Satire The Trump Dig

The Anonymous Footprints …

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of the Tyrumposaurus? The Shadow Government knows!
It was true. The very day after a sampling of the Bobwoodward’s footprints in the sand told of the T-Rump being a menace to the very Milkanhoney Preservation he’d vowed to protect, …

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of the Tyrumposaurus? The Shadow Government knows!

It was true. The very day after a sampling of the Bobwoodward’s footprints in the sand told of the T-Rump being a menace to the very Milkanhoney Preservation he’d vowed to protect, more footprints in the sand had been found. They were from an anonymous senior T-Rump official tail-wagger, confirming the existence of a group of adult dinosaurs in the Oval Dwelling protecting the T-Rump from making dinos extinct.

The land was aflame with gossip, rumors and innuendo as dinosaurs everywhere thumped their chests, stubbed their toes and jumped all over each other, claiming they knew who the mysterious senior T-Rump official was.

There was no jumping or stubbed toes in the Oval Dwelling however. No, the only chest thumping was being done by the Chest Thumper himself, the T-Rump. The fact that his favorite Mediacircustops whipping dinos — the Nooyorktimesaurae — were the only dinos who knew who the source was drove the T-Rump around the bend. To the extent that he’d lined up a dozen of his senior dinos to sniff out the mole from his most trusted enablers.

He stepped in front of the Mikepompeo, the former Langleyops dino, who flashed his goofy grin. The T-Rump shook it off.

“I know I’ve sent you on some wild goose chases to see the Kimjongadon and I’m sure you’ve still got some Langleyops pals poking around …”

“But …”

“But what?”

“Sorry, I was just thinking ahead for you.”

“Aha! Found him already. So you’re the dino who thinks they’re in control.”

The T-Rump looked to the Marinegunkelly for support. The Chief of Staff shook him off, burying his head in his hands.

The T-Rump moved on to Sessionsopossum with a welcoming leer.

“We meet again. I have to ask, because you’ve been such a pain in the neck. Was it you?”

“Who me? Heck, no. If I might add, you’re forgettin’ about the separation of powers again, T-Rump. You can go ask Rod if ya want.”

The Rodrosenstein was the second highest legal dino in the land.

“I’m not going to! It’s too far to walk. I want you to launch an investigation.”

“What’s the charge?”

“I don’t know. Make something up. Surprise me.”

“But there’s the law, remember? I know you don’t believe me. You sure you don’t want to talk to Rod?”

“I don’t want Rod!”

The T-Rump shook his head and moved down the line. The Dancoats was up next. Another Langleyops.

“Look,” said the T-Rump, “I only threatened to take away your security clearance because you cracked wise about my Smelstinki meeting with the Putinodon. By the way, did you, um … find anything out about it?”


“Alright then.”

The T-Rump turned away.

“Aren’t you going to,” the Dancoats began.


“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Smelstinki still, uh … smells stinky.”

The T-Rump smirked. I’m surrounded by idiots. He moved on to the Kellyanneconvixway.

“KellyAnne, you didn’t … by accident …”

“Oh, no. Nobody said alternative facts, did they? That’s my line. And I think that if anybody is going to rain on our parade with this shocking, disgusting information, well … maybe it might be my husband?”

“But he’s not a senior official.”

“Oh. Silly me.”

Next up was the scowling Jamesmattis.

“On the defense already, James?”

“I am the defense.”

“Uh, yes. Yes you are.” The T-Rump crumbled in the presence of true warriors. He sidestepped over to the Billshineola.

“Tell me it wasn’t you, Bill. If it was, so help me, I’ll feed your hairy chin to the Seanhannity.”

“No, never. I swear on my mother’s dug-up grave.”

“Bill, as my new communications guy, you’ve really garbled the push back message on this. Where’s the shine you promised? I can always get another dino from the Foxsquawkbox den, you know.”

“Please, T-Rump. I’ll try to be more like the Hopehicksbagotrix. I mean, except for the Coreylewandowski and Robporter.”

But the T-Rump had moved on to the Betsydevos.

“Well, I know it wasn’t you, Betsy.”

“Oh, T-Rump, thank you for placing your trust and faith in me.”

“What faith? You can’t even read!”

But … wasn’t that the base line?

The T-Rump remembered all the moolah-moolah her family had brought to line his nest and moved on. The Stephenmillerus was next in line. His sour puss was in full pout mode.

“Oh, Stephen, stop it. I know it wasn’t you. It’s not about what I could do to you but what you could do with that whacked-out walnut between your ears.”

“Thank you, T-Rump, esteemed leader of dinosaur kingdoms yet to be discovered.”

The NikkiHaley greeted the T-Rump with a thousand-yard stare. The T-Rump sighed.

“You’re not going to put me to sleep again with one of your speeches are you?”

“I’ll keep it short. I don’t like bullies.”

“And I don’t like confrontation, so there.”

He shifted sideways, landing before the Huckabeecyclops.

“Huckabee, sorry, but I have to ask.”

“If I’m the anonymous source?”

“No, if you really believe all the lies I tell you.”

“If you want me to, T-Rump. Am I not convincing enough? I’ll sneer more, I will. I can grunt too.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

Next to last was the Marinegunkelly.

“Well,” said the T-Rump. “I know it can’t be you.”

“Uh, why not, T-Rump?”

“Because you’re the one who points me in the right direction when I need to pee.”

The T-Rump turned to the last dino in the line-up. The Mincepencenow.

“You want my job, don’t you, Mikey?”

“That’s not my decision to make.”

“Oh? Who’s decision is it?”

“Do you believe in the Dino God of Divine Upheaval?”

“What did I say about big words.”

“That’s all I’m going to say.”

“Great. That means more of me.” The T-Rump took in the dozen dinos before him. “As you can see, I’ve only eliminated a few of you. What that means is the rest of you are lying!

He lashed his tail against the wall.

“I can lie four, five, SIX thousand times but you bozos are not allowed to lie once. That is not the environment I’ve created here. Is that clear?

Nods all around.

“Good. Alright then. Huckabee, get out there and tell them it’s business as usual.”

“And the substance of the footprints? The chaos?”

“Hah! Chaos is great. Remember, a friend in need is our frenemy.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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