Satire The Trump Dig

The Green Ham-and-Egger …

You could hear a dried, flaky, crusty dinosaur scale hit the ground. The Sin Hut dinos had gathered for a hearing that could change dino justice for the next epoch or two. It was the Christineford versus the Brettkavanaugh, the Grandoldparty dinos’ pick for the vacant spot on the Supreme Dino Court.

But the doddering Chuckgrassley and his greasy crew had changed their Grandoldparty game plan. They would not be grilling the Christineford about the Brettkavanaugh’s alleged transgressions against her. Oh, no. They would call upon the Rachelmitchell, a Zona Canyon carnivore with a history of tearing predators to shreds. Except this time she was going after the victim. Sometimes dinos are so walnut-brained.

Which made the Grandoldparty dinos’ hands all the more sweaty as they fidgeted anxiously where they squatted, watching their sterling pick circling a sinkhole of doubt.

The Christineford had given a credible, emotional explanation of the event that fateful day more than three decades earlier. It was now the Brettkavanaugh’s turn for the hot seat and the 85-year-old Dianefeinstein set her jaw to grilling the once-thought ungrillable. Could she reduce him to a green ham-and-egger?

She set her jaw and stared him down.

“I am Diane. Diane I am.”

“Excuse me?”

“Did you once slam bam this ma’am?”

“I did not, uh … Diane-I-am.”

“Did you do it in high school? Answer quick. Don’t play the fool.”

“I did not do it in high school. I tried to be, but wasn’t cool.”

“Perhaps we should investigate. Don’t you think that would be great?”

“No, we should not investigate. I have much too much now on my plate. I was not cool in high school. You might say I was a tool. No, slam bam, thank you, ma’am, that’s for sure, Diane-I-am.”

“Did you do it in a cave? We all know you misbehave.”

“I did not do it in a cave. That must be my neighbour Dave.”

“Did you do it here or there? Did you do it anywhere?

“No, not ever here or there. My privileged life dispelled that fear.”

“Why should you now be walking free? Her days are spent in therapy!”

“I did not cause her therapy. I did not waggle my wee-wee! I did not do it anywhere. Do you not see my wife right there?! No cave, that’s Dave. Slam-bammin’ sham. That’s who it is, Diane-I-am.”

“Did you do it with a goat? On the shore or while afloat?

“I did not do it with a goat, unless blacked out and in a moat.”

“Was the Markjudge a witness? Tell us now, you must confess!

“The Markjudge was a former friend, who just fell off the world’s end.

“The word par-tee, what do you think? Does it make you want to drink?”

“S-a-a-a-a-y! Did you say PAR-t-a-a-a-a-y? The reason we have Saturday! Come over here, Diane-I-am. Let me show you what I am.”

“I do not think that will suffice. Kavanaugh, now you be nice.”

“Diane-I-am, Diane-I-AM! For if it’s pleasure you do seek, I have two words. They are BEACH WEEK!