The CPAC venue buzzed with half-truths, hyperbole and dinosaur gas lighting that would make you faint. The raucous rhetoric left many a dino wondering what the Grandoldparty strategy even was. And so began the annual Captive Puppets Anonymous Conference. With a devilish smirk and flick of his slick orange tail, the Tyrumposaurus shuffled onto the rock slab stage.
“Greetings, my fellow right-wing, isolationist, nationalist dino hardliners. Now I know last week was an epically bad one. But look at the bright side. At least the Muellersavus didn’t release his footprints in the sand. Not that I’m worried about that. You all know I can talk my way out of anything, right?
“Anything you say, T-Rump!” one leather lung shouted back.
“So now we’re waiting for these footprints in the sand and then we’ll find out who we’re dealing with. I’ll tell you. Dinos that weren’t even elected. They can’t be trusted. Sure I picked them. Never happen again because the answer is right in front of me.”
“You mean … us?” said one slack-jawed dino.
“No. Nepotism. Because you can’t pick them. They’re family. But back to the problem. So you put the wrong dinos in a couple of positions, they shouldn’t be there and … BOOM! … they’re trying to take you out with bull crap! Bull crappity, crap-crap! That felt good. Bull crap crap bull crap. Now then, where was I?”
“Uh … the Muellersavus?” came a voice from the crowd.
“Right. So the Muellersavus is running around totally unchecked, his dinos are stacked against me. They’re the 13 angriest dinos in the history of the Trumpassic Period. Are you sure none of them was involved with the Crookadillary Foundation? Because I’m saying I think one of them was running it. Why? Because I said so. Another one, I can’t say who, but I’ll tell you this dino has the worst reputation of any dino in this period. Period. He’s a killer. Oh, he may be a herbivore but he’s a killer.”
“But you know whose fault this really is? Of course you do, my captive audience. Whose fault is it?!”
“The Sessionsopossum! Why did he recuse himself?!” the crowd roared back as one. “Why the hell didn’t he tell you?!”
“Exactly. Because the Langleyops have it out for me. They hate me. It used to be called obstruction. Except we know what they call it now, don’t we?”
“Ob-Trump-shun!” the dinos hollered back.
“I can’t do anything without the Mediacircustops screaming, Ob-Trump-shun! … It doesn’t help that the Muellersavus and the Comeyonus are best friends. Oh, sure, the Comeyonus says he and the Muellersavus are not. But seriously. Who’s going to know better who the Comeyonus’ best friends are? Me or the Comeyonus?
“You, T-Rump!” the crowd shouted back.
“Thank you, my poor, put-upon puppets. In fact, I remember it all now as if it happened yesterday. I was with the Tymelania and I said, Tymelania, I’m doing something today. And she told me, you don’t have to rub it in. And I said, no, really, I’m going to do it. She heard me. She just said, be best. So I fired the Comeyonus because that’s the best I could do.”
“Speaking of best, this week I just completed the T-T-T. That’s the T-Rump Tyrant Trifecta.”
“O-o-o-o-o-h, A-a-a-a-a-h,” came the chorus from the crowd.
“I threw my Langleyops under the Priebusunderbus three times before three great leaders. The mighty Putinodon in Smelstinki, the crown prince dino regarding the Khashoggi affair and finally the Kimjongadon regarding the Ottowarmbier. They were all horrible decisions, but I came out on the right side on all of them. Thank you.”
“Way to go, T-Rump!” the crowd cheered.
“I have the Mikepompeo out there now, telling every dino that Pingpong North was not a stalemate. I actually let the Kimjongadon win. Like when I stay at home in the cave on the weekend with the Tymelania instead of going out.”
A wave of sympathy swept over the crowd at this perceived injustice. The T-Rump continued for another hour, going on about the authorities requesting evidence from his son and the Weisselberg about his family business, about the T-Rump’s role in not forcing through Kushneratops’ security clearance when he had every right to and how the T-Rump would be stomping down with his first veto to save the Great Tex-Mex Divide because even though most dinos didn’t think it was a national emergency, it most certainly was.
It was a groundswell of support that only picked up speed when the T-Rump promised more good news.
“I’m going to promote free speech at every dino place of higher learning. Except of course, for the Mediacircustops.”
There was bedlam. Dinos danced in the aisles. Visions of greed and grandeur raced around their walnuts, making them giddy. So much so, the T-Rump Jr. jumped atop a rock ledge, wildly waving his short arms.
“Let them see the Muellersavus footprints in the sand! We don’t care! Let them see all of it!”
The T-Rump frowned. Damn nepotism.
David Belisle 