Satire The Trump Dig

Alarming and Significant …

The dino agent of the Muellersavus team lashed out with his tail, carving a crease in the rock wall.
“He’s a turncoat! A turkeysaurus! A traitor!”
“He’s the attorney general,” the Muellersavus reminded him.

The dino agent of the Muellersavus team lashed out with his tail, carving a crease in the rock wall.

“He’s a turncoat! A turkeysaurus! A traitor!”

“He’s the attorney general,” the Muellersavus reminded him.

The special counsel dino and two of his lead dino agents, the quick-tempered Deepthroater and the Tonytonsils cooled their heels, tails up in the late afternoon as rush-hour traffic passed by outside at a slow-moving Diplodocus pace.

“The Williambarr buried us boss,” the Tonytonsils chimed in. “He flat out ignored our summaries. He cherrypicked what he wanted to say because he’s the T-Rump’s dino. Bought and paid for. Where’s the justice? I have a b-a-a-a-d feeling about this.”

“Now, now, Tony. Don’t lose sight. I’m working with him on this — trying to, anyway — scrubbing the footprints so dinos at home will have something to see.”

“But we already did that — in our own summaries! All of them were good to go for any dino. He’s lying when he says every footprint needs to be scrubbed. He’s been pushing back since the day we finished our investigation. Now he’s just gone rogue. Every new footprint in the sand from him is a step in some crazy direction. He’s drunk with T-Rump power.”

“Justice will prevail,” the Muellersavus said reverently. “The Dino Nation demands it.”

Dinosaurs indeed had been gathering across the Milkanhoney Preservation, protesting en masse to see the Muellersavus’ report tout suite. Not a footprint here and a footprint there. All of it.

“I just hope it’s not too late,” said the Deepthroater. “I knew there was something wrong when he put out those four footprints in the sand. He took it upon himself to say the T-Rump didn’t obstruct justice. How would he know? He didn’t create the report. We did! Then he has the gall to add our note about the T-Rump not being exonerated. Like an afterthought. Not one derogatory detail!”

“Don’t forget the details he said were already public,” said the Tonytonsils. “As if that explains everything away. He got the jump on us, boss. It’s his word as the legal dino of the land, making the rounds at the local watering holes. He’s setting the tone, the public perception, after we busted our tails for two years finding the answers. All of them. Alarming and significant.”

The Muellersavus nodded.

“You’re right, Tony. Because you’re working with the facts. The truth. We laid it all out. Even as an independent dino counsel, I knew my decision would be viewed as political the moment I opened my mouth. I wanted the Kongrus Kave to make their own decision, just as they did decades ago with the Trickydickeroo.”

The Deepthroater spit on the floor.

“Instead, the Williambarr speaks of ‘evidence on both sides’ of obstruction. Both sides. Hah! The T-Rump has trained him so well, he’s quoting Charlottesville! We all saw this coming. The Williambarr’s 19 footprints in the sand, claiming the sanctity of the T-Rump’s actions was all he needed to get the job. After the Mattwhitaker, dinos would’ve settled for a pet rock.”

The Deepthroater snuck a peek at the Muellersavus.

“Sorry about talking out of school, boss. We haven’t said boo for 22 months. I just couldn’t keep quiet any longer. I mean, our job was done.”

“I understand, Deepthroat.”

“Say, boss?” It was the Tonytonsils.

“What is it?”

“Since we’re free now, can we do an investigation of the Huckabeecyclops? Huh? Please, boss. Just say the word. I hate that Huckabee. She’s so smug, soaking up every lie from the T-Rump like it’s her last appie. She says the Donkeykongrus are still upset about two years ago. Hell, I’m upset about two seconds ago. Forget the battle campaign. This isn’t about dino politics. This is about our way of life. Remember when we were decent, respectable dinos who stuck to our side of the food chain? Now everybody’s eating everybody. It’s just not right. Dinos don’t do this to one another.”

“No, they don’t,” said the Muellersavus, the stoic stalwart. “No they don’t.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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