Tag: Donald Trump

“This is a hill and dinos would be willing to die on it,” the Hogangidley said with his chest swelled for added emphasis. He coughed. His chest caved. “No, ahem. Really, I would.”

The issue at hand was the Donkeykongrus’ request for the Tyrumposaurus’ mytaxes returnus. The mytaxes returnus was a thick layer of green skin shed each spring by every adult dino. Except for some strange reason, the T-Rump. He begged off, claiming his was being inspected or audited for some time now. Going on several years. The longest audit in living memory.

Which is why several of the big tail-thumpers of the T-Rump’s posse had gathered at the Foxsquawkbox headquarters to beat down this absurd request by the Donkeykongrus for a peek at the T-Rump’s most private skin. Dinos in the audience looked at one another. The Hogangidley had run out of things to say. His eyes suddenly sparkled and his face brightened. He’d remembered something and couldn’t blurt it out fast enough.

“Let’s all be thankful for the T-Rump’s great leadership!”

“Thank you, Hogan,” the Mickmulvaney said, strutting to center stage. He took a sideways glance at the Seanhannity. “You’ll need to be quiet now, Sean. This is serious business. And don’t let the Jeaninepirro, the Lauraingraham or the Annecoulter into the cave. Just don’t. There’s free speech and then there’s what they have to say. Ridiculous. Pure nonsense.”

The Mickmulvaney turned to the thousands of Foxsquawkbox faithful. He cleared his throat.

“L-O-O-O-O-O-K!!” The masses roared back as one with the Mickmulvaney’s trademark condescending sentence starter.

“Thank you. I want to assure you all that the Donkeykrongrus will never …  N-E-V-E-R … never obtain the T-Rump’s mytaxes returnus. Nor should they. Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin. Yes, the T-Rump just read those footprints in the sand yesterday. He’s showing us great leadership. Let’s keep in mind that all you dinos out there know that the T-Rump could have given over his mytaxes returnus during the battle campaign. He didn’t. You knew it and you still lined up behind him anyway. Which, of course is what drives the Donkeykongrus crazy! We just l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-v-e driving them crazy, don’t we?”

A long, loud roar from the crowd.

“That’s right, I’m a right-wing nutjob! Can you stand it?!”

More roaring from the crowd. They began chanting.

“Nut-JOB! Nut-JOB! Nut-JOB!”

“Thank you, thank you. Oh, you’re too kind. Please. Thank you.”

“L-O-O-O-O-O-K!!” came the roar from the crowd.

“That’s right, I’m speaking again. But false alarm. I want to trot out some character witnesses on this whole mytaxes returnus brouhaha.”

Confused looks from the audience.

“Ahem. An issue or dilemma? You know, a problem? So I’ve invited some dinos of fine conservative stock that will help shine some light on the poor T-Rump’s plight. Come on out, it’s the Manaforta.”

The Manaforta limped out from the wings and peered out at the crowd.

“First off, I want to thank the Mickmulvaney for calling in some favours and getting me this day pass from the Solitary Sinkhole. I’d forgotten that special Puhl-DePlugg stench in the air. Anyway, I’m still waiting for that T-Rump pardon … I mean, I want you all to know it’s a travesty and a crime to go looking at another dino’s mytaxes returnus, especially the T-Rump’s. Is there no trust, no faith left in the world? You just have to look at me. Forget about the next seven years.  I already have. Honest.”

“Heart warming.” said the Mickmulvaney. “Truly heartwarming. Okay, Paul. You need to get back before the Donkeykongrus find out. Next up, we have a dino we’re pitching to the Moolah-Moolah Reserve. Strictly non-partisan of course, but we may have to call in more favours. A trivial matter. Let’s welcome … the Stephenmoore!”

A smattering of applause from the audience.

