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Donald Trump Humor The T-Rump Dig

Summer of No Sunshine …

It was the opening night of the Grandoldparty National Conference at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern. The Tyrumposaurus’ son, T-Rump Jr. approached the flat rock lectern. The dinos in the front row were taken aback by his teary-eyed status. They looked and agreed with each other that he must be crying inside because no tears were coming forth.

“Good evening, I’m Donny T-Rump and my father is leader of Dino Nation so I get to speak on the first night. I was planning to speak right before my father on the last night, but the Tyvanka wanted that spot. So, here I am. I’m okay with it. I’m not crying. Really.”

“I wanted to open by talking about unity and opportunity, to give you that, um … warm and fuzzy feeling like when you’ve just been handed a lot of moolah-moolah leaves? I know this may surprise you, but I’m always preaching togetherness. Saying nice things. But that damn Joebiden, his radical leftwing policies would stop our dino jobs cold. He wants to shut Dino Nation down again. Who shuts down Dino Nation twice in a pandemic? Damn! I said the p-word. You weren’t supposed to hear that. Can we start this over again? No?”

“Okay, okay. Look, my main squeeze is over there. Hi, Kimberly. Smile at everyone so they’ll forget. Great. Thanks. Back to me. The Joebiden. He is going to crush the average working dino. I know we’ve been calling him feeble and inept and cowering in his dark, subterranean cave, but read my eyes … he is going to crush you!

“You know, when I open my mouth in our home cave, my dad will make fun of me — dad sarcasm I call it — and yes, sometimes he tells me I’m talking nonsense and to shut the hell up. You should hear what he says to Eric. Anyway, my point is, he will treat you better than me. Yeah, his own son. Because the Grandoldparty is the home of free speech. Just don’t get in the way of my old man when he wants to cross the path to point to the sky at some heavenly body. We had to tell him it wasn’t a woman. Yeah!”

“But the Milkanhoney Preservation is the greatest place on earth. My father’s entire worldview, you know, the four places he can pick out, it really goes back to that famous quote from the Johneffkennedy, “Ask not what your dino nation can do for you but what you can do for my dad. He says you can always do better.”

“That means rejecting the radicals that want to drag us into the dark, down some path and do unspeakable things to us that well meaning conspiracy theorists on our side will then have a field day with. …. Uh, what’s that? Kimberly is making eye contact with me like she said she would if I, uh … entered a danger zone.”

He winked at her.

“Thanks, honey. My main squeeze, everyone. A bright, beautiful future is in store for us with my wife. I mean my dad. We need my father for four more years. That is, if you want a great job. Like I have. A beautiful cave. Like mine. And a perfect family and perfect partner. Me again. Kimberly, get up here and prove me wrong. Dinos! My beautiful, perfect not-yet-but-maybe-wife, the Kimberlyguilfoyle!”

Kimberly tromped over to the flat rock lectern. They went to kiss each other on the cheek but weren’t in sync. They bumped heads instead.   

“Uh, ohmigod, hello, everyone. I’m the Kimberlyguilfoyle, that’s right, the Gavinnewsom’s ex. We were married for five years. Then I married the Ericvillency for three years. That makes my average marriage four years. Do you want me for another four years?”

Bizarre looks from the crowd.

“Of course you do. Because I know a winner when I see one. The T-Rump! And Junior of course. I want to say right up front that I, like my husband and the T-Rump and every last dino who sips from the swamp, we’re all really, really sweet dinos with only nice things to say. That’s us. We want to welcome all dinos into this deep-rooted, heart-warming, transactional relationship.”

“The nicest thing I can say about the Joebiden is that he is a socialist comrade. He would swim backwards … underwater with his legs tied together by his tail … to Cuba-Scuba and Venezuela-Wayla …to bring back their destructive, socialist policies. The Joebiden and company won’t wait for an earthquake. No way. He wants to destroy Dino Nation and everything that we have fought for and hold dear right now. He wants to take the dirt from the floor of your cave. The dirt from your floor! You might go outside and get some more, but that was special dirt! You walked on it! It had that … feeling between your toes, right?”

“They want to control what you see. What you think. What you believe. They want to get inside your head. Inside your walnut. Who are these people? They want to control how you live. Remember the dirt. Louder, dinos! Remember the dirt!”

Several dinos had worried looks on their faces. Donny Jr. looked like he was crying and smiling at the same time, the happy tears trapped in his eyeballs. Kimberly was just warming up.

“The T-Rump said what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening. I’m sorry, but we cannot be more transparent than that. We really can’t. Blame it on the Joebiden. We no longer know what we’re doing because their actions are so diabolical they’re brainwashing us.”

The T-Rump Jr.’s main squeeze looked like her brain was being squeezed, caught in some obscene exorcism with the devil winning.

“They want to enslave us all to the weak, dependent, liberal, victim ideology — only red dinos can be victims. I know, it’s confusing. To the point you will not recognize Dino Nation or yourself, or your children or the dirt on your own floor.”

She turned to Donny Jr.

“You still recognize, don’t you? Donny?”

“What, the dirt on the floor?”

“Me, dummy!”

He tromped back to the lectern.

“I – I recognize you. Sure I do. At least I think I do. Baby, you need some hydroxychloroquine. So your eyes can be like mine. We’re in this together, Kimmy. Say, are you okay to sing? Because it’s time to sing our song.”

“I don’t know. I’m hearing voices in my head. Those damn Donkeykongrus. You go ahead, Donny, I’m with you in spirit.”

