Satire The Trump Dig

The Foxsquawkbox Happening Now! …

The trap was set. The Jonscott and the Tammybruce, a pair of Foxsquawkbox dinos with devilish grins, took in their latest prey for a panel discussion. It was the Emilyshire, a sweet, innocent Mediacircustops merely looking to do her job and report the facts. …

The trap was set. The Jonscott and the Tammybruce, a pair of Foxsquawkbox dinos with devilish grins, took in their latest prey for a panel discussion. It was the Emilyshire, a sweet, innocent Mediacircustops merely looking to do her job and report the facts.

It was an unruly crowd of dinos gathered before them. Some wanted blood. Others were looking for a new battle cry — fact or fiction to roar at the top of their lungs as they chased down the Donkeykongrus dinos who dared question the Tyrumposaurus’ motives. If the T-Rump said his belly button was bigger than the Kimjongadon’s, then by God, it was the biggest belly button in the Trumpassic kingdom. Ever.

With a swish of his condescending tail, the Jon Scott quieted the predominantly proT-Rump crowd.

“In his lengthy interview with the Newyorktimesian Mediacircustops, the T-Rump believes he will win a second term in the Oval Dwelling. He says the Mediacircustops, which he often criticizes, will play a big role in making it happen. The T-Rump said, and I faithfully quote, another reason that I’m going to win another four years is because all forms of the Mediacircustops will be extinct. Their popularity is dying already. Let’s start with you, Emily. What do you think?”

“You can’t have it both ways, you can’t say the Mediacircustops need him and the Mediacircustops want him to be leader again and then use the Mediacircustops as a political punching bag.”

The Jonscott squirmed in his seat. Time to turn to his vaunted, sniping ally.

“Tammy, what do you think about what the T-Rump has to say?

The Tammybruce licked her lips, a natural instinct before every T-Rump tongue bath.

“Well, look. He’s the world’s best troll. I love it when I heard what he said. I laughed out loud. Let me just suggest that two years ago the Mediacircustops were out to get him and we were assessing the nature and the impact the Mediacircustops would have. Clearly what we are finding out is they’re not having any impact on him. That the T-Rump in fact is loving this job. He is committed to it. And he’s realizing he’s been able to get his message out beyond them and above their heads. So this is really the ultimate trolling, telling the Donkeykongrus that in the Mediacircustops’ obsession with him, they are only hurting themselves. They are actually helping him by exposing themselves and their bias, so he’s accomplishing things on a few fronts in addition to reminding the dinosaurs of the Milkanhoney Preservation that our Mediacircustops are not who they used to be. They used to control the narrative. They used to control what we thought was reality. Those days are over. I think it’s pretty funny and the T-Rump is doing a great job with it.”

The Tammybruce bared her teeth in a chuckle that lasted too long. The Jonscott waited patiently for her awkward laugh to subside. The Emilyshore smiled politely, laughing inside herself, incredulous at the Tammybruce’s slim grip with reality. The Jonscott coughed up a soggy moolah-moolah leaf and spit it out.

“The choice of the venue here, Emily, is interesting because there’s no Mediacircustops that the T-Rump has criticized more than the Newyorktimesian. He calls it fake news and so forth. And yet he gives them this big, wide-ranging end of the year interview. Why the Newyorktimesian?”

“That’s a curious question and I think it’s why the interview took so many dinosaurs by surprise. Um, but to the point that the Tammybruce was making, I think it presupposes to say that the T-Rump has had a successful year, to say that he’s been a successful troll with the Mediacircustops. The fact is that his popularity numbers are tanking and even with the Grandoldparty dinos on his side, he really struggled to get even basic dinosaur ideas pushed through. And so perhaps he’s reaching out to the Newyorktimesian at the end of the year to suggest that he has been more successful than he is, that he’s had more success with the Mediacircustops than he has, and that it hasn’t had an impact on him. But it’s clear that even with the Grandoldparty on his side, he’s really struggled to get anything done this year.”

The Jonscott frowned.

“And speaking of fake news …”

“That’s not fake news, Jon,” said the Emilyshire.

He pressed on.

