A Few Good Dinos …

Dino court was in session. The presiding judge was the Emmetsullivan, a no-guff dino whose stinging rebukes left deeper marks than a T-Rump tail swipe on a good day. The judge stared down the latest ne’er-do-well in the sin bin, the Flynnhasbeen, who had his typical thousand-yard stare on.

“So you want your sentencing today, do you?” The Emmetsullivan fairly spat out the words.

“Yes, your honor.”

“I’m thinking between 10 and 20 years — because your crime is tantamount to treason. Treason! Do you hear me? What do those damn Russodinos have on you? Tell me or I’ll make it 30.”

The Tyrumposaurus sat in the front row. He wanted to tell the judge he couldn’t say that to his former national security dino but the words stuck in his throat. He felt like he was drowning in a deluge of Dietcokers.

“Never mind,” said the judge. “And I’ll take back my treason comment. Because what you did could have been the end of us all! You are a blight — nay, a pox! — on the dino species and I have a good mind to send you back to the Putinodon with the Mariabutina.”

“Reconsider! We’ll reconsider!” shouted the Flynnhasbeen’s legal dino, jumping up from his squat.

“Hmph. Took you long enough.” The judge turned to the Flynnhasbeen. “Where’d you find this dino? The Giuliani Joke Shop?

“I resemble that remark.”

The T-Rump turned. It was the Rudygiuliani. What was he doing here?

All of a sudden a brouhaha broke out behind him. The Mattwhitaker and the Williambarr were trading barbs and short handed swipes. The T-Rump thought they looked like babies, with the Mattwhitaker waggling his bald head, his tongue sticking out.

“The ethics dino said I should recuse myself but I told him ethics left town with the Comeyonus. Good riddance!”

“Oh yeah?” said the Williambarr. “Well I said that the T-Rump firing the Comeyonus is not obstruction of justice! Hah!”

“Wow. You’re good.”

The Mattwhitaker stuck his tail between his legs in the submissive position.

“Quiet!” said the Emmetsullivan, “or treason’s back on the table.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” The no’s rang through the court, sounding oddly like a familiar Michaelcohen refrain.

“T-Rump, take the stand.”

“Wha–?”

“You heard me. Dinos don’t whisper.”

Dinos don’t whisper. The T-Rump shuddered in horror. His bladder almost released but he quelled the feeling by mentally playing a quick medley of his many mistresses.   

“This can’t be. I – I … I recuse myself!”

“Not in my court. Special counsel? Have at him!”

No. It couldn’t be. The T-Rump turned and there he was. The Muellersavus. The veteran legal dino set his jaw, staring thoughtfully at the T-Rump.

You actually thought you were going to get away with all this. Didn’t you?”

“I did and I will. I just lie and every Grandoldparty dino believes me.”

“Surely you can’t be serious.”

“I’m not Shirley and I’m not Syria’s either. Hey. That’s it! I just had an idea. On my own. I want every fighting dino out of the Middle Eastlands. Now. No. Yesterday.”

“And why is that, T-Rump?”

“Because everybody else wants them there. Listen to my gut.”

It gurgled as if on cue.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

It was the Huckabeecyclops. The T-Rump welcomed the interruption, even if what she said might extend his stay in the Solitary Sinkhole.

“Number 37 just left the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.”

“Anyone we know?”

“Maddogmaddis. He up and quit.”

“No, he didn’t. He resigned. Get the Trollertweeties out. Now! Tell every dino in the land that I only hire the best. Like the Mattwhitaker here.”

The Huckabeecyclops rolled her eye, stumbled off balance and left. The Muellersavus cleared his throat.

“I’m here for the mothers.”

“Hey, you can’t say that here.” The T-Rump turned to the judge. “He’s disgracing my fine, uh … associates.”

“No, I’m talking about the mothers whose babies you stole at the Great Tex-Mex Divide … the mothers you verbally harass daily … and the mothers who believe you are in dino doo-doo up to your eyeballs with the Putinodon.”

“Sometimes dinos take matters into their own hands.”

“No,” said the Muelllersavus. “You made it clear that dinos never take your matters into their own hands. Your dinos follow orders or you throw them under the Priebusunderbus. Who ordered the Code Red?”

Code Red was T-Rump campaign-speak for a secret deal with the Putinodon.

The Muellersavus continued.

“The Stephenmillerus ordered the Code Red, didn’t he? Because that’s what you told him to do.”

The Rudygiuliani jumped in the air.

“Obstruction! … I mean, objection!”

“Sit down,” the judge growled, “and watch a real legal dino in action.”

The Muellersavus plowed through the objections of the Rudygiuliani and the admonishents of the Emmetsullivan.

“And when it went bad, you fired the Comeyonus.”

“Your honor …”

“Zip it.”

“You dangled a pardon.”

“Judge …”

“You allowed the Russodinos to help you become the leader of the Milkanhoney Preservation!”

“Dammit, Mueller!”

The Rudygiuliani was apoplectic.

“I’ll ask you again.”

“You want answers?” said the T-Rump.

“I think the dinos of the Milkanhoney Preservation are entitled to them.”

“You want answers?”

“I want the truth.”

“You can’t handle the truth!”

The Rudygiuliani fainted dead away. The wide-eyed Mattwhitaker and Williambarr looked at each other. Truth? What the hell?

It was the T-Rump’s turn to stare down the Muellersavus.

“You poor, conflicted rogue. We live in a world that has caves. And those caves have to be bought and sold. Who’s gonna do it? You? The little Sessionsopossum? I am a more stable genius than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the poor and you curse the wealthy. You’re a dumb dino with no idea what I know. My existence, reported upon hourly by the Mediacircustops, is what the dinos want to hear. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in a cave you don’t want to come home to, you want me to own this cave. The Big Cave. You need me here. I use words like fame, fortune, success. I use them as a backbone to a life spent getting ahead of all the little dinos. I could go on talking about myself or you could just say thank you. Either way, I don’t give a damn about what other dinos think they’re entitled to.”

“Did you order the Code Red?”

“I did the job losers like you would never do.”

“Did you order the Code Red?”

“You’re goddamn right I did.”

The T-Rump woke from the nightmare in a cold sweat.

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