“Thank you, heh-heh, thank you so much. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh. I’d just like to say that I’ve been commenting on economics for so long, I feel I finally — FINALLY — know the stuff. Heh-heh. I just heard an inside secret the other day. I’d like to share it with you. Buy low, sell high. You heard it here! Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh-heh. And, oh yes, the, uh, T-Rump’s mytaxes returnus, it’s not a problem. I should know. They saw mine and I still owe 75-thousand moolah-moolah. How much could the T-Rump possibly owe? Right? This is crazy! Heh-heh-heh. Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.”

The Mickmulvaney rushed onto the stage.

“Thank you, Steve. Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Oh, I guess I do. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.”

The Stephenmoore sidestepped off into the shadows.

“Finally,” the Mickmulvaney said, “let’s welcome the T-Rump’s own son-in-law, the Kushneratops!”

The Kushneratops took the stage with smooth, almost princely strides. He took in the crowd with a look that said he knew more than they did. And always would. He raised an eye.

“Three words. Saudisaurae. Brookfield. Six-six-six.”

He finished the sentence with a smug smile, waved his short arm and glided off the stage as if he had a billion moolah-moolah leaves lining his nest and it was Wallowing Time.

The Mickmulvaney filled the void, leading the audience in clapping their hands.

“Thank you, Jared, for gracing us with your presence. Six-six-six. Well done. Keep us posted on that peace in the Middle Eastlands, won’t you? Alright. I want to turn the stage over to the T-Rump’s personal legal dino, the vaunted, the exalted, the one legal dino among s-o-o-o-o-o many, the Williamconsovoy.”

“Oh, boy, Consovoy! Oh, boy, Consovoy!” the crowd called back.

“Okay, okay,” said the Mickmulvaney. “Trust me, he’s not that exciting. But we need to make it look like we’re doing something to fight this fight, so here’s our latest dino to master that dumb art of legal dino speak. I promise it won’t be long. If you only grasp a word or two, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. After the Williamconsovoy, we’ll hear some words from the Devilnunesmemo, who is now officially on the clock to come up with something that will further our goals of escaping this latest hot mess, this – this political stunt. Right, William?

The Williamconsovoy trotted out, trying and failing to lose his schoolboy grin.

“Yes, before I begin, I’d like to thank the T-Rump for his leadership. Now then, caution and deliberation are essential to ensure that the Moolah-Moolah Department does not erode the constitutional separation of powers or the–”

“Thank you, William,” interrupted the Mickmulvaney. “Well, done. Can’t you see their eyes glazing over already? That’s more than we need to hear. Much more. Devil? Time’s up. Get on out here.”

The Devilnunesmemo, red-cheeked and blustery as ever, huffed and puffed his way onto the stage.

“Eight! Eight no less! Got’em red-handed! I will be sending eight criminal referrals to the Williambarr this week. I don’t know who yet, but I will soon. Real soon. Count on it. I’m calling it a global leak. Global. As in really wide, you bet. We’re prepared this week to notify the Attorney Dino General that we’re prepared to send those referrals over and brief him — if he wishes to be briefed. We think they’re pretty clear, but as of right now this is, this may not be all of them, but this cleans stuff up quite a bit. Don’t you think? I certainly do. And that’s all that matters because, don’t forget, I used to be in charge.”

“Fantastic, Devil,” said the Mickmulvaney. “You are the devil, aren’t you.”

“Hold it right there! You need to hear this.”

“Huh?” The Mickmulvaney spun around. The Adamschiff appeared beside the Devilnunesmemo. The Adamschiff looked him up and down.

“What? Don’t think you can sit beside me and not escape my wrath, also known as My. Two. Cents.” He turned to the crowd. “I don’t regret calling out the T-Rump. Not for one nanosecond.”

The Kirstengillibrand scampered onto the stage.

“I want you all to know that the T-Rump is a toddler. A toddler who is melting down and making bad decisions. Bad decisions, everyone!”

The Seanhannity rose from his squat.

“Hey! Who let those two in here? Sorry, Mick. I’m not a journalist, so I’m not about to let our good dinos hear both sides of the story. Of any story.”

