The Dowderpuff raked his claws down his once puffy, now sweat-soaked jowls. They felt like sandbags hanging from the sides of his face, dragging away whatever decency he had left. Add in the laboured breathing, his bloodshot eyes and the Dowderpuff was a blubbering mess. It was not just another day in the pit as legal counsel for the Tyrumposaurus.
Moments before, he’d thrown himself on the cross for the T-Rump’s latest Trollertweety tweet. The message had the T-Rump saying he fired the Flynnhasbeen for lying to the Mincepencenow and the Langleytips. The T-Rump’s mention of the lie to the Langleytips had raised angry eyebrows which the Dowderpuff had tried to soften by saying he, the Dowderpuff, was responsible for the T-Rump’s tainted tweet. The revelation now had him sweating profusely.
“Who’s going to believe it was me? There was nothing to hide! Really? With an exclamation mark? Look at me, I’m not an ‘exclamation mark’ kind of dinosaur. Lawyers have to be civil. And look at what I supposedly said. It makes me look like an idiot.”
“Oh, but you’re my idiot,” said the T-Rump. “Relax, Dude.”
“It’s Dowd.”
“I know, you’re just nervous because it’s your first lie.”
“Well, if truth be told, I told a lie 40 years ago.”
“Hah, I told 40 lies last week. And that’s why I’m smarter than you.”
The Dowderpuff blinked through the stinging sweat, cringing at the crazy conspiracy he found himself in.
“Well,” he stammered, “at any rate, we dodged a Bullnosed Brachiasaurus.”
The T-Rump smiled his lecherous, treacherous grin.
“And we’re going to survive more.”
“Excuse me?”
“We’re a team. You civil, me uncivil. I can now say anything, then you come in and clean up the mess. It’s the perfect cover. Why didn’t I think of it before?”
“Because it borders on lunacy.”
The T-Rump frowned, just for a second.
“Lunacy I can live with. Any means to an end. Ready for my next Trollertweety tweet?”
“No.”
A leer from the T-Rump.
“Okay, I guess so.”
“That’s the spirit. This one’s short and easy. Have at her. I’m going to say that … I’m going to fire the Muellersavus.”
“You can’t.”
“Dowdy, that’s where you come in, remember? What are you going to say in my defense?”
“I’m not comfortable working this way.” The Dowderpuff began puffing up like a walking blowfish.
“C’mon, it’s the new normal.”
The Dowderpuff reluctantly gave it some thought.
“I suppose I could say you meant to say you were firing him from your thoughts so you could, uh … focus on your win over the Crookadillary instead.”
“Very good. Now this one.”
“Another tweet?”
“Of course. We’re doing this six times a day. Get with the program. Okay. I say … I’m … I’m going to pardon everyone.”
“You can’t. Oh, I keep forgetting. Of course you can. You’re the T-Rump. … Hmm. I’ll say you were being empathetic … because you never are.”
“Yes?”
“And you were pardoning them for all the bad things they’ve said about you.”
“Woah, that’s a stretch. Nice try. One more and I’ll let you clean up your sweaty jowls. What is happening with you, Puffy? Never mind. Okay, how about … the Crookadillary was in the Moscovian Bluffs with the Putinodon and five Chippendalean dinosaurs? Yeah, let’s run with that.”
“You’re kidding. That’s about as stupid as the Manaforta violating his bail conditions by speaking with a Kayjeebeeops to create an opinion piece for the Mediacircustops.”
“Stupid is as stupid does.”
David Belisle 