Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Free Ride …

“Merry Christmas, T-Rump.”

“What’s good about it?” the Tyrumposaurus shot back at the somewhat stunned Markmeadows. “You should go talk with my wife. She’ll tell you what Christmas is good for.”

“Pardon me, T-Rump, but this is the time of year when those extra moolah-moolah leaves really make a difference. When you’re thankful for whatever relief lands at your doorstep.”

“Yes, yes. Go on.”

“The Kongrus Kave and the Sin Hut have agreed on a Covid stimulus bill that would bring aid to millions of dinos across the land. It requires your signature.”

“Oh, I thought you were talking about more moolah-moolah for me. Dino Nation? Who cares? Do you understand where I am right now? Almost on the outside. Almost looking in. And you’re telling me about other dinos? I hate to break it to you, but there are dinos in blue regions that would actually benefit from this bill. We can’t have that, so I won’t be signing it today. Or tomorrow. Maybe next week. But that’s a world away.”

“But, sir, we can’t exactly ask these dinos to move.”

“Your idea. And you just said it’s doomed to fail. I guess this is on you then.”

The Markmeadows restrained himself from rolling his eyes. It had been so hard lately. Good gawd. 26 more days of this. 26 more days of twisting in the wind, waiting for the worst T-Rump could dredge up and fling at the world as he headed out of the Oval Dwelling. If he would leave. The Markmeadows turned to exit.

“Oh, no. Stop right there. You’re not going anywhere.”

“You don’t mean.”

“Oh, I most certainly do mean.”

Pardons. The T-Rump had found a leadership privilege that he could turn on its head for truly evil purposes. Releasing bad dinos and sitting back to watch Dino Nation cringe in horror. It was hard to tell which dino relished watching dinos tremble in fear more, the T-Rump or the Putinodon. But it was a very close race.  

“How many did you want?”

“How many do you have? That will pay.”

“Yes, well. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that last part. The Kushneratops left me a list of the dinos who helped us, those who wanted to help us, those who didn’t help us enough and those who didn’t even try to help us. Not sure why he included the last group.”

“Because those are the first dinos we hit up. If they want a pardon it’s going to cost them big-time. Got it?”

“Quite clearly.”

“Bring me the list.”

“Yes, T-Rump.”

The Markmeadows wondered how exactly he was going to explain this to the new dino attorney general when the Joebiden finally made his pick. He turned to leave.

“Oh, and Mark?”

“Uh, you want me to bring the dino house band back with me. So you can sing …  the song … as you go over the list.”

“You got it.”

Moments later …

Then Mueller asked why, and where did you go

But you did not tell them what you know

So I’ve come here to give you a hand

Gonna set you free just as we planned, so

Come on and take a free ride

Come on, gonna let it slide 

Come on, pardons nation-wide

The lies and the killings, all covered in shame

I dangle the pardon and you play the game

Whatever the bad deed, I forgive your sin

I’ll cripple the nation if I cannot win, so

Come on and take a free ride

Come on, gonna let it slide 

Come on, pardons nation-wide

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on and take a free ride 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on, gonna let it slide

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on and take a free ride

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on, pardons nation-wide

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

……………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor

My Putin …

“Dad? Can I come in?”

The Tyrumposaurus looked up from his meal of day-old salamander tails. The extra-crunchy kind.

“Yes, Junior. What is it?”

“Didn’t the T-Melania tell you to stop eating those because they’ll only make your delirium worse?

“I’m not delirious!”

“I’m just concerned for you, dad. You. Don’t. Look. Well.”

“What’s the matter? You’ve never seen burnt orange skin before? Well, get used to it. I’m sure it’s hereditary. What are you here for anyway?”

“I, well, you know, when I’m speaking before all the dinos … the crowds are not as big as yours of course.”

“Obviously.”