He nodded to a pair of big, burly Brontosauruses, who rumbled onto the scene and quickly dispatched with the two despised Donkeykongrus do-gooders.

The Mickmulvaney stepped back to the fore with an appreciative nod to the Seanhannity.

“Let the love-in continue. Devil, please. Go on.”

“Well, that was almost all I had to say. I hope I wasn’t too vague.”

“It was fine, Devil,” said the Mickmulvaney. “I’m sure the Seanhannity and company can mold it into fire and brimstone within the hour. You, uh … said you had something left to say?”

“Yes. I just want to add that, no, I am not having a cow and I wish dinos would stop comparing me to a cow because I will sue them for 250 million moolah-moolah again. And again. I learned from the best. The T-Rump. I don’t care if the cow is more popular than me. I really don’t. I’m not taking this personal. Because I am the Devilnunesmemo and – and … I do not have subpoena power! There I said it. Sad. So sad. But, lest we forget, the T-Rump is showing us great leadership. Just great. Where would we be without him?”

“Thank you, Devil. We have one more special guest, just back from her latest tour of the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Let’s hear it for the T-Rump’s and your favourite chief of Homeland Security, the Kirstjennielsen.”

Applause began, then paused as heads turned, trying to find her.

“Kirstjen? Has anyone seen Kirstjen?”

The dino agent of the Muellersavus team lashed out with his tail, carving a crease in the rock wall.

“He’s a turncoat! A turkeysaurus! A traitor!”

“He’s the attorney general,” the Muellersavus reminded him.

The special counsel dino and two of his lead dino agents, the quick-tempered Deepthroater and the Tonytonsils cooled their heels, tails up in the late afternoon as rush-hour traffic passed by outside at a slow-moving Diplodocus pace.

“The Williambarr buried us boss,” the Tonytonsils chimed in. “He flat out ignored our summaries. He cherrypicked what he wanted to say because he’s the T-Rump’s dino. Bought and paid for. Where’s the justice? I have a b-a-a-a-d feeling about this.”

“Now, now, Tony. Don’t lose sight. I’m working with him on this — trying to, anyway — scrubbing the footprints so dinos at home will have something to see.”

“But we already did that — in our own summaries! All of them were good to go for any dino. He’s lying when he says every footprint needs to be scrubbed. He’s been pushing back since the day we finished our investigation. Now he’s just gone rogue. Every new footprint in the sand from him is a step in some crazy direction. He’s drunk with T-Rump power.”

“Justice will prevail,” the Muellersavus said reverently. “The Dino Nation demands it.”

Dinosaurs indeed had been gathering across the Milkanhoney Preservation, protesting en masse to see the Muellersavus’ report tout suite. Not a footprint here and a footprint there. All of it.

“I just hope it’s not too late,” said the Deepthroater. “I knew there was something wrong when he put out those four footprints in the sand. He took it upon himself to say the T-Rump didn’t obstruct justice. How would he know? He didn’t create the report. We did! Then he has the gall to add our note about the T-Rump not being exonerated. Like an afterthought. Not one derogatory detail!”

“Don’t forget the details he said were already public,” said the Tonytonsils. “As if that explains everything away. He got the jump on us, boss. It’s his word as the legal dino of the land, making the rounds at the local watering holes. He’s setting the tone, the public perception, after we busted our tails for two years finding the answers. All of them. Alarming and significant.”

The Muellersavus nodded.

“You’re right, Tony. Because you’re working with the facts. The truth. We laid it all out. Even as an independent dino counsel, I knew my decision would be viewed as political the moment I opened my mouth. I wanted the Kongrus Kave to make their own decision, just as they did decades ago with the Trickydickeroo.”

The Deepthroater spit on the floor.

“Instead, the Williambarr speaks of ‘evidence on both sides’ of obstruction. Both sides. Hah! The T-Rump has trained him so well, he’s quoting Charlottesville! We all saw this coming. The Williambarr’s 19 footprints in the sand, claiming the sanctity of the T-Rump’s actions was all he needed to get the job. After the Mattwhitaker, dinos would’ve settled for a pet rock.”

