Satire The Trump Dig

The Charlevoix Charade …

The Velvetlounge Lizard Peternavarro slammed his fist on the flat rock table. His long, forked tongue flicked out and reeled back in as he glared at the Jaketapper.

There’s a special place in hell for any foreign leader that engages in bad faith diplomacy with the Tyrumposaurus and then tries to stab him in the back on the way out the door.”

“Stabbed him in the back he did,” said the Larrykudlow. “Stabbed him! Kind of. Really.”

The two T-Rump economic dinos, who thought an interest rate was anything above boredom, frowned indignantly at the Jaketapper.

The Mediacircustops host was somewhat puzzled.

“You two must be ramping things up for the T-Rump’s big Singapore-Sling meeting with the Kimjongadon.”

The Peternavarro threw his short arms up in the air.

“The Kimjongadon? Hell no. We’re talking about that … that …”

“Easy, Petey,” said the Larrykudlow. “We don’t want you having a heart attack. You know what the doctor said about your cold, cold blood.”

The lizard shook him off.

“That Justintrudeau!”

“I’m sorry,” said the Jaketapper. “Do you mean the polite and reasonable Justintrudeau?”

“Wrong,” said the Larrykudlow. “Fake news. The T-Rump said he’s mild and meek. That makes him what, Petey?”

“The mildest and the meekest. Bar none. Somebody had to say it.”

And he made false statements,” added the Larrykudlow. “Falsehoods. Lies. Despicable. The Justintrudeau is a liar. He’s weak. Dishonest.”

“But the T-Rump has told over 3000 lies. In 500 days. That’s six per day, Larry.”

“You’re winning my argument for me.”

“Excuse me?”

That’s what we’ve come to expect from our leader. That’s the way he bungles, I mean, rumbles in the jungle. But this Justintrudeau. We expect the truth from him. One lie and now we don’t know what to expect. Unpredictable. One lie too many. I don’t know what to say. It’s shocking. Really.”

“Uh, Larry, this may be breaking news, but the Justintrudeau is our ally. Our friend. He merely said he wasn’t about to be pushed around.”

“There. You said it yourself. He was picking a fight.”

“You think you know a dino,” scoffed the Peternavarro. “The Justintrudeau should know better than to say such things before the big Singapore-Sling meeting. He knows the T-Rump has a short fuse.”

“The shortest,” added the Larrykudlow.

The Peternavarro waggled a claw at the Jaketapper.

“The T-Rump showed the utmost courtesy of showing up at Charlevoix-Kaybeck. In a socialist setting, no less.”

“He was supposed to be there.”

“And there he was, things were going so well. The T-Rump was all set to agree with the other dinos that something was actually being accomplished — and wham!”

The Larrykudlow jumped in.

“The Justintrudeau had to go there. He had to remind everybody about the Tariffraptors the T-Rump released in the Region D’Aluminum and behind the Steel Curtain.”

Try as he might, Jaketapper couldn’t stop from rolling his eyes.

“Dinos, one of the first things the T-Rump said in Charlevoix was to ask how come the Putinodon wasn’t there. That the Putinodon should be there.”

“Yes, well, uh,” stammered the Larrykudlow. “The T-Rump said something happened.”

“That something was the Putinodon’s Russodinos rampaging through the Ukrainia into the Creme de la Crimea four years ago.”

The Peternavarro jumped up from his haunches.

“That was the Obamarus’ fault! The T-Rump said so!”

“Of course,” said the Jaketapper, eyebrows firmly clamped down. “Finally, with this Singapore-Sling meeting the T-Rump has rushed off to. Any comments on how it’s going to go? The T-Rump said he’ll know in the first minute if it will be a success or not.”

“That’s right,” said the Larrykudlow. “The T-Rump doesn’t even have to prepare. He’s ready. Because if anything happens, and I mean anything, it’s the Kimjongadon’s fault.”

“Or the Obamarus,” said the Peternavarro. “And don’t forget the Justintrudeau. The meek and mild be damned.”

His long, forked tongue flicked out and reeled in.