The Mattwhitaker looked up, surprised at the sight of his mock hearing dino coach, the Rudygiuliani.
“I thought the Jaysekulow was going to prep me.”
“Change of plans. Since the only hope we have of winning this thing is in the court of public opinion, we need to break out our best P.R. weapons. And since the Huckabeecyclops and the Kellyanneconvixway don’t want to be within dripping distance of you, that leaves me.”
He laughed giddily.
“I – I don’t know what to say” said the awed Mattwhitaker, his sweat glands already in fine, free-flowing form.
“That’s not what I wanted to hear. But don’t worry, relax that tail. We’ll be here all night if we have to.”
The Rudygiuliani would be grilling the Mattwhitaker on potential questions the Jerrynadler and his Donkeykongrus tail-waggers might ask the following day of the acting attorney general dino regarding conversations he had with the Oval Dwelling about the Muellersavus investigation.
The Rudygiuliani wrung his hands like he was clutching a small gila monster by the neck.
“Okay, let’s start from the beginning. So you sit down in the Oval Dwelling, the T-Rump has absolutely no idea what you’re going to say and you tell him …”
“I’m glad to be there because I want to protect him from the Muellersavus.”
“No!”
“I tell him about all the bad things the Muellersavus can do to him and then how I plan to save him.”
“No!”
“I don’t understand. The T-Rump fired the Sessionsoppossum because he recused himself so I’m not doing that. … I know. Remember when the Brettkavanaugh asked the same question back of the Amyklovachar, if she ever blacked out? I’ll do that. Did you blackout?”
“No, Good god, no.”
“But it worked for him. He’s a supreme court dino now.”
The Jaysekulow poked his head in.
“How’s it going?”
“Dead in the water. He’ll never be ready.”
“But he has to be. The Jerrynadler has a Subpoenasaurus ready to drag him into the hearing.
The Rudygiuliani snapped.
“A Subpoenasaurus! But we haven’t even declined yet! They’re just turning this into a public spectacle!”
“I really don’t mind the face time,” said the Mattwhitaker. “That’s how I got here. I think.”
“Quiet,” said the Jaysekelow. “Can’t you see real minds at work? The Jerrynadler said that sending a Subpoenasaurus for you was necessary because you failed to tell the committee whether we would invoke privilege with respect to the questions they intend to ask about your conversations with the T-Rump about the Muellersavus probe and your decision not to recuse himself from the matter.”
The Mattwhitaker marveled at how a legal dino could speak that long without stumbling.
“Invoking privilege, huh?” said the Rudygiuliani. He turned to the Mattwhitaker. “You feel privileged, kid?”
“In Iowa?”
Rudy brightened.
“Wait a minute, that’s it! We can’t put him out there so, maybe he won’t testify if they’re going to release the Subpoenasaurus on us.”
“Hey!” said the Mattwhitaker. “I spent all this time preparing for nothing?”
“Okay,” said the Rudygiuliani, “so you now know what a Subpoenasaurus is. Whoopee.”
The Jaysekulow shook his head.
“You’ve got to be kidding, Rudy. We cannot do this. If he’s not going to recuse himself, he has to appear. Every dino will know he’s hiding something as soon as he dodges the first question. If he fights the Subpoenasaurus, he’ll be torn to shreds. Face it, the Subpoenasaurus isn’t even necessary if he simply answers the questions.”
“Jay, Jay, Jay. This has always been about delay, delay, delay. We just have to drag this out for another week. Then the Williambarr is confirmed and we can dirt this dino down the Dust Belt.”
“I heard that!”
“Good,” the two legal dinos said together, turning slowly to eyeball him. The acting A.G. grew nervous.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“It’s all part of the master plan,” said the Jaysekulow.
“Ahem, the new master plan,” corrected the Rudygiuliani. “We want you as nervous, as anxious as possible when you speak. We figure with your copious sweat glands in overdrive, no one will remember a word!”
David Belisle 