“Right. And, well, this persona that I adopt as I’m speaking. Some mistakenly think I’m high on something. I try to ignore that. All of it. So when I’m speaking I project this bravado, this us against the world thing. God, Kelly’s been great, hasn’t she? I think she’s going to have kittens sometimes. Because we can’t lose, we really can’t … but …”

“Spit it out, Junior. I’d hate to choke on a salamander tail before you actually say something.”

“I’m worried, dad.”

“Don’t look at me when you say that. You’ll jinx us. Jinx us! Jinx us! Are you hearing voices or is it just me? Did somebody put you up to this, convince you to come in here and break the news to me gently?”

“It’s a small group. Nobody but immediate family would even dream of speaking to you right now. And I mean that in a kind way.” 

“You use the “L” word and so help me … we’re winners. Always. There’s no other possible outcome. Nothing else, understand?”

“Reading you loud and clear. It’s the Russodinos thing, hacking away at us again. The Mediacircustops won’t give it a rest. Always with the questions. That damn Pompeo contradicted you, saying it was the Russodinos, and I’m caught in the middle. Imagine that. Me. Yeah. Heh-heh. I know, right? I don’t know anything. I keep saying that. But they keep asking if we’re doing anything about it. I mean, on the surface, it sounds pretty bad, hitting us right where it hurts.”

The T-Rump Jr. looked around to make sure they were alone.

“Are you, um … doing anything about it?”

“I said I’ve got things under control. It’s fake news. F-A-K-E.” The T-Rump spelt the letters with a claw in the air before his horrified son. “End of story.” 

“Uh, good. That’s real good, dad. Because Eric even asked me …”

“Don’t tell Eric anything!

“I know, I know. Don’t worry. I was just saying Eric asked me how come you always say you’re the toughest dino with the Putinodon — and I believe you, dad, one hundred percent. But Eric, well … he says you’ve never punished the Putinodon or said anything bad about him.”

A scowl from his father. The T-Rump’s face scrunched like he’d been hit with a hard right. 

“Junior, look me in the eye.”

“Which one?”

“Pick one! I’m going to sing you a little song …”

“That really isn’t necessary, dad.”

“Oh, but I think it is. Because you need to know — and don’t tell, Eric — exactly what side of the fence I’m on. This will be our little song.”

The junior T-Rump gulped.

“Uh, sure thing, dad.”

I’ve been his biggest fan for as long as I know 

He can do no wrong, as he rakes in all his dough

He tells the nation they have nothing to fear 

And to those who object, they simply disappear

If you asked me what is his best feature

The one I most admire

The term limits for this greatest creature

Will never expire

Rah, rah, my Putin!

I will never intervene

We only chat when you all are gone 

Rah, rah, my Putin!

He has kept my money clean

Playing a game we call the long con

Four years ago in a story quite bizarre

Election officials said he went too far

I didn’t take the bait, Helsinki, if you please

No time for debate, I told my guys to freeze

A former K-G-B secret stealer

Deutsche Bank became his to run

That is why I cannot be a squealer

I owe him a ton

Rah, rah, my Putin!

I will never intervene

We only chat when you all are gone 

Rah, rah, my Putin!

He has kept my money clean

Playing a game we call the long con

So when I see the complete and total domination

Of his subjects in this display of all-supreme power

Worthy of having a parade every single day in his honour

I became prouder and prouder

Again he is hacking, just whistling in the breeze

One day he could wake up, and put us on our knees

I stand here and promise that he can do no harm

But then no matter what, I won’t raise the alarm

There are some that call me an outstanding

Manchurian Candidate

This is the fake news not understanding 

He is simply great

Rah, rah, my Putin!

I will never intervene

I’ll just ignore the grisly headline

Rah, rah, my Putin!

He has kept my money clean

He’s a leader who’s kept them in line

Rah, rah, my Putin!

I will never intervene

I’ll just repeat again what he said

Rah, rah, my Putin!

He has kept my money clean

I can’t complain, he butters my bread

……………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!