The Deepthroater snuck a peek at the Muellersavus.

“Sorry about talking out of school, boss. We haven’t said boo for 22 months. I just couldn’t keep quiet any longer. I mean, our job was done.”

“I understand, Deepthroat.”

“Say, boss?” It was the Tonytonsils.

“What is it?”

“Since we’re free now, can we do an investigation of the Huckabeecyclops? Huh? Please, boss. Just say the word. I hate that Huckabee. She’s so smug, soaking up every lie from the T-Rump like it’s her last appie. She says the Donkeykongrus are still upset about two years ago. Hell, I’m upset about two seconds ago. Forget the battle campaign. This isn’t about dino politics. This is about our way of life. Remember when we were decent, respectable dinos who stuck to our side of the food chain? Now everybody’s eating everybody. It’s just not right. Dinos don’t do this to one another.”

“No, they don’t,” said the Muellersavus, the stoic stalwart. “No they don’t.”

A heavy rain swelled the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. Inside his cave, the smooth-skinned Jaketapper, a veteran, truth-seeking Mediacircustops, hunkered down with his guest, the Mickmulvaney. The T-Rump’s acting chief of staff was grinning as if his life depended on it. The Jaketapper made a mental note. Never trust a happy dino in the rain.

“Welcome, Mick. Any word on when you’ll be dropping the “acting” from your job title?”

“Look, before the T-Rump won, I called him a terrible dino, his actions on the Great Tex-Mex Divide absurd, almost childish and how he wouldn’t succeed in an ordinary universe. Now I’ve joined the Tedcruz and the Linseygraham as another successful T-Rump Assimilation.”

“Bully for you. Mick, this week the Adamschiff, chair dino with the Kongrus Kave Intelligence Committee ran down a list of some pretty damning incidents: the T-Rump Dump meeting with a Russian legal dino promising dirt on the Crookadillary, the Flynnhasbeen lying about his conversations with the Russodino ambassador, the Manaforta sharing battle campaign information. I couldn’t do his comments justice of course, so I invited him to step in and breathe life into this dark cave. Adam?”

On cue, the Adamschiff stepped out of the shadows. He glared at the Mickmulvaney.

“I don’t think it’s OK. I think It’s immoral, I think it’s unethical, I think it’s unpatriotic, and yes, I think it’s corrupt, and evidence of collusion. I do not think that conduct, criminal or not, is okay.”

“Thanks, Adam,” said the Jaketapper. “You can go now. Oh, and, before I forget. I just wanted to note your strength, fortitude and incredible patience.”

“For my speech?”

“No, for not giving the Devilnunesmemo a good tail-whip upside the head. He was sitting right beside you.”

The Adamschiff exited the cave and the Jaketapper turned to the Mickmulvaney.

“From what we know, the Muellersavus concluded there was not sufficient evidence for any criminal charges having to do with conspiracy or collusion with the Russodinos. But what do you think about his larger point that the actions were unethical?”

“Look, Adam and I go back a long way when we were both in the Kongrus Kave. But now, since the T-Rump called him a pencil-neck … I mean, he’s called dinos worse.”

“I’m talking about ethics on the Russodino matters.”

“Oh. Well, everything Adam said there was available to the Muellersavus.”

“And the entire Milkanhoney Preservation,” Jake interrupted.

“Look, the Muellersavus had much more information but he found no collusion and no obstruction.”

“You may be the chief of staff, but you’re not going to sit here and lie to me. The Muellersavus said the T-Rump was not exonerated on obstruction.”

“Oh, sorry. I was confusing the 380-footprint Muellersavus Report with the 4-footprint, all-encompassing Williambarr summary.”

“R-i-i-i-i-g-h-t. Not a crime but what about the ethics or morality of those incidents?”

“Look.”

“Why do you keep saying ‘look’?”

