The Tyrumposaurus was brimming with enthusiasm as he gripped the edge of the flat rock lectern for today’s Coronavirus briefing before the acceptably socially-distanced Mediacircustops.
“Hello. How are my ratings so far? Sit tight. They’ll be even better in a minute. Because I bring good news to this … this … thing. This silent killer. We need to get our dino daily lives back up and running. That’s why I have set up another Coronavirus committee … what are we up to now, about 8? I’m calling it the Great Get Off Your Butt and Make Dino Nation Great Again Group. More of my best and brightest. That’s why I’ve named the Stephenmoore as the leader of this group. Stephen, can you come over and say a few words for us?”
The Stephenmoore shuffled meekly to the lectern.
“Hello. Heh-heh. Thank you, T-Rump. Heh-heh. Thank you for naming me to this post. Thank you also for trying to get me named to the Big Dino Moolah-Moolah Board before. Even though it didn’t quite work out. Heh-heh. I think it was because of my nervous laugh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. As leader of the Great Get Off Your Butt and Make Dino Nation Great Again Group, heh-heh, I love that name, we need to make some real decisions here … heh-heh … before the Milkanhoney Preservation falls off into a catastrophic calamity of Great Depression proportions, where our dino way of life will be corpses gathering dust in the wind. Heh-heh. I think that got your attention. Heh-heh. Because we need to get back to our normal dino way of life, starting, like tomorrow. Heh-heh. Thankfully, heh-heh, I have a five-point plan.”
He shuffled his feet for emphasis.
“First off, we need to praise the T-Rump profusely. Because that’s the way to stay on his good side. I should know. Heh-heh. Secondly, everybody needs to get back in the pool. Any pool will do. Make a splash. Heh-heh. Third, absolutely, positively no sneezing. Period. Our fourth point. Look, we’ve been pretty unlucky thus far — geez 32,000 dino deaths — so always, always, always keep your fingers crossed. And finally, the fifth and most important point of our plan is to try to stay healthy because face it, heh-heh … there simply isn’t enough testing to go around. I’ll take one or two questions now, heh-heh. No tough ones, okay? Heh-heh.”
“That’s a plan?” It was the Jimacosta in the front row. “You’re going to get us all killed.”
“Oh, no. I wouldn’t … heh-heh … say ‘all.’ There may be some. But we’re looking at social chaos already. I did mention calamity. Heh-heh. Chaos, death? Not a pretty picture. Heh-heh. These are tough times we live in. But I’m a leader now. Heh-heh.”
“Please tell us some other dinos — any dino — is advising you on this?”
“Well, heh-heh … I listen to a lot of dinos. Pretty much those who will listen to me. Heh-heh. The Gregabbott of Tinstar Texas is a great sounding board. Don’t pay attention to that Andrewcuomo, though. He’s all doom and gloom. Boom goes the gloom. Heh-heh.”
The Jimacosta was visibly stunned.
“So, let me get this straight. You’re putting profit over health?”
“Here we go, here we go. That’s a false dichotomy. Just plain false. Ohmigosh. Greed and profits ahead of dino life. No, no, no. You might want to look at Zona-Cactus. I’ll bet two-thirds of that region doesn’t have one sick dino. Let’s start with Zona-Cactus, okay? What do we have to lose? Heh-heh.”
“But, but, this is a communicable disease that isn’t spreading like wildfire only because we’re staying in our caves. Your five-point plan sounds like a wing and a prayer. Is that all you have?”
“I’m glad you asked that. Heh-heh. No, it’s not all. I also have a song that I’m sure — okay, I’m hoping — heh-heh … that will get Dino Nation up and going. Hit it, boys!
Everyone’s stirring, got cabin fever too
Everyone calls it the flu, oh
Everyone’s wondering why they’re at home tonight
Everyone’s waiting for the green light, the green light
Everybody’s working by the weekend
Everybody needs a cash advance
Everybody who just lost a dear friend
Everybody takes a second chance, oh
You wanna piece of my heart?
In case yours doesn’t restart
You wanna see the spread slow?
C’mon, baby, who knows?
Everyone’s thinking about what they should do
Everyone doesn’t have a clue
Everyone’s hoping that they don’t check out
Everyone’s praying they just get gout.
Everybody’s working by the weekend
Everybody wants a cash advance, hell ya!
Everybody who just lost a dear friend
Everybody takes a second chance, oh
You wanna piece of my heart?
In case yours doesn’t restart
You wanna see the spread slow?
C’mon, baby, who knows?
Hey! Back up, man. 6 feet!
You wanna piece of my heart?
In case yours doesn’t restart
You wanna see the spread slow?
C’mon, baby, who knows?
You wanna piece of my heart?
In case yours doesn’t restart
You wanna see the spread slow?
C’mon, baby, who knows?
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 