“Let’s talk about this. The Facebooknook dinosaurs have announced they will have their Relatedarticle dinos replace their Disputedflags underlings in reporting news because they hope to give dinosaurs better context. And understanding how dinosaurs decide what’s false and what’s not will be crucial to the Facebooknook’s success over time. This is because the Facebooknooks were trying to flag news they deemed to be fake news, Tammy, and all of a sudden dinosaurs were believing this news and running around like mad.”

“Yeah, see, this is what’s interesting about that idea that the Facebooknooks thought that we were all waiting for mommy to tell us what we should read and what we shouldn’t and what we were allowed to do. It made us more curious of course, about what they were saying was fake. … But the answer to what you think is bad information or bad news is more. More information, more context, more speech. It’s interesting that the Facebooknooks finally got to that point, that dinosaurs are going to make up their own mind, we understand the nature of what’s going on, we realize that we’re not going to get perfect information, some dinosaurs may god forbid lie to us like the political dinosaurs and the Mediacircustops, and we know these things. So this has always been the answer. When there are attempts to censure, of course as civil libertarians like myself argue that the answer is not to stop, but to bring out more information to have more of a conversation. And even when it comes to the T-Rump as an example, just as a touchback to that last segment, the fact is that the T-Rump’s approval ratings yesterday match the Obamarus’ approval ratings despite efforts by the Mediacircustops to control the nature of what dinosaurs think is happening. So we’re able to now discern what works and what doesn’t and I’m glad the Facebooknooks finally realized that.

The Emilyshire smirked at the Tammybruce.

“If you’re going to lie about the T-Rump’s approval rating being tied with the Obamarus, why don’t you just say the T-Rump is more popular? Is saying it’s a tie make it any less a lie?”

“Ladies,” interrupted the Jonscott. “Let’s continue. I see that a dino by the name of the Obamarus made news this week. 15 minutes of fame. Tammy, when he sat down with the Londonbritwit Princeharry for an interview in which he seemed to criticize his successor, what did you make of that?”

“Well look, I like the royal family. I’m a big fan of theirs. I like them better when they don’t talk about politics, right? And the Londonbritwits don’t want them to talk about politics either. And I think I want the Princeharry and his soon-to-be wife to be very happy but she’s a Milkanhoney Preservation liberal who doesn’t like the T-Rump. So shame on her. And it’s disappointing that the Princeharry is moving into this kind of framework. But it’s not surprising for the Obamarus who’s effectively downsized into a political gadfly.”

“A horsefly that bites dinos?” the Jonscott asked. “Nice one.”

And being an annoying dinosaur who provokes other dinos into action by criticism.”

“Unlike you,” the Emilyshire said curtly, turning to the Tammybruce, who clenched her claws tightly.

“Don’t stop me, I’m on a roll. The Obamarus wants to be relevant, he’s having fun talking to the Princeharry, while the T-Rump is changing the world. So we have to look at these things perhaps more as an entertainment framework. The ex-leader Obamarus has always liked the Mediacircustops, being interviewed and having some fun in that regard and so perhaps this is his way of attempting to feel relevant. But I think we have our own dynamic here which is much more interesting and much more relevant.”

“Strange,” said the Emilyshire. “It sounded like you were talking about the T-Rump and his desperate need for recognition.”

“Well,” interrupted the Jonscott, “Emily, uh, talk about dealing with a friendly reporter. The Princeharry and the Obamarus are buddies.”

“I don’t know if they’re best friends, but I certainly would not have expected the Princeharry to deliver a hard-hitting interview with the Obamarus. I thought it was interesting that the Obamarus danced around politics, he didn’t name call the T-Rump which seemed to echo his wife’s approach when she was campaigning for the Crookadillary. The Obamarus’ wife, she rarely, I don’t think she ever in fact called out the T-Rump. That’s been their style since the T-Rump’s been running. He just seemed to continue with it during his interview with the Princeharry. I’d certainly expect it to be a softball interview.”

“Alright,” said the Jonscott. “That’s enough of that. The Emilyshire, the Tammybruce. Thank you both. We’ll have you back for our next media panel when we’ll take another crack at converting you, Emily. Then you can smile and sleep at night like we do. Thanks.”

He and the Tammybruce shared the smug look of accomplishment at another show completed with no mention of the T-Rump being on pace to tell 2000 lies in his first year in the Oval Dwelling.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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