“The, uh … T-Rump said I needed to be angrier, to stand up to you Mediacircustops. Improve my image. I guess it’s not working, is it?”

“Afraid not. But you do want to stay acting chief of staff.”

“Thank you. Where were we?”

“Ethics and morality. Or lack thereof.”

“Jake, the issue here is not whether it’s ethical.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?”

“No. Look, the Adamschiff runs the Kongrus Kave Intelligence Committee. He gets to see a lot of stuff that the rest of us don’t. He has a huge responsibility not to be partisan. He has to look at the other dinos and say, look, I’ve seen a bunch of stuff, you haven’t seen it because you don’t get to, I do. Trust me, it says X, Y, Z.  Adam has lost the ability to do that.”

“Since when did ethics become partisan?”

“Since the Muellersavus gave us the all clear. You heard all the Grandoldparty dinos call upon Adam’s resignation this week. Look, there are some Democrats who simply can’t get over the fact that the T-Rump is the leader. I get that. And the Adamschiff is one of them. Enough is enough. Time to move on to health — still need a plan there.”

“Mick, All I’m saying here is that you’re setting the bar on criminal charges or evidence of conspiracy and let’s say I agree with you. But Adam’s talking about ethics and morality and you’re saying that’s not his job. Fair enough. But, forget the Adamschiff for a second. What about the larger point of ethics and morality?”

“Jake you’re putting far too much emphasis on this. You’ve seen the great work from the Devilnunesmemo for us, haven’t you. No ethics there, trust me.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What happened to the ordinary universe you mentioned?”

“Long gone. At least until after the next battle campaign. Ethics are not the job of the Kongrus Kave Intelligence Committee.”

“Is it still their job to be intelligent?”

“They’re supposed to review the functioning of government. The dinos of the Milkanhoney Preservation will make their own decisions on whether or not their dino reps need ethics and morals. We can’t have members of the Kongrus Kave substituting their own judgement for the dinos they represent.”

“Yet it’s okay for the dino attorney general, the Williambarr to substitute his own judgement when the Muellersavus didn’t offer one on the obstruction of justice?”

“The Williambarr did a fine job of soaking in the two years of Muellersavus’ work in two days. Look, Jake. Perhaps I can sum things up here.”

“Please.”

“When I first met the Garycohn I wanted to get noticed by the T-Rump by cutting dinos’ health and welfare. So I walked up to Gary and said, Hi, I’m a right-wing nutjob.”

“Thank you, acting chief of staff.”

The Dickydurbin of the Sin Hut Moolah-Moolah Committee stared across the flat rock at the Secretary of Education dino, the Betsydevos. She smiled at him with a grin that was awkwardly disarming. Was she expecting some kind of door prize? Undaunted, the Dickydurbin began his line of questioning.

“How’d you get this job again?”

“My father-in-law owns the Amway Archipelago — the chain of mud ponds that no dino can pass without taking a dip. And surely you’ve heard of my brother, the Erikprince? He was at that Seychelles-by-the-Seashore meeting, the one the Muellersavus was investigating? Call my crazy, but I believe there’s a link between those two things and my being here.”

“As to your being here, dino secretary, I’ll cut to the chase.”

“Did you just say you’re going to chase me?”

“It’s a cliché.”

“What’s that?”

“Did you personally approve the elimination of the 18 million moolah-moolah leaves from your budget to help the Special Dino Games?

“The budget process is a collaborative one. Coh-lab-or-a-tive. That’s my big word for the day. It’s been my responsibility to present the budget here. The T-Rump’s budget, you know. The big guy?

The Dickydurbin tapped the flat rock impatiently.

“I think a yes or no will do.”

“Well, I’m just the boss … which means I didn’t come close to being personally involved.”

“Alright. Whenever you figure out what exact role you played, you can give the delusional dino who made that decision a special dino games gold medal for Walnut Whacko.

The Betsydevos perked right up. A small fire inside made her smile flash a little brighter.

