Satire The T-Rump Dig

Soul Eater …

The Linseygraham’s tail slapped down hard on the flat rock. Twice. The Sin Hut Hearing was in session. The toady Williambarr and his indelible frown squatted before the Donkeykongrus and Grandoldparty Sin Hutters. His prospects indeed looked grim.

The Linseygraham’s tail slapped down hard on the flat rock. Twice. The Sin Hut Hearing was in session. The toady Williambarr and his indelible frown squatted before the Donkeykongrus and Grandoldparty Sin Hutters. His prospects indeed looked grim. After all, it was only the night before when news broke that the Muellersavus had informed the Williambarr on several occasions that his four-footprint summary of the Muellersavus’ report was simply swamp scum. This, after the Williambarr had told everyone for a month that he and the Muellersavus were good ol’ dino pals at the DOJ (Dinos Open-Jawed.)

“Alright then,” said the Linseygraham. “I just want to say off the top … for me, this is OVER. Yessirree. Over. You may want to stick around though. I may drop an F-bomb. So behave yourself, Blumenthal.”

Suddenly the Comeyonus ran in front of the Sin Hut hearing, hands raised, a worried look in his eyes.

“A word of warning. Watch your soul!

With that he scampered off into the bush.

“Good grief,” the Linseygraham, said, rising from his squat, his neck already turning red. “Hurry up and get yapping, Blumenthal, before we get more crazies comin’ out of the woods.”

The skinny Blumenthal gazed down at the stocky Williambarr. He’d need to measure every word against the wily, highest ranking legal dino in the land.

“Attorney dino general, now that we know you know we know …”

“Excuse me? I’m not sure I understand who is you and who is we?”

“Okay. I’ll try and keep this easy for you. When the Muellersavus spoke with you, saying he was upset with how you misrepresented his report, did any dino make footprints of that converation?”

“There were footprints.”

“May we see them?”


“Why not?”

“Why should you see them?”

“Because I’m looking for a lead in my next dino play called ‘A.G. — Absolute Goofball’”

“F-Bomb!” shouted the Linseygraham. “Again! This is over! Not the F-bombs though. Sorry, dino tots out there, but I warned you.”

The Linseygraham then called upon Grandoldparty Sin Hutter, the Joshhawley, who spent his five minutes talking about a Langleyops spying on a Grandoldparty dino, pointing to evidence of their fossilized remains being found too close together in sedimentary rock from two million years ago. The Maziehirono was up next.

“Attorney dino general … and I use that term loosely. You substituted your own political judgement. The Muellersavus objected to your silly summary. You lied about it. You have betrayed our trust. The dino nation deserves better. You should resign.”

“Says who? I dare any dino to stand up and state their name if they dare call for my resignation.”

The rustling in the crowd was immediate.

“The Corybooker!”

“The Elizabethwarren!”

“The Kirstengilibrand!”

“Okay, okay. That’s enough.”

But the dino tide was rolling.

“The Betoorourke!”

“The Juliancastro!”

“The Jayinslee!”

“The who?! Hah, and you call yourself leaders?”

“The Joebiden.”

Ooh. That’s bad. The Williambarr slumped back into his squat.

“Okay, Maizie. Lay it on me.”

The Maiziehirono came high and hard.

“Do you think it’s okay for the T-Rump to offer pardons to dinos who don’t testify against him, to threaten the family of a dino who does? Is that okay?”

“Uh … what … when did he offer … uh, a pardon to some dino in order to …”


“What do you mean please?”

“It comes right before thank you, dummy. Give us some credit for knowing what the hell is going on around here.”

“F-bomb!” shouted the Linseygraham. “You’ve slandered this dino from top to bottom! F-bomb! F-bomb! F-bomb! Whew. I’m wearing my integrity out. Now do I have your attention? Because for me this is definitely over. I’m in overtime now. Do you get what I’m saying? W-a-a-a-a-y over into a place I don’t even want to tell y’all about. Because it scares me. … Ahem. The Thomtillis. Over to you, brother. Help me help you.”

The Thomtillis peered down at the Williambarr as one might a newborn dino in a rocky crib.

“Dear sweet attorney dino general. Is your rock comfy enough? Can I get you a little drink of dietcoker?”

“I’m fine.”

“Any aching joints I can massage? You’ve been squatting quite awhile now.”

“Well, I don’t know if I should be prostrate … or if it’s just my prostate.”

“I won’t pester you with any more questions. You can use my remaining four minutes to just think happy thoughts. Don’t you worry about those Russodinos. It’s all just a bad dream.”

“Thank you.”

Four agonizing minutes passed and it was the Kamalaharris’ turn.

“Tell me, attorney dino general. Did you even look at the evidence before rendering your decision?”


“I believe that to be absolutely enlightening — and deeply troubling to the entire dino nation.”

“I’m not in the business of determining when lies are being told to the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“Well, you should be because that’s who you work for! … Now then, did the Oval Dwelling or the T-Rump ask you to open an investigation on any dino? Just one. Any time. Any where. Any dino. Yes or no?”

“Could you repeat the question? An octave higher. It, uh … might register.”

She repeated the question, ignoring the octave request.

“Umm, the T-Rump or any other dino?”

“Oh, I get it. You’re an attorney dino general look-alike. Very convincing. … But seriously, it seems you’d remember something like that and be able to tell us.”

“Yeah, but I’m trying to grapple with the word ‘suggest,’ … There have been discussions of matters out there that they have not asked me to open an investigation, but –”

“I was not asked to do a billion things yesterday, attorney dino general. Perhaps they suggested … hinted?”

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t say suggest. I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language for it. So, why guess? That and I don’t want to perjure myself. I’m taking a huge chance just by opening my mouth.”

“And your time is up,” said the Linseygraham. “S-o-o-o-o close, Kamala. Better luck next time. That was some masterful hair-splitting, attorney dino general. Please, if you don’t mind, could you regale us with some more of your outstanding obfuscation.”

“Well, I found the Muellersavus’s footprints in the sand to me to be snitty. Put there probably by some staffer with big feet. I am considering adding snitty to hate speech.”

“Snitty, huh? That does sound criminal. Then it must be. We’ll have to launch an investigation. The staffer as an accomplice. This is right up there with the Peterstrzok and the Lisapage. You should get the word out as well to the Foxsquawkbox. The Seanhannity is down to attacking the Bruceohr again. He needs new fodder.”

“Of course. I just find this whole thing sort of mind-bendingly bizarre.”

“You have been under extreme pressure.”

“I don’t know how this happened,” said the Willliambarr. “The Muellersavus has been my baby.”

“Uh, you mean his report is now your baby.”

“No, no. I’m his boss. He’s my baby.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y. You did say mind-bendingly bizarre. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off. And tomorrow too. You’ve earned it. Okay, everyone. That’s it. You can all go home. Hey, it really is over. For once, I’m right.”

The Linseygraham and his fellow Grandoldparty Sin Hutters quickly slipped out side exits to avoid probing questions from the Mediacircustops. They didn’t notice the Comeyonus standing at the main entrance, reciting over and over his mantra for the masses …

“Accomplished dinos lacking inner strength can’t resist the compromises necessary to survive the T-Rump and that adds up to something they will never recover from. It takes character to avoid the damage because the T-Rump eats your soul in small bites.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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