago. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?”

The T-Rump pointed to an empty spot at the dining rock.

“We should invite them to dinner.”

“I’m sorry, that seat is taken. Didn’t I tell you? The Iranosaurae have just arrived. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“Wait a sec. They didn’t actually say they were going to meet with me, did they? Because they can’t do that. That would be like … an emergency. Only I can make an emergency.”

“That is not a virtue,” said the Justintrudeau.

“No, T-Rump,” said the host. “I invited them here. They’re going to meet with me and the rest of the good dinos here to discuss peace. But … just by their being here, they’re leaving a place at their table for you to ask for a meeting. Just like the place at the dining rock you see before you now. This is your big chance. If you walk away … you will have missed a golden opportunity to make things right … and … you will be seen by the rest of the dino world as being once more a lone-wolf dino not interested in dino peace. It’s a lose-lose situation for you if you don’t sit down with them. We’re so glad you could make it, T-Rump.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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