“Let’s not use disabled dinos in a twisted way for your political narrative. Um. That is just disgusting. And it’s shameful too.”

“No, your eliminating 18 million from a 68 billion moolah-moolah budget is shameful.”

“Did you say billion?”

“I did.”

“How many zeros is that?”

“Look, dino secretary, I’m not twisting it. I asked you to answer yes or no.”

“It’s not a yes or no answer.” Hmm, she thought to herself. She racked her wee brain. What is it that other Grandoldparty dinos do? Oh, right. Deflect. Distract. “Ahem, did I tell you about my favorite charter schools? They’re the wave of the future, you know.”

The Dickydurbin wasn’t buying it.

“You couldn’t even get this cut through when you controlled the Kongrus Kave and the Sin Hut!”

“I had to do something. Do you know how much spare time I have on my hands?”

“Dino secretary, do you understand this is a life-affirming event for many of these special dinos?”

“Of course I do. You’re describing an erupting volcano to a dino who has stumbled into a few. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Special Dino Games. I love its work. I’ve personally supported its mission. I think the Special Dino Games is an awesome event.”

“Do you know how many kids are going to be affected by this cut?”

“I have no idea. And no, I have not intentionally visited any of these games.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Maybe I should. Say, is there something else you wanted to tell me to help me do my job better? You know, I never went to a public school. Or worked in one.”

“You may go now. Please. … Hurry. … I said, Leave.”

She trudged outside the cave and stopped dead in her tracks. The T-Rump stood there waiting for her. One look said he wasn’t here for a peck on the cheek.

“You know, normally I don’t ask this of the dinos in my cabinet. But … do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

“Sometimes. I mean, a little less than that.”

“I’m overriding you, Betsy.”

“Why, thank you. Where are we riding to?”

The Muellersavus Report had finally landed. The footprints in the sand were for big dino eyeballs only. Except those big dinos would have to wait. The Williambarr and the Muellersavus were holed up in a DOJ (Dinos Open-Jawed) cave. The Williambarr had promised to come up with a brief summary over the weekend for the clammering, unwashed masses. Millions of impatient, stinky dinos tend to push up a deadline.

The Williambarr patted the Muellersavus on the back.

“No pressure, Bob. You just need to feed me the Cliff Shouts version of your investigation and we’ll be out of here in no time. My wife and I have a dinner date on the west side. In-season Bracchiosaurus. M-m-m-m!” He salivated, his saliva dripping onto the Muellersavus’ shoulder, who paid him no mind.

“Something wrong, Bob?”

“A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-g-g-g-g-g-g-h-h-h-h!”

It was a long, agonizing bellow. The Muellersavus slumped back in his squat, panting, exhausted.

“Wow,” said the Williambarr. “That was a long time coming. Feeling better?”

“Ahem. Sorry, Bob. 22 months of this. 22 months of collusion, obstruction, collusion, obstruction. A new revelation every day followed by contacts, cover-ups and cock-and-bull stories.

“I warned you not to listen to the news.”

“But I needed to come up for air … and it only made me sink back into the depths of this … this … I think I’m going to scream again.”

“Go for it, though I may have to stop calling you Silent Bob.”

The moment passed however like a missed sneeze. The Muellersavus put his grim face back on.

“I have a theory.”

“You’re going to have to better than that, Bob. I need the crimes — followed by innocence or guilt.”

“Hear me out. The odd time when I did look up from my work and took a peek outside my cave, I’d see the … O-o-o-o-o-h!” he shivered. “The New Norm.”

“You mean morn. Like a new day?”

“No. Norm. The new normal. It made me see how society has set the bar so low for the T-Rump to maintain his leadership … yet we have the bar so high in the sky to prove he committed a crime. It’s an inverse relationship, Bill. The lower the first bar, the higher the second.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re not paying you to do math. Or philosophy. Tell me what you have on the Russodino collusion.”

