Satire The T-Rump Dig

Principle on Patrol …

“This one’s got no bite. Here, see?”
The Jerrynadler held open the jaws of the young Subpoenasaurus. The Williambarr peered in.
“No teeth alright. Excellent. Just the one for me.”
“Not so fast,” said the Jerrynadler. “I’m responsible for your Subpoenasaurus, remember? And I have just the one in mind.”

“This one’s got no bite. Here, see?”

The Jerrynadler held open the jaws of the young Subpoenasaurus. The Williambarr peered in.

“No teeth alright. Excellent. Just the one for me.”

“Not so fast,” said the Jerrynadler.I’m responsible for your Subpoenasaurus, remember? And I have just the one in mind.”

He pointed to a large Subpoenasaurus on the other side of the pen. Huge in stature, the dino had a solid frame beginning with a rock-solid foundation. His firm gaze and fair hand was a constant, steady balance of truth and justice. It was his muscle however, that swayed public opinion. One did not mess around with a Subpoenasaurus. The Jerrynadler waved to the magnificent mammal.

“Pop! Come on over here.”

The duty-bound dino approached them.

“Pop?” said the Williambarr. “That’s a strange name for a Subpoenasaurus.”

“P-O-P. Principle on Patrol. He’s a beast of burden. Of proof. Aren’t you, Pop?” The Jerrynadler clapped him good-naturedly on the back. “Proof is just what we need, isn’t it, Bill?”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. That’s the reason I’m here.”

“Would you give us a minute?” the Jerrynadler asked Pop.

“Funny, the Elijahcummings said the same thing.”

“Don’t go too far. The Williambarr will be your next bone of contention.”

The Subpoenasaurus found a nearby shrub of Malaise. He munched on it greedily, confidently.

The Williambarr bristled.

“His bone of contention?! Are you kidding me? We may be carnivores, Jerry, but this is abusive and illogical behaviour.”

“What are you trying to say, Bill?”

The Williambarr snuck a peek at the Subpoenasaurus.

“Between you an me, Pop can go hop on some other dino.”

“You don’t want to bluff with Pop. He’s not just any Subpoenasaurus. He will use any means necessary.”


“Sorry, I’m not at liberty to divulge his methods. You’ll just have to scream long and loud into the night conjuring up your own images of demented torture.”

“Damn you, Jerry. You know I’m a light sleeper. Maybe we can work something out.”

“I’m listening.”

“This questioning format. Particularly the second round of questions. Half an hour of questions, from legal dinos no less! They’re smarter than your average Kongrus Kave dino. They may pry, Jerry. I hate it when they pry.”

“Bill, you are not going to dictate the format of my committee. I expect to see the full, unredacted report.”

“Impossible. I will release a less-redacted report and … I only want a select few dinos to see it.”

“Select few? Like who?”

“Relatives. Friends. And neighbors. My neighbors could see it.”

“That’s crazy, Bill.”

“Okay, okay. You read my poker face, didn’t you? Neighbors was negotiable. But friends, Jerry. That’s on you.”

“Do you have any left? Bill, there is one thing you said though, that has me scratching my head.”  

“Oh, you mean when I said I’m not a fact witness?”

“What does that even mean?”

“I have no idea. But I’m getting great traction out of it. Now I can say anything about the Muellersavus report and dinos believe me! Isn’t that great?”

“Uh. No.”

“Face it, Jerry, I’ve shown nothing but transparency and good faith.”

“Excuse me? Transparency and good faith? Like when you grossly mischaracterized the Muellersavus’ findings? Or when you raised suspicions by not prosecuting the T-Rump when the Muellersavus left evidence piled under your nose like a T-Rump dump? Or your blantantly bogus meeting 90 minutes before the report came out so you could put your cozy, toady T-Rump spin on it one last time? Have you no shame? You’re the attorney dino general for crying out loud! Act like it!”

“Oh, I am alright. And you can tell Pop over there to take a hike. Sleepless nights or not. No Subpoenasaurus. No sirree.”

Just then a pair of dinos came trudging into view. It was the Linseygraham and the Jimjordan, who appeared to be laboring, leaning heavily on the Linseygraham as they made their way along the path. They finally arrived beside the two dinos. The Jerrynadler looked at the Linseygraham.

“What happened to him?”

“The worst luck. Ol’ Jimmy here was struck by lightning. Twice! And now he, he’s just plain delirious. Listen to him.”

The Jimjordan shook his head and cleared his throat.

“I – I’ve been thinking. Just recently. Like my mind has been cleaned out. A fresh slate. With the smell of fried, frayed nerve endings. But fresh ideas. Yes! Like the Carlkline and all those security clearances. Hey! Is that a Subpoenasaurus over there?!”

“Yes it is,” said the Williambarr. “Try and stay calm, Jim.”

“No! I won’t be calm. I think that lightning wanted me to say something. It hit me twice, remember? I get the picture. Like the spots inside my eyelids. No Subpoenasaurus for the Carlkline. Let him speak. Let him spill his guts.” He burped. “Speaking of which. Linsey? That tree over there. I need to …”

“Say no more, little buddy.”

The Linseygraham helped him to yonder tree where the Jimjordan proceeded to leave his lunch. His fellow Grandoldparty dino consoled him.

“There, there, little buddy. Get all that nasty Donkeykongrus stuff out of your system.”

Never one to miss an opportunity, the Jerrynadler turned to the Williambarr.

“Not exactly what you and I were talking about, but I’ll take it. Now then, I’d like to have the Muellersavus come in and testify before the committee.”

“Over my dead body!” the Linseygraham hollered from afar. “I do not want to hear from the Muellersavus. Are you kidding me? It would be too much of a circus!”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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