“Spirit, you say? Nothing else?”

She nodded hopefully.

“Okay, pumpkin squashy-kins. The Donkeykongrus can have their stupid, silly summer of love. We know better, don’t we? Hit it!”

We got to be real right-wing

Bought into a life of crime

Stayed quiet as Covid spread

It’s the summer of no sunshine

We’re not too wise, but cruel

Had a plan to change the old guard

Daddy’s it, justice got buried

Joebiden is the Loch Ness Monster

Oh, he’ll drag us back now

This summer of no fun forever

Cuz Joe would take your voice

Yeah, he’s always lurking in there

These are the worst days of your life

You need some more explainin’

Look at what they put you through

Spending the days trapped in your cave then

There’s somethin’ you can do, yeah

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh!

Man, re-election time

This is Biden’s madness

My old man’s doing fine

His tweets do not harass, whatever, whatever, no!

      

Yeah!

We’re gonna be life-changin’

Have four years really come and gone?

While my dad worked on his back-swing

Just look at all Joebiden did wrong

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh

It is the summer of no sunshine, oh, yeah

Me and Kimberly with no sunshine, oh

It is the summer

The summer, the summer of no sunshine, yeah

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Send in the Clowns …

“Good evening. I’m Wolfblitzer and I have breaking news because, unfortunately, these are the times we live in. The Jimacosta, the Andersoncooper and the Jaketapper join me as we set the stage here at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern for the Grandoldparty National Conference. First off, my heart goes out to the 175,000 plus dinos who have passed away from the Coronavirus because that is the last mention of this tragedy you will hear from the Tyrumposaurus and his followers. Jim, what can we expect tonight and for the next four days, barring the earth opening up and swallowing us all?”

“Thank you, Wolf. The T-Rump believes more of him is evidently better, so he will be speaking every night. That’s right. Every single night. Will he say the same thing? That would save us time, wouldn’t it? He’s calling himself the Talent in Chief. My sources are saying we are looking at a 4-day seminar in Acute Narcissism. Can he explain away the mess he has left in his wake over the past four years? Oh, wait, I just spotted the Marthamcsally. Let me get her thoughts on this.” 

The Jimacosta moved into position.

“Martha, one moment, please. Jimacosta, Truth be Told Mediacircustops. What are you doing here?”

“What do you think, bozo? I see dinos. They have to eat. We all do. All I’m doing is asking them to starve themselves for two — three hours, tops! — and give me their moolah-moolah leaves instead. The Markkelly is killing me! By the way, did you eat yet?”

“Uh, no. Back to you, Wolf.”

“Thanks, Jim. That was truly disturbing, indeed. Anderson, the T-Rump camp has promised some break-out stars in their dino speaker line-up. I’m not sure if they meant breakout as in jail break, but perhaps we could do a quick recap of some of these speakers for our audience. I’ll give you the name and you give our audience a brief response. Word association, if you will, in the interests of time and my incredulity.”

“Be still my beating heart.”  

“The Mincepencenow.”

“This is his warm-up for the Kamalaharris debate. She’ll win and she’s not even here.”

“The Tomcotton.”

“He thought buying Greenland was a good idea.”

“Good lord. The Nikkihaley.”

“What’s a nice girl like her … I’m sorry. The Mencepencenow is really sweating by now.”

“The Kellyanneconvixway, who just quit I might add.”

“Yes, funny, how a large audience and potential criminal charges weasel their way in. The Donkeykongrus scored another win and this isn’t even their conference.”

“The Rudygiuliani.”

“Bless his heart. The resolute rabbit hole diver taking a rare day off.”

“The Mccloskeysaurae from Saint-Louis-Phooey.”

“Wolf, let’s hope security is tight. We don’t want to see any dinos hurt.”

“No, of course we don’t. Next is the Nicholassandmann.”

“We only have his silent, grinning mug to go by. Perhaps he will give us a stirring tribute to our fine Indigenosaurae. Then again. Perhaps not.”

“Anderson, this is truly amazing. There are no less than six Tyrumposaurae on the schedule. Let’s start with Melania.”

“Let’s be serious, Wolf. She won’t be speaking. She doesn’t want to upstage her new rose garden.”

“A thorny issue there. Donald Jr.”

“According to him, the Donkeykongrus have fully embraced the Communistmanifesty dino species.”

“It certainly appears that way, doesn’t it? Let’s not forget Eric.”

“Next. I don’t traffic in Qanonymousarus theories.”

“Fair enough. And Tiffany?”

“Why is she even here?”

“Thank you for your valuable insight, Anderson. We are all smarter for it. Your thoughts, Jake? I noticed there is a melodic element traveling beneath my words. Yes, it is breaking news, everyone. The Jaketapper is going to sing.”

He isn’t rich

Can’t grow a pair

Speakers at last he has found

Are all hot air

Send in the clowns

This is death’s kiss

Who could approve?

Those who keep spreading around

The virus lies prove

They know no bounds

Send in the clowns

Can they be stopped? … Down on all fours

I pray the world might only hear their listeners’ snores

The new fascist right wing, a new vacant stare

Nothing is fine

No one is there

This is a farce

Let me be clear

If they’re all autistic savants

Then, then I won’t jeer

It’s all upside down

Send in the clowns

God help us, they’re here

He isn’t rich

But quick to smear

Turning to Loudobbs this late in his career

All falling down

These are his best clowns

Please be their last year

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!