“Honestly? I didn’t have to do one interview. There was the T-Rump Dump meeting for dirt on the Crookadillary. One month later the T-Rump asked the Russodinos to get the Crookadillary’s secrets and they were looking for them within hours. There were more Russodinos at T-Rump’s inauguration than at the Putinodon’s for crying out loud. The T-Rump sharing secrets with the Russodinos inside the Oval Dwelling. The T-Rump wanting to release the Sanctionsaurus and change policy in the Ukrainia, 16 T-Rump dinos had over 100 Russodino contacts, including the Erikprince and the Kirilldimitriev meeting in the Seychelles by the Seashore. The Manaforta worked for free so he could “get whole” with the Olegderipaska? C’mon, Bill. Nobody works for free! At Smelstinki, the T-Rump throws the Langleyops under the Priebusunderbus. So, of course the T-Rump is licking the feet of our worst enemy. Why wouldn’t he? Do I really need to go on?”

The Williambarr nodded thoughtfully.

“Well, when you put it that way. It’s in plain sight and we’ve missed it. You’re right. The T-Rump-Russodino connection has become so commonplace, it’s like a fart in the wind.”

“That’s why he’s lying about climate change.”

“Okay, what about the obstruction of justice?”

“Obstruction? More like obliteration. We need only review the first six months of last year. The T-Rump asks the Comeyonus for a pledge of loyalty. Then to let go of the Flynnhasbeen investigation. The T-Rump asks the Danielcoates and the Mikepompeo to persuade the Comeyonus. More T-Rump conversations with the Comeyonus to end his investigation. The T-Rump fires the Comeyonus, then dumps on the Sessionsopossum for appointing the Muellersavus. The T-Rump explores his options, including firing the Muellersavus … puts down false footprints in the sand for the T-Rump Jr. regarding the T-Rump Dump meeting … calls for the firing of the Andrewmccabe and has always made false or misleading statements to deceive the good dinos of the Milkanhoney Preservation. That’s ten and I’m only scratching the surface, Bill.”

“I can’t go back out there with that. He’ll crucify me!”

“What do you suggest? I ended this investigation because it was just more of the same. Constant, never ending collusion, obstruction, collusion, obstruction …”

“Bob, Bob, snap out of it! … Look at me. … Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll go with the two parts: collusion and obstruction. I know you’re a straight tail, Bob, but there’s only two ways to do things in this reservoir. The right way and the other right way. You did good, Bob, but who are we kidding? Everything’s political. We need to give meat to both sides or they’ll gobble us up like Caviaraptor legs. What we need is … we need …”

He looked down at the ground.

“Aha!”

The Williambarr picked up a small rock with two flat sides.

“Shiny side: no collusion. Dark side: no obstruction.”

“Twenty-two months and it comes down to this?”

“There there, Bob. Save your sanity. Good dinos don’t let their friends think too hard. There’s a … what did you call it? A new normal out there. And a Bracchiosaurus feast with my name on it.”

He patted his belly and flipped the rock in the air. It landed …

“Shiny side. Okay, so we have obstruction. Where to begin?”

He noticed the tremor in the Muellersavus’ tail.

“I’m kidding! Hah! Really had you going there, Bob.”

The Muellersavus looked at him with wondering eyes.

“What are you going to do?”

“Easy. I’ll just stamp out four footprints in the sand. Call’em conclusions. No, principal conclusions. Make dinos think we worked a little harder. I’m not cracking my walnut on this one after seeing what it’s done to you. We’ll just pass this whole obstruction thing off to the Jerrynadler. Hah! Let him sort it out.”

“Take a look already.”

“I just did.”

“Go look again,” said the Tyrumposaurus.

The Marinegunkelly slowly rose from his haunches and trudged across the Oval Dwelling. It was his only role these days: Subpoenasaurus Look-Out. He reached the doorway and stuck his crooked neck out.

“All clear,” he called back.

“You’re sure now?”

“You’re paranoid.”

The T-Rump turned to the Rudygiuliani and the Jaysekulow.

