Satire The Trump Dig

The Grifter Dinner …

The Tyrumposaurus stood at the makeshift rockpile podium and smiled his best cheesy grin. He looked out at the dozens of Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir faces staring back at him with expectant, calm-before-the-storm expressions. …

The Tyrumposaurus stood at the makeshift, rockpile podium, smiled and winced his best cheesy grin. He looked out at the dozens of Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir dino faces staring back at him with their expectant, calm-before-the-storm expressions. It was the Grifter Dinner, an annual dinner roast with political rivals and the Mediacircustops trading burps, barbs and business.

“Where’s the Hopehicksbagotrix?” the T-Rump asked, throwing his hands up in the air. “Pursuing another job opportunity? Not very likely. Off chasing another new dino around the Oval Dwelling watering hole? Nope. The truth is, after my flings with the Stormydaniels and the Karenmcdougal — what I call a double dino weekend — well, the Tymelania decided that Hope was getting too close. … Gone. Don’t you just love jealousy? It saved my marriage.”

The Muellersavus found a place to squat near the back of the gathering. The T-Rump picked him out immediately.

“You know, sometimes I miss the Comeyonus. It’s too bad he couldn’t be here. I think I’ll hire him back next week. What position? I don’t know. I’ll just ask him what part of chaos would he like to control? … I’ll have him for supper. I mean, over for supper. I’ll have some Saintpetersburgers dragged in from the Moscovian Bluffs.”

The T-Rump chuckled.

“I know he doesn’t like Saintpetersburgers. When he refuses to eat? I’ll fire him again! Because it’s all about Russia.”

“Of course I wouldn’t be here without moolah-moolah leaves — I mean, the Huckabeecyclops. She is the best liar! Remember I said I could kill a dino in the Timesquare and get away with it? Today she could spin that like … like I came across a horde of homeless dinos and treated them all to a night out. She’s an amazing dino. Crazy eye and all.”

The T-Rump smiled at his son in the front row. The T-Rump Jr. promptly beamed back.

“Who could forget my son? I try to see him once a week. Stand up and take a bow, T-Rump Jr. … Okay, you can sit down now. It’s my night. … This might be a good time to let the world know, I’m planning on changing your name, son. … Yes, it will be tougher for the Muellersavus to trace your transactions back to me. Strictly business, you know.”

The Kushneratops and the Tyvankanatrix sat beside the T-Rump Jr. They looked nervously at the T-Rump. He winked at them.

“The Kushneratop and my lovely daughter, the Tyvankanatrix. I love having them both around. Until they open their mouths. This morning I okayed the Kushneratops new security clearance. He’s now allowed to go into Reservoir up to his knees.

The T-Rump shaded his eyes with a hand, gazing out at the crowd.

“Where’s the Sessionsopossum? … Did he recuse himself from this too? No matter. I’ve put a new law in place. I’m extending the Sessionsopossum season by two months. What the heck. Let’s make it year-round. If any of you dinos manage to track down the A.G., have at him.”

“Finally, I know the big question in the room, the one you’re all dying to ask, the one that the Huckabeecyclops has done a brilliant job lying about … the one I’m now going to finally put to rest. That question of course is, why don’t I ever say anything bad about the Putinodon? Well, alright. Here goes …”

Every dinosaur edged forward in their squatting position.

“The Putinodon couldn’t be here tonight. That makes me mad. He gave me some story about having to take a rain check because he was too busy training another 500 dinosaurs to meddle in the midterm battles. It’s upsetting, but we have to believe him. Wait, there’s more. I’m just getting started.”

“Putinodon, if you’re listening, why did I have to wait for so long to get the secrets you stole from the Donkeykongrus? How much longer do you really expect me to restrain the Sanctionsaurus? I need to know. Also, you are behind in your payments to the Kushneratops for the Devil’s Den. You know, 666? And finally, I have come to visit you five times to set up shop in the Moscovian Bluffs and you have rebuffed me each and every time. I’m really working hard at this but I can only feel like you’re pulling away.”

The T-Rump paused to take in the wide eyes and gaping mouths of the audience.

“There. I sure told him. Are you satisfied?”

There was movement at his side. The T-Rump turned and saw the Muellersavus.

“Let’s go,” growled the Langleytips senior dino. “Now.”

“What? What are you doing?”

The Muellersavus wrapped his long arms around the Trumpassic leader and led him away, the T-Rump’s short arms flailing in the air.

“I was joking! It was all a joke! You’ve gotta believe me!”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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