The two dinosaur doctors — the Colonoscopist and the Malpracticus — conferred off to the side of the Rockyview Dino Dementia Den. Their patient, the Manaforta, was resting comfortably after having been knocked out with two short, sharp blows to the head.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said the Colonoscopist.
“Yes, he’s been under such extreme pressure lately.”
“All I can say is he better have enough moolah-moolah to pay us.”
“Now, now, Colon, we took the Hippo’s Erratic Oath. No matter how demented a patient is …”
“You’re right. And wow, what a recent history. Was it only four months ago that his ex-son-in-law took a plea deal with the Muellersavus to rat him out?”
The Malpracticus winced. He nodded at the prone Manaforta.
“Ix-nay on the rat-nay.”
“Oh, right. Then he gets nailed on eight charges, the Meullersavus could still go after him on another ten, he owes the government 15 million moolah-moolah, his legal bills are piling up, his best buddy, the Rickyprisongates, turned on him … and the ol’ scale tail is pushing seven decades. It’s no wonder he flipped out.”
“And now he’s going to talk,” said the Malpracticus. “Sing like a canary. I wonder what he’s going to say?”
“He’s going to spill the beans about being thick as thieves — him, the Kushneratops and the T-Rump Jr. with all those Russodino rascals.”
The Manaforta stirred from his sleep.
“Should I bop him again?” asked the Colonoscopist.
“No, the Muellersavus told us to let him speak as long as he’s telling the truth.”
“How will we know?”
“Watch his lips. These pathological liars all smile when they lie.”
But never a smile crossed the Manaforta’s face. Only outright terror. His wide eyes begged for mercy.
“You’ve gotta help me, doc!”
“There, there,” said the Malpracticus. “You need to settle down. You’re putting on a new skin. It’ll be hard at first, painful as it is to realize the words coming from your mouth are actually the truth.”
“New skin? That’s great. You’re going to hide me and my family in the dino protection program, right?”
The two doctors shared a laugh.
“What’s so funny?” asked the Manaforta.
“We’re dinosaurs,” said the Colonoscopist. “We can mess you up for a week but it will heal eventually.”
The Manaforta looked to the Malpracticus for a second opinion.
“I’m afraid my colleague is right. It hurts like hell. Besides, how can you possibly hide when you’re screaming in agony?”
“But – but the Russodinos are going to poison me, I know it.”
“Look, don’t believe everything you hear about the dirty end of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. The water is not poisonous. It’s fine. Our kids swim there. A little dino pee never hurt anyone.”
The Manaforta made a face. He was a long way from home and his pet Ostrichpython. He got down on his knees, head in his hands.
“What am I going to do? I’m ruined. I can’t live … in just one cave.”
The doctors nodded understandably. The Colonoscopist gave the Manaforta a comforting pat.
“There, there. Look at the bright side. You’ve been in close contact with the T-Rump and you’re still alive.”
“The T – T – T – Rump,” stuttered the Manaforta. “Once upon a time he called me brave, didn’t he?”
“Oh, but that was before you flipped out. We’re going to have to knock you out again soon. His biting insults will cut you to the very bone, they will.”
There was a commotion outside.
“I never touched that dino! Not then. Never!”
Two broad-shouldered dino interns dragged in a blustering, red-faced dino. It was the Brettkavanaugh.
The Malpracticus nodded to the beefier of the two interns, who promptly whalloped the Brettkavanaugh over the noggin with his tail. His walnut light effectively dimmed, the Brettkavanaugh slumped to the ground.
“Wow,” marveled the Manaforta. “This place is filling up fast.”
“Oh, sure,” said the Colonoscopist. “The Wild West Wing now has the Scottpruitt, the Chriscollins, the Duncanhunter, the Papadopoulos, the Flynnhasbeen, the Michaelcohen, the Peckersaurus, the Weisselbergus, the Rickyprisongates …”
“Is that you, Paulie?” came a cry from down a tunnel.”
“Would you mind?” the Malpracticus asked the second intern, who nodded and turned to the tunnel. Another dino to sedate. The intern paused at the entrance.
“Oh, I almost forgot.” He turned to the Manaforta. “You have a visitor.”
“My wife?”
“No, the Olegderipaska.”
David Belisle 