“That Muellersavus is going to be the death of us all. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months. I’d start paying you two moolah-moolah but I can’t afford to slip ONE notch in the FORD List.”

FORD stood for Filthy, Obscenely Rich Dinos.

“We need a new strategy,” said the T-Rump. “The Treygowdy blew up our Spygate excuse, that little white-haired weasel, talking out of the wrong nostril again. Whaddaya got, Rudy? Something crazy, I hope?”

The Rudygiuliani leaned forward. Too fast. He was so eager he did a face plant in the sand. No one came to his aid. It was all part of his daily sideshow. He struggled back on his haunches, rubbed his eyes with his short arms and blinked wide-eyed several times. Head cleared, he slapped his hands together and his delirious grin finally reappeared. He pointed a wavering claw in the air.

“Changing recollection.”

“What?!” said the T-Rump. “This isn’t some recycling program!”

“No, no. It’s a new way we can LIE.”

He drew the word out like the seasoned veteran he was. He knew the T-Rump liked a long lie. The longer, the better.

“Go on.”

“We got good mileage out of the Kellyanneconvixway’s ‘alternative facts,’ right?”

“God, I hate that phrase, and she’s on our team,” the Jaysekulow said, shaking his head.

“You see,” said the Rudygiuliani, “we need a new cover phrase for our lies because we need to get out front of a lot of them. And I mean a LOT.”

“Are we talking all 3,251?” asked the T-Rump.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Just the big ones. You know, the whoppers.”

“Well, I am the greatest.”

The Jaysekulow wiped his nose on a moolah-moolah leaf and frowned.

“They got us dead to rights on you dictating that message to the T-Rump Jr. after the Russodino meeting.”

“Damn Mediacircustops,” the T-Rump cursed. Always with the questions.“

“Problem solved,” said the Rudygiuliani. “We just say with so much information out there, coupled with us having to concoct cover stories for cover stories for cover stories, there’s no way we could keep things straight.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” said the Jaysekulow.

“Quiet,” said the T-Rump. “I can always bring back the Dowderpuff.”

The two legal dinos looked at each other. They knew that wasn’t happening any time soon. The Dowderpuff had last been seen hightailing it for the Valley de la Vegetatif, home to dinos both vapid and vacuous.

The T-Rump caught the eye of the Marinegunkelly.

“What are you looking at. The, uh … doorway?”

The chief Subpoenasaurus Spotter trudged once more to the entrance.

“Ahem, I’m not done,” said the Rudygiuliani.

“There’s more?” said the T-Rump. “Such great return on my investment.”

Another look shared by the two legal dinos. What investment? They were working pro bono.

“Uh, that’s right,” said the Rudygiuliani, “we get around this whole obstruction of justice thingamabob by telling them who you really are.”

“The Tyrumposaurus? … Or one of my many aliases used to help pump up publicity for my insatiable need of recognition from the Mediacircustops.”

“No, not that. You are leader of the free-running dinosaur world. And as such, you probably — that’s the key word here because, heh-heh, I’ve forgotten more than the Jaysekulow will ever know.”

“Very funny,” said his crusty colleague.

“Which means maybe,” said the Rudygiuliani, “just maybe, you can tell the Meullersavus to stick it where Brown Nose Raptor goes. I mean, you’re the boss … the head honcho … the T-Rump of this dump.”

The T-Rump’s orange brow furrowed.

“You mean I can’t obstruct myself? I can pardon any dino I want — including myself — and I can call off the whole Russodino investigation?”

“Basically,” said the Rudygiuliani. “We just need to throw in some ‘ifs,’ a few ‘maybes’ and sprinkle in some ‘buts.’”

“Don’t forget the ‘probablies,’” said the Jaysekulow. “Lots of probablies.”

“Make it so,” said the T-Rump.

And that was how the T-Rump’s vaunted legal dino team set in place 20 footprints in the sand a judicial planning strategy, a JPS that stood for Just Plain Stupid, the most insane legal stance ever hatched by the Oval Dwelling walnut-brained.