Satire The Trump Dig

Captainobvious: Is this Obstruction?

He was a gangly, lanky dinosaur with a bold, inquisitive stare and a penchant for asking dinos about things clearly apparent. He was the Captainobvious. Walking home through the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir one afternoon after playing a neighbourly game of Catch Me, I’m Slow, his nostrils picked up a new, nauseating low in the stench level of the cesspool, giving him pause for thought and a chance to gasp for fresh air.

Beside the trail, he noticed a sign-up footprint in the sand for stumbling, bumbling dinos with their noses pressed to the ground. He read the footprint acronym. P-U-S-S-Y. Hmm. Does PUSSY stand for Pathetic Undying Support Sycophant Yesdinos? His curiosity was interrupted with the pounding, plodding sound of another dino coming up the path behind him. Great. Someone to chat with as he continued on his way home.

The Captainobvious squinted at the approaching dino. Could it be? Why, yes. It was none other than the Tyrumposaurus’ arch-nemesis, the Muellersavus.

“Hello, Bob. You must be finishing another day of investigation without suffering one teeny, tiny information leak.”

No answer from the tight-lipped Muellersavus, his eyes unwavering, staring straight ahead.

“Would this be a bad time to discuss your investigation?”

Not a peep.

“Are you a selective mute? … No, of course not. Anyway, I’m having a Leg of Legosaurus brunch next week and was wondering if you’d help me with some simple ice-breakers. You know, innocuous conversation?”

The Muellersavus remained silent, his eyes searching the path for an exit ramp. Unfortunately it was a one-way path with a cliff on one side and bubbling lava pits on the other. He was doomed.

“So,” the Captainobvious continued, “if I have this correct, the Comenyonus wouldn’t let the Flynnhasbeen thing go, then two days after the Comeyonus was let go, the T-Rump told the Lesterholt that it was ‘this Russodino thing’ that upset the T-Rump. I don’t know about you, but I think the T-Rump fired the Comeyonus.”

The Muellersavus thought about taking his chances with a cliff dive.

“Bob, was the T-Rump waiting for the last drop of blood to be licked up from the November battle before canning the Sessionsopossum? It happened kind of quickly. The Sessionsopossum was the first dino with a heartbeat to get behind him. I can think of a better way of saying thank you.”

I’d thank you to make a hard left into a lava pit, thought the Muellersavus. He considered giving him a gentle nudge.

“And the Mattwhitaker didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t. If there’s one thing the Mattwhitaker knows, well … maybe one day you can find it. But what about the Andymccabe? After twenty years of dedicated service to the Langleyops, the T-Rump has him fired the day before he was to receive his pension. That was probably a little humiliating.”

The two dinos trudged on, the Muellersavus doggedly, the Captainobvious obviously.

“The Mediacircustops tells us that the T-Rump spent 330 days or 43% of his time as ruler of the Milkanhoney Preservation attacking your investigation of collusion with the Russodinos. Over 1100 attacks. That’s a trend. Are you going to include the 61 times the T-Rump defended the Putinodon and the Russodinos in your report? Because you may be onto something.”

The Muelleravus’ pace quickened. The Captainobvious took a couple of deep breaths to try and keep up.

“I almost forgot, isn’t your report coming out soon? The attorney general dino might want to take a look at that. If the Williambarr or the Mattwhitaker coaxed you into finishing your report a little more quickly, I think it was probably the Mattwhitaker. That’s one reason the T-Rump hired him, y’know.”