Satire The Trump Dig

The Lost Weekend …

The Muellersavus Report had finally landed. The footprints in the sand were for big dino eyeballs only. Except those big dinos would have to wait. The Williambarr and the Muellersavus were holed up in a DOJ (Dinos Open-Jawed) cave. …

The Muellersavus Report had finally landed. The footprints in the sand were for big dino eyeballs only. Except those big dinos would have to wait. The Williambarr and the Muellersavus were holed up in a DOJ (Dinos Open-Jawed) cave. The Williambarr had promised to come up with a brief summary over the weekend for the clammering, unwashed masses. Millions of impatient, stinky dinos tend to push up a deadline.

The Williambarr patted the Muellersavus on the back.

“No pressure, Bob. You just need to feed me the Cliff Shouts version of your investigation and we’ll be out of here in no time. My wife and I have a dinner date on the west side. In-season Bracchiosaurus. M-m-m-m!” He salivated, his saliva dripping onto the Muellersavus’ shoulder, who paid him no mind.

“Something wrong, Bob?”


It was a long, agonizing bellow. The Muellersavus slumped back in his squat, panting, exhausted.

“Wow,” said the Williambarr. “That was a long time coming. Feeling better?”

“Ahem. Sorry, Bob. 22 months of this. 22 months of collusion, obstruction, collusion, obstruction. A new revelation every day followed by contacts, cover-ups and cock-and-bull stories.

“I warned you not to listen to the news.”

“But I needed to come up for air … and it only made me sink back into the depths of this … this … I think I’m going to scream again.”

“Go for it, though I may have to stop calling you Silent Bob.”

The moment passed however like a missed sneeze. The Muellersavus put his grim face back on.

“I have a theory.”

“You’re going to have to better than that, Bob. I need the crimes — followed by innocence or guilt.”

“Hear me out. The odd time when I did look up from my work and took a peek outside my cave, I’d see the … O-o-o-o-o-h!” he shivered. “The New Norm.”

“You mean morn. Like a new day?”

“No. Norm. The new normal. It made me see how society has set the bar so low for the T-Rump to maintain his leadership … yet we have the bar so high in the sky to prove he committed a crime. It’s an inverse relationship, Bill. The lower the first bar, the higher the second.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re not paying you to do math. Or philosophy. Tell me what you have on the Russodino collusion.”

“Honestly? I didn’t have to do one interview. There was the T-Rump Dump meeting for dirt on the Crookadillary. One month later the T-Rump asked the Russodinos to get the Crookadillary’s secrets and they were looking for them within hours. There were more Russodinos at T-Rump’s inauguration than at the Putinodon’s for crying out loud. The T-Rump sharing secrets with the Russodinos inside the Oval Dwelling. The T-Rump wanting to release the Sanctionsaurus and change policy in the Ukrainia, 16 T-Rump dinos had over 100 Russodino contacts, including the Erikprince and the Kirilldimitriev meeting in the Seychelles by the Seashore. The Manaforta worked for free so he could “get whole” with the Olegderipaska? C’mon, Bill. Nobody works for free! At Smelstinki, the T-Rump throws the Langleyops under the Priebusunderbus. So, of course the T-Rump is licking the feet of our worst enemy. Why wouldn’t he? Do I really need to go on?”

The Williambarr nodded thoughtfully.

“Well, when you put it that way. It’s in plain sight and we’ve missed it. You’re right. The T-Rump-Russodino connection has become so commonplace, it’s like a fart in the wind.”

That’s why he’s lying about climate change.”

“Okay, what about the obstruction of justice?”

“Obstruction? More like obliteration. We need only review the first six months of last year. The T-Rump asks the Comeyonus for a pledge of loyalty. Then to let go of the Flynnhasbeen investigation. The T-Rump asks the Danielcoates and the Mikepompeo to persuade the Comeyonus. More T-Rump conversations with the Comeyonus to end his investigation. The T-Rump fires the Comeyonus, then dumps on the Sessionsopossum for appointing the Muellersavus. The T-Rump explores his options, including firing the Muellersavus … puts down false footprints in the sand for the T-Rump Jr. regarding the T-Rump Dump meeting … calls for the firing of the Andrewmccabe and has always made false or misleading statements to deceive the good dinos of the Milkanhoney Preservation. That’s ten and I’m only scratching the surface, Bill.”

“I can’t go back out there with that. He’ll crucify me!”

“What do you suggest? I ended this investigation because it was just more of the same. Constant, never ending collusion, obstruction, collusion, obstruction …”

“Bob, Bob, snap out of it! … Look at me. … Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll go with the two parts: collusion and obstruction. I know you’re a straight tail, Bob, but there’s only two ways to do things in this reservoir. The right way and the other right way. You did good, Bob, but who are we kidding? Everything’s political. We need to give meat to both sides or they’ll gobble us up like Caviaraptor legs. What we need is … we need …”

He looked down at the ground.


The Williambarr picked up a small rock with two flat sides.

“Shiny side: no collusion. Dark side: no obstruction.”

“Twenty-two months and it comes down to this?”

“There there, Bob. Save your sanity. Good dinos don’t let their friends think too hard. There’s a … what did you call it? A new normal out there. And a Bracchiosaurus feast with my name on it.”

He patted his belly and flipped the rock in the air. It landed …

“Shiny side. Okay, so we have obstruction. Where to begin?”

He noticed the tremor in the Muellersavus’ tail.

“I’m kidding! Hah! Really had you going there, Bob.”

The Muellersavus looked at him with wondering eyes.

“What are you going to do?”

“Easy. I’ll just stamp out four footprints in the sand. Call’em conclusions. No, principal conclusions. Make dinos think we worked a little harder. I’m not cracking my walnut on this one after seeing what it’s done to you. We’ll just pass this whole obstruction thing off to the Jerrynadler. Hah! Let him sort it out.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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