Satire The Trump Dig

Manaforta Math and More …

The Trumpassic Period Grade Seven dino teacher, the old, decrepit Black Boardbarker, spoke in the bored, nasal monotone symptomatic of IBS — Instructional Burnout Syndrome. …


The Trumpassic Period Grade Seven dino teacher, the old, decrepit Black Boardbarker, spoke in the bored, nasal monotone symptomatic of IBS — Instructional Burnout Syndrome. This had been brought on by expanded class sizes and curriculum being combined to cut costs. The Black Boardbarker was now teaching Social Studies and Math to a class of 48 young dinos thanks to sweeping reforms by the Betsydevos, the T-Rump’s educational go-to-gal. Some dinos wondered aloud if she’d seen an educational setting in 30 years. The Betsydevos seemed more intent these days on tracking down her 10 Longyachts who often strayed from home.

The Black Boardbarker gave her grade sevens the hairy eyeball.  

“Alright then, class. Joey! Stop playing with Sally’s tail. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“Let’s go over your Math homework from yesterday. We were working on our Manaforta Trial word problems. Billy, the Russodinos gave Manaforta 75 million moolah-moolah leaves to clean and he kept 60 million. What percentage did he give to his partner in crime, the Rickyprisongates?”

“20 percent?”

“Very good, Billy. … Okay, who am I going to pick on now? … Rebeccah, the Manaforta has 14 different river banks on which to wash his 75 million moolah-moolah leaves and the Putinodon wants him to wash twice as much moolah-moolah in three of those places — because of certain corrupt Russodino connections. How much moolah-moolah does he wash at each of those three places?”

“8-point-8 million moolah-moolah leaves.”

“Correct, Rebeccah.

“Last math question. … A two-part question for you, Harold. The Manaforta took out a loan from the Olegderipaska for 10 million moolah-moolah eight years ago. At the standard Russodino loan shark rate of 25% interest, compounded monthly, how much does the Manaforta owe the Olegderipaska today … and, the second part of the question, to what extent — percentage, please — would the Langleyops say the Manaforta has been compromised by the Russodinos?”

“Um … the Manaforta owes the Olegderipaska 72,387,719 moolah-moolah leaves.”

“That’s why the Manaforta wants to stay in the Solitary Sinkhole!” came a cry from the back.

“Okay, Ralphie, let Harold answer the second part of the question.”

“The Manaforta has been totally compromised. 100 percent,” said Harold. “And that’s not fake news.”

“Hands up if you agree with Harold,” the Black Boardbarker said, gazing around her learning brood.

47 short dino arms raised in unison.

“I only count 47,” said the teacher. “Which little dino didn’t raise their arm?”

“Sorry,” came the soft voice of Tiny Tim. He meekly held up an arm.

“That’s better. No one gets left behind here. Okay, class. Moving right along to Social Studies. I need to okay your essay topics for the theme “My Dino World is Crumbling Around Me.” What is your essay topic, Mortimer?”

“I’m analyzing the T-Rump’s quote, ‘What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” I’ll be exploring it from three perspectives: the deplorable, the sublime and the asinine.”

“Very good, Mortimer. I look forward to reading it. Try and keep it clean. Suzie?”

“I’m doing an environmental study, as seen through the disgraced Scottpruitt’s eyes, of the impact the Manaforta has had in endangering the Ostrichpython species for his personal gratification.”

The Black Boardbarker smiled sweetly.

“I’m sure humor will be a key element in your essay.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Henry, what’s your essay topic?”

“I’m going to dissect the T-Rump’s 4,263 lies, or 7.6 per day as the Waposaurus reports, and explore the social ramifications his negative populist propaganda has played in obliterating the pillars of free speech and justice in our dino democracy.”

The Black Boardbarker was clearly pleased.

“Yes, it’s a no-brainer, but unlike so many of our Grandoldparty dinos in power, somebody had to come out and say it. I’m glad it was you, Henry. The Betsydevos be damned! Oops, did I say that out loud? … Well, class .. heh-heh … I have to thank Henry. And what am I thanking him for?”

48 little voices responded as one.

“Your teaching moment of the day!”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

One reply on “Manaforta Math and More …”

My dear David,

This is WONDERFUL! Thank you so much for my Morning Laugh-Out-Loud! This is Great Stuff, for sure.

Can you stand it?? The Trump is killing us all. I would love to attend one of the infamous White House Press do’s.. I’m sure I would have to laugh. I don’t see how they can all sit there – and not crack up. Especially when What’s Her Face is blathering on…and on… It seems to me the antidote for the Trump thing is to simply leave him to it – all by himself. He hates the Press anyway, so, why not just ignore him completely? Stop attending his comings & goings, his rants & raves… We have all figured him out by now… However, it’s like following The Soaps. We’re hooked. And we’re all giving him exactly what he wants: 24/7 coverage of his every gurgle. Oh, what WILL it take to SQUASH HIM LIKE A BIG BAD BUG? Perhaps The Absence of an Audience? Fat Chance, eh? WE ARE ALL HOOKED! We’re ADDICTED to this idiot. (Sigh.)

The day before yesterday, I heard a buzzing sound, and stepped out on the walkway…to find myself staring into the camera eye (?) of A DRONE! Hanging there over the lawn. There was a guy in a white jacket downstairs on the sidewalk, with an ipad thing, directing it. He never looked up at all. Just kept moving the drone around, up and down, and over the building. The ground floor commercial space is up for sale, ($250,000.) so I assume it was the real estate people doing their advertising thing. After a while, he brought it down, picked it up, walked back to his car, stuffed it in the trunk, got in and drove away. Weird. My first visit from a drone!

Lubs’nTuds, Mom P.S. I’m thinking about writing a “Mom’s Blog”. Stuff like what I’ve just written above. What do you think? My Spanish ladies are all off on holiday for August, and I finally completed my Vocabulary & Grammatical Analysis: Intermediate/Advanced Level of El principito, and I need a New Project!

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