Satire The Trump Dig

Trophy Time! …

The Tyrumposaurus stared down into the dim, dull waters of the stagnant Morongene Pool. The burning question escaped his lips.

“Mirror, mirror, at my feet. Who’s the last I need to beat?”

Alas, the Tyrumposaurus was not alone. Unseen a short distance away, the globe-trotting Christyamanpour, Sub Family of the Mediacircustops, was munching away on a magnolia shrub. She stopped in mid-munch, a story idea born.

Within the hour, a very animated discussion broke out between the most popular Mediacircustops types. That is, the debonair Andersoncooper, the grizzly Wolfblitzer and the always affable Paulbegala. The Andersoncooper began the dinosaur dialogue.

“The T-Rump raises an interesting question. Who then, is the most dishonest and corrupt leader … a leader the T-Rump aspires so badly to be? I’m going to reach across the savannah of savage beasts and open the bidding with the Hitleraptor.”

The Wolfblitzer and the Paulbegala both nodded matter-of-factly. There would be no short-armed punches pulled in this debate.

“The Hitleraptor,” continued the Andersoncooper, “used countless scapegoats to blame for his followers’ hardships. He started the Second Dinosaur War by invading the Poh Lands. Let’s not forget the Hollow Caustic genocide where 6 million dinosaurs died. It’s friggin’ scary. On that note, over to you, Wolf.”

The Wolfblitzer cleared his throat by coughing up prehistoric replicas of a hedgehog, dachshund and a calico cat.

“Thank you, Anderson. You’ve made some valid points, but I’m sure dinosaurs everywhere would be hard pressed to name a more oppressive leader than the Stalinator. You mentioned millions. Let’s not forget, during the Great Famine of ‘32, 4 million dinosaurs starved to death. In the Great Purge, millions were exiled, imprisoned or put to death, including the Leontrotsky, the Nicholaiyezhov and the Sergeykirov. Paul?”

The Paulbegala was chomping at the bit, his grin quickly overtaking his cheeks.

“You two are falling asleep in Ancient History class. Today’s most despicable dinosaur has to be the Putinodon. Just look at the quadruple attacks at the Hexogen Ruins 18 years ago. He killed 300 of his own dinosaurs … then used that shock and awe to take the stage as a fake hero. On that pretense, he attacked the innocent Fetchachechens the very next day. It was all a wickedly nefarious plan to propel himself to power in a matter of weeks. But wait, it gets better. Mediacircustops that didn’t speak nicely of him were thrown in the Solitary Sinkhole. And oh, by the way, he’s running roughshod over the poor dinos in the Crimean Pristine as we speak. Bye-bye freedom. Yes, the Putinodon controls everything but Ol’ Not-So-Faithful.

The Paulbegala was referring to the semi-active volcano in the Yellowstone Region.

“Funny you should say that,” said the Andersoncooper, “because the trophy we have for the winner — post-dinosaurus or not — was created at the edge of that volcano. The intense heat from Ol’ Not-So-Faithful’s latest eruption baked an impressive pile of Diplodocus droppings into, well … an impressive pile of Diplodocus droppings.”

The three veteran Mediacircustops paused to admire the award. They turned to each other and nodded knowingly. No further explanation was necessary.

“Well then,” said the Wolfblitzer, “it appears to be unanimous. The winner of the Fake Leader Trophy is … the T-Rump.”

The Paulbegala chuckled.

“Wear it well, T-Rump. Wear it well.”