Satire The Trump Dig

Slick Nick …

The Tyrumposaurus looked at the cool, confident Nickayers squatting across from him and grinned. Fresh meat in the swamp soup. There were glaring holes to fill in T-Rump’s Oval Dwelling staff but he’d never let that bother him. …

The Tyrumposaurus looked at the cool, confident Nickayers squatting across from him and grinned. Fresh meat for the swamp soup. There were glaring holes to fill in T-Rump’s Oval Dwelling staff but he’d never let that bother him. His gut, namely any form of indigestion, was his best indicator as to how the wind was blowing. Plus his favorite dino staffing rule. Always get one last kick in the exiting dino’s can.

The departure of the Marinegunkelly as chief of staff had been sweet. The T-Rump had led Kelly to believe he’d be able to inform his dinos privately on Monday about his exit. Except the T-Rump upstaged him by blurting it out to the Mediacircustops two days prior. A snicker from the T-Rump. Only he could make a resignation seem like a firing. He loved firing staff. Disposing of them like plants, once-ripe, now shriveled weeds, their life sucked out, reclining, disappearing back into the swamp. Ruined, ridiculed, dead to his world.

Focus, T-Rump. He squared his eyes back  upon the Nickayers, the latest dino tabbed for Kelly’s vacant spot. The dino upstart still looked wet behind the ears. Or was that Raptor blood? He apparently had a solid pedigree, not that the T-Rump put any stock in that. It was all about loyalty. And fawning praise. The Mincepencenow was good at that. Hopefully it had rubbed off on the Nickayers, who’d been the Mincepencenow’s own chief of staff. The T-Rump hadn’t given the dino heist a second thought. It was all about him.

“So, who did you vote for?”

“I’m sorry, T-Rump. I’m not at liberty to tell you that.”

“Do you hate the Comeyonus? The Peterstrzok? The lovely Lisapage? Come now, you can tell me.”

“Again, I’m afraid you can’t ask me that.”

“We’re not exactly getting off on the right foot here. You’re not going to go Saveyourenergyrex on me, are you? Telling me I’d be breaking the law by doing this or that? I didn’t bring you in here to advance your career, y’know.”

“Sure thing, T-Rump.”

“Alright then. So, old lazy bones, dumb-as-a-rock number 2, the Marinegunkelly will be around for another couple of weeks. This gives you a chance to ease in and do your chief of staff shtick, not that it’s really going to change things around here. I’m told your position is fairly important. Important that you stay out of my way. Okay?”


“Good. I hate confrontation. So when I fire you it will probably be by a Trollertweety message some other dino informs you about.”

The Nickayers nodded, doing his best to conceal a smirk. The rumors of “Jesus, take the wheel” were true. It was scarier. He thought of his wife and three young dino tots.

“Okay, then,” said the T-Rump. “Show me what ya got.”

“Well, T-Rump. It appears the Muellersavus is ready to roar on five issues the Manaforta lied about.”

“So we lie in turn. To keep all the lies straight.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of lying?”

“I lie like a Bastardosaurus. It lowers my blood pressure.”

“So,” said the Nickayers, “Let’s tell them we read the footprints in the sand.”

“Wait. I don’t read.”

“I said ‘we.’ … You tell them we read about the Manaforta’s actions with the Kilimnik and his role in the obstruction and … we’re very happy.”

“Very happy?”

Very happy. Never let’em see you sweat. Then, regarding the Manaforta’s payment to other dinos under investigation … you tell them we’re jumping for joy.”

“O-k-a-y. I think I know where this is going.”

“For Manaforta contacting your own dinos after he was charged …”

The T-Rump clapped his hands.

“I know. We’re ecstatic.”

“That’s it. And for the Manaforta lying about a completely different investigation?”

“Over the moon. We’re over the moon. I like your style, Nick. Reminds me of when I was younger.”

“Why, thank you.”

“Why don’t you go get me a Dietcoker? And get one for yourself while you’re at it.”

“Uh, I don’t drink Dietcoker.”

“You don’t? Well, I guess that’s it then. Nick, you’re fired.”

“But you didn’t even hire me yet.”

“It’s your word against mine. Bye-bye.”

The Nickayers rose from his squat and headed for the doorway. That was too easy he thought. What a maroon.

Seconds later, the T-Rump stood alone, reveling in his latest staffing conquest. Another one bites the dust. Speaking of dust, he could see and smell it wafting into the cave from outside Accompanied by … what was that? Laughter?

Outside the Oval Dwelling, the Marinegunkelly was rolling on the ground to and fro, laughing uproariously at the T-Rump’s latest move blowing up in his face.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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