Satire The Trump Dig

Rudy’s Rebuttal …

The Tyrumposaurus tossed and turned in his sleep. He slept less and less these days. His latest nightmare featured the dino multitudes lining the Pennsylvanian Pathway for a parade honoring the Bruceohr and the Christophersteele. It was a parade made possible after the Olegderipaska made an impassioned plea before the Dino Court, saying, “Okay, okay. You got me. The Putinodon colluded with the T-Rump, who would be living in a subsidized rocky grotto if not for the Russodinos. I’d also like to mention that the Mediacircustops have portrayed me as a bit of a grump. But I’ve found the Jesusaurus, and the ten million moolah-moolah that the Manaforta owes me? — I’m just going to let it go. But not the T-Rump. Oh, no. Because he needs. To. Go. Down.”

The T-Rump woke abruptly in a cold, slimy sweat. Subsidized rocky grotto? He shivered.

“Rudy, are you there?”

There came a stirring from the foot of the T-Rump’s moolah-moolah nest.

“Right here, boss.”

For the past two months, the Rudygiuliani had taken up sleeping nearby, within tail-patting distance of the neurotic leader.

“It’s that damn Bruceohr again!”

“With the Christophersteele, the parade and Olegderipaska?”

“Yes, that one. We must have moolah-moolah hidden somewhere the Muellersavus doesn’t know about that we can pay off the Olegderipaska to make this nightmare go away.”

“Well, it’s like this, T-Rump. I’m afraid your lack of empathy is no match for the great fears released inside your cold, timid soul. There are dozens of other nightmares just waiting to take its place.”

This only made the T-Rump’s tail thump more anxiously against the floor. The Rudygiuliani reached out, stroking it softly, trying to smooth his client’s rumpled nerves.

“I’m not feeling it, Rudy.”

“Relax, just think of your latest claw-back from the dino workers across the land. More moolah-moolah to line your nest with. Or your latest blast against the Sessionsopossum. Didn’t it feel good burying that little weasel with your beautiful barrage of insults?”

“Well, now that you mention it. But how do we stay out ahead of this? Of everything? There’s so much fake news we have to beat back. You’d think I did nothing but lie, cheat and steal every waking minute.”

“That’s why I’m here,” said the Rudygiuliani. “I must admit, I do some of my best dreaming, uh … thinking while I’m at the foot of your, um … feet.”

“They’re great feet, aren’t they?”

“Bone spurs and all. But hear me out. We got good run out of the Kellyanneconvixway’s ‘alernative facts’ and my humdinger, ‘changing recollections.’ But this Muellersavus investigation. It’s coming, soon — like I said ten times — so we really need to get ahead of it.”

“Before we know what’s in it?”

“Exactly. That’s never stopped us before. This rebuttal means everything. We are butting heads with them, boss. Butting. Heads. We need to show them who they’re messing with. That’s why I’m calling it … The Butthead Rebuttal. What do you think?”

“You had me at Butthead, Rudy. Derogatory, short and sweet, but why just us? Face it, our base is nothing but buttheads. They’ll eat this up.”

“Thanks, T-Rump. You’re such a visionary. Now then, the substance. We’ll hit the Russodino collusion and the Flynnhasbeen stuff hard. All those Russodinos at your inauguration? One word. Relatives. And the Flynnhasbeen? Not a relative. Based on that fact alone, we obviously can’t trust him. … Relatives. Not a relative. Four words. That’s half our Butthead Rebuttal, right there.”

“Get back to me by lunch with the rest of it. Great job, Rudy. Great job.”